A Trip to the Market

So Joe and I are just trying to make it through this week off with the kids. Yesterday, Christmas was lovely but naturally our three children are bored today.

I asked Joe if he wanted to get a sitter for tonight but he felt like we could tough it out. So there we were this morning trying to figure out when we could get breaks from the kids. Joe was relieved that he had a physical today so he could get a break from the family- apparently turning and coughing is more fun than family time.

I, on the other hand, was excited to take a trip to the grocery store to get ingredients for soup. I know, when did I get this old? Either way, I am getting ready to leave and Emily and Nicholas ask to come.

Here is a list of the adventure to Shop Rite…

1) We had to get a shopping cart with the car. So the two kids get in but they have grown since the last car cart and  are basically sitting on top of each other.

2) I asked Nicholas to look out for whipped cream. Then I looked over at him and he is looking for whipped cream as he is army crawling through the aisles.

3) I lost Nicholas in an aisle and when I screamed for him, he came running around the corner claiming he thought a fat man was calling for him. Two questions… one: why do I sound like a fat man and two: why are you responding to a strange, fat man?

4) I got a new kind of ice cream and Nicholas thought it looked good so he started licking the picture on the carton.

5) I asked Nicholas to help me put the groceries on the belt. I look over and he is in the middle of the main aisle with two bags of bagels, swinging them and screaming, ‘nunchucks!’

6) Nicholas and Emily found the ice chest where they sell bags of ice. I yelled at Nicholas to get out of there as one leg was already in the freezer. 

7) We needed beer so naturally I took them to the liquor store. I lost Emily somewhere in the whiskey aisle. 

8) Nicholas picked out our beer. And it actually isn’t a bad kind. He is all set for when he turns 21.

9) I explained to the kids that everything in the liquor store was breakable. So naturally they touched every bottle.

10) It’s pretty obvious I looked stressed because the owner looked at me and said, ‘I guess this is because you are with your kids this whole week?’ Spot on liquor store guy… spot on.

Until next time,

It’s a liquor and ice cream kind of night.


It Hasn’t Even Been a Month

I have gone from a working mom to a stay at home mom because I am a school teacher. It hasn’t even been a month and I think I am dying. Here is a list of what my life has been like:

1. I have been sitting on the couch but not alone. Oh no, my kids need to all be touching me. It’s so bad that I have to do five minute intervals of ‘who gets to sit on mommy.’

2. I have gone on one bike ride and lost a child.

3. Vincent asked me to go to McDonald’s and I told him we could go maybe once a month. He just informed me that we went last week which was June and this week was July.

4. The kids are on a swim team. Vincent is the only one that is ready to be in the meets. His freestyle consists of doing the dead man’s float down the lane and hoping for first place… he really is clutch on the relay team.

5. I am constantly in the kitchen… my kids don’t stop eating. I ran out of food.

6. Nicholas won’t stop kissing my feet and he does this weird stripper dance that I find hilarious…. neither thing is connected.

7. Beer has been my summer fling in order to get by.

8. I have watched more Pokemon then I care to ever watch in my lifetime. I finally made up my own Pokemon to piss my son off. His name is Dorito and he has spicy powers.

9. I have taught my kids the following words while frustrated: damn, shit and fuck. 

10. My kids want to know about original sin but only when we are in the car. They have also asked google to show them pictures of Jesus, the Virgin Mary, Adam and Eve and God himself. Thank you Google for having documentation and pictures of the Lord.

They Didn’t Just Cry Over Eggs

Eggs. The word says it… they are incredible and edible and if my kids don’t get them, they throw a fit in the middle of Wawa (the best convenience store of all time). Not just a fit but crying to the point of hyperventilating and screaming and waving their arms… like a wild monkey that is within arms reach of a banana… but the banana is wax. It’s the illusion of breakfast.

This was the issue- Wawa was not serving the ‘right’ kind of breakfast. I don’t know why, it was 3pm… geez Wawa… my poor kids couldn’t have an egg sandwich… they might die.

My kids were crying so badly, that I turned around and saw two college guys staring at us. I looked them right in the eye and said, ‘don’t have kids till your fifty and I also expect a case of beer to be delivered to my doorstep, just let me give you my address.’

They both started laughing and agreeing with me and saying they, ‘didn’t know how I did it.,

Listen, I don’t do it. I was serious about the case of beer.

Until next time,

I will be drinking the whole case