It Hasn’t Even Been a Month

I have gone from a working mom to a stay at home mom because I am a school teacher. It hasn’t even been a month and I think I am dying. Here is a list of what my life has been like:

1. I have been sitting on the couch but not alone. Oh no, my kids need to all be touching me. It’s so bad that I have to do five minute intervals of ‘who gets to sit on mommy.’

2. I have gone on one bike ride and lost a child.

3. Vincent asked me to go to McDonald’s and I told him we could go maybe once a month. He just informed me that we went last week which was June and this week was July.

4. The kids are on a swim team. Vincent is the only one that is ready to be in the meets. His freestyle consists of doing the dead man’s float down the lane and hoping for first place… he really is clutch on the relay team.

5. I am constantly in the kitchen… my kids don’t stop eating. I ran out of food.

6. Nicholas won’t stop kissing my feet and he does this weird stripper dance that I find hilarious…. neither thing is connected.

7. Beer has been my summer fling in order to get by.

8. I have watched more Pokemon then I care to ever watch in my lifetime. I finally made up my own Pokemon to piss my son off. His name is Dorito and he has spicy powers.

9. I have taught my kids the following words while frustrated: damn, shit and fuck. 

10. My kids want to know about original sin but only when we are in the car. They have also asked google to show them pictures of Jesus, the Virgin Mary, Adam and Eve and God himself. Thank you Google for having documentation and pictures of the Lord.

Why Did Jesus Die?

“Mommy, why did Jesus die?” -Nicholas

“Because of original sin and so we could get to heaven.” -me

“What’s original sin?” -Nicholas

“Adam and Eve were living in the Garden of Eden and God told them not to eat from the apple tree but the devil came in the shape of a snake and told Eve to do it and she did and fed the apple to Adam and then they were banished and realized they were naked and then they were ashamed and that was all about original sin.” -me

“Ok. Can you tell the story about Adam and Steve again?” -Vincent

“It’s Eve. Not Steve.” -me

“And why were they naked?” -Nicholas

“And why did Adam eat the apple?” -Emily

“Yeah, when I become president, I am going to make a law that you can’t eat apples.” -Vincent

“Yeah, Donald Trumpet should make that law.” -Nicholas

“Mommy, were they green apples?” -Vincent

“No. I think they were Pink Ladies.” –me

“Is the devil in me?” Emily

“Why was the devil a snake?” -Vincent

“Did Adam and Steve get married?” -Nicholas

“Eve. It’s Eve.” -me

Until next time,

That was a cozy bedtime story…

The Sunday Choir 

So the boys have been on a rampage of saying bad words. The words are screamed at a high volume when they are mad or want attention. These words include but are not limited to: stupid, stupid head, butt, butt head, vagina, penis, shut up, dumb, dummies and diarrhea. 

So on the way home from Sunday school, they were saying all these words… I mean you just came from Jesus school. What the hell? So I decided to let them scream all the words they wanted so they could get it out of their system before they got home.

In turn, they started screaming and then their screaming turned into singing and then they started harmonizing with each other. It was a beautiful Sunday chorus of harmonizing butt heads, shut ups and dummies. So sweet and tender.

Until next time,

Youuuuu’re a buuuuutt headddd!

The Inn Keeper

So this Inn keeper denies Mary and Joseph, I believe this is what followed after he received the news that she just gave birth to the Son of God…

1) That man drank… a lot.

2) Reservations went down for his Inn.

3) Because of this, all of the animals died because he had no money.

4) He starved because he had nothing to eat because his livestock died… circle of life my friends.

5) People called him ‘Jack,’ short for Jack ass. 

Moral of the Christmas story: be kind to one another because you never know who you might be helping. For example, having the Son of God possibly being born in your Inn… 

Until next time,

Help one another or you will drink too much, your sales will go down, your livestock will die and then you will die… Jack.

My Children Talking About Death

Death explained to you by a seven, five and four year old…

As we are passing a cemetery:

‘Hello dead people!’ -Nicholas

‘That’s a lot of dead people!’ -Emily

‘That’s a lot of stones with Jesus’ name’ -Emily

‘Emily! That’s not all Jesus’ name… they all have different names! -Vincent

‘No! When I die and I don’t have my name on the stone, they are going to write, ‘no name… what a shame.’ -Emily

‘Well, they are all dead. D-E-D… dead.’ -Emily

Until next time,

I swear my kids are warm and fuzzy

Let’s Have Brunch

So I have been deep in thought about Christmas and I know what you are going to say- ‘shut the hell up, it’s not even Halloween.’

I am with you readers… I am, but unfortunately my daughter took out a talking Christmas book and it just got me thinking about Santa and Jesus and eggs.

So of course, there is that magic on Christmas. The magic that your children believe in something bigger than themselves annnnnd you just lied your pants off and are basically a pathological liar. Let’s leave cookies and milk for daddy and mommy… eer, I mean Santa. So yes, I am destroying my children one at a time, lying to them about Santa and bunnies and tooth theives. They I’ll probably need therapy.

Either way, I was thinking about brunch because we are going to set up brunch with Santa. 

So then I thought…what the hell? Why don’t we have brunch with Jesus. I mean, it’s his damn holiday. I could picture it now… eggs with a side of hay and everyone sits comfortably in a manger. Of course you need a reservation because when you get there, there might not be any room for you in the dining room… haha… get it? So make your reservations now and have some eggs with Jesus.

Wait for night fall and follow the north star and bring me freaking gold because this was my idea.

Until next time,

Jesus is knocking and you need to let him in because he has manners. Santa just brings his fat ass into your house and eats your cookies.

I am Free… Holy Hell!

Well, my friends, this is it. My kids are in camp… like allllll morning, allllll week long. Holy shit, I can’t believe it. It has only been like an hour since I dropped the boys off at bible camp and Emily at ballet camp but oh my goodness what a feeling.

Here is a list of things I have done since they have been dropped off in these last two days:

1) I may have ran through the church lobby screaming ‘I’m free!’

2) I dropped off Emily and a little piece of me was sad because she is my baby girl. But then I grabbed a hold of myself and sped away with a giant grin on my face.

3) I watched Good Morning America in real time and drank a cup of coffee.

4) I went to the bathroom, with… wait for it… the door wide open.

5) I went out with a friend and had a real conversation that didn’t include quoting kid TV shows.

6) I thought about cleaning the house but then I changed my mind.

7) I went to Starbucks.

8) I was so excited about my freedom yesterday that I forgot to make dinner. Joe had tuna fish on crackers and I had ice cream.

9) I sat in the house and listened to nothing.

10) I was going to celebrate with a drink but realized it was 9am and picking up children after day drinking while they are at bible camp is probably frowned upon.

11) I made appointments with all my doctors because I had to adult. I was supposed to make an appointment with the neurologist because since my major car accident, I have had problems with short term memory but I realized, while writing this, I forgot to do that. Ironic.

12) I decided after I picked all the kids up, that I am getting my tubes tied. Tie those bad boys up…

And here is my update because I started this blog yesterday…

I went to pick up the boys at bible camp yesterday and the director said ‘I need to talk to you.’ 

Well, I know what that means…

Nicholas decided not to participate. Ok whatever. Vincent on the other hand, was climbing on top of… wait for it… the Virgin Mary and trying to knock her down. Wtf? Let’s not try to hurt Jesus’ mom- like that’s the ultimate. Jesus is going to leave the right hand of God and come down and kick my kids ass.

Until next time,

Check back for any updates on camp… there will probably be more. Maybe the boys will break into the tabernacle.