Let’s at Least Try to Worship Jesus.

So it’s Sunday and that can only mean one thing for this family. This day is our attempt at being Catholic.

It started off with dropping all three children off at Sunday school. I have been waiting for Sunday all week because, let’s face it, no kids in the house meant crazy sex. But alas, I have been waiting all week only to be blue-ovaried by the head of Sunday school asking for our paperwork so Vincent could make his First Holy Communion.

No wonder people stop being catholic- it’s too much paperwork. Anyway, Joe and I don’t have our shit together so we had to go to Staples to print out paperwork and photocopy a baptismal record. Staples didn’t open till 10am and Joe literally waited at the door to photocopy shit.

Now it’s off to church. We had to pick the kids up from Sunday school at 10:15 am and church is in the same parking lot. Explain to me that we were still late for mass? Yup, it should be called the 10:35 am service. 

As we are in mass, we had to do the normal bathroom routine. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Then we are going up to communion and Vincent is screaming, loudly, if he can eat Jesus. Then onto the blood of Christ and he is asking for a sip. We get back to the pew and I said, ‘this is the time to say a prayer and talk to Jesus.’

The kid asked Jesus for a rollercoaster and thanked him for each Pokemon individually. ‘Thank you Jesus for charmander, piccachu, salmander… and I would really like a rollercoaster.’

I lean over and tell him that Jesus is ‘not a genie.’ 

Although, if he was a genie, I would ask for endless alcoholic milkshakes and to make my kids silent at church.

Until next time,

You have two wishes left

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It Hasn’t Even Been a Month

I have gone from a working mom to a stay at home mom because I am a school teacher. It hasn’t even been a month and I think I am dying. Here is a list of what my life has been like:

1. I have been sitting on the couch but not alone. Oh no, my kids need to all be touching me. It’s so bad that I have to do five minute intervals of ‘who gets to sit on mommy.’

2. I have gone on one bike ride and lost a child.

3. Vincent asked me to go to McDonald’s and I told him we could go maybe once a month. He just informed me that we went last week which was June and this week was July.

4. The kids are on a swim team. Vincent is the only one that is ready to be in the meets. His freestyle consists of doing the dead man’s float down the lane and hoping for first place… he really is clutch on the relay team.

5. I am constantly in the kitchen… my kids don’t stop eating. I ran out of food.

6. Nicholas won’t stop kissing my feet and he does this weird stripper dance that I find hilarious…. neither thing is connected.

7. Beer has been my summer fling in order to get by.

8. I have watched more Pokemon then I care to ever watch in my lifetime. I finally made up my own Pokemon to piss my son off. His name is Dorito and he has spicy powers.

9. I have taught my kids the following words while frustrated: damn, shit and fuck. 

10. My kids want to know about original sin but only when we are in the car. They have also asked google to show them pictures of Jesus, the Virgin Mary, Adam and Eve and God himself. Thank you Google for having documentation and pictures of the Lord.

Why Did Jesus Die?

“Mommy, why did Jesus die?” -Nicholas

“Because of original sin and so we could get to heaven.” -me

“What’s original sin?” -Nicholas

“Adam and Eve were living in the Garden of Eden and God told them not to eat from the apple tree but the devil came in the shape of a snake and told Eve to do it and she did and fed the apple to Adam and then they were banished and realized they were naked and then they were ashamed and that was all about original sin.” -me

“Ok. Can you tell the story about Adam and Steve again?” -Vincent

“It’s Eve. Not Steve.” -me

“And why were they naked?” -Nicholas

“And why did Adam eat the apple?” -Emily

“Yeah, when I become president, I am going to make a law that you can’t eat apples.” -Vincent

“Yeah, Donald Trumpet should make that law.” -Nicholas

“Mommy, were they green apples?” -Vincent

“No. I think they were Pink Ladies.” –me

“Is the devil in me?” Emily

“Why was the devil a snake?” -Vincent

“Did Adam and Steve get married?” -Nicholas

“Eve. It’s Eve.” -me

Until next time,

That was a cozy bedtime story…