Trigger Warning: Suicide

I just wanted to give everyone a fair warning that this blog is going to be straight up honest and blunt.

I have a mental illness. I am not shy about sharing it because I hope that it will help others be brave enough to share or to get the help and support they need.

In case you are wondering, this is what I have: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I basically am like a buffet of issues- a little of this and a little of that. It’s like going to a Chinese buffet that has pizza and chicken nuggets.

Either way, I have discovered something about mental illness that made me so angry that I can’t be silent anymore. I was asked today why I am on intermittent FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act).

I am on FMLA because of my PTSD which was a direct result of an active shooter drill that one of the high schools did where I used to work. The school I worked at brought in three men with assault rifles, shot up the school with blanks and they had people banging on the door screaming to let them in because the ‘shooter had a gun and we are going to fucking die.’

So yeah, getting up and going to work is hard because I am going to a place that doesn’t feel safe and although feelings can feel real, they are usually not true. And as much as my mind understands that, my PTSD and Trauma brain does not.

When I was questioned about it today, I was open and honest. I mean I write a blog for God’s sake. But then this person, who is extremely kind but I feel like doesn’t realize how they come off, said that they ‘understand people that are on FMLA because they need medical treatment but they…

And that’s when it hit me. I told this person that just because this other persons pain is physical and can be seen, doesn’t mean that my disability doesn’t exist because it can’t be seen.

And that’s when I realized, in order for people to believe that you are in fact sick, you have to have physical problems. So it makes me sad but I believe the only way people will know that I suffer and that I am sick is if I self-harm and develop physical scars or if I just can’t put up with life anymore and decide to kill myself.

So do all of us who have mental illness a favor and believe that we are suffering. Believe that we are hurting. Believe that we are scared. Believe that we are triggered. Believe us when we say that we are trying to get better.

We don’t ask someone with cancer to show the results of the tests that changed their lives forever. You don’t ask a diabetic to show their pricked finger or their empty needles. You don’t ask a person in a wheelchair to walk just to be sure that they would fall. Why is mental illness different? I am fighting battles that you will never know anything about and for that I am brave. For that, we are all brave.

Until next time,

Allison

If you are suicidal and need someone to talk to, contact the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

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Published by

BlackWhiteAndCrazy

I am a mother of three small children with a wonderful husband. Having children is not as simple as black and white. Having kids is black, white and crazy. I hope you enjoy my blog of my crazy escapades.

8 thoughts on “Trigger Warning: Suicide”

  1. Thank you for writing this. People don’t understand that just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it isn’t there. I also wanted to say thank you because you helped me more than you know. I am a former student of yours. My senior year you were there for me more times than anyone including other teachers, the guidance counselor or my own parents were. I have depression and anxiety too. I haven’t self harmed since I graduated (it was a couple of years ago) but I just wanted to thank you for helping me get through it all. I’m still sorry they cut the photography program. You were the best teacher a student could ask for.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Dear anonymous,

      I wanted to tell you that I am sorry that you are hurting too. From personal experience, I am sure it’s a relief to know that you are not alone. I want you to know that even though i don’t ‘know’ you from this post, you can still lean on me. We will get through this and we will have our ups and downs but this too shall pass. Thank you for the nice compliment about my teaching. When you are a teacher, you never know If you make a difference in the life of a child. That’s all we want as teachers. To know that we cared enough for you to learn life inside and outside of the classroom. Lots of love and peace to you. Xo

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I am so sorry you had to deal with that person. I was going to say rude person, but really it should be “uneducated person”. Invisible illnesses have for so long been sort of secret, maybe because there wasn’t a lot of information. So many people have no clue. Next time we meet we could have a long talk……you are very brave. ps- i love that your student contacted you……

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m so proud of you, Allison! I know how hard you’re fighting to get better every day. You have come a long way in your recovery. I can’t pretend to know all you go through but I realize it’s extremely hard to “stay ahead” of things on a bad day ! With your therapist help, hopefully you’ll keep progressing. I know your hard work will help that happening. We’re here to help any way we can even if it’s just you “venting” to us. We are here to help you!!

    Liked by 1 person

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