A Dead End on Memory Lane

I can’t believe that it has been almost a year since we got the first verdict- they were taking away your license. I couldn’t believe it. I felt so bad then.

Here we are, almost a year later, and your appeal still resulted in revoking your license but now it is permanent. You can’t hurt me anymore or anyone else.

It’s funny because I read the new appeal documents and my memories came flooding back like an express train to D.C. Zipping, twisting and turning and never stopping until it reaches it’s final destination; the final destination floods my memories.

I still think about you. Every. Single. Day. Wondering if you are ok and thinking about the fun times we had but it was just the wrong time and the wrong circumstances and to be honest, I don’t know why I do that. It’s weird how the mind works.

I wonder if we would have ever been friends if you weren’t my therapist. Would I have met you in a coffee house or through friends or would we have just passed each other like so many other strangers on the street?

We should stroll down memory lane and remember those times. Everyone: raise your glass to these dual times I had with my therapist/friend…

Remember that time that you said that you wished I wasn’t married so we could hang out more? Oh man… I felt special.

Remember that time that you said I was a much better person when I was drunk? Haha… and people with Borderline Personality Disorder have a hard time with alcohol… that makes it especially humorous. Cool. Thanks.

Do you remember when you asked me if I did night time photography? And then remember that you asked me to follow around your ex-boyfriends wife to see if she was cheating on him? Man, I only wish I had that type of equipment.

Remember the time you asked to borrow $300 from me… yup, still your client but I didn’t mind because I trusted you.

Remember that time you said you were going to send me to the ‘crazy house,’ if I didn’t lie to the investigator for you? Do they have a bus that takes me there or should I grab an uber?

Oh, this was a good one! Remember when you told me that you were going to tell my boss that I was a ticking time bomb to get the other letter from me to retract what the state found out about us? <tick, tick, tick.>

Oh my… do you remember the time that we did sensory therapy on the beach and I was in a really bad place and you asked me to go to the bar with you but I said no? And then you made me go anyway and we got drunk and I didn’t get home till like 4am? Man, I am surprised my husband didn’t divorce me.

Remember the time you berated me for being suicidal and then never documented it in your notes? I wish someone listened to me then.

Oh. One of my favorites! Remember the time I contacted you to tell you that I was having panic attacks and didn’t want to go to school because I was afraid of the shooter drill and afraid of being shot and then you never wrote me back because you wanted to ‘teach me a lesson?’ Oh come on! You remember… you wanted to teach me a lesson on my fear of abandonment and have me realize that you would always be there for me? I am glad you were there a week later. Cool.

Remember when you left me at the restaurant because you said I had boundary issues? And then when I begged you not to leave but you got up and left me there to sit by myself? Funny right? Because someone with Borderline Personality Disorder has a fear of abandonment but there you left me which makes it extra hilarious.

And then remember when I thought it was the worst day of my life? Oh yea, you texted me to find another therapist? Oh God. I thought that that was going to be the worst day ever but it turned out the be the best part of my life because I found a new therapist; one that cares about me.

You see, I am still hurting and you are too. I am not stupid because I know you are. I know my blog is dripping with sarcasm but I am sincere with some parts. I do think about you every single day. You were a big part of my life. Sometimes a terrible part but a part that I have learned from.

I thought I had moved on but I guess I am still angry. I am a lot more healthier than I used to be and anger is just an emotion that gives us information. I guess my anger is telling me that I still think about you and I wish I didn’t because it still hurts. I wish I was the person I am now back then. I wish I was different, stronger and healthier.

I wish. I wish things were different.

Until next time,

I wish this nightmare was over for the both of us.





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I am a mother of three small children with a wonderful husband. Having children is not as simple as black and white. Having kids is black, white and crazy. I hope you enjoy my blog of my crazy escapades.

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