The Reality of Mother’s Day.

1) I woke up at 7am to a little body sharing my bed and stealing the whole bed.

2) It must have been because last night, the kids slept in the tent. When Nicholas woke me up today, he said he couldn’t sleep in the tent because there was sand in the tent from the beach. As I rolled around, I was covered with past grains of sand from the beach- it’s the gift that never disappears.

3) Nicholas tried to pick my boogers and then when he couldn’t find any, he picked his own boogers and threw them on my bed.

4) Nicholas kept trying to poke my breasts and kept calling them boobies. Thanks Aunt Lisa and Uncle Chris because I spent seven years using the word, ‘breast.’ And one time at your house and he is talking about boobies.

5) My kids brought me breakfast in bed and it consisted of six dry bagels, a chocolate bar, three jolly rangers, a tootsie roll and expired white milk.

6) I was still able to play referee when my children were killing each other. Man, a day without being a ref wouldn’t be a day.

7) I was able to come down stairs to two sink-fulls of dirty dishes and I couldn’t be more thrilled. Oh and as a bonus, I also was able to unload the dishwasher. And as a real good kick in the fun factor, my husband came down to ask me why I did the dishes and told me that, ‘he was going to do it later.’

8) My kids asked me for something and when I said no, they so lovingly called me dumb. Do you have a death wish kids? I brought you into this world and I can take you out. Yes, I am old enough to use this cliche.

9) You know it’s mother’s day when one child hangs on you and repeatedly asks the same question in that whiny voice. Is it really mother’s day or just another typical Sunday? Why use labels?

10) You know it’s mother’s day when your in-laws give you a beautiful potted plant that you swear, much like the last seventeen years, that you will plant. And deep down in your heart, you know that plant will perish between the gutter and the stoop. This is why I can’t have nice things.

Until next time,

Happy Sunday, err, I mean Mother’s day to all those women out there. Whether you are a mentor, a fur baby mama or a mom to small humans, you mean everything to someone. 💗

Advertisements

I will Burn Down your Village

Emily, my daughter, was invited to a birthday party today. She was thrilled to go, like any five year old would be! The party was at a barn and they were allowed to care for the ponies and then go on a pony ride.

While the kids were not riding, there were healthy snacks of yogurt and toppings. All the kids parents were busy helping their kids with heaps of yogurt and pieces of fruit.

As I was sitting with Emily, I overheard one mom say to a little girl, ‘is your mommy here?’ And the little girl replied ‘no she isn’t.’ And then the lady said, ‘oh, ok.’ And walked away. What the fuck?!

Now, I’m not a saint but I felt so bad for this little kid so I asked her if she wanted some yogurt and she said yes. I gave her all the toppings and then gave her seconds when she asked. I even waved to her excitedly as she rode the pony. I just wanted her to have someone to be excited with.

Fast forward, her mom shows up exactly at the end of the party… surprise, surprise. As Emily and I were leaving, I wanted to say goodbye to the little girl. She ran up to me, threw her arms around me and gave me a big hug and said ‘thank you.’

I was so happy to help because it takes a village to raise a child. And that’s when it all happened…

The little girls mom came up to me and asked if I was the one helping her daughter and I said, ‘yeah, i helped her get something to eat and made sure she had a turn on the pony.’ Then she says, ‘yeah, my daughter pointed to you and said “‘that big lady was helping me because you weren’t here.'”

Now listen lady. If your daughter called me ‘big,’ that’s fine because she is fucking five but you being older should know not to call another woman big… and not straight to my face. If I knew you, that would be different. So I made you a very petty list of what I think about you…

1) you’re not so small yourself.

2) you look like you are closer to fifty years old and yes, I am still young and in my upper thirties.

3) why would you leave a five year old with a bunch of strangers?

4) I hope your dunkin donuts coffee was worth you being the star of my blog.

5) let me know how it feels when I throw the said coffee in your face for leaving your five year old at a barn.

