Kids, Listen!

I will do anything to get my kids to listen to me… anything.

The other day I was with my middle son, Nicholas, and I was trying to get our oldest son, Vincent, to listen to me. And this is how it went…

‘Vincent, get your shoes on!’ -me

<silence>

‘Vincent, get your shoes on!’ -me

<silence>

…in a deep Godlike voice…

‘Vincent, this is God…’ -me

‘And his sidekick, Jesus… put on your shoes…’ -Nicholas

Until next time,

The Holy Spirit is my home slice.

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Getting Bullied

So I have a fucking bully.

She is pretty much a bitch and is always talking about me. She has said the following:

1) I am a horrible mom/wife/teacher.

2) I am fat and ugly.

3) I am worthless and stupid.

4) I have done nothing productive with my life.

5) I should go kill myself because I don’t matter to anyone.

You name it and she has said it. And what hurts the most is that this is someone that I thought I knew. Someone I thought I could depend on but in all honesty, she is a fucking bitch and I don’t know how to get rid of her.

She comes around often and she is constantly saying these mean and horrible things to me and the worst part is that I believe it.

If this was one of my friends telling me this same story, I would tell them to just get rid of this person and cut them out of their life. But hey, easier said than done, right?

We all have that one person that is impossible to get rid of. I always have good intentions that I will talk to her, sit her down and be honest with how much she is fucking hurting me but I never do.

I guess I am stuck and don’t know how to get out. I even tried to talk myself through a mock conversation in the mirror. But see, she was there, looking straight at me.

I’m the bully and I hate myself with so much anger and force that it hurts to be in my own skin.

If only someone would understand.

The pain is so awful that hurting myself feels like the only way out. It is the only way I could be away from her forever and she could never hurt me again.

Until next time,

The victim

May is Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month. Let Me Educate You.

May is Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month and I thought that now was the time to open up and bare it all- I don’t have anything to lose.

I feel like this blog is important to write because it will give you insight on my disorder and perhaps make you aware of the issues that I deal with every minute of every day.

I know what you are thinking, ‘it can’t always be like this,’ and you are partially right. However, know this, my mind and my actions drift through this disorder like a ship during a hurricane with a side of tsunami. The only way I make it safely to land is through hard work, skills and my amazing therapist. I practice DBT Skills every day. DBT stands for Dialectical Behavior Therapy. There are major skills that go into DBT in order for me to try to live the greatest life possible.

According to the Mayo Clinic, Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness has the following symptoms. I am putting the symptoms in bold, and then explaining to you how these symptom affect me.

Signs and symptoms may include:

