My Kids Are Wearing Me Down

Being a stay at home mom is the toughest job ever. I just looked at myself in the mirror. I am fat, disheveled and I ate chocolate chips for lunch. 

My kids are driving me nuts and I love them but there are a few reasons that they are getting on my nerves…

1) Vincent had appendicitis a couple weeks ago. He had it on the day we were leaving for the beach. After surgery he wasn’t allowed in the ocean or pool. He turned to me on vacation and said, ‘you guys owe me a four day vacation because I had surgery.’

-listen kid. You just cost me like three giant medical bills. You owe me a vacation.

2) The constant whining. I don’t feel good today and I offered them to have a snack for lunch and they are whining about it. 

-Eat chips… they are made from potatoes and I am pretty sure those chocolate chips you are eating are made with dairy. Plus chocolate has a cancer fighting mechanism… you’re welcome.

3) Barbies. I am constantly playing Barbies but I am usually Barbies dog who doesn’t know how to talk.

-Ok… can I have a speaking role? I think I am ready.

4) The insults. My kids call each other stupid head. ALL. DAY. LONG.

-Step it up a notch. Try stupid mother fucker and see how much more effective that is.

5) Constant eating. Where is it going? Sometimes we just run out of food. My tiny people need to learn how to ration.

-Godforbid we are in some kind of zombie apocalypse situation. They are not allowed in my bunker because they will eat our supply in a few hours.

6) Screen time. I am sick of regulating it. Just watch it so I can have some peace.

-Honestly, I think they learn more from screen than me. The boys just gave me the definition of immune. Thank you Lion Gaurd and Disney Junior!

7) I am tired of being a human couch. My three kids just have to sit on me. It is so bad that we have to rotate every five minutes.

-I finally wised up and put in a fourth five minute interval for mommy time. I am living it up for five minutes in every twenty minute rotation.

8) Pooping. I can’t wait to go back to work so I can poop alone. Right now they find me. I don’t know how and I don’t know why but they know my every move.

-They come to tell me the following: their hopes, their dreams, the best part of their day! They share with me what they are eating and drinking. How hungry they are and if I want to play with them. All this while I am wiping my ass.

9) Three square meals a day. They don’t want three… it’s more like we never leave the kitchen. I put this in twice, not because I am running out of material but because people need to prepare if they have children.

-Prepare. Prepare to spend money on food and still share everything that is on your plate.

10) Pretending to be active. We go on walks and bike rides that last at least an hour.

-We are actually only going around a long block but there is so much whining and crying that it takes extra long. Then we have to collect rocks and leaves and sticks to throw in the creek. Someone is always falling off their bike or having a near miss with a car no matter how many times I tell them to stay next to the curb.

Just to prove that I have one more left…

11) Fighting about clothes. My kids just can’t get their shit together. They wear shorts for two weeks at a time, Vincent prefers to wear his shirts inside out and sometime backwards… He claims he is waiting for snow since that is what we do before a big snowfall. I don’t even know when my kids last changed their underwear.

-I guess I am leaving their laundry up to mutual good faith. I know that we taught them all the right rules about changing their clothes and I am certain that they are not doing it. I guess that shower once a week will help with the smell.

Until next time,

Pass me the chocolate chips

A Snow Day with My Kids

Emily was up last night with a cough and cold so I was up all night long with her. Then, today, I was so thankful that there was a snow day because I was extremely exhausted. This is how my day has been so far…

1) I fell asleep on the couch and my kids collectively ate eight Rice Krispie treats. It was 9 am.

2) I have watched the movie Trolls twice. Little does my husband know that I rented a movie for $3.99. He is a movie renter hater.

3) I watched a ton of Pokémon. They tell me to catch them all but I don’t want to.

4) Emily wiped her runny nose on me… twice.

5) My kids had to make Valentine’s for each of their peers. That was 72 Valentine’s Day cards. Watching them write was giving me ocd. 

6) They wanted hot chocolate and we don’t have that so I just warmed up chocolate milk and called it a day.

7) They complained about the chicken nuggets I made for lunch. Listen, in my day it was peanut butter and jelly so shut your traps because you just ate like 2.3 Rice Krispie treats.  

8) My kids didn’t want to play outside. It’s snowing. Be a kid.

9) We had an argument about who won the superbowl. Yes, I was in an argument with my seven year old.

10) Coffee usually helps me to deal with life but I need like a pot of coffee, a fire and maybe some Bailey’s. Who wants a join me?

Until next time,

I need a nap but first, let me eat this Rice Krispie treat.

Epic Parenting

All during the Christmas break we have been pressing Vincent to do his extra homework. It was basically a Bingo sheet with cute, little jobs or homework, like cleaning his room or reading for twenty minutes.