6) I charge $10 an hour so you owe me $15 you cheap ass.

7) I am going to get one of those horse whips and whip your ass for being an asshole.

8) I will torch your village but first remove that sweet little girl.

9) You didn’t even know your kid liked yogurt. Wtf.

10) I will legit sit on you with my giant, big-ass self, while I steal and guzzle your hot coffee. And while you are under my fat ass, I will still excitedly wave to your kid.

You better shape up before I get pissed.

Until next time,

Big mama comin’ at ya.

Your Kids Need a Figure in Their Life Who…

Not every woman is lucky enough to have a solid man in her life.

Not every man is lucky enough to have a solid woman.

And not every person is lucky enough to find a wonderful partner who can tough it out.

It doesn’t matter if you are married, single but attached or if you are gay, your child needs someone that can be that mentor, that rock, that parental figure in their lives.

I understand that not everyone can have that and as a teacher, it breaks my heart to hear students talk about their parents in not the greatest light. It makes me want to take them all home and feed them dinner or to give them a bed to sleep in; it’s hard hearing their stories.

This week, my husband, Joe, is on a business trip and I am doing the single mom thing for the week. It has given me a better appreciation for my husband but even more so for all the single parents out in the world.

Raising kids is hard. Not it can be hard… it’s fucking hard.

Everyone says that being a parent is rewarding in hugs, kisses and I love yous but sometimes you want to be paid in wine, ice cream and massages. Sometimes being a parent, I want to clock out for the day and return the next morning. Being a parent is difficult.

However, what makes a difference for me is having a solid partner that loves his kids more than anything.

Last night, the kids were driving me to drink and I forgot to call Joe so they could all say goodnight to each other. Joe understood and called to talk to me later and then this happened…

“Hey Ally? Can I ask a huge favor?’ -Joe

‘Oh God, what?’ -me

‘Can you go upstairs and put me on speaker phone so I can say goodnight to the kids? I know they are sleeping but I have never not said goodnight to them.’ -Joe

Oh my goodness, my heart melted. And I never wanted to jump my husband so much. I mean, there were tons of emotions and feelings and it just hit me… I have found someone that I can depend on and my kids have a Dad that loves them unconditionally.

So whether you are married or single or looking, just remember that when you have kids, that partner should treat you like royalty but also like your kids are part of your royal court.

Don’t settle for anything less.

Until next time,

Queen Ally and her royal court

Consonant, Vowel, Consonant.

Every week, Nicholas has to do a blind sort where he writes down the words for the week and sorts them by the pattern of vowels and consonants. This was tonight’s blind sort staring me:

‘Ok Nicholas, boat. I am riding on a boat…’ -me

‘Ok.’ -Nicholas

‘Next word, box… I put the present in the box.’ -me

‘Ok.’ -Nicholas

‘Ok, drop. Like, ‘drop it like it’s hot.'” -me

Yeah, I totally drew a blank. Nothing says hip and with it like a 1st graders spelling homework.

Until next time,

Gangsters Paradise.’ Like everyday I go to work, I feel like I am in Gangsters Paradise.'”

Dating When You are Married in Your Late Thirties

Dating after you have kids is always challenging. There is juggling life and then trying to fit in a date here and there to remember why you fell in love. There is the whole hurdle of finding a babysitter that is good to your kids and then shelling out the extra cash just for a hot date that is going to end around 11 pm if you are lucky.

So how do you know if you are dating in your late thirties?

Let me take you there with my experience on this past Friday night at 8:30pm:

1) When we went out on Friday night we could barely keep our eyes open. When I checked the time, it was nearly 9 pm.

2) While at dinner my husband, Joe, kept looking at the ceiling. Finally after the third go around, he looks at me and says, ‘do you see that light? It just keeps flickering.’ Yeah, this conversation is enough to turn anyone on.

