Let’s at Least Try to Worship Jesus.

So it’s Sunday and that can only mean one thing for this family. This day is our attempt at being Catholic.

It started off with dropping all three children off at Sunday school. I have been waiting for Sunday all week because, let’s face it, no kids in the house meant crazy sex. But alas, I have been waiting all week only to be blue-ovaried by the head of Sunday school asking for our paperwork so Vincent could make his First Holy Communion.

No wonder people stop being catholic- it’s too much paperwork. Anyway, Joe and I don’t have our shit together so we had to go to Staples to print out paperwork and photocopy a baptismal record. Staples didn’t open till 10am and Joe literally waited at the door to photocopy shit.

Now it’s off to church. We had to pick the kids up from Sunday school at 10:15 am and church is in the same parking lot. Explain to me that we were still late for mass? Yup, it should be called the 10:35 am service. 

As we are in mass, we had to do the normal bathroom routine. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Then we are going up to communion and Vincent is screaming, loudly, if he can eat Jesus. Then onto the blood of Christ and he is asking for a sip. We get back to the pew and I said, ‘this is the time to say a prayer and talk to Jesus.’

The kid asked Jesus for a rollercoaster and thanked him for each Pokemon individually. ‘Thank you Jesus for charmander, piccachu, salmander… and I would really like a rollercoaster.’

I lean over and tell him that Jesus is ‘not a genie.’ 

Although, if he was a genie, I would ask for endless alcoholic milkshakes and to make my kids silent at church.

Until next time,

You have two wishes left

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Having Children: Fantasy vs. Reality

For most people, having children is a wonderful dream; one filled with wonder and love and the agony of defeat. For those who choose not to have children, well, good for you. You have freedom and probably nine cats.

So what did I think children would be like versus what it actually is… let me show you.

1) Fantasy: I will have kids and they will love me unconditionally no matter what. 

Reality: I said ‘no’ and was told that I was stupid and I am pretty sure someone spit on me and I better sleep with one eye open.

2) Fantasy: I am going to the bathroom to take a crap that I have been holding in all day. It will be the greatest crap in the history of craps.

Reality: I just pulled down my pants. The kids are killing each other outside the door and one child is begging to come in because their life depends on it. Now they are in the bathroom, sitting on the stool sharing their life story.

3) Fantasy: I will make healthy meals for my children which will include all the food groups. I will also grow my own garden and till the land.

Reality: I found some outdated mac n’ cheese. It smelled weird but they will be ok.

4) Fantasy: I will rock my children to sleep every night and we will lock eyes until they peacefully fall asleep.

Reality: Screaming at them to get in their beds while I drink a beer to keep my sanity.

5) Fantasy: I am going to give up my wild life style so my family and I can have game night.

Reality: Get me out. I just want to drink and listen to a band and throw my bra on stage.

6) Fantasy: I will love playing wonderful games with my children and I will pray that this time will never end.

Reality: Dear God when will I stop being the dog during Barbies? My only line is woof.

7) Fantasy: My house will be so clean and organized.

Reality: I can’t see the floor and I haven’t seen one of my kids for a few days…

8) Fantasy: I will lose all of that baby weight and get in shape after this beautiful bundle of joy enters the world.

Reality: umm, yeah, five years later… still fat.

9) Fantasy: After the kids are here me and my husband will still have a beautiful and romantic sex life.

Reality: <roll over> So… you wanna do it?

10) Freedom: Kids will not change my life. I will always have this great freedom forever.

Reality: I have no freedom and even when I try to take a break, my kids find me. It doesn’t matter if they didn’t need me for hours, they need me now. They are sitting on me, laying on me, hanging out with me in the bathroom, always want my food, won’t let me sleep and are constantly sitting on my head like a hat.

So there it is… they can be cute and there are sweet moments but your life changes and you are forced to be the dog when you play Barbies… you used to be the Barbie but not anymore… not anymore.

Until next time,

Let me have a beer and think about my choices.

My Kids Are Wearing Me Down

Being a stay at home mom is the toughest job ever. I just looked at myself in the mirror. I am fat, disheveled and I ate chocolate chips for lunch. 

My kids are driving me nuts and I love them but there are a few reasons that they are getting on my nerves…

1) Vincent had appendicitis a couple weeks ago. He had it on the day we were leaving for the beach. After surgery he wasn’t allowed in the ocean or pool. He turned to me on vacation and said, ‘you guys owe me a four day vacation because I had surgery.’

-listen kid. You just cost me like three giant medical bills. You owe me a vacation.

2) The constant whining. I don’t feel good today and I offered them to have a snack for lunch and they are whining about it. 

-Eat chips… they are made from potatoes and I am pretty sure those chocolate chips you are eating are made with dairy. Plus chocolate has a cancer fighting mechanism… you’re welcome.

3) Barbies. I am constantly playing Barbies but I am usually Barbies dog who doesn’t know how to talk.

-Ok… can I have a speaking role? I think I am ready.

