Bigfoots Sighting in Delaware

Vincent and I were coming home from school and this is our legit conversation:

“Mommy? Do we live in a city or town?” -Vincent
“We live in the city.” -me

Then the kid breaks down into sobs. Like real tears and I am at a stop lighting thinking what the hell? Our city isn’t that bad. Meanwhile, I am trying to see why he is crying but he sits right behind me so I have to contort my body in ways that are only familiar to a lady of the night.

“Oh my God! They’re coming to get me! They’re coming to the city!” -Vincent

He’s Italian so I am thinking it’s the Godfather shit or something like that.

“Vincent. Calm down. Who is coming to get you?!” -me
“The vampires. They are supposed to come on January 8, 2013.” -Vincent

What. The. Hell. Is. Happening?

“OK buddy. That date was two years ago. Vampires aren’t comimg. They would already be here.” -me
“Oh God!” -Vincent
“Vincent vampires aren’t real.” -me
“But Gabe in my class said they were!” -Vincent
“Ok. Well he is six and I’m thirty-six so…?” -me
“Well, he knows. You need to call his house! You need to talk to his mom! You need to talk to Gabe!” -Vincent
“Okay, well first off, I’m not calling because I don’t think they would appreciate a thirty-six year old calling a six-year old to tell him that vampires are not real. And I would probably go to jail so…” -me
“Well, what about chupacabras; are they real?”
“God no Vincent.” -me
“What about bigfoots? They’re real because Gabe said he saw bigfoots and a chupacabra.” -Vincent
“First of all, it’s Bigfoot. And no.” -me
“Well, when there is more than one it’s bigfoots.” -Vincent

Yup… I didn’t have an answer for that justification but I did have a crazy ass contortion at each red light and a muscle spasm.

Knowledge is power and I am super thankful that Vincent’s school library had a book on momsters. And that he is learning grammar.

Until next time,



Counting Down

I have written openly about my depression randomly in some of my blogs. I have had many people reaching out to me in personal messages or when I am out thanking me for my honesty because they are struggling too. So I decided that once a week, I will be open and honest about my week- maybe it can help someone; maybe it can help you? But I’m not going to lie, sometimes I will still be a sarcastic smart ass.

So this week started out rough and I want to explain what it’s like to be in my head. Usually, life just comes and goes. I usually feel like I am in a movie watching myself making decisions and living life. I am always going through the motions but never really ‘feeling.’ I think the only thing I do feel is extreme happiness and extreme anger. There is never anything in between.

Let me explain my anger. I am like a dormant volcano- I look calm from the outside but inside I feel like I am constantly bubbling under the surface. One little thing can set me off to a number ten on the scale and I can’t seem to get down again to a normal level.

Sometimes I feel like I am on this carousel and I am riding one of those damn, colorful horses. I am spinning around and around and the same crap is happening. I can see it coming… whizzing past me in blurs of color. It is just all the same… my brain and my negative tape never shuts off. I am getting sick from the ride and I am waiting for the lanky teenager to get me off the damn horse but instead of a teenager running the ride, I just see myself. With each pass, I just keep waiting for me to stop my own ride but it seems impossible.

So I decided a couple years ago that I would try to make the ride stop… spinning in circles makes me physically sick anyway and thus began my weekly therapy sessions. And I am going to be honest… weekly isn’t enough. Sometimes I still need to reach out to my therapist during the week and I am lucky enough to have a therapist that always makes herself available.

So being angry in a world where people are usually calm blows. People always tell you to ‘just decide to be happy’ and I want to tell them ‘to just decide not to be an idiot.’

And then there is my extreme happiness. I have a loving husband and three beautiful, crazy kids. And even though my kids drive me to drink on some days, sometimes they say things that just hit me.

Last night, Vincent came into our room crying. When I woke up to see what was wrong, he started to cry harder and said ‘mommy, I don’t want to grow up. I want to stay little and be with you forever.’ Well, let’s just say I pulled that little six year old into our bed and cuddled him until he fell asleep and I was able to steal back my pillow.

Then I realized that I have a lot of times, like most parents I’m sure, where I wish away time. Counting down the moments till bedtime, counting down the time till I can be alone, counting down life. Everyone says you shouldn’t waste your days away and they are right but sometimes that is unrealistic.

I never want to be unrealistic and live in a world of extreme happiness but I also don’t want to be that angry dormant volcano either. So where should I fall?

I will fall wherever on a day to day basis. I will never wake up and just ‘decide’ to be happy. I will work my ass off to try to be happy and I will try not to count down the minutes.

And I never want my kids to grow up… they are cute the way they are and they give me good writing material.

Until next time,

A mom who is struggling

Is this Normal?

Tonight I finally realized the moment that I needed a timeout from my children. The moment was when my eye started twitching when my kids were crying, or talking or blinking.

Sometimes you just need to drink alcohol and let your eyes twitch and hope no one sees you.

Until then,

I will be drinking in a dark corner

Let’s Pull Out Our Bow and Arrows

I am competitive but I didn’t realize how much my competitiveness has rubbed off on my children until Friday.
I picked up Vincent at his after school program and when he approached me at the door he looked really upset.

So I asked him what was wrong and he looked up at me with his little puppy dog, brown eyes and says ‘my friends are being mean to me.’

Vincent told me that his friends were teasing him and he was getting progressively more angry. I tried to calm him down and then found out that he was called out of some game on his first turn.

I took this as a teachable moment and I told Vincent that he can’t win all the time- which is a bold face lie because I want to win all the time. (Refer to the blog titled ‘My name is Allison and I am a Pathological Liar’ for more insight)

Vincent told me that he didn’t care because he was really mad at everybody because they said ‘he was out.’ I know what you are thinking… kids can be so harsh. Wth Vincent?

As we were leaving the school Vincent said that he wished he had a bow and arrow so he could shoot them.

So cool my son wants to kill people with an imaginary bow and arrow and loudly yelled this in a public school setting and therefore I am going to need some bail money for my son.

Yours truly,

I am a winner and you are a loser

The Difference is that I Kill Plants

Gardening. It sounds like a bad word. Dirt and weeding and watering and caring. I just can’t do it when I get a plant. I always feel bad when people give me potted plants because I know deep down that they will be dead in a few days.

So naturally, I am happy that we have raised kids this long. I’m glad I grew them in my enormous stomach and now I am responsible for watering, feeding and caring for this tiny person. I am so proud that our children are happy and healthy and then yesterday,  I figured out why…

The whole family was late getting home from school and work and dinner was later than normal. At one point, Emily started crying that she was staaarving and laid on the floor crying. Then she started freaking out saying that she couldn’t see and that it was so dark and we still had not eaten yet. The kid was throwing a fit. Just then, Joe bent down and said ‘Emily, you have on sunglasses.’

So crisis diverted till dinner is finished. But two minutes later, she is crying again that she is staaarving. Then it got silent. A few seconds later, she came into the kitchen with a giant apple which she washed herself in the bathroom sink.

So although I am proud that I have kept my kids alive, I am not so sure that yesterday was the best evidence for this. Thank God they can get their own food… I finally realized that all my potted plants starve to death.

Until next time,