3) I asked Joe at 9:30pm if he wanted to go to a bar that all these college people were lined up for but he didn’t want to go. His excuse was that it was too cold to stand in line and wait.

4) As we are passing the college students in downtown, this girl with a sequence mini pair of shorts walked passed us. I think I saw her vag with every step she was taking and before I knew it, I was saying those dreaded words… ‘does your mother know you are wearing that?’

5) After Joe didn’t want to go to the bar to hang out, we decided to hit up the local Acme grocery store for some much needed bbq sauce and tomato sauce. Yes, we made it rain in aisle five picking up our favorite sauces.

6) As we are leaving, I passed by the ice cream section and any girl knows when you have a bad day, you just want some Ben and Jerry’s. Instead of supporting my choices, Joe complained about the prices of ice cream and I left empty handed.

7) I knew it was a true date when Joe politely opened up my door… in the middle of the Acme parking lot. Oh baby, oh baby.

8) Nothing says the date is over like complaining about dry contacts. Because really, that is the secret code for, ‘get me home and into bed.’

9) When I finally got home, I realized my most favorite part of the night was taking off my bra.

10) You know you are old when you have done the following in one night, went out to eat, shopped for sauces, got take out milkshakes as a compromise and were still home by 11pm.

This is Me

So I recently found out that people were making fun of me behind my back. No surprise there because I put my whole life online and into this blog. And to be honest, we all talk about each other- it just happens. We vent, we get frustrated, we need an outlet and I understand that.

Seriously, it’s not that I don’t expect to get made fun of- believe me, I know I am the following: a sarcastic bitch, fat and a hot mess… emphasis on the hot.

And I am not necessarily ashamed of any of it. Maybe I am ashamed of the fat part but that’s only because my muffin top has it’s own zip code and earned it’s drivers license.

But either way, I am not ashamed of who I am because frankly, I have come so far from where I was. I know I am all those things and more and I am sure people talk about me. However, what is aggravating is being made fun of for my emotions and my mental state.

I’m fine if we are talking in jest and you are burning me with jokes left and right but I am not fine with you making fun of me for battling something you know nothing about. I have many scars and those scars make me who I am today.

I love lists… perhaps I am a Borderline that has a heaping, steamy side of OCD. Who knows but here is my list of why you shouldn’t make fun of people with mental illness:

1) Do you truly know my mental state? I could look happy one minute and then in the next instance, look like I am plotting your demise and your children’s children demise the next… or I could just have gas and that’s just the way my face looks.

2) Sometimes I am so depressed that I don’t shower. If you piss me off, maybe I won’t shower and hang out with you more often but I will also stick around and not shower long enough to disgust your children’s children. Smelly people burn the nose hairs.

3) When I cry with all of my emotions, I am going to wipe my boogers all over your personal items and the faces of your children’s children.

4) This has nothing to do with my mental illness but as a bonus, I am going to fart in your vicinity and crop dust you and your children’s children.

5) I will not trust you. And maybe that doesn’t matter to you but in my world there is a circle of trust. If you aren’t in my circle, then you are dead to me and so is your children’s children.

6) I am literally going to lick everything you own. Including the faces of your children’s children.

7) I will put on a dark over coat and then, in the dead of night, I will dig a hole. It could be for you and your children’s children. I would line it with cement and gift you… a brand new swimming pool! Geez, I am not that type of psycho. No, it’s not a grave… just bring your swimmies.

8) I like chicken. Maybe I will eat it and build the left over bones back into the chicken carcass for you and your children’s children. I will hide them in different places you frequent. Not because I am psycho but because I like sculpting.

9) I will bring you Twinkies. They will still be good when your children’s children are able to eat them because Twinkies never die. I will offer them to you as a peace offering… but should you eat it? Well, yeah, it’s a Twinkie.

10) I will tell you that you are a gorgeous person and so are your children’s children but should you believe me? Of course because I am not a douche and I tell people how I feel to their face.