  • An intense fear of abandonment, even going to extreme measures to avoid real or imagined separation or rejection -BPD does develop even before you are able to talk and abandonment is my biggest fear. If I feel like I screwed up in a relationship, even if it is a strong relationship like me and my husband, I automatically assume he will leave and divorce me. It’s not once and a while, it’s a fear that is ongoing in my home life but is also evident in my daily work life as well.
  • A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn’t care enough or is cruel – My most stable relationship, and one that I am forever thankful for is my husband, Joe. However, my other relationships usually end on a bad note, either I get too clingy or I get scared and push away. Either way, the outcome is usually the same which is that the relationship ended on bad terms.
  • Rapid changes in self-identity and self-image that include shifting goals and values, and seeing yourself as bad or as if you don’t exist at all -This is something that I fight with everyday. I view myself as an unworthy, bad person. I don’t know my own identity. I tend to take on my surroundings like a chameleon in the rainforest. The rainforest is the world and I am a chameleon that doesn’t know what color to be because I just want to fit in. I don’t feel like I even fit in with myself.
  • Periods of stress-related paranoia and loss of contact with reality, lasting from a few minutes to a few hours -I catastrophize every and all situations. If Joe goes to work, I think he will die in the 1.2 mile car ride there. To give a more extreme example is that I also have PTSD from an active shooter drill that my school made us participate in in 2013. It has been five years since that drill but everyday I kiss my own kids goodbye, for what I think will be the last time, because I think they will die at their school. When I would walk into my school I would take a big breath in thinking that this would indeed be my last day. Part of that is the paranoia and a giant part of it is the PTSD but either way, it gives you a glimpse into how I think.
  • Impulsive and risky behavior, such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship -So, yeah, I drive recklessly especially when I am angry. I pray to God that another driver will kill me in the process because I don’t have the guts to do it on my own and I don’t think I am worthy enough to live. However, I am aware enough not to do this with my kids in the car because I love them too much. I also enjoy drinking, sometimes in excess. And it’s not because I like to be wasted but I use this as a coping mechanism. I use it as an escape. I need to escape and this is how I do it. Luckily, in this category I only have those two things. I am fortunate enough that I made the decision to only have one partner. I was a virgin when I got married and that was a conscious and religious choice and I am glad I followed through because that is something I am proud of. I don’t gamble because teachers don’t have money. I have never even tried drugs and never had the desire to so that’s out. I do spend money but not to excess and if you checked out this body, you would see that I like binge eating.
  • Suicidal threats or behavior or self-injury, often in response to fear of separation or rejection -This is a sensitive subject for anyone but one that still needs to be talked about despite the uncomfortableness of the subject. I do a lot of things that fall under self-harm. It’s not that I necessarily want to die, it’s that the pain inside me is so severe that self-harming is a way to feel. It’s hard to explain but it’s like feeling like I am dead inside already and I do it to feel any type of life within me. Last year, I got a tattoo on my wrist to remind me to Just Breathe. It’s a way to help me drop that pill bottle when the pain gets to overwhelming and the demons in my head tell me that I am not good enough anyway. (The demons are metaphorical… I don’t actually hear voices. )
  • Wide mood swings lasting from a few hours to a few days, which can include intense happiness, irritability, shame or anxiety -Yes, I am all of these things. I could be in the best mood and something will trigger something so deep within me that I snap into a whirlwind of other emotions. I have many triggers but to give you an idea of how quickly, and what you would think is so minor, something can set me off, is actually being called stupid. When I was younger, I wasn’t good at school, not because I didn’t try but because I was labeled as stupid. I was taught that I would never be smart, especially at math or science and that’s how I grew up, with a label so simple and so hurtful as, stupid. And that word sends me into a blind rage.
  • Ongoing feelings of emptiness-I am basically Swiss cheese. I have so many holes that are empty and they long to be filled and I am just not able to fill them on my own. I tend to look towards others to understand and to realize if I am worthy enough. And even if that validation is given to me, the moment and the feeling is fleeting and the hole returns. I have to learn to fill it for myself which is what therapy is for and why I depend on such an amazing therapist. She helps me to fill in my holes with love and validation and I can depend on her.
  • Inappropriate, intense anger, such as frequently losing your temper, being sarcastic or bitter, or having physical fights -Well, you all know I am sarcastic if you read my blogs or if you know me in real life. A lot of people say that they can’t take me seriously because of my sarcasm but what regular people don’t know is that my sarcasm is my defense mechanism. I need to beat you to the proverbial punch in the face. I insult myself before you have a chance. Then onto anger, I am angry person. I rage. I throw things and if I am really mad I will leave the house just to keep myself from raging in front of my family. Don’t worry, Joe is with the kids. But I don’t want to be that person and because of my intense therapy, I have become so much better. My levels of rage have diminished and I am like a new person. I can’t thank my therapist enough.

I want to thank you for reading about me and for taking the time to educate yourself. I am not a crazy person but a person who has a deep fear of abandonment and emptiness. It will take a lifetime of healing and patience but I am in this for life. I can’t give up now because I want to see tomorrow.

Until next time,

Allison

If you are suffering and are thinking about harming yourself, please call the suicide hotline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

All information was from: http://www.mayoclinic.org.

The Reality of Mother’s Day.

1) I woke up at 7am to a little body sharing my bed and stealing the whole bed.

2) It must have been because last night, the kids slept in the tent. When Nicholas woke me up today, he said he couldn’t sleep in the tent because there was sand in the tent from the beach. As I rolled around, I was covered with past grains of sand from the beach- it’s the gift that never disappears.

3) Nicholas tried to pick my boogers and then when he couldn’t find any, he picked his own boogers and threw them on my bed.

4) Nicholas kept trying to poke my breasts and kept calling them boobies. Thanks Aunt Lisa and Uncle Chris because I spent seven years using the word, ‘breast.’ And one time at your house and he is talking about boobies.

5) My kids brought me breakfast in bed and it consisted of six dry bagels, a chocolate bar, three jolly rangers, a tootsie roll and expired white milk.

6) I was still able to play referee when my children were killing each other. Man, a day without being a ref wouldn’t be a day.

7) I was able to come down stairs to two sink-fulls of dirty dishes and I couldn’t be more thrilled. Oh and as a bonus, I also was able to unload the dishwasher. And as a real good kick in the fun factor, my husband came down to ask me why I did the dishes and told me that, ‘he was going to do it later.’

8) My kids asked me for something and when I said no, they so lovingly called me dumb. Do you have a death wish kids? I brought you into this world and I can take you out. Yes, I am old enough to use this cliche.

9) You know it’s mother’s day when one child hangs on you and repeatedly asks the same question in that whiny voice. Is it really mother’s day or just another typical Sunday? Why use labels?

