Being in the Doctor’s Office

Today I had three doctors appointment, the gynecologist, the endocrinologist and the neurologist. Here is my list of things you don’t want to hear or overhear while in any of these offices…

1. I can’t find your uterus.

2. Yup, there it is.

3. ‘Click’, ‘click,’ ‘click.’

4. So you gained 40 lbs in two years… humpf.

5. That must be where the smell is coming from.

And that was my day.

Until next time,

Always know where your uterus is hiding.

Fucking Up

This is a top ten list of things I already know or don’t want to hear when I already know that I fucked up.. 

Heeeere we go…

1. You fucked up. -no shit.

2. Why did you do that? -i don’t know.

3. What were you thinking? -clearly i wasn’t.

4. Are you stupid? -that is so helpful asshole.

5. You have to do better. -thank you for that diagnosis. 

6. Was this on purpose or subconscious? -you tell me.

7. Don’t do it again. -like ever?

8. Don’t feel that way. -ok, let me turn off my feelings.

9. Why are you feeling this way? -like I fucking know.

10. I’m mad at you. -I’m mad at me too… get in the back of the line asshole.

You know what I want to hear? -I’m sorry, I’m here for you and I support you… now stop being an asshole.

Until next time, 

It’s not that hard.

Pokémon… Dear God, Why?

So my boys are really into Pokémon and I don’t know why. Vincent all of a sudden lives and breathes the shows and the cards and I am slowly dying inside. Here are the top ten reasons why I hate Pokémon…

  1. Math… the whole game is revolved around math and how much power and how much health you have. Why can’t it just say, ‘hey, you are sick?’ Whenever they bring up the number of health that a certain Pokémon has, I start to twitch.
  2. Every time we go out, Vincent pretends he is the main character, Ash. Yes, he pretends he is Ash and he tries to catch them all. Gotta catch all the Pokémon, even if it means knocking over an old woman in the store.
  3. I can’t pronounce the names. I understand it’s Anime but once and a while, I would like a Pokémon to be called Bob.
  4. On the tv shows, Pickachu can only say his own name. No wonder Pickachu can’t evolve or fight; it’s because he is still saying his own name… how is he supposed to fight?
  5. My kids are having Pokémon wars with pillows and pretending they are powers. There has literally been blood and a lost tooth because of this game. But hey, gotta catch them all even if that means busting each other up.
  6. There is an actual card game and every time Vincent wants to battle, he wants to battle his little brother and Nicholas just cries that he has the least amount of health on his Pokémon. I feel bad for Nicholas and then, my husband, chooses to battle Nicholas who is already crying. Seriously?
  7. I feel like in the cartoon, all they do is scream at each other. Their eyes are as big as their mouths and it’s disproportionate and it’s frightening.
  8. God forbid, I tell them there is an app for that.
  9. We have literally binge watched 58 episodes of Pokémon and I can’t take it. Pichachu isn’t cute, he is disturbing and lives in a ball… conveniently called a Pokeball.
  10. Did I mention all the things I hate? Math, blood and teeth. It’s Pokémon for God’s sake. I don’t even understand the concept but it has caused blood shed amongst brothers.

Until next time,

Excuse me while I gotta catch ’em all.

The New Pen

Vincent got a new pen from the school book fair today. It’s one of the spy pens with invisible ink and it can only be seen if there is a black light shining on it.

On the way home from school he decided to draw his name on the inside of my car three times. I made him clean it up with my good friend, Clorox wipes. Anger is not a word that I would have used at this moment… he is lucky that he is still breathing.

He complained the whole time but I made that kid scrub my damn car.

Fast forward three hours and Emily steps out of the shower, and asks me to check her head. Yes, my friends, in invisible ink was her name written across her forehead glowing like the summer sky on a hot day.

Until next time,

I wonder if clorox wipes are good enough to scrub your siblings?

I Wish

Tears are seeping from my eyes and falling to my knees. They fall so much they are now touching the tops of the trees.

I wait for them to stop but they don’t; they keep seeping one by one till the earth is flooded and I am none.

On the inside I feel like nothing but so many think I am everything. They look at me and see me joke around but inside I’m broken down.

Maybe you call it self pity? Maybe it’s a disorder but I feel so messed up and their is no other order.

My mind is here. My mind is there I hope you never have to be like my mind which feels like it is everywhere.

One smell, one taste, one glance trips my memory and I am on a journey.

My journey is never here. My journey is in the past or wishing for a different future. I’m just wasting away as I cry today.

I just need a break from these thoughts. Too many to hold, too many to have.

I wish I could look at you and tell you honestly that I am fine but I am just fucked up in my mind. 

I feel like I will never get better, I will never recover, being like this will be me now and forever.

Please don’t take my word when I say I’m fine. No you don’t have to take it but you don’t need to worry because you are too kind.

Just know that behind my sarcasm and behind my laugh, there is a soul that is struggling to hang on to the present because it’s so busy in the past.

Don’t worry so much, this woman will help me. I may be with her one year or maybe three? God, could it be ten?

I can’t tell the future but I know what I am thinking, I am worried you will leave me like she did. I may be hard to handle and I know it’s not true. You would never do that to a person like me, would you?

I love you like a mom, I wish you really knew. Nothing will change because you remind me of that but I can’t get that thought out of my brain because it haunts me instead.

I wish things were different. I wish life was changed. I wish I was different. I wish I was better and I wish that I would stop wishing.

Until next time,

Allison