Consonant, Vowel, Consonant.

Every week, Nicholas has to do a blind sort where he writes down the words for the week and sorts them by the pattern of vowels and consonants. This was tonight’s blind sort staring me:

‘Ok Nicholas, boat. I am riding on a boat…’ -me

‘Ok.’ -Nicholas

‘Next word, box… I put the present in the box.’ -me

‘Ok.’ -Nicholas

‘Ok, drop. Like, ‘drop it like it’s hot.'” -me

Yeah, I totally drew a blank. Nothing says hip and with it like a 1st graders spelling homework.

Until next time,

Gangsters Paradise.’ Like everyday I go to work, I feel like I am in Gangsters Paradise.'”

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Dating When You are Married in Your Late Thirties

Dating after you have kids is always challenging. There is juggling life and then trying to fit in a date here and there to remember why you fell in love. There is the whole hurdle of finding a babysitter that is good to your kids and then shelling out the extra cash just for a hot date that is going to end around 11 pm if you are lucky.

So how do you know if you are dating in your late thirties?

Let me take you there with my experience on this past Friday night at 8:30pm:

1) When we went out on Friday night we could barely keep our eyes open. When I checked the time, it was nearly 9 pm.

2) While at dinner my husband, Joe, kept looking at the ceiling. Finally after the third go around, he looks at me and says, ‘do you see that light? It just keeps flickering.’ Yeah, this conversation is enough to turn anyone on.

3) I asked Joe at 9:30pm if he wanted to go to a bar that all these college people were lined up for but he didn’t want to go. His excuse was that it was too cold to stand in line and wait.

4) As we are passing the college students in downtown, this girl with a sequence mini pair of shorts walked passed us. I think I saw her vag with every step she was taking and before I knew it, I was saying those dreaded words… ‘does your mother know you are wearing that?’

5) After Joe didn’t want to go to the bar to hang out, we decided to hit up the local Acme grocery store for some much needed bbq sauce and tomato sauce. Yes, we made it rain in aisle five picking up our favorite sauces.

6) As we are leaving, I passed by the ice cream section and any girl knows when you have a bad day, you just want some Ben and Jerry’s. Instead of supporting my choices, Joe complained about the prices of ice cream and I left empty handed.

7) I knew it was a true date when Joe politely opened up my door… in the middle of the Acme parking lot. Oh baby, oh baby.

8) Nothing says the date is over like complaining about dry contacts. Because really, that is the secret code for, ‘get me home and into bed.’

9) When I finally got home, I realized my most favorite part of the night was taking off my bra.

10) You know you are old when you have done the following in one night, went out to eat, shopped for sauces, got take out milkshakes as a compromise and were still home by 11pm.

This is Me

So I recently found out that people were making fun of me behind my back. No surprise there because I put my whole life online and into this blog. And to be honest, we all talk about each other- it just happens. We vent, we get frustrated, we need an outlet and I understand that.

Seriously, it’s not that I don’t expect to get made fun of- believe me, I know I am the following: a sarcastic bitch, fat and a hot mess… emphasis on the hot.

And I am not necessarily ashamed of any of it. Maybe I am ashamed of the fat part but that’s only because my muffin top has it’s own zip code and earned it’s drivers license.

But either way, I am not ashamed of who I am because frankly, I have come so far from where I was. I know I am all those things and more and I am sure people talk about me. However, what is aggravating is being made fun of for my emotions and my mental state.

I’m fine if we are talking in jest and you are burning me with jokes left and right but I am not fine with you making fun of me for battling something you know nothing about. I have many scars and those scars make me who I am today.

I love lists… perhaps I am a Borderline that has a heaping, steamy side of OCD. Who knows but here is my list of why you shouldn’t make fun of people with mental illness:

1) Do you truly know my mental state? I could look happy one minute and then in the next instance, look like I am plotting your demise and your children’s children demise the next… or I could just have gas and that’s just the way my face looks.

2) Sometimes I am so depressed that I don’t shower. If you piss me off, maybe I won’t shower and hang out with you more often but I will also stick around and not shower long enough to disgust your children’s children. Smelly people burn the nose hairs.

3) When I cry with all of my emotions, I am going to wipe my boogers all over your personal items and the faces of your children’s children.

4) This has nothing to do with my mental illness but as a bonus, I am going to fart in your vicinity and crop dust you and your children’s children.

5) I will not trust you. And maybe that doesn’t matter to you but in my world there is a circle of trust. If you aren’t in my circle, then you are dead to me and so is your children’s children.

6) I am literally going to lick everything you own. Including the faces of your children’s children.

7) I will put on a dark over coat and then, in the dead of night, I will dig a hole. It could be for you and your children’s children. I would line it with cement and gift you… a brand new swimming pool! Geez, I am not that type of psycho. No, it’s not a grave… just bring your swimmies.

8) I like chicken. Maybe I will eat it and build the left over bones back into the chicken carcass for you and your children’s children. I will hide them in different places you frequent. Not because I am psycho but because I like sculpting.

9) I will bring you Twinkies. They will still be good when your children’s children are able to eat them because Twinkies never die. I will offer them to you as a peace offering… but should you eat it? Well, yeah, it’s a Twinkie.

