When You are on a Diet…

So I am on a diet that requires fasting and I think I am going to kill someone. Seriously. 

I can’t stand being fat and I also can’t stand being on a diet. This is why…

1) You have to eat cleanly. Yeah, like spinach and kale are on my radar. It’s more like a crispy chicken salad with tons of dressing.

2) For a light snack I can have a cucumber. Fuck that. It just grew out of the ground… It has dirt on it. 

3) Drink a gallon of water. What the fuck? I drink a cup of coffee a day; now you want me to basically drink the equivalent of what I used to drink in alcohol.

4) You will lose weight. Yes, the scale is going down- yay. But I just had to give up fries.

5) I can’t drink alcohol. I have just been with my kids for 48 straight hours. I need the whole goddamn bar.

6) I can’t have dairy. So basically I need two things to survive. Alcohol and milkshakes. You are telling me I can’t have either? What kind of hell is this?

7) All I am doing is peeing. Literally, I just took a stock in toliet paper and I finally made millions. Screw the Powerball… I have toliet paper.

8) My kids keep tasting my sensible shake that I get two times a day. They don’t get they are drinking like my whole meal and they don’t even like it. Get your tiny hands off my tasteless shake.

9) I am looking forward to losing weight. So is my husband. My goal is to be two boobs on a pair of legs.

10) I am wicked hangry. Like fasting is not my thing. I feel like I am going to kill the next person that has food. 

Until next time,

If I kill someone, at least I will get fed three times a day in jail.

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My Kids Are Wearing Me Down

Being a stay at home mom is the toughest job ever. I just looked at myself in the mirror. I am fat, disheveled and I ate chocolate chips for lunch. 

My kids are driving me nuts and I love them but there are a few reasons that they are getting on my nerves…

1) Vincent had appendicitis a couple weeks ago. He had it on the day we were leaving for the beach. After surgery he wasn’t allowed in the ocean or pool. He turned to me on vacation and said, ‘you guys owe me a four day vacation because I had surgery.’

-listen kid. You just cost me like three giant medical bills. You owe me a vacation.

2) The constant whining. I don’t feel good today and I offered them to have a snack for lunch and they are whining about it. 

-Eat chips… they are made from potatoes and I am pretty sure those chocolate chips you are eating are made with dairy. Plus chocolate has a cancer fighting mechanism… you’re welcome.

3) Barbies. I am constantly playing Barbies but I am usually Barbies dog who doesn’t know how to talk.

-Ok… can I have a speaking role? I think I am ready.

4) The insults. My kids call each other stupid head. ALL. DAY. LONG.

-Step it up a notch. Try stupid mother fucker and see how much more effective that is.

5) Constant eating. Where is it going? Sometimes we just run out of food. My tiny people need to learn how to ration.

-Godforbid we are in some kind of zombie apocalypse situation. They are not allowed in my bunker because they will eat our supply in a few hours.

6) Screen time. I am sick of regulating it. Just watch it so I can have some peace.

-Honestly, I think they learn more from screen than me. The boys just gave me the definition of immune. Thank you Lion Gaurd and Disney Junior!

7) I am tired of being a human couch. My three kids just have to sit on me. It is so bad that we have to rotate every five minutes.

-I finally wised up and put in a fourth five minute interval for mommy time. I am living it up for five minutes in every twenty minute rotation.

8) Pooping. I can’t wait to go back to work so I can poop alone. Right now they find me. I don’t know how and I don’t know why but they know my every move.

-They come to tell me the following: their hopes, their dreams, the best part of their day! They share with me what they are eating and drinking. How hungry they are and if I want to play with them. All this while I am wiping my ass.

9) Three square meals a day. They don’t want three… it’s more like we never leave the kitchen. I put this in twice, not because I am running out of material but because people need to prepare if they have children.

-Prepare. Prepare to spend money on food and still share everything that is on your plate.

10) Pretending to be active. We go on walks and bike rides that last at least an hour.

-We are actually only going around a long block but there is so much whining and crying that it takes extra long. Then we have to collect rocks and leaves and sticks to throw in the creek. Someone is always falling off their bike or having a near miss with a car no matter how many times I tell them to stay next to the curb.

Just to prove that I have one more left…

11) Fighting about clothes. My kids just can’t get their shit together. They wear shorts for two weeks at a time, Vincent prefers to wear his shirts inside out and sometime backwards… He claims he is waiting for snow since that is what we do before a big snowfall. I don’t even know when my kids last changed their underwear.

-I guess I am leaving their laundry up to mutual good faith. I know that we taught them all the right rules about changing their clothes and I am certain that they are not doing it. I guess that shower once a week will help with the smell.

Until next time,

Pass me the chocolate chips

ISO a Daughter That Gives Compliments 

Last night, my daughter picked up my shirt, looked at my belly, rubbed it and told me I was lumpy like a dinosaur.