4) The insults. My kids call each other stupid head. ALL. DAY. LONG.

-Step it up a notch. Try stupid mother fucker and see how much more effective that is.

5) Constant eating. Where is it going? Sometimes we just run out of food. My tiny people need to learn how to ration.

-Godforbid we are in some kind of zombie apocalypse situation. They are not allowed in my bunker because they will eat our supply in a few hours.

6) Screen time. I am sick of regulating it. Just watch it so I can have some peace.

-Honestly, I think they learn more from screen than me. The boys just gave me the definition of immune. Thank you Lion Gaurd and Disney Junior!

7) I am tired of being a human couch. My three kids just have to sit on me. It is so bad that we have to rotate every five minutes.

-I finally wised up and put in a fourth five minute interval for mommy time. I am living it up for five minutes in every twenty minute rotation.

8) Pooping. I can’t wait to go back to work so I can poop alone. Right now they find me. I don’t know how and I don’t know why but they know my every move.

-They come to tell me the following: their hopes, their dreams, the best part of their day! They share with me what they are eating and drinking. How hungry they are and if I want to play with them. All this while I am wiping my ass.

9) Three square meals a day. They don’t want three… it’s more like we never leave the kitchen. I put this in twice, not because I am running out of material but because people need to prepare if they have children.

-Prepare. Prepare to spend money on food and still share everything that is on your plate.

10) Pretending to be active. We go on walks and bike rides that last at least an hour.

-We are actually only going around a long block but there is so much whining and crying that it takes extra long. Then we have to collect rocks and leaves and sticks to throw in the creek. Someone is always falling off their bike or having a near miss with a car no matter how many times I tell them to stay next to the curb.

Just to prove that I have one more left…

11) Fighting about clothes. My kids just can’t get their shit together. They wear shorts for two weeks at a time, Vincent prefers to wear his shirts inside out and sometime backwards… He claims he is waiting for snow since that is what we do before a big snowfall. I don’t even know when my kids last changed their underwear.

-I guess I am leaving their laundry up to mutual good faith. I know that we taught them all the right rules about changing their clothes and I am certain that they are not doing it. I guess that shower once a week will help with the smell.

Until next time,

Pass me the chocolate chips

A Snow Day with My Kids

Emily was up last night with a cough and cold so I was up all night long with her. Then, today, I was so thankful that there was a snow day because I was extremely exhausted. This is how my day has been so far…

1) I fell asleep on the couch and my kids collectively ate eight Rice Krispie treats. It was 9 am.

2) I have watched the movie Trolls twice. Little does my husband know that I rented a movie for $3.99. He is a movie renter hater.

3) I watched a ton of Pokémon. They tell me to catch them all but I don’t want to.

4) Emily wiped her runny nose on me… twice.

5) My kids had to make Valentine’s for each of their peers. That was 72 Valentine’s Day cards. Watching them write was giving me ocd. 

6) They wanted hot chocolate and we don’t have that so I just warmed up chocolate milk and called it a day.

7) They complained about the chicken nuggets I made for lunch. Listen, in my day it was peanut butter and jelly so shut your traps because you just ate like 2.3 Rice Krispie treats.  

8) My kids didn’t want to play outside. It’s snowing. Be a kid.

9) We had an argument about who won the superbowl. Yes, I was in an argument with my seven year old.

10) Coffee usually helps me to deal with life but I need like a pot of coffee, a fire and maybe some Bailey’s. Who wants a join me?

Until next time,

I need a nap but first, let me eat this Rice Krispie treat.

Epic Parenting

All during the Christmas break we have been pressing Vincent to do his extra homework. It was basically a Bingo sheet with cute, little jobs or homework, like cleaning his room or reading for twenty minutes.

Well, Vincent refused to do his homework till yesterday and then he procrastinated and wanted to finish the rest of his Bingo board in his before care program. 

And to top off this morning, Vincent couldn’t find his binder with all of his work in it. It was a hell of a break and one heck of a morning looking for a damn binder and nagging my son about the importance of homework. 

So, I picked him up this evening and asked him if he finished his Bingo sheet. He looked at me and smiled and said, 

‘Yup! I got five in and row and I left my binder at school over the break, so I didn’t lose it! And guess what?! I found my Bingo sheet in my binder… I did Nicholas’ homework! I helped Nicholas get five in a row!’

Great. All that nagging about how homework and education is important and my boys are cheating in kindergarten and 2nd grade…

Until next time, 

Let’s change that D into a solid B… do you have a red pen?

Well That was Unexpected. 

Whenever your kids cry you always get worried. You panic and your heart starts to race because you don’t want them ever to feel pain.

However, today, Emily started screaming for what we thought, was because of her brothers, until she came up the stairs to see us. My daughter put an automatic car on her head and pressed the on button and it tied her hair in all the wheels. After much crying and much devastation we had to cut her little hair. What the hell?

Why would you put an automatic car on her head and press the go button? 

That was definitely an unexpected way to start a morning but she got a free haircut. 

Until next time, 

Don’t press go.