Pikachu, I Choose You!

So Vincent will be making his First Reconciliation and First Holy Communion this year. He has to do some intense reading and some activities in his workbook.

Best Parts About This:

  1. Seeing the curiosity on Vincent’s face when he learns about Jesus.
  2. Watching him draw a picture of God’s Grace in his workbook.
  3. Finding out that Jesus indeed had a Poke’ball.

All those times I wasn’t sure if God knew what Poke’mon was but it is evident in this picture that Jesus not only gave His life but also gave us Pikachu.

Until next time,

I believe in both Jesus and the power of the Holy Poke’ball.

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It’s Sunday. That Means We go to Church.

So today is Sunday and we go to church and try to pay attention.

Being a Catholic, means that the whole foundation of my Catholic existence is that Jesus died, rose on the third day and will be coming again soon. Hopefully sooner than normal because Trump is playing president. We NEED to be saved.

Either way, the whole basis of my religion is that Jesus is coming. We were singing in mass today, and God forgive me (Catholic guilt right there), forgive me but I can’t remember the song. Either way, it was a song about how Jesus died and will come again.

In the silent pause of the song, Vincent screams out, ‘Jesus isn’t coming! Jesus is dead!’ Yup, clearly he needs to give up charter school and go to Catholic school… only nine more demerits to go.

Until next time,

My kid needs a dose of Catholisim

Let’s at Least Try to Worship Jesus.

So it’s Sunday and that can only mean one thing for this family. This day is our attempt at being Catholic.

It started off with dropping all three children off at Sunday school. I have been waiting for Sunday all week because, let’s face it, no kids in the house meant crazy sex. But alas, I have been waiting all week only to be blue-ovaried by the head of Sunday school asking for our paperwork so Vincent could make his First Holy Communion.

No wonder people stop being catholic- it’s too much paperwork. Anyway, Joe and I don’t have our shit together so we had to go to Staples to print out paperwork and photocopy a baptismal record. Staples didn’t open till 10am and Joe literally waited at the door to photocopy shit.

Now it’s off to church. We had to pick the kids up from Sunday school at 10:15 am and church is in the same parking lot. Explain to me that we were still late for mass? Yup, it should be called the 10:35 am service. 

As we are in mass, we had to do the normal bathroom routine. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Then we are going up to communion and Vincent is screaming, loudly, if he can eat Jesus. Then onto the blood of Christ and he is asking for a sip. We get back to the pew and I said, ‘this is the time to say a prayer and talk to Jesus.’

The kid asked Jesus for a rollercoaster and thanked him for each Pokemon individually. ‘Thank you Jesus for charmander, piccachu, salmander… and I would really like a rollercoaster.’

I lean over and tell him that Jesus is ‘not a genie.’ 

Although, if he was a genie, I would ask for endless alcoholic milkshakes and to make my kids silent at church.

Until next time,

You have two wishes left

It Hasn’t Even Been a Month

I have gone from a working mom to a stay at home mom because I am a school teacher. It hasn’t even been a month and I think I am dying. Here is a list of what my life has been like:

1. I have been sitting on the couch but not alone. Oh no, my kids need to all be touching me. It’s so bad that I have to do five minute intervals of ‘who gets to sit on mommy.’

2. I have gone on one bike ride and lost a child.

3. Vincent asked me to go to McDonald’s and I told him we could go maybe once a month. He just informed me that we went last week which was June and this week was July.

4. The kids are on a swim team. Vincent is the only one that is ready to be in the meets. His freestyle consists of doing the dead man’s float down the lane and hoping for first place… he really is clutch on the relay team.

5. I am constantly in the kitchen… my kids don’t stop eating. I ran out of food.

6. Nicholas won’t stop kissing my feet and he does this weird stripper dance that I find hilarious…. neither thing is connected.

7. Beer has been my summer fling in order to get by.

8. I have watched more Pokemon then I care to ever watch in my lifetime. I finally made up my own Pokemon to piss my son off. His name is Dorito and he has spicy powers.

9. I have taught my kids the following words while frustrated: damn, shit and fuck. 

10. My kids want to know about original sin but only when we are in the car. They have also asked google to show them pictures of Jesus, the Virgin Mary, Adam and Eve and God himself. Thank you Google for having documentation and pictures of the Lord.

Why Did Jesus Die?

“Mommy, why did Jesus die?” -Nicholas

“Because of original sin and so we could get to heaven.” -me

“What’s original sin?” -Nicholas

“Adam and Eve were living in the Garden of Eden and God told them not to eat from the apple tree but the devil came in the shape of a snake and told Eve to do it and she did and fed the apple to Adam and then they were banished and realized they were naked and then they were ashamed and that was all about original sin.” -me

“Ok. Can you tell the story about Adam and Steve again?” -Vincent

“It’s Eve. Not Steve.” -me

“And why were they naked?” -Nicholas

“And why did Adam eat the apple?” -Emily

“Yeah, when I become president, I am going to make a law that you can’t eat apples.” -Vincent

“Yeah, Donald Trumpet should make that law.” -Nicholas

“Mommy, were they green apples?” -Vincent

“No. I think they were Pink Ladies.” –me

“Is the devil in me?” Emily

“Why was the devil a snake?” -Vincent

“Did Adam and Steve get married?” -Nicholas

“Eve. It’s Eve.” -me

Until next time,

That was a cozy bedtime story…

The Sunday Choir 

So the boys have been on a rampage of saying bad words. The words are screamed at a high volume when they are mad or want attention. These words include but are not limited to: stupid, stupid head, butt, butt head, vagina, penis, shut up, dumb, dummies and diarrhea. 

So on the way home from Sunday school, they were saying all these words… I mean you just came from Jesus school. What the hell? So I decided to let them scream all the words they wanted so they could get it out of their system before they got home.

In turn, they started screaming and then their screaming turned into singing and then they started harmonizing with each other. It was a beautiful Sunday chorus of harmonizing butt heads, shut ups and dummies. So sweet and tender.

Until next time,

Youuuuu’re a buuuuutt headddd!

The Inn Keeper

So this Inn keeper denies Mary and Joseph, I believe this is what followed after he received the news that she just gave birth to the Son of God…

1) That man drank… a lot.

2) Reservations went down for his Inn.

3) Because of this, all of the animals died because he had no money.

4) He starved because he had nothing to eat because his livestock died… circle of life my friends.

5) People called him ‘Jack,’ short for Jack ass. 

Moral of the Christmas story: be kind to one another because you never know who you might be helping. For example, having the Son of God possibly being born in your Inn… 

Until next time,

Help one another or you will drink too much, your sales will go down, your livestock will die and then you will die… Jack.