WTF? Your Personal Bubble?

Tonight we went out for Joe’s birthday dinner. Towards the end of dinner, I had my arm around Emily and she looks up at me and says ‘hey mommy, you are breaking my personal bubble.’

Your personal bubble? Your bubble? Are you serious right now? Let me tell you a list of reasons that you kids have destroyed my bubble, for the last six years.

1) I can never go to the bathroom by myself.
2) in order to take a crap, I have to have someone on my lap.
3) once you kids, as an army, have gained access to the bathroom, I have been asked why I don’t have a penis, why does my stomach look like that and why I have to wipe my vagine. Yeah… I call it a vagine.
4) if I sit on the floor, someone is sitting on my head.
5) if I am sitting on the floor someone is farting in my mouth
6) if I walk, you are grabbing my tent sized shirt and I am literally pulling you across the floor.
7) when I make you dinner, you are grabbing my legs and sliding with me across the floor. And with your mighty force, you make me walk you around the kitchen because you think my body is a fun house.
8) you wake me up by poking my face.
9) you wake me up to tell me that you have to go to the bathroom.
10) you hand me your boogers at 3am.
11) you play my boobs like they are a set of drums.
12) you hide in my muffin top.
13) you test the laws of physics when you hit my stomach and watch the ripple effect of my fat.
14) you eat all my food when we have the same damn thing.
15) you have stuck your finger in my ear, mouth, eyes and nose.
16) you have tried to feed me your boogers.
17) you have tried to feed me my boogers.
18) you tell me to look at you and when I do, I unexpectedly get to see your junk because you are molding it much like silly putty.
19) you tell me to look at you and when I do, I unexpectedly get to see that you are bent over showing me your butt hole and from there, I can see your brain.
20) you make me smell your feet.
21) you have given me your toe jam.
22) you stick your finger inside my belly button when we are in public.
23) you call my boobs pears in public.
24) you open up my eyes when I am sleeping so you can see my blood.
25) you stroke my face ever so sweetly and then asked if I shaved this morning.

So listen. Don’t talk to me about personal bubbles because mine has been missing for six years. My bubble has been poked, and tortured.

So I will put my arm around you and you will like it. But later I am giving you a wet willy.

Yours truly,

The mom looking for a bubble on Ebay or at the bottom of a wine glass.

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Because I Want to…

And this is what I am talking about. You produce this tiny army and they work against you.

Nicholas just took all the food he could reach out of the pantry and lined it up. When I asked him why he was doing this his answer was ‘because I want to.’

His answer should have been ‘because I want to make you freaking crazy.’ And now he rearranged the whole damn cabinet. Why is the freaking jelly with the goddamn chicken broth?!

I’m out. This is madness.

Yours truly,

OCD’er.

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You Are Getting Ready for a Hot Date…

Has this ever happened to you?

You are getting ready for a hot date with your husband and you realize that your eyebrows are out of control. So much so, that your eyebrows have their own zip code.

So in order to get ready fast you decide to use your husbands beard trimmer to clean up those hairy caterpillars. And as you are trimming up those eyebrows you realize nothing is getting trimmed and then it happens… you just cut off half of your eyebrow.

Soooo… yeah.

Yours truly,

The hot wife with a little less hair.

Oh God… Someone is Dying.

Life is interesting. You’re a little kid and then you’re an adult and if it suits you, you decide to have a few kids of your own.

Joe and I made a tiny army. Three little ones that are close in age and closer in friendship… sometimes.

Who knew that Joe and I would make a few tiny people that would ban together and work against us?

Let’s discuss in general some of our situations… if we are late somewhere and we have to leave immediately, one kid has their shoes on and is ready to go, the other kid has to suddenly poop and the third kid is laying on the floor dying.

One kid is ready to go, one is dying and the other one wants a toy for the car. My car is freaking toy chest… get your ass in a seatbelt.

One kid is ready to go, one is dying of thirst and the other one is sticking their butt in the dying one’s face. Survival of the fittest at its finest.