10) I will tell you that you are a gorgeous person and so are your children’s children but should you believe me? Of course because I am not a douche and I tell people how I feel to their face.

And even though these people talked about me and made fun of my mental state, doesn’t mean I hate them. It means that they need to be more educated on what it’s like to be an emotional person and more particularly a person who is battling Borderline Personality Disorder.

Not everyone will get it and not everyone will understand but that is why I write and talk about my struggles openly.

Until next time,

This is me

My Triumphs and My Big, Fat Failures as a Parent

So today was Sunday and that can only mean three things: Sunday School, Mass and cleaning the house.

Today is a list of triumphs and failures and this list was just from today. Pay attention and maybe you will feel better after reading about my Sunday.

1) My biggest joy and triumph was my awesome husband. He woke me up this morning and instead of killing him, he lovingly asked if I wanted to turn off his Sunday alarm. Yes people, today was the kids last day of Sunday school for the year!

➡Triumph because now I can sleep in again.

2) And as quickly as I celebrated, my husband turned around and said, ‘yeah, but there goes an hour and a half of free babysitting.’

➡ A sad failure and realization that my kids are all mine every Sunday until the fall.

3) Joe realized we didn’t get the kids Sunday school teachers a thank you gift so I was going to pick one up before I picked up my kids in the late morning. As I am driving them to Sunday school, I realized that I don’t know any of their teachers names. There are six teachers and I couldn’t even tell you a ‘it sounds like.’

➡Parental failure that you hope your kids will never inherit from you.

4) I thought I would just ask the kids who their teachers were so I could write their names on the cards. Emily and Vincent knew all their teachers and then Nicholas was like… yeah, I have no idea.

➡Damn, he picked up my parental fail from number 3 real quick.

5) As I am leaving Sunday school, I am high fiving other parents that I don’t know and I am screaming how this is the best day ever while in the church parking lot.

➡I look at this as a parental win because I made other parents feel good. However, they reluctantly high fived me and I wonder if it was the lack of babysitting thing or the fact that I looked like a psycho.

6) Usually all three kids are crazy at mass and all I want them to do is to pay attention. Today, two our of the three fell asleep on me. Why is everything so black and white? Why can’t we just have a low key mass where no one is playing with human nails or snoring on me?

➡Parental win. At least they were quiet and not crawling with disease this week. (Read Church Escapades: the Lost Files, if you are confused.)

7) We are doing spring cleaning and I decided to knock down a wasps nest in the middle of the day. I wanted to get it down but I was also fearing death. Emily was with me and I told her to get ready to outrun the wasps, you know, just in case.

➡Parenting win because I told her to put down the pruning sheers before she had to outrun the wasps. Safety first.

8) We are having a party for Vincent next weekend and I am supposed to make bbq pulled chicken. I went to put the chicken in the crockpot only to realize that we didn’t have any bbq sauce. Being lazy, I didn’t want to go to the store so I just pulled out all our McDonald’s sauces. There is bbq, sweet and sour and szechuan sauce on my chicken. If anyone asks, I am calling it the McDonald’s special.

➡A resourceful parenting win if you ask me.

9) I took Emily and Nicholas out for new shoes because their shoes are getting too small. Emily kept saying that she wanted Sketchers. I assumed it was because Nicholas already has Sketchers and then we are leaving the store empty handed and Emily says, ‘man, I really want Sketchers because of the memory foam.’

‘Uhh, where did you hear that?’ -me

‘Oh, I heard it on tv.’ -Emily

➡Clearly a parenting win because she already knows what she wants and the tv is doing a good job babysitting my children and the tv costs nothing to watch my kids.

10) Vincent was upset he wasn’t getting new shoes and I told him that I was going to let him pick dinner and I would get him some Chinese food. He was so excited!

➡Parenting win because Joe and I decided we wanted Chinese an hour before and Vincent thinks it was his choice.

Until next time,

➡Always remember that life is full of triumphs and failures and we never know who is having what type of day. Always high five that stranger and act psycho in that parking lot. Maybe you will make someone’s day a little brighter.

🎵The more you know...🎵

Where Can I Order a Set of Breasts?

So I am a big supporter of the LGBQT Community and I do everything I can to educate my children even while they are young. I want them to grow up understanding love and tolerance for people that may be different from them. Above all else, I constantly tell them that they can marry whomever they want, whether it’s a boy or a girl.

With that being said, I was not prepared for the discussion Nicholas was having with me last night. He has been on this obsession about boobs. I mean the kid is obsessed and like every other man, he wants his own set.

So this was our conversation last night:

‘ Hey mommy! I want breasts!’ -Nicholas

‘Ok, well, you need to be a girl.’ -me

‘Ok, I want to be a girl. Can I be a girl?? Please?!’ -Nicholas

‘Well, Ok, I guess we will have to talk to your doctor.’ -me

‘Can he make me a girl? With breasts?’ -Nicholas

‘Yeah, if that’s what you want. What do you want your name to be?’

