What I Learned on the First Day of School.

So I had a request to explain what I learned on the first day of school. I know what you are thinking, I learned my a, b, c’s but no… I learned about data, sexual harassment and eating at the Green Turtle.

Here is my list:

1) I learned how to corral goats and cows. All I need is rope, motivation and to be in shape.

2) I learned that my colleagues can’t rap. I mean I can’t either but I would never dress up in a hoodie and tape it.

3) I learned that a flash mob can use  educational information and sing it to the tune of Hairspray. It was well done. If I did it, I would have tripped over my feet and landed ten feet down in the pit area of the stage.

4) I learned that quid pro quo can get awkward when the presenter uses himself in the example.

5) I learned that saving your sick time is important… especially if you want to use short term disability or as it was so lovingly put, your STD.

6) I learned that I can’t follow a cheer, even with the guidance of cheerleaders. And I learned that not all cheerleaders can tumble. I totally would have shown off my tumbling and then I would have landed on my head just to get a STD.

7) I learned that there is always that one person who has to ask an obvious question to make the staff meeting that much longer. Seriously, shut the fuck up.

8) I learned the first words you ever utter to your principal should not be ‘Jesus Christ!’

9) I learned that eating at the Green Turtle is a good way to recruit new teachers. Is this how we are interviewing these days? If so, I will hang out at the bar and find a ton of people that can teach you something five drinks in…

10) I learned 4th and 7th grade are the best grades if you want to do well on testing and that my school did great on SAT’s last year. Zzz… boring. I don’t care about numbers just spring me from this auditorium so I can sit in a cluster fuck of traffic and get to lunch.

Until next time,

Always a life long learner.

This blog was dedicated to my inspiration, Sara Bentz. 💜

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Goodbye Summer… Hello Reality.

So it’s the start of reality for me and some of my fellow teachers and I am going to be brutally honest in this blog. I can’t decide if I want to write what I will miss about summer or sarcastically write what I am looking forward to with the start of school… so I am writing both. You’re welcome.

I am going to miss so much about summer…

1) Freedom. Freedom to do what I want when I want. Currently, I get to eat on my schedule. I get to eat when I am hungry… like most humans.

2) Peeing. I get to pee when I want to pee. Currently, I don’t have to pee in a specific five minute window. I can pee whenever I want and I can do it with my children unsupervised and if they kill each, well that’s too bad.

3) Pooping. Again on someone else’s goddamn schedule. Now I have to poop only during 4th period. Do you know what time that is… It’s like 1pm. Jesus, I am going to die. Cause of death: full of shit.

4) Two ply toliet paper. Yeah, our district is too cheap to get the good stuff so I will be sand papering my ass but only during 4th period.

5) Working out. I really enjoyed laying around the house until forty-five minutes before my husband would come home. Then, I would race around the house to clean and make it look like I was busy all day. It really got my heart rate going. So much for working out now that school is starting.

6) Sleeping. I have been sleeping till 930am. Do you know what that time means to me now? An hour before lunch. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I will be eating meatloaf at 1045 am like a barbarian.

7) Makeup. I haven’t worn makeup since I left school. I’m going to have to put it on to look human. I’m out of practice so excuse me if I look like a scary ass clown today.

8) No Showers. It’s true. I will miss skipping a shower here and there because of pure laziness. Now I have to be a productive member of society and get clean and shit.

9) Messy Hair. I never fix my hair in the summer. You know that annoying saying that girls write on Facebook? ‘Messy hair, don’t care,’ that was me but now I have to care in order to look presentable.

10) Sofia the First. I love this cartoon but it is socially unacceptable to binge watch Disney Junior on Netflix when you are thirty-eight years old.

What am I sarcastically looking forward to… let me tell you.

1) Fucking Data. I love when they put that slide up on the first, opening day. Like I give a shit about last year’s scores. 

2) Sexual Harrassement. So for ten years it has been my favorite part of opening day however, I understand that I shouldn’t ask for sexual favors or be asked. But I will be honest, if someone has a cup of coffee on that opening day, I will do what is necessary to survive. I’m bringing knee pads.

3) School Role Call. We all have to do a cheer to signal that we are present. Really? Is this necessary? I could give a shit that you have a cute rhyme or cheer. Just say present so we can all go the fuck home faster.

4) Fucking New Teachers. They come in to the education field all doey eyed and full of promise. It is my mission to break you and have you understand the consequences of your actions in becoming a teacher. Welcome to your sentence… 30 years to life if you want full pension with benefits.

5) New Teaching Strategies. What is this year’s new thing? I am excited to jump through new hoops… I need the exercise.

6) Getting Asked the Question. Don’t fucking ask me how my summer was. You don’t care anyway so why are you asking? And honestly, I tuned out after you said, ‘mine was good.’

7) Lunch. When they tell you lunch is on your own. Really? I just got back from three months off and you want me to remember my lunch? You couldn’t buy me a goddamn piece of pizza?

8) Team Building. I don’t want to build a team doing a lame scavenger hunt or walking on blocks as a group. Buy me a beer. You want people to team build? Get us sloshed. 

9) Checklists. I am so looking forward to a checklist to keep me on task. Like I don’t know that I should check out my keys and photocopy a syllabus for my classes? 

