Wait. Is Silence Included in the Entrance Fee?

Today, the art teachers and I are at the Philadelphia Art Museum working on a museum trip for our students.

It cost us $20 each to get in here and there is a ton of information. I pursued all the information I could on the art museum photographers and then I left my colleagues behind and went to the photography exhibit.

And then I had to pee. The bathroom is on the lower level and I had to venture off to the bathroom alone.

It was like a bad movie. I cautiously descended the stairs… alone. And as I got closer to the bathroom, a rush of cold air hit my face. I pushed open the heavy bathroom door and sat on a very cold toliet.

As I sat there and listened to the tinkle of my pee, I realized I was alone in the basement of the art museum. Then I just sat there. I sat on the toliet for a good seven minutes. And then it hit me… I spent $20 to pee and sit in silence and it was worth every second.

So thank you Philadelphia Art Museum for allowing me to pee and not having the curators knocking on the stall door to let them in or to sit on my lap while I relieved my bladder.

It’s been a great professional development day full of information and silent peeing.

Yours truly,

A woman with a relieved bladder and a cold ass

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Let’s Drink 20 oz of Sprite!

Here are the highlights of bedtime:

1) I may or may not have given Vincent 20 oz of Sprite. The kid has already been diagnosed with ADHD… so… yeah Sprite was helpful.

2) Nicholas fingered my ear and I think he punctured my brain. I didn’t have math and science skills anyway but he definitely poked out short term memory.

3) Emily wanted to put on chapstick and I told her to bring it to me so I could help her. She brought it to me slowly because her pants were down around her ankles.

Is it possible to take the pants off to give yourself more freedom? Emily, maybe you would be more agile and we could go to bed faster?

4) I think it’s super sweet when your child whispers into your ear. You always wait for the I love you moment but Nicholas leaned in and said ‘mommy. I like blood.’ W.T.H.

5) Vincent had 20 oz of Sprite… just wanted to mention that again and he decided that it was best to tackle everyone. He drop kicked Nicholas.

6) Nicholas went to get dressed but thought it would be better to stick his butt in his brother’s face. He usually farts which is awkward because everyone’s mouth is usually open.

7) Emily told us she had to brush her hair. I took this as a teachable moment to show her how to flip her hair and tell everyone she is ‘fabulous and smart.’

8) We played poker tonight, like every night. I looked at Emily and she was bending a 6 of hearts over her ‘my little pony.’ I think she was using the card as a cape.

Umm hello? The pony has wings… it doesn’t need a cape. I’m just making an observation.

9) I sang Emily ‘twinkle, twinkle little star’ and she pulled her eye lids down and said… ‘see my blood?’ Seriously. What is up with the blood in this family? Are we vampires? It does explain why they never sleep.

10) Emily had a nightmare. She was in bed for approximately three minutes. Apparently, Elsa and Anna were standing at the end of her bed staring at her.

Ok… I’m confused. Isn’t this every little girls dream? I would have put on a scarf and asked her to build me a damn snowman.

So yes. You are all over there snuggling in your blanket and watching Thursday night football… we are trying to survive farts, drop kicks and the invasion of Frozen characters because are kids are crazy.

Until next time,

Olaf

Wait. Am I Dying?

You know how they say that right before you die, your whole life flashes before your eyes?

Ok… let me tell you a story.

Today I was driving Vincent into school and we were talking about his favorite music. As we were driving over the bridge, Vincent goes… “hey mommy. I want to tell you something but close your eyes first.”

And yes, everyone. I was the asshole that shut my eyes, while driving on a bridge, over the canal. It was a split second and I saw the light.

Holy crap. I am an idiot.

Until next time… if I survive,

The asshole

Extra Special

Yesterday we ordered from a Mexican place and all the burritos and tacos come with stickers so you know which burrito is which. You know, the chicken sticker is yellow, beef is green, etc… who cares.

Well, one of the kids put a sticker on Joe without him knowing. Joe went out to BJ’s, a local ‘let’s buy all this stuff in bulk’ store because I need 64 Oz of ketchup. Either way, he comes home and I peel off his sticker… yes, he went to BJ’s with the sticker that said ‘extra special.’