Well, Vincent refused to do his homework till yesterday and then he procrastinated and wanted to finish the rest of his Bingo board in his before care program. 

And to top off this morning, Vincent couldn’t find his binder with all of his work in it. It was a hell of a break and one heck of a morning looking for a damn binder and nagging my son about the importance of homework. 

So, I picked him up this evening and asked him if he finished his Bingo sheet. He looked at me and smiled and said, 

‘Yup! I got five in and row and I left my binder at school over the break, so I didn’t lose it! And guess what?! I found my Bingo sheet in my binder… I did Nicholas’ homework! I helped Nicholas get five in a row!’

Great. All that nagging about how homework and education is important and my boys are cheating in kindergarten and 2nd grade…

Until next time, 

Let’s change that D into a solid B… do you have a red pen?

Well That was Unexpected. 

Whenever your kids cry you always get worried. You panic and your heart starts to race because you don’t want them ever to feel pain.

However, today, Emily started screaming for what we thought, was because of her brothers, until she came up the stairs to see us. My daughter put an automatic car on her head and pressed the on button and it tied her hair in all the wheels. After much crying and much devastation we had to cut her little hair. What the hell?

Why would you put an automatic car on her head and press the go button? 

That was definitely an unexpected way to start a morning but she got a free haircut. 

Until next time, 

Don’t press go.

The Cold, Hard, Truth.

This is just going to be an honest post about children.

1) They change your life. Old people say for the better, but people who have kids want to punch those old people in the face.

2) They climb on you like you are playground equipment. I’m like the cheap plastic kind that slowly fades colors because just like the sunlight sucks the life out of that playground equipment, my children suck the life out of me.

3) You can’t take a crap without an audience. When I am sitting on the porcelain throne, there are vendors selling foam fingers. 

4) No matter the age, the kids wake you up just to mess with your brain. Listen, I don’t care if you’re afraid of the dark… it’s probably because your eyes were closed.

5) One of the kids is currently scared of the decorations in his room. Wtf… they’re stickers.

6) Nothing you make for dinner is good enough. Tonight one of the kids wanted a bagel. When I said, ‘what do you want on your bagel?,’ the response was ‘waaaah! I don’t want a bagel!’ …do you know why bagels have a hole in the middle? Because the person who designed the bagel was a woman who hit her child over the head with the dough. That’s a head hole.

7) If I have to clean the sides of the toliet because someone didn’t hold their penis, they will all be peeing in the forest like animals and we don’t have a forest.

8) Caillou. Enough said.

9) Sex. What’s that? Oh, it’s like Haley’s comet. It comes like once every billion years and only if you are lucky and have the right lighting, the moon is full, the deers are prancing, while the bears are hibernating, and the temperature is like 72° Fahrenheit and the earth is tilted like 82° towards the sun. It’s rare and probably will be destroyed by someone being afraid of the dark.

10) The word mommy should be banned from the vocabulary of all children. I could seriously be balancing all the food the kids don’t want for dinner, while taking a crap, while talking to old people about how these are my golden years and one of my kids would look at me and still say ‘mommy, I need…’

Until next time,

These aren’t the Golden years… these are the dark years. The Dark years…It’s so dark…

Playland at McDonald’s 

Ok, so here I am at the Playland at McDonald’s. A place where the kids can play and they are basically contained outside in a giant play cage, equipped with netting. I personally think it should be equipped with bars and an electric fence for parents that just need a break but that might just be my opinion.

So here I am writing this blog and my kids are getting on my nerves from afar. 

It started with Vincent barking loudly and deeply at a bird. Except it was next to this poor couple that practically peed their pants while trying to open up their cheeseburgers. These poor people jumped out of their seats and awkwardly stared at my child… I awkwardly stared at him. So yeah, then I had to publicly claim him as my own.

Then it went to my kids screaming through the the microphone thing at another kid. The poor kid was saying ‘hi’ and then waiting for a response. As the little boy was putting his ear up to the microphone, my kids were screaming at a high pitched sound that the dead could still hear and probably busted this kid’s eardrum. In my kids defense, the little boy did this several times and my kids lined up to scream in his ear. Fool him once shame on him, fool him two more times, because I have two more kids… well, you have to learn child.

Now, Vincent is screaming ‘mom’ and it’s really annoying. But the reason it’s so annoying is because I keep saying ‘what’ only to find out that my kids are playing baby and the ‘mom’ is currently Emily.

Yes, my kids can be annoying at a play yard…even outside. Take stock in metal. Between me and Trump’s plans to build a ‘huge wall,’ you will probably make millions. Also, take stock in electric fence stuff… or tazers… I might add that to my stock pile.

Until next time,

I will also invest in earplugs. I am feeling generous so I might give some to the little boy who probably broke his eardrum.