10) Getting a Speech. If one more person tells me to make it a great year, I will have to use force. Every teacher in this auditorium is counting down the days till summer 2018. The only people trying to make it a great year are the new teachers that don’t know any better with their sharpened pencils and their motivational posters.

So that’s it. Another summer in the books and another year is about to begin. For me, it’s in a new school with new people. For those who have been my colleague through those ten years, I will fucking miss you. And for those new colleagues, I am fucking phenomenal and I look forward to working with you.

Until next time,

Survival is key… and so is alcohol. 

Attention Pet Owners…

Ok, so I went on a photo shoot on Tuesday and then I went to a restaurant at the marina. It was a beautiful sunset and as I am enjoying mother nature, here comes two women with their dogs. One dog was walking and one was in a baby carriage. A fucking baby carriage. And then they proceeded to come up to where I was sitting and the lady put her dog into a front carrier attached to her body. Let’s analyze this…

1) a fucking baby carriage. You actually bought that? They have four legs… two more than humans… they are supposed to walk.

2) a fucking front carrier? Do you also breastfeed?

3) I love dogs but they don’t belong in a restaurant unless it’s a service dog. I don’t want the wind to blow a certain way and to have dog hair on my ahi tuna wrap… you twit.

4) dogs are supposed to walk and smell the roses. They are supposed to take a shit on said roses… You just deprived your dogs from taking a shit.

5) I’m sure you think it’s adorable to do this to your dogs. It’s borderline psychotic. Find a baby to walk in a carriage. Is empty nest syndrome this bad because I am celebrating in thirteen years!

6) you look like a tool. There. I said it.

7) do not. I repeat… do not put the dog up to the table. You know why? Because the dog is going to lick it and people eat there. Your dog just licked his balls and is now licking the table that you and others will be dining on.

8) I hear you yelling at your dog not to eat your food. It’s a dog. The dogs whole life is to eat, sleep and poop. You already took two things away from him.

9) what are all the other dogs going to think of him? He probably gets made fun of at the dog park… if he is even allowed to go. Poor dog.

10) please worry about what other people think. Normally I am so against this but in this case, I just wrote a blog about how idiotic it is thst you treat your dogs this way. Do me a favor and stop.

Until next time,

I’m buying a dog so it can bully your dog.

My Kids Are Wearing Me Down

Being a stay at home mom is the toughest job ever. I just looked at myself in the mirror. I am fat, disheveled and I ate chocolate chips for lunch. 

My kids are driving me nuts and I love them but there are a few reasons that they are getting on my nerves…

1) Vincent had appendicitis a couple weeks ago. He had it on the day we were leaving for the beach. After surgery he wasn’t allowed in the ocean or pool. He turned to me on vacation and said, ‘you guys owe me a four day vacation because I had surgery.’

-listen kid. You just cost me like three giant medical bills. You owe me a vacation.

2) The constant whining. I don’t feel good today and I offered them to have a snack for lunch and they are whining about it. 

-Eat chips… they are made from potatoes and I am pretty sure those chocolate chips you are eating are made with dairy. Plus chocolate has a cancer fighting mechanism… you’re welcome.

3) Barbies. I am constantly playing Barbies but I am usually Barbies dog who doesn’t know how to talk.

-Ok… can I have a speaking role? I think I am ready.

4) The insults. My kids call each other stupid head. ALL. DAY. LONG.

-Step it up a notch. Try stupid mother fucker and see how much more effective that is.

5) Constant eating. Where is it going? Sometimes we just run out of food. My tiny people need to learn how to ration.

-Godforbid we are in some kind of zombie apocalypse situation. They are not allowed in my bunker because they will eat our supply in a few hours.

6) Screen time. I am sick of regulating it. Just watch it so I can have some peace.

-Honestly, I think they learn more from screen than me. The boys just gave me the definition of immune. Thank you Lion Gaurd and Disney Junior!

7) I am tired of being a human couch. My three kids just have to sit on me. It is so bad that we have to rotate every five minutes.

-I finally wised up and put in a fourth five minute interval for mommy time. I am living it up for five minutes in every twenty minute rotation.

8) Pooping. I can’t wait to go back to work so I can poop alone. Right now they find me. I don’t know how and I don’t know why but they know my every move.

-They come to tell me the following: their hopes, their dreams, the best part of their day! They share with me what they are eating and drinking. How hungry they are and if I want to play with them. All this while I am wiping my ass.

9) Three square meals a day. They don’t want three… it’s more like we never leave the kitchen. I put this in twice, not because I am running out of material but because people need to prepare if they have children.

-Prepare. Prepare to spend money on food and still share everything that is on your plate.

10) Pretending to be active. We go on walks and bike rides that last at least an hour.

-We are actually only going around a long block but there is so much whining and crying that it takes extra long. Then we have to collect rocks and leaves and sticks to throw in the creek. Someone is always falling off their bike or having a near miss with a car no matter how many times I tell them to stay next to the curb.

Just to prove that I have one more left…

11) Fighting about clothes. My kids just can’t get their shit together. They wear shorts for two weeks at a time, Vincent prefers to wear his shirts inside out and sometime backwards… He claims he is waiting for snow since that is what we do before a big snowfall. I don’t even know when my kids last changed their underwear.

-I guess I am leaving their laundry up to mutual good faith. I know that we taught them all the right rules about changing their clothes and I am certain that they are not doing it. I guess that shower once a week will help with the smell.

Until next time,

Pass me the chocolate chips