Well played kids. Well played.

Until next time,

A wife who is still laughing

Sundays… Broken and Naked

Here’s a synopsis of the afternoon:

1) Emily wanted to try pedaling her tricycle. She finally started pedaling and then decided it was easier to walk the bike instead.

2) Nicholas tried to catch a ball but instead it hit him right in the eye… then his glove poked him in the eye.

3) The kids decided to pick up the leaves. Awesome… way to get the leaf pick up started. Thanks for putting them all on the porch.

4) Emily cried over…wait for it… everything. Enough said.

5) Vincent decided he was running away and finding a new house. He had a plan that he would sneak food out of some random person’s fridge, come back to our house for money and decided to take a ball with him so he had something to play with. Well thought out plan.

6)Emily cried because she couldn’t grab her brother’s butts… long story.

7) Nicholas started talking into my stomach and asked if anyone was in there… there better not be anyone in there.

8) Emily cried at the top of the stairs because her leg was broken. When I got up there she was rolling around on the floor saying she was broken but she also didn’t have on any underwear. I don’t understand how that all happened.

9) I went upstairs to give the kids baths and the boys rearranged all of their furniture and I just don’t care.

10) I day drank.

Sundays are crazy.

Lots of love,

The day drinker with broken children

Young Love

Vincent has been begging to see a friend that he went to kindergarten with. He has begged me to see her like everyday because he ‘loves her.’

So my husband and I figured out how to reach out to her mom and asked for a play date.

The kids played and as we were leaving Vincent and I were talking…

“Hey mommy. She kissed me.” -Vincent   “oh yeah? Where did she kiss you?” -me
“Like everywhere.” -Vincent

….yeah…. let me rephrase that….

“Like everywhere where you were playing?” -me
“Yup. She kissed me right on the lips and we kiss in secret where no one can see us.” -Vincent
“Well, you can’t kiss till you’re married.” -me
“Yeah well… she is my girlfriend.” -Vincent
“What did you do when she kissed you?” -me
“I wiped it off! Eww!” -Vincent

Yup. Typical guy.

Is it too early to pack his things so they can get married? I think he finally found another woman to get him milk and juice and although I will miss him, that is one less cup to wash.

Young love is weird and it isn’t always black and white. Sometimes you have to hook up in crazy places to keep that 1st grade romance going.

Until next time,

A mom that is currently packing a lot of superhero shirts

Epic Parenting

How you know you are an ‘Epic Parent.’

1) your daughter asks you to play with her. She hands you a toy dog leash and says… “can you walk me?” And you proceed to walk your daughter around the house while she sniffs for “squirrel poop.”

2)your son asks you to play “zombies” and you have to kill other zombies and eat their brains.

3)your other son asks you to play army men with those toy army soliders. He takes one shot… “pop!” And tells you that he killed all of your men because he has the “goodest army.” 

It takes you more time to set up the damn army men then to play ‘army men’ and then “pop!” He states he is still the ‘goodest army.’ You can start to feel your blood boil because you are competitive and you want to win. Then you realize you are playing fake army men with a four year old.

4)one of the kids asks for a snack and candy falls all over the floor. It’s like a freaking pinata broke at a party but no one got hit in the nuts trying to open the damn thing.

There are skittles and m&m’s all over the floor. The kids start eating them because they are trying to help you ‘clean.’ Then you look around, and start to help ‘clean’ too. Then you realize the saddest part isn’t that you are currently eating dirt with your children, it’s that you just ate a skittles and an m&m at the same time and your taste buds are confused.

5) you didn’t hurl your child through a wall when he said ‘ hey big fella.’ Then he pushed on your stomach and watched himself disappear into your muffin top. You now know that he has been doing this so frequently that this is going to be one of those stories they bring up around the table during the holidays. ‘…. hey! Remember when we were kids and we would hide in mom’s muffin top?… yeah, those were the days….’

So you see blog followers… we have mastered epic parenting. If you aren’t doing it this way, then you just aren’t doing it right.

The dull parents are obviously black and white but the epic ones have a little crazy in them.

Until next time,

Big fella