Emily, my daughter, was invited to a birthday party today. She was thrilled to go, like any five year old would be! The party was at a barn and they were allowed to care for the ponies and then go on a pony ride.
While the kids were not riding, there were healthy snacks of yogurt and toppings. All the kids parents were busy helping their kids with heaps of yogurt and pieces of fruit.
As I was sitting with Emily, I overheard one mom say to a little girl, ‘is your mommy here?’ And the little girl replied ‘no she isn’t.’ And then the lady said, ‘oh, ok.’ And walked away. What the fuck?!
Now, I’m not a saint but I felt so bad for this little kid so I asked her if she wanted some yogurt and she said yes. I gave her all the toppings and then gave her seconds when she asked. I even waved to her excitedly as she rode the pony. I just wanted her to have someone to be excited with.
Fast forward, her mom shows up exactly at the end of the party… surprise, surprise. As Emily and I were leaving, I wanted to say goodbye to the little girl. She ran up to me, threw her arms around me and gave me a big hug and said ‘thank you.’
I was so happy to help because it takes a village to raise a child. And that’s when it all happened…
The little girls mom came up to me and asked if I was the one helping her daughter and I said, ‘yeah, i helped her get something to eat and made sure she had a turn on the pony.’ Then she says, ‘yeah, my daughter pointed to you and said “‘that big lady was helping me because you weren’t here.'”
Now listen lady. If your daughter called me ‘big,’ that’s fine because she is fucking five but you being older should know not to call another woman big… and not straight to my face. If I knew you, that would be different. So I made you a very petty list of what I think about you…
1) you’re not so small yourself.
2) you look like you are closer to fifty years old and yes, I am still young and in my upper thirties.
3) why would you leave a five year old with a bunch of strangers?
4) I hope your dunkin donuts coffee was worth you being the star of my blog.
5) let me know how it feels when I throw the said coffee in your face for leaving your five year old at a barn.
6) I charge $10 an hour so you owe me $15 you cheap ass.
7) I am going to get one of those horse whips and whip your ass for being an asshole.
8) I will torch your village but first remove that sweet little girl.
9) You didn’t even know your kid liked yogurt. Wtf.
10) I will legit sit on you with my giant, big-ass self, while I steal and guzzle your hot coffee. And while you are under my fat ass, I will still excitedly wave to your kid.
You better shape up before I get pissed.
Until next time,
Big mama comin’ at ya.