If I am ever late, I have just painted you a picture of how we get out of the house.

But seriously, you wake up one day and all of a sudden there is a tiny person that looks sort of like you but is now starting to act like you.

I realized today that if you are a sarcastic parent, your kids will eventually use sarcasm against you. I use it for good… my kids use it for evil and then laugh about it.

So moral of the story, if you have kids they will become a tiny army that are secretly working against you. And all of your weapons that you use to protect yourself, like sarcasm, will soon be used against you.

So… I have to teach Vincent to use his sarcasm in a responsible way. I use it to secretly piss people off that get on my nerves- I use it because calling someone an idiot to their face is inappropriate.

Vincent is very sarcastic for a six year old. And why is he sarcastic? Because I taught him that you, ass.

Yours truly,

The girl who ‘laughs’ with you

Can I Get You a Side of Manners?

I think I am getting old. Like, when did I become my parents age?

I look around at the youth of today and they expect everything right then and there without even a simple please and thank you… even my three gorgeous cherubs.

No one is polite anymore. When did we lose our compassion? When did we lose our sense of kindness? Our human decency?

Life is so immediate and so instant these days so I feel like it’s my responsibility to press the pause button and kick the youth in the ass. Let me give you some examples.

1) When Vincent and I enter his school, I say, ‘you’re in a building.’ My son, who is six, realizes he needs to take off his hood.

Yeah, it’s called manners. Why do we do that in a building? I have no freaking clue but I know my dad used to tell my brother that all the time. So I feel like it’s important. If he doesn’t do it, then I help him by wrestling that six year old to the ground and taking off his hood for him.

2)Vincent has been asking for things. I’m sorry, he hasn’t been asking, he has been ‘commanding’ us to do things.
‘Mommy, I command you to get me juice!’ -Vincent

…interesting. I command you to shut up… please. Notice how I used my manners?

3)I am OK with my students having their friends stop by every so often to talk with them for a ‘second.’ But I have one rule… when you come in my classroom, you need to say hello to me first. Acknowledge me before your friend.

I know you are asking yourself why? I will tell you. Because this classroom is my freaking house, that’s why.

Students come in and if they don’t say hi first then this is the conversation. Let me paint you a picture…

First, I awkwardly get close to this stranger, look them right in the eye and say

‘umm… do I know you?’ -me
‘Uh, no. I am just here to see so and…” -random kid
‘Oh. I see. So you walked in my house and didn’t say hello to the person that owns the house? Let me tell you something. I am at school more than I am at my actual house. So if you want to visit your friend you need to say hello to me first.’ -me
‘Uhh…’ -random kid
‘Uhh… now get out.’ -me
‘Uhh. Hi!’ -random kid
‘Uh… no. It’s too late. Come back tomorrow.’ -me
…awkward laughing… -random kid
‘Yo man, she’s serious. Get out.’ -random kids friend

4)Yesterday afternoon I had a study hall and I am working at my desk. A student walks straight in my room and this is our conversation:

‘I need colored pencils.’ -random kid
‘Uhh…?’ -me
‘I need colored pencils.’ -random kid
‘Uhh…?’ -me
‘I have a note that says I need colored pencils. I am from so and so’s class. See my note?’ -random kid
‘Uhh…?’ -me
‘You do have colored pencils right?’ -random kid
‘Yup.’ -me
‘Can I have them?’ -random kid
‘No.’
…meanwhile the study hall students look like they are watching a tennis match…

‘Well, why?’ -random kid
‘You forgot something.’ -me
‘Sorry?’ -random student
‘Uhh, no.’ -me
‘Can I have your colored pencils… please?’ -random student
‘Ding, ding, ding, ding! Yeah. They are over on the counter.’ -me

And yes, the class erupted into laughter and applause.

5) On the way home, Nicholas let me know something extremely important.

