A List of Clichés That Make Me Want to Punch You.

People are getting on my nerves so I have developed a list for the people that don’t have a mental illness. Study it. There will be a test douche bag.

Here is a list of what not to do with someone with depression or, in my case, Borderline Personality Disorder:

1) I don’t want you to tell me that I have a good life. I have eyes asshole, I know that I have a good life.

2) Don’t ask me what is wrong and then when I say ‘nothing’… don’t act like something is wrong anyway. It’s just my bitch face.

3) And even if it’s not my bitch face, did you ever think that I don’t want to share my feelings with you because I am sick of hearing myself talk about why I don’t understand why I am depressed? Or maybe it’s that I don’t feel like hearing your broken record telling me that, ‘I should be happy.’

4) Don’t tell me that if I exercise, I will feel better. When would you like me to do that? Between my full time job, being a mom or going to therapy three times a week? When I am not doing the above, I want to do something for me and that is not the gym. And why is it not the gym? Because the gym smells like sadness and despair.

5) Don’t tell me that things will get better in time. Shut. Up. Like seriously, do you have a book of clichés?

6) Don’t tell me to use therapeutic skills. Do you know what I want to do when I am in a rage of emotion? It’s not to use skills… it’s to do the opposite. It is just to sit there and wonder why the hell I have to be the one to use skills to regulate emotions. Maybe you need to use skills because you are pissing me off.

7) Don’t tell me that if I eat better, I will feel better from the inside out. I will tell you what will make me feel better. It’s a few eggrolls, a whole pizza and ice cream, you clean, eating, health hippie. Go hug a tree while eating granola.

8) Don’t tell me that I am thinking too emotionally. You know why? Because I can’t control my emotions… that is part of being a Borderline you ass.

9) Don’t tell me to take a deep breath. I will tell you why, because when I take a deep breath, it only helps me to channel my energy into pummeling you to the ground.

10) Don’t tell me to enjoy what is around and take in the moment. I want to get out of the moment and I want to run. I want to run but I am fat because I don’t exercise because of my emotions which is part of my disorder which is part of who I am which is part of what I can’t control which is why I have my problems in the first place, hence the therapy. Jerk.

So, remember people… think before you speak. Don’t give us the clichés. Just sit with us because we just want to be with people that are comfortable with being in our presence.

Until next time,

This is not a multiple choice test.

 

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The Rabbit Hole

My breath is shallow and my mind is lost. I try to focus but at what cost? I can’t hear and I can’t see, I just see a black tunnel and at the end is a silhouette of me. I stand there still, unable to move. It’s like I’m watching a movie and my life becomes the story. 

I can’t tell you my secrets because you will judge me and I know the reason is because I already judge myself. 

In this hole, in this tunnel there is nothing but darkness. They say there is a light attached at the end of the tunnel but that’s a lie. The truth is at the end you just die. But when will death come? When will death come for some? When will death come for me because I don’t want to sit here waiting on this bended knee. 

I sit here and wait in this tunnel so dark, it’s as dark as the corners of my mind- a place I don’t invite you because I am too kind. 

You will never know what it’s like to be in here. My brain shouts to be free. I bang on the walls of my brain but the neurons fire so fast I know that I can’t last this way. The neurons fire and the desire is great, I need to get out before I collapse to my feet. 

I lay here wondering who will be toeing this line…following me down this rabbit hole- don’t worry I’m fine? 

I don’t want you there, I want to be alone. I don’t invite you because you aren’t as strong. I think you would be scared, I think you would run and I would still be here, my silhouette outlined in the darkness. 

Run I say. Run like you do because I won’t chase you. I can’t make you stay, I can let you run. Run as fast , you can and don’t look back. You can’t save me; let my world turn black. 
Until next time,

Just let me write

Watching the Clouds

I sit here and watch the clouds pass me by and wonder what it would be like to fly?

I wonder how clouds would feel in my hand. 

Would they brush through my fingertips the same way the cool ocean water slips through my fingers on a warm summer day or would the clouds feel soft like my favorite blanket that I wrap myself in by the fire while it snows?

If I try to hold them tight, would they disappear like the warm sun drifts off into the cool night?

If I hold them carefully, would they stay like a fragile piece of glass intact in my fingertips?

If I smell the clouds and inhale deeply, does it smell like clean cotton on laundry day?

And if I took a bite, a bite right out of the cloud, would it taste like cotton candy after a day at my hometown carnival?

I just don’t know but I hope one day to find out but it can’t be today.

Until next time,

Allison

I…

I was angry but you weren’t there.

I was crying but you weren’t there.

I was confused but you weren’t there.

I hated myself but you weren’t there.

I was judgemental of myself but you weren’t there.

I said hurtful things to myself but you weren’t there.

I was tormented but you weren’t there.

I was falling but you weren’t there.

I was alone but you weren’t there.

In the end you were there all along but I wouldn’t let you be. In the end, I wouldn’t let anyone get close to me.

Looking back, I can see the path I walked- in and out and with each step I would shout.

But you weren’t there and neither was I because whenever you would say, ‘are you ok?’ I would whisper back, ‘I’m fine.’

Until next time,

Allison

Let’s Make Some Resolutions

So it’s New Years Eve and we all want to see 2016 go for typical reasons. We have lost a lot of icons this year and I am sure some of us lost somebody personally as well but luckily Betty White is still alive and kicking.

Well, what’s your resolution this year? Is it the same as the rest of the world? You want to lose weight, you want to get a promotion, or you want to be a stronger person?

Mine are typical as well but maybe we should challenge each other this year to go further.

Let me share my resolutions with you. The first is to lose weight and overall be healthier for myself and my family. I am the heaviest I have ever been and it’s time to stop making excuses and just do something about it but I want something more than just to be physically healthy; I also want to be mentally healthy.

I’m not going to ever say that my disorder will go away. Being someone that has Borderline Personality Disorder is like someone with diabetes or cancer- you can’t see it but it’s there and it can kill you if you let it. 

I am always going to struggle and most people will never see the inner torment that this disorder causes. My mind is warped with distorted thinking about myself and how others perceive me; I struggle with suicide ideation, I struggle with not knowing who I really am- I struggle with living and you will never know. I wouldn’t want you to even try to understand because my mind is a scary place to be especially when I am alone and thinking. My mind can be very dark and harsh and some moments there is a small glimpse of light; a glimpse of hope; a glimpse of healing.

This year, I want people to recognize the battles of people with mental illness- don’t look at us like we are lesser but look at us a strong people that battle inner demons. Let us get rid of the stigma of mental illness.

This year let’s do something better than we did last year…

This year, I want us to help our fellow man without judgement. Help people on the side of the road by buying them a hot meal or a hot cup of coffee. It’s only a few dollars but it could warm their heart and fill them with hope.

This year, love your significant other more than you did last year. Being together is a lot of work but put forth the work and remember how in love you were that first time you said those three words for the first time.

This year, be a friend. Not just to your regular friends but to those who are hiding from the crowd and are just blending into the background. Bring them out of the background and show them how special life can be living on the edge of being visible to the world around them.

This year, visit your grandparents before they’re gone. Listen to all their old stories from when they were younger. Find out about their lives before you regret not really knowing them at all.

This year, hold your children a little tighter before they are too big for them to let you.

This year, pray for the minority. Pray for black men and women, Muslims, and the LGBQT community.

This year, pray for peace. 

This year, pray for hope.

This year, pray for love.

Until next time,

This year is our year.