I don’t even know what to say because I am in such shock. The board decided to take away your license.
I felt happy at first but just as I was quick to be happy, I felt an overwhelming sadness for you and me too. I never wanted to hurt you; I always tried to protect you.
However, I was and will always be damaged because of you but I will also move on to a new library, a new book and a new chapter of my life.
This morning I was praying… yeah, having a conversation with God; the first one I have had since being your client. I just was praying to God to give me strength to get through the day and I was telling him that I didn’t want to hurt you… but I just didn’t want you to hurt others. I told him I didn’t want them to take your license… but I didn’t want you to hurt others the way you hurt me.
He told me that it wasn’t my fault and I wasn’t messed up like I always think that I am. He told me repeatedly that it wasn’t my fault but here I am sitting, writing this blog and I still feel shame for what happened to us and I feel embarrassed for how I fell into this pattern of a love-hate relationship with you and I still think of the fun times we had.
Isn’t that funny? Sometimes, I will laugh out loud at a joke that we had together and I still reach for my phone to tell you. Still- after a year of not talking and a year of agony and regret and suicidal thoughts over what I thought I did wrong to you.
I don’t get it myself but I guess that’s why I am in therapy. I am supposed to be a mess and I am allowed to be a mess- that is my job as a client.
Now, my new therapist and I are slowly cleaning up this disaster and it’s time to finish it off, and sweep it away. I am not sweeping it under the rug, I am literally sweeping it out the door and polishing the floors with some type of healing. I don’t know what it’s going to look like and I am sure there will always be spots that need to be polished. There will always be your footprints on my floor but eventually they will be gone too. Right?
A big part of me is afraid that you will never go away but now that it’s over, this will be my last blog about you because I need to abstain from this behavior. I just learned that I need to abstain in this type of harmful behavior in therapy tonight. Literally minutes ago but I had to get out my feelings one more time- thank you for teaching me to journal.
And one more thing I need to clear up, the woman in pink is 100% true but I knew it would never be me- you are too literal. Check the line of clothing you wear- it’s the Pink Collection. See it was never me, it was you all along.
I’m sorry for how things turned out for you but I am proud for taking a stand for others in my position. I really did care about you and that feeling may never go away. This will be my final blog- it’s time to move on.
Until next time,