‘Hey mommy! I want to tell you that I have my penis out.’ -Nicholas
‘Ok, well, that’s not the really the right thing to do because it’s not polite.’ -me
‘Well, I like it and my penis is fun.’ -Nicholas
‘Be that as it may son, you do that at home. In your room. By yourself. You don’t want to show other people your penis because that’s not nice.’ -me
‘Ok… well, I liiiiiiike it and it’s out!’
‘Put your penis away.’ -me
‘Ok… fine…’ -Nicholas¬†

So in conclusion, all of these incidences were teachable moments to learn manners and compassion for the people’s feelings.

Use your manners, be kind and above all else, stop being an idiot.

Yours truly,

The sarcastic woman holding the colored pencils

#teacherproblems #mommyproblems #sarcasm #ithinkiamfunny #stopbeinganidiot #startbeingpolite

Only Another Twenty-Seven Years…

Embarrassing moments today:

1) I had my Photography I students develop film for the first time. Yes… film tank and all.

I literally explained all the tools needed and how important the tank was to keep the film protected and light tight.

Don’t you know one kid raised their hand to tell me that they opened their film with their bare hands and ‘now what do I do?’

First off… one of the tools is can opener. Not bare hands. Second… the tank keeps the film from being exposed to the light.

Were. You. Listening. To. My. Directions?

2) Next period same lesson. One student got all of the film inside the tank without incident. Yay.

First step of film processing: pre-wet the film inside the tank for one minute. Which means fill your light tight container with water.

I come over to the students table and their bin is gone that holds all of the chemicals so we don’t have a chemical spill. Here is our conversation:

‘Uhh… why are all your chemical containers on the table and where is your bin?’ -me
‘I’m doing the pre-wet.’ -student
‘Yeah but where is your bin? You need it so the chemicals don’t spill.’ -me
‘I’m doing the pre-wet.’ -student
‘W.H.E.R.E?’ -me
‘At the sink.’ -student

I look over and she is pre-soaking the bin. The bin! The binnnnnnn! You are supposed to pre-wet the tank that holds your freaking film!

3) Another student in another class was making a photograph and they couldn’t decide on the time. I tried to help and then I finally yelled ‘listen to mommy!’

Awkward.

4) I went to get Nicholas and Emily at school. I come out and Vincent is walking in the parking lot like he took a bad ride on a large horse. The kid is screaming, ‘I peed! I peed!’

Wtf? What is happening? I had to strip the kid and he rode home totally naked… his junk just flapping in the breeze.

5) Meanwhile, the kids made up this awkward song ‘I poop… then I eat it… then I throw it up! Then I have diarrhea!’ Eww. What the hell?

6) Emily keeps telling me that she hates me and she hates this house. She has been crying for her teacher instead. It makes me so angry that I have to do the laundry in order to pack her bags. I don’t have time to do laundry.

7 -10) I am having an OCD moment because I can’t get to ten so this last one is seven through ten. To all those out there suffering from OCD… you’re welcome.

I literally teach black and white film photography but I want you all to know that I am also crazy.

Affectionately yours,

Photo Goddess

Here is a plug… find my page on Facebook and Instagram. I called my business ‘Allison Iannone Photography.’ Creative I know. Now go like my page so I can have some feeling back in my brain from the mind numbing day.

Everything is Awesome

This was our morning:

“Hey Ally, Vincent is up and he is Emmitt today.” -Joe

*cue blank stare and start conversation… “uhh….?” -me

“Emmitt.” -Joe

“Uhh…?” -me

“He is following the instructions.” -Joe

“Uhh…?” -me

“Ugh… he is Emmitt! From the LEGO movie. He is following the instructions!” -Joe

“Oooooh! Well, what has he already done?” -me

“He has done steps one, two and three. So we breathed, said good morning to the city and exercised.” -Joe

“Uhh, ok. Well, what step is he on now?” -me

“Yeah… he is currently on step five.” -Joe

WTF? I am changing his name to Emmitt. At least stuff gets accomplished.

Anyway, here is a clip of Vincent doing his morning routine.

Enjoy and remember, everything is awesome.

Yours truly,

Fluffy Jr.