‘Uhh, I want my name to be Xylophone.’ -Nicholas

‘Ok, Xylophone has a nice ring to it with our last name. I mean you will never be able to fit it on the boxes on the SAT form but whatever.’ -me

‘Great. So does the doctor just give me a magic pill and say abra-cadabra?’ -Nicholas

‘Uhh…’ -me

And then, in true lady-like form, he turned around and farted in my face.

Until next time,

Xylophone’s mom signing off

Having a Child with ADHD- the Reality

So, this post is going to be about ADHD and the reality of it. Yes, I will be making fun of it but hey, if you don’t laugh, you will be miserable. So, if you are sensitive, don’t read any further.

Our oldest son, Vincent, has ADHD and I am pretty sure he is spreading his symptoms to our middle son, Nicholas. Yes, it’s like watching a forest fire spread and the only way to fight the flames is with your garden hose.

They are literally like little forest fires. Jumping from one thing to the other causing mayhem and chaos as they go.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my children dearly but dear, sweet Jesus, I can’t keep up with their shenanigans.

On Monday morning, we had a really hard core thunderstorm and both boys came into our bedroom. And I don’t care because they are scared and need some love and that’s fine. What wasn’t fine was that after my morning alarm went off, I told both boys that they could stay in my bed and quietly watch the thunderstorm.

So off I go, begrudgingly of course, because who wants to go to work during a monsoon, let alone ever? I went in the bathroom to pee, and I kid you not, Vincent came in as my butt was making contact with the toliet. Guess what he told me?

No guesses? Ok, that’s because he wanted to let me know… at 5:47am that he could see the moon sometimes behind the sun.

Really? I mean peeing in the early morning hours is the only me time I have and he is telling me about his ability to see both the sun and moon at the same time. No son, you are basically staring into the sun and burning your corneas.

So, I don’t want to hurt his feelings and I tell him how interesting that is and send him back to my room so I can finish getting ready.

When I finally emerge from the bathroom in all my glory, the boys are thankfully not in my bedroom but are discussing important life matters, loudly in Vincent’s room. Meanwhile, our five year old is still sleeping and I walk into Vincent’s room and tell the boys that they have to whisper.

Nicholas does a fine job but Vincent was born without a volume control. I can hear the kid through two doors and a hallway.

When I finally open up my bedroom door, my two boys are standing there proudly. Nicholas turns to me and says, ‘hey mommy, do you like our breasts? It was Vincent’s idea.’

Yup, I am so glad I asked them to sit on my bed, whisper and quietly watch the storm. Instead I learned that it is possible to stare at the sun and burn your eyes and that boys can have breasts.

Until next time,

Did you at least buy a bra?

Church Escapades: the Lost Files.

So it has been a while since I have talked about my three young children, ages nine, seven and five, at church. Church is still a hassle because I spend more time disciplining than listening. So here is today’s adventure.

1) The kids cried from the parking lot to the church that they didn’t want to go to mass. Most kids say they don’t want to go because it’s boring. My kids cried because it was too cold outside and this was the justification of why they didn’t want to go. Yeah, makes total sense.

2) In the middle of mass, Vincent pulled a rock out of his jacket. It wasn’t a rock, it was a boulder. And not just any boulder, but one that had his name on it. Written in old world viking language. Wtf?

3) Vincent made Nicholas laugh so hard that the kid snorted. And he snorted out a giant pile of snot. And he was sitting on my lap and I didn’t have tissues. So naturally, I used my hands and then Joe, my husband, looked at me and held out his hand. Not knowing what had happened with Nicholas, I just gently passed off a handful of snot and then we both rubbed it in like lotion. I guess this explains why no one shook our hand at the Peace Be With You part of mass.

4) Nicholas and Vincent finally settled down during the consecration of the Eucharist. When the priest sang, ‘the Mystery of Faith,’ both boys sang with him but changed it to their version which is ‘Mystery of Face.’

5) Then the priest raises Jesus to the heavens and starts to chant, except his chant is in stereo because both boys are singing with him… ‘in the unity of the Holy Spirit, one God forever and ever.’ They did so well, I am considering asking the priest if he needs backup singers on the alter every Sunday.

6) I guess Nicholas got bored with chanting and he leans over to the other pew and is playing with what I can only assume is a fuzzy. No, it wasn’t. It was a nail. A human nail. And no, it wasn’t ours.

7) I told him to put it down because that was beyond disgusting and instead he named it. ‘Mommy, this nail is pum-pum.’ So gross but I tried to keep my cool.

8) Then he reached over and found another nail and looked up and me and said, ‘this is pum-pum. And this one is pum-pum junior.’ Well, that was when I busted out laughing.

9) So clearly he isn’t listening as I am telling him that these human nails could be cased with disease. I look over and he has one nail on each hand and he is whispering to himself. ‘Hello pum-pum. Hello pum-pum junior. I now baptize you. Yaaaay.’ Seriously, what is happening.

10) As we are leaving, I finally get a chance to wipe off Nicholas and he starts to cry about me killing pum-pum. So I broke of my nail and gave it to him and he said, ‘this isn’t pum-pum. It doesn’t look anything like him.’

Until next time,

Throw your nails in the trash like a decent human or train your kids about human waste.