A Trip to the Market

So Joe and I are just trying to make it through this week off with the kids. Yesterday, Christmas was lovely but naturally our three children are bored today.

I asked Joe if he wanted to get a sitter for tonight but he felt like we could tough it out. So there we were this morning trying to figure out when we could get breaks from the kids. Joe was relieved that he had a physical today so he could get a break from the family- apparently turning and coughing is more fun than family time.

I, on the other hand, was excited to take a trip to the grocery store to get ingredients for soup. I know, when did I get this old? Either way, I am getting ready to leave and Emily and Nicholas ask to come.

Here is a list of the adventure to Shop Rite…

1) We had to get a shopping cart with the car. So the two kids get in but they have grown since the last car cart and  are basically sitting on top of each other.

2) I asked Nicholas to look out for whipped cream. Then I looked over at him and he is looking for whipped cream as he is army crawling through the aisles.

3) I lost Nicholas in an aisle and when I screamed for him, he came running around the corner claiming he thought a fat man was calling for him. Two questions… one: why do I sound like a fat man and two: why are you responding to a strange, fat man?

4) I got a new kind of ice cream and Nicholas thought it looked good so he started licking the picture on the carton.

5) I asked Nicholas to help me put the groceries on the belt. I look over and he is in the middle of the main aisle with two bags of bagels, swinging them and screaming, ‘nunchucks!’

6) Nicholas and Emily found the ice chest where they sell bags of ice. I yelled at Nicholas to get out of there as one leg was already in the freezer. 

7) We needed beer so naturally I took them to the liquor store. I lost Emily somewhere in the whiskey aisle. 

8) Nicholas picked out our beer. And it actually isn’t a bad kind. He is all set for when he turns 21.

9) I explained to the kids that everything in the liquor store was breakable. So naturally they touched every bottle.

10) It’s pretty obvious I looked stressed because the owner looked at me and said, ‘I guess this is because you are with your kids this whole week?’ Spot on liquor store guy… spot on.

Until next time,

It’s a liquor and ice cream kind of night.

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Yeah…He is a Close, Personal Friend.

Sometimes I sit back and wonder… what the hell is going on with kids today? Then I develop a migraine and I stop thinking.

Here is a good example of a conversation I had yesterday…

‘Hey Mrs. Iannone… I always wondered… is that a real picture of the Mona Lisa?’ -student

‘I mean, yeah, it’s a poster of the painting.’ -me

‘No, I mean is that like the original.’ -student

‘The original Mona Lisa?’ -me

‘Yeah…’ -student

‘Honey, if that was the case, then I wouldn’t be teaching you in this cinder block room. We would be livin’ the high life with new art supplies…’ -me

‘Oh ok. I kind of thought if it was real, he would have signed his name or something…’ -student

In this section, I am just going to tell you that I just stared at him with my mouth wide open and if my forehead was a scrolling marquee, it would have said, ‘what the fuck is happening?’

Until next time,

da Vinci and Allison = BFF’S 4eva 

 

It’s a Wonderful Life

I went to an old movie theater with my mom to watch, It’s a Wonderful Life. 

If you hate spoilers and plan to watch the old classic, stop reading. 

If you already know the plot, then you know the main character, George, thinks everyone around him would be better off if he was never born.

It got me thinking because every year I watch this movie with my mom and every year I feel like George. I have been on the brink of rage only seeing that suicide is my only option. Praying to God that I was never born. Wishing that he would take me in the night.

Every year I watch this movie, I also notice a change within me. Last year, I wanted to self harm after the movie and this year I wanted to celebrate that the thoughts of self harm and suicide are not as frequent because of dialectical behavior therapy and my amazing therapist.

Although I can’t self validate yet, I thought it would be nice just to tell people what they mean to you now. Why wait till death? Enjoy this holiday season and tell people how thankful you are that they were born into your life.

Until next time,

Thanks Clarence

Eggs and Bacon

Joe woke up before me and let me sleep. Emily came up at 10am and poked my forehead to tell me breakfast was ready. I came downstairs to eggs, bacon and toast.

But the story gets better. When Joe told Emily to wake me up, Nicholas popped up from the couch and said, ‘breakfast? Is it mother’s day?’

