Kids, Listen!

I will do anything to get my kids to listen to me… anything.

The other day I was with my middle son, Nicholas, and I was trying to get our oldest son, Vincent, to listen to me. And this is how it went…

‘Vincent, get your shoes on!’ -me

<silence>

‘Vincent, get your shoes on!’ -me

<silence>

…in a deep Godlike voice…

‘Vincent, this is God…’ -me

‘And his sidekick, Jesus… put on your shoes…’ -Nicholas

Until next time,

The Holy Spirit is my home slice.

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The Reality of Mother’s Day.

1) I woke up at 7am to a little body sharing my bed and stealing the whole bed.

2) It must have been because last night, the kids slept in the tent. When Nicholas woke me up today, he said he couldn’t sleep in the tent because there was sand in the tent from the beach. As I rolled around, I was covered with past grains of sand from the beach- it’s the gift that never disappears.

3) Nicholas tried to pick my boogers and then when he couldn’t find any, he picked his own boogers and threw them on my bed.

4) Nicholas kept trying to poke my breasts and kept calling them boobies. Thanks Aunt Lisa and Uncle Chris because I spent seven years using the word, ‘breast.’ And one time at your house and he is talking about boobies.

5) My kids brought me breakfast in bed and it consisted of six dry bagels, a chocolate bar, three jolly rangers, a tootsie roll and expired white milk.

6) I was still able to play referee when my children were killing each other. Man, a day without being a ref wouldn’t be a day.

7) I was able to come down stairs to two sink-fulls of dirty dishes and I couldn’t be more thrilled. Oh and as a bonus, I also was able to unload the dishwasher. And as a real good kick in the fun factor, my husband came down to ask me why I did the dishes and told me that, ‘he was going to do it later.’

8) My kids asked me for something and when I said no, they so lovingly called me dumb. Do you have a death wish kids? I brought you into this world and I can take you out. Yes, I am old enough to use this cliche.

9) You know it’s mother’s day when one child hangs on you and repeatedly asks the same question in that whiny voice. Is it really mother’s day or just another typical Sunday? Why use labels?

10) You know it’s mother’s day when your in-laws give you a beautiful potted plant that you swear, much like the last seventeen years, that you will plant. And deep down in your heart, you know that plant will perish between the gutter and the stoop. This is why I can’t have nice things.

Until next time,

Happy Sunday, err, I mean Mother’s day to all those women out there. Whether you are a mentor, a fur baby mama or a mom to small humans, you mean everything to someone. 💗

Church Escapades: the Lost Files.

So it has been a while since I have talked about my three young children, ages nine, seven and five, at church. Church is still a hassle because I spend more time disciplining than listening. So here is today’s adventure.

1) The kids cried from the parking lot to the church that they didn’t want to go to mass. Most kids say they don’t want to go because it’s boring. My kids cried because it was too cold outside and this was the justification of why they didn’t want to go. Yeah, makes total sense.

2) In the middle of mass, Vincent pulled a rock out of his jacket. It wasn’t a rock, it was a boulder. And not just any boulder, but one that had his name on it. Written in old world viking language. Wtf?

3) Vincent made Nicholas laugh so hard that the kid snorted. And he snorted out a giant pile of snot. And he was sitting on my lap and I didn’t have tissues. So naturally, I used my hands and then Joe, my husband, looked at me and held out his hand. Not knowing what had happened with Nicholas, I just gently passed off a handful of snot and then we both rubbed it in like lotion. I guess this explains why no one shook our hand at the Peace Be With You part of mass.

4) Nicholas and Vincent finally settled down during the consecration of the Eucharist. When the priest sang, ‘the Mystery of Faith,’ both boys sang with him but changed it to their version which is ‘Mystery of Face.’

5) Then the priest raises Jesus to the heavens and starts to chant, except his chant is in stereo because both boys are singing with him… ‘in the unity of the Holy Spirit, one God forever and ever.’ They did so well, I am considering asking the priest if he needs backup singers on the alter every Sunday.

6) I guess Nicholas got bored with chanting and he leans over to the other pew and is playing with what I can only assume is a fuzzy. No, it wasn’t. It was a nail. A human nail. And no, it wasn’t ours.

7) I told him to put it down because that was beyond disgusting and instead he named it. ‘Mommy, this nail is pum-pum.’ So gross but I tried to keep my cool.

8) Then he reached over and found another nail and looked up and me and said, ‘this is pum-pum. And this one is pum-pum junior.’ Well, that was when I busted out laughing.

9) So clearly he isn’t listening as I am telling him that these human nails could be cased with disease. I look over and he has one nail on each hand and he is whispering to himself. ‘Hello pum-pum. Hello pum-pum junior. I now baptize you. Yaaaay.’ Seriously, what is happening.

10) As we are leaving, I finally get a chance to wipe off Nicholas and he starts to cry about me killing pum-pum. So I broke of my nail and gave it to him and he said, ‘this isn’t pum-pum. It doesn’t look anything like him.’

Until next time,

Throw your nails in the trash like a decent human or train your kids about human waste.