And even though these people talked about me and made fun of my mental state, doesn’t mean I hate them. It means that they need to be more educated on what it’s like to be an emotional person and more particularly a person who is battling Borderline Personality Disorder.

Not everyone will get it and not everyone will understand but that is why I write and talk about my struggles openly.

Until next time,

This is me

My Triumphs and My Big, Fat Failures as a Parent

So today was Sunday and that can only mean three things: Sunday School, Mass and cleaning the house.

Today is a list of triumphs and failures and this list was just from today. Pay attention and maybe you will feel better after reading about my Sunday.

1) My biggest joy and triumph was my awesome husband. He woke me up this morning and instead of killing him, he lovingly asked if I wanted to turn off his Sunday alarm. Yes people, today was the kids last day of Sunday school for the year!

➡Triumph because now I can sleep in again.

2) And as quickly as I celebrated, my husband turned around and said, ‘yeah, but there goes an hour and a half of free babysitting.’

➡ A sad failure and realization that my kids are all mine every Sunday until the fall.

3) Joe realized we didn’t get the kids Sunday school teachers a thank you gift so I was going to pick one up before I picked up my kids in the late morning. As I am driving them to Sunday school, I realized that I don’t know any of their teachers names. There are six teachers and I couldn’t even tell you a ‘it sounds like.’

➡Parental failure that you hope your kids will never inherit from you.

4) I thought I would just ask the kids who their teachers were so I could write their names on the cards. Emily and Vincent knew all their teachers and then Nicholas was like… yeah, I have no idea.

➡Damn, he picked up my parental fail from number 3 real quick.

5) As I am leaving Sunday school, I am high fiving other parents that I don’t know and I am screaming how this is the best day ever while in the church parking lot.

➡I look at this as a parental win because I made other parents feel good. However, they reluctantly high fived me and I wonder if it was the lack of babysitting thing or the fact that I looked like a psycho.

6) Usually all three kids are crazy at mass and all I want them to do is to pay attention. Today, two our of the three fell asleep on me. Why is everything so black and white? Why can’t we just have a low key mass where no one is playing with human nails or snoring on me?

➡Parental win. At least they were quiet and not crawling with disease this week. (Read Church Escapades: the Lost Files, if you are confused.)

7) We are doing spring cleaning and I decided to knock down a wasps nest in the middle of the day. I wanted to get it down but I was also fearing death. Emily was with me and I told her to get ready to outrun the wasps, you know, just in case.

➡Parenting win because I told her to put down the pruning sheers before she had to outrun the wasps. Safety first.

8) We are having a party for Vincent next weekend and I am supposed to make bbq pulled chicken. I went to put the chicken in the crockpot only to realize that we didn’t have any bbq sauce. Being lazy, I didn’t want to go to the store so I just pulled out all our McDonald’s sauces. There is bbq, sweet and sour and szechuan sauce on my chicken. If anyone asks, I am calling it the McDonald’s special.

➡A resourceful parenting win if you ask me.

9) I took Emily and Nicholas out for new shoes because their shoes are getting too small. Emily kept saying that she wanted Sketchers. I assumed it was because Nicholas already has Sketchers and then we are leaving the store empty handed and Emily says, ‘man, I really want Sketchers because of the memory foam.’

‘Uhh, where did you hear that?’ -me

‘Oh, I heard it on tv.’ -Emily

➡Clearly a parenting win because she already knows what she wants and the tv is doing a good job babysitting my children and the tv costs nothing to watch my kids.

10) Vincent was upset he wasn’t getting new shoes and I told him that I was going to let him pick dinner and I would get him some Chinese food. He was so excited!

➡Parenting win because Joe and I decided we wanted Chinese an hour before and Vincent thinks it was his choice.

Until next time,

➡Always remember that life is full of triumphs and failures and we never know who is having what type of day. Always high five that stranger and act psycho in that parking lot. Maybe you will make someone’s day a little brighter.

🎵The more you know...🎵