Haha… shows you how often Joe turns on the stove.

Until next time,

Where are the roses?

Predictable or…?

I have had the worst couple days and my therapist is out of town this week, so yeah.

‘Hey Joe. HCWAAC.’ -me

‘No.’ – Joe

‘ You don’t even know what I said.’ -me

‘Umm, “Hot Chocolate with Alcohol and Cookies.” – Joe

‘ How did you know that?’ -me

‘Come on. Seriously?’ – Joe

Sooo, am I predictable or do we just have a strong, loving marriage based around cookies and drinks?

Until next time,

Marry someone who understands you.

A Dead End on Memory Lane

I can’t believe that it has been almost a year since we got the first verdict- they were taking away your license. I couldn’t believe it. I felt so bad then.

Here we are, almost a year later, and your appeal still resulted in revoking your license but now it is permanent. You can’t hurt me anymore or anyone else.

It’s funny because I read the new appeal documents and my memories came flooding back like an express train to D.C. Zipping, twisting and turning and never stopping until it reaches it’s final destination; the final destination floods my memories.

I still think about you. Every. Single. Day. Wondering if you are ok and thinking about the fun times we had but it was just the wrong time and the wrong circumstances and to be honest, I don’t know why I do that. It’s weird how the mind works.

I wonder if we would have ever been friends if you weren’t my therapist. Would I have met you in a coffee house or through friends or would we have just passed each other like so many other strangers on the street?

We should stroll down memory lane and remember those times. Everyone: raise your glass to these dual times I had with my therapist/friend…

Remember that time that you said that you wished I wasn’t married so we could hang out more? Oh man… I felt special.

Remember that time that you said I was a much better person when I was drunk? Haha… and people with Borderline Personality Disorder have a hard time with alcohol… that makes it especially humorous. Cool. Thanks.

Do you remember when you asked me if I did night time photography? And then remember that you asked me to follow around your ex-boyfriends wife to see if she was cheating on him? Man, I only wish I had that type of equipment.

Remember the time you asked to borrow $300 from me… yup, still your client but I didn’t mind because I trusted you.

Remember that time you said you were going to send me to the ‘crazy house,’ if I didn’t lie to the investigator for you? Do they have a bus that takes me there or should I grab an uber?

Oh, this was a good one! Remember when you told me that you were going to tell my boss that I was a ticking time bomb to get the other letter from me to retract what the state found out about us? <tick, tick, tick.>

Oh my… do you remember the time that we did sensory therapy on the beach and I was in a really bad place and you asked me to go to the bar with you but I said no? And then you made me go anyway and we got drunk and I didn’t get home till like 4am? Man, I am surprised my husband didn’t divorce me.

Remember the time you berated me for being suicidal and then never documented it in your notes? I wish someone listened to me then.

Oh. One of my favorites! Remember the time I contacted you to tell you that I was having panic attacks and didn’t want to go to school because I was afraid of the shooter drill and afraid of being shot and then you never wrote me back because you wanted to ‘teach me a lesson?’ Oh come on! You remember… you wanted to teach me a lesson on my fear of abandonment and have me realize that you would always be there for me? I am glad you were there a week later. Cool.

Remember when you left me at the restaurant because you said I had boundary issues? And then when I begged you not to leave but you got up and left me there to sit by myself? Funny right? Because someone with Borderline Personality Disorder has a fear of abandonment but there you left me which makes it extra hilarious.

And then remember when I thought it was the worst day of my life? Oh yea, you texted me to find another therapist? Oh God. I thought that that was going to be the worst day ever but it turned out the be the best part of my life because I found a new therapist; one that cares about me.

You see, I am still hurting and you are too. I am not stupid because I know you are. I know my blog is dripping with sarcasm but I am sincere with some parts. I do think about you every single day. You were a big part of my life. Sometimes a terrible part but a part that I have learned from.

I thought I had moved on but I guess I am still angry. I am a lot more healthier than I used to be and anger is just an emotion that gives us information. I guess my anger is telling me that I still think about you and I wish I didn’t because it still hurts. I wish I was the person I am now back then. I wish I was different, stronger and healthier.

I wish. I wish things were different.

Until next time,

I wish this nightmare was over for the both of us.