Snow Day- Part 2… The Friday Edition

And here we are again… another chance to prove that if I take my life minute by minute I can survive being with my children without alcohol. The dumbest thing I gave up for the new year is drinking… I now have no escape.

Today’s adventures included a lot of the same things as yesterday… it’s like groundhog’s day but Bill Murray is no where in sight. 

1) This morning started at 2:25am when Emily woke me up to put her slippers back on. I walked her back to bed and as I went to slip her slipper back on like the Cinderella she is, she whispered to me, ‘nevermind, I don’t want my slippers on.’

Cool. I am glad you woke me up.

2) My kids wanted to go outside. I tried to explain frostbite to them… it didn’t go well. They played outside for 15 whole minutes. I stayed inside in my pajamas drinking hot coffee like a trooper.

3) Well, it finally happened. Vincent murdered the Ivory soap and dismembered the body. 

4) I needed to take a bath because I was freezing and I needed to get away from the little people. I was in the bathtub for 10 minutes and fell asleep. I woke up to Emily getting in the bathtub with me so we could play mermaids. No, nothing weird about that. Fast forward to twenty years down the road and Emily is telling a therapist that it all started with her mom…

5) I asked the kids to let me have quiet time. The rules were that I could take a nap without anyone waking me up and the other rule was they were not allowed to fight. I was woken up to see if they could have a popsicle, cut open the popsicle, open a bag of carrots and find the ranch dressing. Man, I never felt so refreshed. There is something invigorating about being woken up every ten minutes.

6) Emily got like ten new canisters of Play-doh for Christmas. I hate the stuff because it smells weird so like any good mom, I let it dry out if they don’t put it away. I am hoping that we will have zero canisters by tomorrow. I will be praying to sweet baby Jesus this evening.

7) Speaking of Play-doh, my kids thought it was a good idea to put the Play-doh all over my face. It was like a mud mask but the kid version. As I am telling Vincent I hate it, he is deeply breathing into a handful of Play-doh and telling me it smells like paradise. Ok, weirdo.

8) Currently, my kids are playing some zombie game and are eating each other’s brains. But naturally we have to do this in complete darkness. My house looks like it is not occupied. 

… this is my current view from my couch… it is also the way my soul feels being home with these kids today.

9) They are saying weird things… right now it is, ‘lightness is arising.’ What? Guaranteed they will all have nightmares tonight.

10) We just left to go out to dinner. Temperatures are in the single digits and once everyone was belted in, Vincent let us know he didn’t have any shoes on. It’s. Single. Digit. Temperatures. Doesn’t your body switch on and let you know you are cold?

Until next time,

It’s only January 5th and I can see myself breaking my New Year’s resolution already. Like pretty hardcore. Body shots and shit.

Snow Day: Part 1

I wrote this late on Thursday… So  apparently snowmageddon has come to the east coast. However, living in New Hampshire for five years makes me laugh at the people back in my area now. I mean it may have snowed three inches and they have cancelled school today and tomorrow. I am not complaining because I love it but I don’t know if I love it with my kids because that’s like a straight 48 hours of entertaining. If you are saying to yourself, ‘wait… I am sure your kids sleep’, you are dead wrong because they all wake up to tell me it’s too dark. Wtf? Of course it’s dark… it’s Jesus’ way to remind you that he wants you to sleep and not bother your parents.

So all of you know I love lists, so here is a list of all the fun things that happened today (Thursday)…

1) I came downstairs because my kids wanted breakfast. I begrudgingly got up only to find that my daughter had a bell around her neck. So everytime I lost her, I just would listen for the bell. It’s like an old school gps. ‘You’re daughter is .25 miles on the left. You have reached your daughter.’

2) So I made pancakes for my children and I always make them different characters and shapes. Nicholas wanted a giant moon, Vincent wanted a gingerbread man and Emily requested an angel and Jesus. Yes, nothing is more sacrilegious about making Jesus out of pancakes.

3) Joe, my husband, had to go to work… sucker! Or was he? Honestly, I am not sure because as I am texting him, Nicholas is editing my text messages.

4) Then Joe asked me how it was going… I was by myself for literally 15 seconds before this happened…

…Yes, we are on a love seat. And we have two sets of furniture and they each have their own rooms but they are sitting on my head.

5) As we are sitting together on the love seat, Nicholas wanted to ask Google how the earth’s crust was created. That also led to Emily asking questions to Google and then she looked off into the distance and said, ‘it’s like someone is talking to us…’ At that point, I literally saw a five year olds mind blown.

6) After the kids were finished being curious, they started complimenting Google on how cute and sweet she is. Google said that they were nice and their compliments were making her blush. What. The. Hell… my kids called me fat today and I gave fucking birth to them. Fine, fine, let Google get you milk and juice. 