10) You know it’s mother’s day when your in-laws give you a beautiful potted plant that you swear, much like the last seventeen years, that you will plant. And deep down in your heart, you know that plant will perish between the gutter and the stoop. This is why I can’t have nice things.

Until next time,

Happy Sunday, err, I mean Mother’s day to all those women out there. Whether you are a mentor, a fur baby mama or a mom to small humans, you mean everything to someone. 💗

I will Burn Down your Village

Emily, my daughter, was invited to a birthday party today. She was thrilled to go, like any five year old would be! The party was at a barn and they were allowed to care for the ponies and then go on a pony ride.

While the kids were not riding, there were healthy snacks of yogurt and toppings. All the kids parents were busy helping their kids with heaps of yogurt and pieces of fruit.

As I was sitting with Emily, I overheard one mom say to a little girl, ‘is your mommy here?’ And the little girl replied ‘no she isn’t.’ And then the lady said, ‘oh, ok.’ And walked away. What the fuck?!

Now, I’m not a saint but I felt so bad for this little kid so I asked her if she wanted some yogurt and she said yes. I gave her all the toppings and then gave her seconds when she asked. I even waved to her excitedly as she rode the pony. I just wanted her to have someone to be excited with.

Fast forward, her mom shows up exactly at the end of the party… surprise, surprise. As Emily and I were leaving, I wanted to say goodbye to the little girl. She ran up to me, threw her arms around me and gave me a big hug and said ‘thank you.’

I was so happy to help because it takes a village to raise a child. And that’s when it all happened…

The little girls mom came up to me and asked if I was the one helping her daughter and I said, ‘yeah, i helped her get something to eat and made sure she had a turn on the pony.’ Then she says, ‘yeah, my daughter pointed to you and said “‘that big lady was helping me because you weren’t here.'”

Now listen lady. If your daughter called me ‘big,’ that’s fine because she is fucking five but you being older should know not to call another woman big… and not straight to my face. If I knew you, that would be different. So I made you a very petty list of what I think about you…

1) you’re not so small yourself.

2) you look like you are closer to fifty years old and yes, I am still young and in my upper thirties.

3) why would you leave a five year old with a bunch of strangers?

4) I hope your dunkin donuts coffee was worth you being the star of my blog.

5) let me know how it feels when I throw the said coffee in your face for leaving your five year old at a barn.

6) I charge $10 an hour so you owe me $15 you cheap ass.

7) I am going to get one of those horse whips and whip your ass for being an asshole.

8) I will torch your village but first remove that sweet little girl.

9) You didn’t even know your kid liked yogurt. Wtf.

10) I will legit sit on you with my giant, big-ass self, while I steal and guzzle your hot coffee. And while you are under my fat ass, I will still excitedly wave to your kid.

You better shape up before I get pissed.

Until next time,

Big mama comin’ at ya.

Your Kids Need a Figure in Their Life Who…

Not every woman is lucky enough to have a solid man in her life.

Not every man is lucky enough to have a solid woman.

And not every person is lucky enough to find a wonderful partner who can tough it out.

It doesn’t matter if you are married, single but attached or if you are gay, your child needs someone that can be that mentor, that rock, that parental figure in their lives.

I understand that not everyone can have that and as a teacher, it breaks my heart to hear students talk about their parents in not the greatest light. It makes me want to take them all home and feed them dinner or to give them a bed to sleep in; it’s hard hearing their stories.

This week, my husband, Joe, is on a business trip and I am doing the single mom thing for the week. It has given me a better appreciation for my husband but even more so for all the single parents out in the world.

Raising kids is hard. Not it can be hard… it’s fucking hard.

Everyone says that being a parent is rewarding in hugs, kisses and I love yous but sometimes you want to be paid in wine, ice cream and massages. Sometimes being a parent, I want to clock out for the day and return the next morning. Being a parent is difficult.

However, what makes a difference for me is having a solid partner that loves his kids more than anything.

Last night, the kids were driving me to drink and I forgot to call Joe so they could all say goodnight to each other. Joe understood and called to talk to me later and then this happened…

“Hey Ally? Can I ask a huge favor?’ -Joe

‘Oh God, what?’ -me

‘Can you go upstairs and put me on speaker phone so I can say goodnight to the kids? I know they are sleeping but I have never not said goodnight to them.’ -Joe

Oh my goodness, my heart melted. And I never wanted to jump my husband so much. I mean, there were tons of emotions and feelings and it just hit me… I have found someone that I can depend on and my kids have a Dad that loves them unconditionally.

So whether you are married or single or looking, just remember that when you have kids, that partner should treat you like royalty but also like your kids are part of your royal court.

Don’t settle for anything less.

Until next time,

Queen Ally and her royal court