She also proceeded to tell me the following:

‘Mommy, you have a big, fat belly.” -Emily

‘Well, that’s not nice. Do you know why I have a big, fat belly? Because I had three babies in there.’ -me

‘Noooo… you have a big, fat belly because you eat a lot, a lot, a lot of food.’ -Emily 

So things I have discovered about myself:

1) I still love my daughter.

2) Emily is still living.

3) I need to eat a lot less food because apparently three meals a day is too much.

4) I have a big, fat, lumpy belly. This whole time, I thought I was dead sexy.

5) Her description of my belly could explain my giant, uncomfortable muffin top feeling over the top of my jeans.

6) Did I mention she is still living?

7) I need to be attached to a treadmill. Like chained up and someone needs to put it on level 10. I will move faster if someone ties chocolate cake to a string and dangles it in front of my face… no carrots though.

8) I might also run if there is a scary ass clown behind me or vegetables chasing me. I’m not eating that crap.

9) I’m lumpy. Like cottage cheese but you can’t mix me with fruit. I’m just lumpy.

10) I am currently taking resumes for a different daughter… maybe one that tells me how hot I am…

Until next time,

I have to gather my big, fat, lumpy belly and do errands

Our Little Chef?

My oldest son wants to be a chef. He is very determined to make various creations of new foods and new combinations of foods. However, those food choices aren’t exactly appetizing. Some favorites are a jelly sandwich with fruit snacks, fruit snacks dipped in milk, and fruit snacks placed in a water bottle to see how they taste after they deteriorate. Yesterday, however, was different because I was the testing dummy.

As a parent you want to be as supportive as possible to your children. You don’t ever want crush their dreams and hurt their soul. You want to be with them and help them and support them and tell them the truth except all those times that you really just have to lie. This was definitely a time when lying was necessary. And it was also a time where I was not allowed to barf.

So yesterday he decided to give me a grape, a goldfish, and a fruit snack sandwich all in one bite… it was disgusting and I will never be able to un-taste that. Thankfully moments later he told me that he didn’t think it tasted so good. But he is very determined to make ‘Vincent’s Taste Creations.’ 

I want to be supportive but I just don’t know if this is his calling at this moment. Either that or we need to buy different types of food to support his dreams.

Here’s hoping that you will never find a grape, goldfish or fruit snack appetizer because nothing is more disgusting.

Until next time, 

pass me the Tums.

Where is My Food?

You know what really pisses me off? When I make my coffee and breakfast and I get to my chair and my kids say that they are hungry.

Seriously? You have just eaten like three bowls of cereal and I haven’t even taken a bite of, what was, hot food.

Seriously… what the hell? Are kids programed to sense when you are about to do something for yourself and then they need something at that exact moment? It drives me nuts. I don’t think I have had a hot meal or a meal of my own in seven years. I mean, even if we are eating the same exact thing, they still want a bite of mine. I’m into sharing but not when we are eating the same thing. And then on top of that, they like mine but then hate what’s on their plate- it’s the SAME thing.

Kids really do come with some kind of internal mechanism to drive parents crazy. I think it’s God’s way of testing you to find out if you are some kind of crazed killer because kids take so much patience. Sooooo much patience.

Here is my list of kids internal mechanisms:

1) They finish their food and ask for more as your ass is about to make contact with the chair.

2) They have been occupied for like an hour, you finish cleaning up (not like I do this often), and they ask for something as my ass is making contact with the couch.

3) They sense when you really have to take a crap and then they need you like right now.

4) You just sit down to take a crap and they have been busy for what feels like hours and all of a sudden, they have to go to the bathroom soooo bad. And Godforbid if you ask them to use the other two unoccupied bathrooms.

5) You are late to anywhere and suddenly they are about to shit their pants. Ok, I asked you to use the bathroom ten minutes ago.

6) You are at a restaurant, your food comes and they have to go to the bathroom again… we were just in there after we ordered.

7) You are sleeping. They sense that and wake you up to hand you boogers or to ask if they can go downstairs. We have had the same rules since they started their lives… you can go downstairs at 7am and always use a tissue.

8) Your naked. Suddenly everyone wants to be in your room talking about life’s problems. Or they randomly come into the bathroom while you are showering and start playing the guitar. Wtf. Get out.

9) Your goal is to drink more water. I have willed myself to about 8oz a day… it’s a work in progress. And then they want my water. And then there are floaters in my water. Ok… I am changing my goal to a sip of water a day… yay, I accomplished my goals. 

10) You want to have sex but nope… they want to come in your room because they miss you and want to cuddle. We live together. I just saw you.

Oh my God… there should be an internal off button for the mechanisms and an on button for more cuddle time and more times they clean the house without being asked.

Until next time,

Let me go drink my cold coffee. Oh nevermind, Emily fell.