7) My New Year’s resolution this year is to get more healthy. I was proud that we all got involved with exercise. So, basically my kids used my twisting board for sleds…

8) Joe took the kids to cub scouts the other night and Vincent has to learn to widdle for a badge. As he was leaving this morning for work, he told me that I needed to help Vincent widdle. Have you ever had to teach a kid to slow down, chew on a piece of straw, while sitting on the porch to widdle a bar of soap who has ADHD? Yeah, me either because I came in from outside to him attempting to widdle. 

…my son basically murdered a bar of Ivory soap. Good news… my kitchen isn’t clean but it sure smells like it is. Bad news… I can’t get it off my fucking black counters.

9) At lunch time I had a bowl of homemade Chicken soup. Every kid wanted some because why would I be able to eat something alone? I told each lovely child that they were going to have it for dinner. Everyone cheered… then I made it for dinner and everyone cried.

10) I am on a shake diet. I know, I know… sucks right? But what doesn’t suck is when your daughter dresses up your shakes with some fashionable earrings. Wtf? Seriously, I can’t even. Although, I wouldn’t mind if I had an eggroll that was wearing a tiny top hat. 

Stay tuned for my update of Snow Day: Part 2… the Friday edition.

Until next time,

Just a parent needing a vacation and a sensible shake with a little umbrella.

Let’s at Least Try to Worship Jesus.

So it’s Sunday and that can only mean one thing for this family. This day is our attempt at being Catholic.

It started off with dropping all three children off at Sunday school. I have been waiting for Sunday all week because, let’s face it, no kids in the house meant crazy sex. But alas, I have been waiting all week only to be blue-ovaried by the head of Sunday school asking for our paperwork so Vincent could make his First Holy Communion.

No wonder people stop being catholic- it’s too much paperwork. Anyway, Joe and I don’t have our shit together so we had to go to Staples to print out paperwork and photocopy a baptismal record. Staples didn’t open till 10am and Joe literally waited at the door to photocopy shit.

Now it’s off to church. We had to pick the kids up from Sunday school at 10:15 am and church is in the same parking lot. Explain to me that we were still late for mass? Yup, it should be called the 10:35 am service. 

As we are in mass, we had to do the normal bathroom routine. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Then we are going up to communion and Vincent is screaming, loudly, if he can eat Jesus. Then onto the blood of Christ and he is asking for a sip. We get back to the pew and I said, ‘this is the time to say a prayer and talk to Jesus.’

The kid asked Jesus for a rollercoaster and thanked him for each Pokemon individually. ‘Thank you Jesus for charmander, piccachu, salmander… and I would really like a rollercoaster.’

I lean over and tell him that Jesus is ‘not a genie.’ 

Although, if he was a genie, I would ask for endless alcoholic milkshakes and to make my kids silent at church.

Until next time,

You have two wishes left

Having Children: Fantasy vs. Reality

For most people, having children is a wonderful dream; one filled with wonder and love and the agony of defeat. For those who choose not to have children, well, good for you. You have freedom and probably nine cats.

So what did I think children would be like versus what it actually is… let me show you.

1) Fantasy: I will have kids and they will love me unconditionally no matter what. 

Reality: I said ‘no’ and was told that I was stupid and I am pretty sure someone spit on me and I better sleep with one eye open.

2) Fantasy: I am going to the bathroom to take a crap that I have been holding in all day. It will be the greatest crap in the history of craps.

Reality: I just pulled down my pants. The kids are killing each other outside the door and one child is begging to come in because their life depends on it. Now they are in the bathroom, sitting on the stool sharing their life story.

3) Fantasy: I will make healthy meals for my children which will include all the food groups. I will also grow my own garden and till the land.

Reality: I found some outdated mac n’ cheese. It smelled weird but they will be ok.

4) Fantasy: I will rock my children to sleep every night and we will lock eyes until they peacefully fall asleep.

Reality: Screaming at them to get in their beds while I drink a beer to keep my sanity.

5) Fantasy: I am going to give up my wild life style so my family and I can have game night.

Reality: Get me out. I just want to drink and listen to a band and throw my bra on stage.

6) Fantasy: I will love playing wonderful games with my children and I will pray that this time will never end.

Reality: Dear God when will I stop being the dog during Barbies? My only line is woof.

7) Fantasy: My house will be so clean and organized.

Reality: I can’t see the floor and I haven’t seen one of my kids for a few days…

8) Fantasy: I will lose all of that baby weight and get in shape after this beautiful bundle of joy enters the world.

Reality: umm, yeah, five years later… still fat.

9) Fantasy: After the kids are here me and my husband will still have a beautiful and romantic sex life.

Reality: <roll over> So… you wanna do it?

10) Freedom: Kids will not change my life. I will always have this great freedom forever.

Reality: I have no freedom and even when I try to take a break, my kids find me. It doesn’t matter if they didn’t need me for hours, they need me now. They are sitting on me, laying on me, hanging out with me in the bathroom, always want my food, won’t let me sleep and are constantly sitting on my head like a hat.

So there it is… they can be cute and there are sweet moments but your life changes and you are forced to be the dog when you play Barbies… you used to be the Barbie but not anymore… not anymore.

Until next time,

Let me have a beer and think about my choices.