Do You Even Run Bro?

So, my fat ass was on the way to work and when I raised my weary eyes, I saw this car in front of me. Let me tell you something, all you runners out there, I don’t run. I barely walk and if I am walking, I usually have a destination in mind. Like, walking to my car… my car takes me places that are miles away. If you are running for that same outcome there is something wrong with you. Yes, that is a judgement.

I don’t need to see the magnets on your car. I don’ need to know that you ran 13.2 miles. I don’t even know what 19.3 miles is; what is that? Like some kind of Iron Man? Are you sick?

I don’t need your magnets that tells me to ‘run’ and ‘to be happy’ and that ‘kindness matters.’ I don’t need you to tell this fatty how to live my life.

You know what makes me want to be happy, to be kind and to run? A sale at the liquor store.

So, I want you to think about how you decorate your car. Not everyone needs to know your business. And if we are all going to decorate our cars, now that magnets are a thing, I am going to decorate my car with magnets that say things like, ‘cupcakes,’ ‘I run if I am being chased’ and ‘I am a lot kinder if I am drinking.’

I feel like making a list. Here is my list about why runners make me angry:

  1. You put those magnets all over your car. Why don’t you just wear your medals around your neck all the time; kind of like I wear my muffin top?
  2. Your shoes are always on point. You spend like a $100 for a nice pair of sneakers. Meanwhile, I bought my sneakers off of an ad I saw on Facebook because they had little cameras on them.
  3. You sweat and you like it. I sweat and I feel gross. And no offense, don’t come near me because you stink.
  4. You taste salty after a big run. I have kissed my husband after a marathon and all I taste is salt and you know what that does to me? It makes me want a soft pretzel.
  5. You run for fun. Ok, if that’s what you do for fun maybe you need to get out more. Try a movie.
  6. Spandex and/or yoga pants. I don’t need to see all of your curves and lines. Do you want me to put on spandex? It would basically be like viewing a human sausage in casing.
  7.  Your selfies on social media after you run. No. One. Wants. To. See. That. Do you want to see me after I walk up a flight of stairs? I mean, I look the same as you but I am not posting it all over social media.
  8. All the water you drink. I hate hearing, ‘hey, I drank like nine cups of water today.’ Ok, I don’t drink nine cups of water in nine days. My body is 80% coffee.
  9. ‘I LOVE vegetables.’ Bro, shut the fuck up. I went down the beach with some friends and they came back to the beach house to eat peppers and carrots after their morning exercise. By the time they came home, I had already drank two cups of coffee and ate two oatmeal cream pies. Not my proudest moment but a delicious moment.
  10. The invitation. Yeah, I get excited when you invite me out with you and then I find out that you are literally inviting me out to run with you. The answer is no. I will meet you there… in my car; that has heated seats and artificial warm air that is blowing in my face.

Until next time,

Stop decorating your cars because people end up writing blogs about you.



Finding Out Too Much

So I guess I have taught my kids too much…

‘Mom, are you itching your vagina?’ – son number 1

‘Yeah, I guess so.’ -me

‘You’re supposed to do that in the bathroom or your room.’ -son number 1

‘No… that’s if I wanted to play with my vagina. If I wanted to play with it, I would play with it in my room or the bathroom.’ -me

‘Well, I play with my penis in the wild.’ -son number 2

‘Well, don’t do that.’ -me

‘Yeah, I play with mine in school sometimes.’ -son number 1

‘Oh dear God. No.’ -me

Until next time,

Watch out for the wild penis.

The ‘Talk.’

So last night was girls night and me and my daughter were home by ourselves. We picked up all the necessities for a girls night: sushi, oreos and ice cream. She wanted fruit but whaaaat? No, that does not fit in with a girls night.

After we ate sushi, I unwrapped my little girls first Ben and Jerry’s.

We had the talk that every mother should have when their daughter has their first Ben and Jerry. I looked deep in her eyes and told her the following:

‘Ok, you eat this ice cream for the following reasons.

1) If boys are being dou…er, butt heads. (Yup, I almost said douche bags).

2) If you are having a terrible day and you can’t stop crying. (I almost told her to accompany the ice cream with a bottle of wine).

3) If boys are being butt heads. (It needed to be said for emphasis).

And lastly, you never eat the whole thing because you will most likely need it the next day.’

And then, it’s that moment every mother looks forward to; I handed her the spoon.

Then she looked at me and said, ‘I don’t think I want this… I think I want Oreos instead.’

Until next time,

Just stab me in the heart because it would hurt less.