My Kids Are Wearing Me Down

Being a stay at home mom is the toughest job ever. I just looked at myself in the mirror. I am fat, disheveled and I ate chocolate chips for lunch. 

My kids are driving me nuts and I love them but there are a few reasons that they are getting on my nerves…

1) Vincent had appendicitis a couple weeks ago. He had it on the day we were leaving for the beach. After surgery he wasn’t allowed in the ocean or pool. He turned to me on vacation and said, ‘you guys owe me a four day vacation because I had surgery.’

-listen kid. You just cost me like three giant medical bills. You owe me a vacation.

2) The constant whining. I don’t feel good today and I offered them to have a snack for lunch and they are whining about it. 

-Eat chips… they are made from potatoes and I am pretty sure those chocolate chips you are eating are made with dairy. Plus chocolate has a cancer fighting mechanism… you’re welcome.

3) Barbies. I am constantly playing Barbies but I am usually Barbies dog who doesn’t know how to talk.

-Ok… can I have a speaking role? I think I am ready.

4) The insults. My kids call each other stupid head. ALL. DAY. LONG.

-Step it up a notch. Try stupid mother fucker and see how much more effective that is.

5) Constant eating. Where is it going? Sometimes we just run out of food. My tiny people need to learn how to ration.

-Godforbid we are in some kind of zombie apocalypse situation. They are not allowed in my bunker because they will eat our supply in a few hours.

6) Screen time. I am sick of regulating it. Just watch it so I can have some peace.

-Honestly, I think they learn more from screen than me. The boys just gave me the definition of immune. Thank you Lion Gaurd and Disney Junior!

7) I am tired of being a human couch. My three kids just have to sit on me. It is so bad that we have to rotate every five minutes.

-I finally wised up and put in a fourth five minute interval for mommy time. I am living it up for five minutes in every twenty minute rotation.

8) Pooping. I can’t wait to go back to work so I can poop alone. Right now they find me. I don’t know how and I don’t know why but they know my every move.

-They come to tell me the following: their hopes, their dreams, the best part of their day! They share with me what they are eating and drinking. How hungry they are and if I want to play with them. All this while I am wiping my ass.

9) Three square meals a day. They don’t want three… it’s more like we never leave the kitchen. I put this in twice, not because I am running out of material but because people need to prepare if they have children.

-Prepare. Prepare to spend money on food and still share everything that is on your plate.

10) Pretending to be active. We go on walks and bike rides that last at least an hour.

-We are actually only going around a long block but there is so much whining and crying that it takes extra long. Then we have to collect rocks and leaves and sticks to throw in the creek. Someone is always falling off their bike or having a near miss with a car no matter how many times I tell them to stay next to the curb.

Just to prove that I have one more left…

11) Fighting about clothes. My kids just can’t get their shit together. They wear shorts for two weeks at a time, Vincent prefers to wear his shirts inside out and sometime backwards… He claims he is waiting for snow since that is what we do before a big snowfall. I don’t even know when my kids last changed their underwear.

-I guess I am leaving their laundry up to mutual good faith. I know that we taught them all the right rules about changing their clothes and I am certain that they are not doing it. I guess that shower once a week will help with the smell.

Until next time,

Pass me the chocolate chips

A Science Convention

First off, going to this convention was like a slim look into hell. I decided that I made the best decision by not being a scientist. I’m just not interested. Here is a list of our ‘fun’ time…

1) Joe made me go to this invention convention where the kids were able to make inventions out of recycled materials and then get a patten on it. Vincent invented a flying car, Nicholas invented an airplane and Emily invented a butterfly. 

They all have pattens so don’t try to steal their ideas.

2) The boys were able to take apart old objects. The boys chose a printer. Emily refused to do it because she had to wear goggles. I think she was more upset that it didn’t go with her outfit.

3) the Franklin Institute came in to show how storms are made. Emily was scared and ran whatever way the wind would carry her… much like the tornado that they were about to create.

4) During our down time, I made an allergist appointment for Vincent. I’m a multitasking.

5) Emily and I had to leave the actual building because she was scared so we went to the car, ate my secret stash of chocolate and played Barbies.

6) Nicholas only would get out of the car if I offered a piggy back and Emily cried about walking- I told her walking was good for the soul.

7) We got to the second part of the convention… oh God, there was more, and Nicholas turned to me and wanted to play Barbies instead of animation. That’s how good this convention was.

8) Nerds. Nerds everywhere. I was afraid they would think I was one of them. Dear God, no.

9) As we passed the parking attendants, one of them told me that I made his day when I said walking was good for the soul. I didn’t think anyone was listening but I’m glad it made his day.

10) Nicholas and Emily spent the time in the car trying to get the airbag light to go off and on.

Can’t get much more fun than this. Oh wait, hot pokers in my eyes would be more fun.

Until next time,

I’m more of a geek.

This blog is dedicated to two of my favorite nerds, Kari and Justin.

What Women Want

Yeah, women like love and crap like that but what do we really want? If you have a woman in your life or you are looking for a wonderful woman…pay attention.

These are our favorite things and I am going to change it up and do a ‘David Letterman’ style line-up.

Heeeere weeee go…

5) A clean house: We LOVE a clean house! We just don’t want to be the only one doing it; pick up a mop for godsakes.

4) Chocolate: Don’t question us. When we want it, just give it to us or you will probably die.

3) Pajamas: it’s our favorite clothing because it means we are staying in and we don’t have to leave the house which you have now cleaned.

2) Wine: Wine, wine, wine.

And the number one thing women enjoy most is….

1) Taking off our bra and knowing we can do numbers 5, 4, 3 and 2.

Until next time,

Love is great but being in your clean house, while in your pajamas, eating chocolate, and drinking wine, bra-less, is better than anything you can really give us.