I Wish

Tears are seeping from my eyes and falling to my knees. They fall so much they are now touching the tops of the trees.

I wait for them to stop but they don’t; they keep seeping one by one till the earth is flooded and I am none.

On the inside I feel like nothing but so many think I am everything. They look at me and see me joke around but inside I’m broken down.

Maybe you call it self pity? Maybe it’s a disorder but I feel so messed up and their is no other order.

My mind is here. My mind is there I hope you never have to be like my mind which feels like it is everywhere.

One smell, one taste, one glance trips my memory and I am on a journey.

My journey is never here. My journey is in the past or wishing for a different future. I’m just wasting away as I cry today.

I just need a break from these thoughts. Too many to hold, too many to have.

I wish I could look at you and tell you honestly that I am fine but I am just fucked up in my mind. 

I feel like I will never get better, I will never recover, being like this will be me now and forever.

Please don’t take my word when I say I’m fine. No you don’t have to take it but you don’t need to worry because you are too kind.

Just know that behind my sarcasm and behind my laugh, there is a soul that is struggling to hang on to the present because it’s so busy in the past.

Don’t worry so much, this woman will help me. I may be with her one year or maybe three? God, could it be ten?

I can’t tell the future but I know what I am thinking, I am worried you will leave me like she did. I may be hard to handle and I know it’s not true. You would never do that to a person like me, would you?

I love you like a mom, I wish you really knew. Nothing will change because you remind me of that but I can’t get that thought out of my brain because it haunts me instead.

I wish things were different. I wish life was changed. I wish I was different. I wish I was better and I wish that I would stop wishing.

Until next time,

Allison

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BlackWhiteAndCrazy

I am a mother of three small children with a wonderful husband. Having children is not as simple as black and white. Having kids is black, white and crazy. I hope you enjoy my blog of my crazy escapades.

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