You Look Tired…

So I went to get my eyebrows waxed yesterday because face it, my eyebrows had their own zip code and they were starting to receive their own mail. It was time to go to the salon. I walk into a brand new salon recommended by a friend, (thanks Wendy) and after a twenty minute wait, I was taken back to ‘the room.’

I call it ‘the room’ because that is where they painstakingly take out each eyebrow hair and where they get comfortable giving you all type of comments. The door wasn’t even shut and I got the, ‘You look tired’ comment.

Yes, lady… I am tired and let me give you a list of reasons of why I am tired:

  1. For starters, I have three children; eight, six and five. I am tired. I haven’t slept in eight years… maybe that’s why I am tired. Someone is always coming to my room to tell me that they had a nightmare or they can’t sleep or can they play with my phone at 6am. Yes, I am tired. When was the last time someone handed you a booger while you were sleeping?
  2. I just went to a professional development conference. Yes, I worked in the middle of my summer vacation. Of course I am tired. My body is used to sleeping in until 8am with disruptions here and there about nightmares, screen time and boogers.
  3. I’m fat. Yes, I ‘diet.’ Which means I think about dieting and that is tiring. I am tired thinking about dieting. It’s exhausting. What will I eat today? Bread and water? Oh no, tacos. Yes, I am exhausted.
  4. I have three kids right? Well they are sitting on me at all times. ALL TIMES. If I go to take a crap someone is still asking to sit on my lap. If I lock the door, they pull on it until I give up. All times. All. Times.
  5. My kids are on a swim team. I go to practice, I go to meets, I live at the pool. I am getting sun. Do you know what that does to a teacher? First off, when school is in session we are getting up at the same time farmers do… and there is no sun at that time. We are getting out of school at the same time strippers are getting ready to go to work…. no sun. So yes, I am sitting in the sun, baking and the sun takes energy and hydration from you. That’s why I drink.
  6. Yesterday, I left cherries on my counter to dry overnight. Smart right? Except we have a tiny ant problem. They were all over the cherries by the time I got home from work. My husband almost ate an ant farm. When he asked me why I left out the cherries, my response was…’well, I leave out the bananas no problem.’ I got a disapproving look. Either way, I am tired from battling an army of ants. An army of ants on a BLACK countertop.
  7. I am tired because my kids are scared at night to go to bed. Yup, they go to bed when the sun is still up, they have Christmas lights on upstairs and the laundry room light but they are still scared and they tell us constantly. All. Evening. Long. “I’m scared. I’m scared. I’m scared. It’s too dark” For the love of God. When you close your eyes it will be dark anyway so just shut up and go to sleep.
  8. I am so tired because I am already having back to school dreams. Seriously. It’s July. Lesson plans, fire drills, my darkroom flooding… yeah. I wake up in a cold sweat almost every night so yea, I am tired.
  9. I am sick of dishes. Like I want to vomit. Every time I do the dishes, there are more dishes. Like I just want to tell the kids to eat off of napkins and drink from the milk jug. I don’t care because that is how many dishes I have. Live it up… eat from a paper plate… eat off the floor… oh wait, ants. Nevermind.
  10. I am tired of being asked if I am tired. Ok, so maybe I haven’t worn makeup all summer long. So just because I went to a professional development day and put it on for the first time in a month and a half doesn’t mean you have to point out that I did a shitty job covering up my dark circles. If you read the above reasons as to why I am tired then you should be proud that I don’t have dark hula hoops under my eyes that kids are trying to play in.

Until next time,

Leave me alone and let me sleep while you wax my eyebrows and suggest that I need to wax my stache’ as well. Thanks for that compliment by the way… that really topped off our appointment.

This blog is dedicated to Lorraine. Lorraine, thank you for coming up to me and asking me if I was the one who wrote this blog. You made me feel special and famous and it was cool to meet one of my blog readers that is outside of my circle of friends. Hopefully we can see each other again!


Bite Me.

Spring cleaning can bite me because when you can’t lose a pound and you have to give away your clothes and your husband can still button a Phillies jacket from when he was a BOY. Wtf? Seriously… what the fuck?

Until next time,

Fatty signing off.

Yup. Those are Mine.

I went to get my oil changed yesterday with all three of my cherubs. After an hour’s wait the Honda man sprung me from the kids waiting area to tell me that my car was ready. Sweet baby Jesus, I was able to go home but first, i had to pay.

I approach reception and the Honda guy is explaining what they did to my car. All I hear is blah, blah, blah, oil, tires, blah. As he is talking my kids have already gone into the maintenance area, stepped outside and banged on the vending machine to see if they were lucky enough to get a free Pepsi.

That’s when the receptionist lady turns to me and says,

‘Are all these children yours?’ -lady

Now I’m looking around for a high number of children and I see only my three…

‘Yes… They are all mine.’ -me

‘Oh! I thought you ran a daycare or something!’ -lady

…yes lady, this is my life. They are alllll mine… all three of them.

Until next time,

Let’s paint my mini van yellow with a black stripe on the side 

It Hasn’t Even Been a Month

I have gone from a working mom to a stay at home mom because I am a school teacher. It hasn’t even been a month and I think I am dying. Here is a list of what my life has been like:

1. I have been sitting on the couch but not alone. Oh no, my kids need to all be touching me. It’s so bad that I have to do five minute intervals of ‘who gets to sit on mommy.’

2. I have gone on one bike ride and lost a child.

3. Vincent asked me to go to McDonald’s and I told him we could go maybe once a month. He just informed me that we went last week which was June and this week was July.

4. The kids are on a swim team. Vincent is the only one that is ready to be in the meets. His freestyle consists of doing the dead man’s float down the lane and hoping for first place… he really is clutch on the relay team.

5. I am constantly in the kitchen… my kids don’t stop eating. I ran out of food.

6. Nicholas won’t stop kissing my feet and he does this weird stripper dance that I find hilarious…. neither thing is connected.

7. Beer has been my summer fling in order to get by.

8. I have watched more Pokemon then I care to ever watch in my lifetime. I finally made up my own Pokemon to piss my son off. His name is Dorito and he has spicy powers.

9. I have taught my kids the following words while frustrated: damn, shit and fuck. 

10. My kids want to know about original sin but only when we are in the car. They have also asked google to show them pictures of Jesus, the Virgin Mary, Adam and Eve and God himself. Thank you Google for having documentation and pictures of the Lord.