A Valentine’s Day Guide to Everyone so You Can Stop Being an Asshole.

A guide from me:

Valentine’s Day is like the most stressful day for your significant other and it’s also a stressful day for single people. First, let me address you on behalf of your significant other… here is a guide to help you get your head out of your ass on this Valentine’s Day (Single people, your guide is below):

  1. If she says, ‘Valentine’s Day is just another day to me,’ she is lying to you. You better figure something out before you go home tonight.
  2. If you have been dating for a while and you give her a little box, she is going to assume it’s a ring. If she opens it and it’s not a ring, you’re dead. Do yourself a favor and put that necklace or earrings in a refrigerator box.
  3. If she pulls out this jewelry and says, ‘it’s pretty.’ Run. Run for your life… she was thinking an engagement ring. Run.
  4. If she says, ‘we can just sit home and watch the tv tonight’… that really means that you better plan to watch tv somewhere else, like the movies or the theater. It does not mean the local sports bar.
  5. If she says, ‘let’s not exchange gifts,’ she is lying. Get a gift or die trying to run away. She may look small but she will become like a cheetah on this day.
  6. Don’t get her any other color rose except for red. If you get another color she will know the significance of that color and will pick apart your relationship… bit by bit. ‘Oh, you got me a yellow rose so I guess we are just friends now? Who is she?’
  7. If you say, ‘let’s cook a quiet meal at home’, that does not work. The only way it will work is if you don’t have kids. Go out people with kids.
  8. Go somewhere you don’t normally go… no, you cannot meet your buddies for a few. It’s just you and her alllllll night.
  9. If you say to her, ‘here is some sexy lingerie… why don’t you put it on?’ What she will say is, ‘you ungrateful bastard… aren’t my pink Hanes Her Way enough for you?
  10. If you love her today and everyday, your life will be special… but don’t forget that diamond ring you idiots. Now run!

To all my single friends, here is a list about why the single life can be awesome:

  1. Don’t let today get you down. You are single. Live the single life or deal with the list above.
  2. You can go out and party.
  3. You can drink whatever you want and you answer to no one.
  4. You want to get crazy? Eat some Chinese food naked.
  5. You don’t have to deal with talking out your problems… or you could just talk to yourself if you are in real crisis.
  6. Find a cat or dog and cuddle the shit out of it because they don’t talk back.
  7. Babies come from relationships and babies have a  lot of bodily functions and you can’t sleep in anymore because they won’t let you.
  8. You can’t sleep in because your significant other is constantly wanting to do things to the house or to run errands with you.
  9. When you are single you can do whatever you want because everyday is special.
  10. When you are single you can make fun of all of us annoying people that spend way too much or trying to impress the other person. And I want to personally apologize for the over abundance of love on this day. It sickens me and I am married.

People in love can be annoying. Yes, it’s cute when you are actually in the relationship but just remember to not be obnoxious about it. And if you aren’t in a relationship, it just means that you won’t settle for anything less than what you deserve.

So what, it’s Valentine’s Day? You can love each other the other 364 days of the year too. Be kind to your significant other and be kind to yourself on this day because everyday should be treated like Valentine’s Day.

Until next time,

My husband got me flowers so his well-being is safe.


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I am a mother of three small children with a wonderful husband. Having children is not as simple as black and white. Having kids is black, white and crazy. I hope you enjoy my blog of my crazy escapades.

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