My Triumphs and My Big, Fat Failures as a Parent

So today was Sunday and that can only mean three things: Sunday School, Mass and cleaning the house.

Today is a list of triumphs and failures and this list was just from today. Pay attention and maybe you will feel better after reading about my Sunday.

1) My biggest joy and triumph was my awesome husband. He woke me up this morning and instead of killing him, he lovingly asked if I wanted to turn off his Sunday alarm. Yes people, today was the kids last day of Sunday school for the year!

➡Triumph because now I can sleep in again.

2) And as quickly as I celebrated, my husband turned around and said, ‘yeah, but there goes an hour and a half of free babysitting.’

➡ A sad failure and realization that my kids are all mine every Sunday until the fall.

3) Joe realized we didn’t get the kids Sunday school teachers a thank you gift so I was going to pick one up before I picked up my kids in the late morning. As I am driving them to Sunday school, I realized that I don’t know any of their teachers names. There are six teachers and I couldn’t even tell you a ‘it sounds like.’

➡Parental failure that you hope your kids will never inherit from you.

4) I thought I would just ask the kids who their teachers were so I could write their names on the cards. Emily and Vincent knew all their teachers and then Nicholas was like… yeah, I have no idea.

➡Damn, he picked up my parental fail from number 3 real quick.

5) As I am leaving Sunday school, I am high fiving other parents that I don’t know and I am screaming how this is the best day ever while in the church parking lot.

➡I look at this as a parental win because I made other parents feel good. However, they reluctantly high fived me and I wonder if it was the lack of babysitting thing or the fact that I looked like a psycho.

6) Usually all three kids are crazy at mass and all I want them to do is to pay attention. Today, two our of the three fell asleep on me. Why is everything so black and white? Why can’t we just have a low key mass where no one is playing with human nails or snoring on me?

➡Parental win. At least they were quiet and not crawling with disease this week. (Read Church Escapades: the Lost Files, if you are confused.)

7) We are doing spring cleaning and I decided to knock down a wasps nest in the middle of the day. I wanted to get it down but I was also fearing death. Emily was with me and I told her to get ready to outrun the wasps, you know, just in case.

➡Parenting win because I told her to put down the pruning sheers before she had to outrun the wasps. Safety first.

8) We are having a party for Vincent next weekend and I am supposed to make bbq pulled chicken. I went to put the chicken in the crockpot only to realize that we didn’t have any bbq sauce. Being lazy, I didn’t want to go to the store so I just pulled out all our McDonald’s sauces. There is bbq, sweet and sour and szechuan sauce on my chicken. If anyone asks, I am calling it the McDonald’s special.

➡A resourceful parenting win if you ask me.

9) I took Emily and Nicholas out for new shoes because their shoes are getting too small. Emily kept saying that she wanted Sketchers. I assumed it was because Nicholas already has Sketchers and then we are leaving the store empty handed and Emily says, ‘man, I really want Sketchers because of the memory foam.’

‘Uhh, where did you hear that?’ -me

‘Oh, I heard it on tv.’ -Emily

➡Clearly a parenting win because she already knows what she wants and the tv is doing a good job babysitting my children and the tv costs nothing to watch my kids.

10) Vincent was upset he wasn’t getting new shoes and I told him that I was going to let him pick dinner and I would get him some Chinese food. He was so excited!

➡Parenting win because Joe and I decided we wanted Chinese an hour before and Vincent thinks it was his choice.

Until next time,

➡Always remember that life is full of triumphs and failures and we never know who is having what type of day. Always high five that stranger and act psycho in that parking lot. Maybe you will make someone’s day a little brighter.

🎵The more you know...🎵


Hot Boxing

‘Nicholas, did you fart because it smells like McDonald’s.’ -me

‘No…’ -Nicholas

‘Seriously dude, you have the blanket on and you are hot boxing the whole house… I mean dutch ovening!’ -me

‘What’s hot boxing?’ -Nicholas

‘…..’ -me

Until next time,

Just say, ‘no.’


Yesterday I was driving Vincent to McDonald’s before school. Some guy in a truck was going so slow and I tried to go around him to get in the other drive-thru lane at McDonald’s. Well, because of my rage, I missed the entrance lane to the drive-thru and screamed ‘fuck’ in front of my seven year old. Then I turned to him and told him ‘never to say that word ever. It’s the baddest of the bad bad words.’

Fucking road rage.

Until next time,

Get out of my lane… I’m fucking late. Whoops… sorry, I slipped again.

Let’s Stop Being Douche Bags

I do my best not to brag when I do a good deed but today’s good deed made me so angry and upset all at once.

There was a man who had up the typical sign that he was homeless and needed help. Car after car whizzed by him or ignored him when they came to a stop. We just had the holidays- we are supposed to be giving and caring at this time yet we are all too busy to actually see another human in need.

Today’s good deed was brought to you by my son. He actually saw the man before I did and asked me if we could get him something to eat. I asked the man what he wanted and it was just a Big Mac from McDonalds; a freaking Big Mac. