So I have been going to the gym this last month- I know, I am surprised myself.
Surprised or not, I am constantly noticing that I am judging myself for how fat I am and how ugly I look. I also imagine that because of how I think I look, that other people must see me in the same way.
So yesterday, I went swimming and as I walked onto the wet pool deck into the warm atmosphere, I was self-conscious that my bathing suit barley covered my boobs (neither do turtlenecks) and that my bathing suit is literally falling apart. I got into the pool fast so no one could see anything. My bathing suit is black and because of my weight, I think I look like an orca whale sloshing around the water. The movie should have been titled, Free Ally instead of Free Willy.
As I am bobbing around in the deep end, I realized that this was the first time that I haven’t put in my contacts and basically the whole world was blurry. It was so blurry in fact that I couldn’t see people’s faces, their expressions and I barely knew what genders were surrounding me as the water sloshed back and forth. At first, it made me angry because I am so self-conscious that I feel like I am constantly checking people’s facial expressions to see if they hate me as much as I hate me. However, I then realized what a great relief it was not to have that pressure for an hour straight. Then it hit me; this is how I should live my life.
I want to live my life legally blind, so to speak. I want to live my life three feet in front of my face and not worry about what happened in the past and what is going to happen in the future. I want to live my life in the present.
Having Borderline Personality Disorder, I am constantly worried about who was in my life five years ago and why they left or who will love me enough to be in my life in the next five years. And being legally blind in the pool, I realized that I couldn’t worry about what has happened in the past and I can’t obsess about what is going to happen in the future because all I have is here and now. And if I need to look at life through a blurry lens to keep my focus on the now, then that’s how I have to live my life.
The people that are going to matter will be in my life in my future and the people that will be exiting my life will either leave quietly or leave with a bang. But either way, I will pick up the pieces and live my life the way it was meant to be lived; in the here and now and three feet in front of my face.
Until next time,
Special thanks to my therapist who constantly tells me to live my life this way and constantly reminds me to focus on the present when I lose my way.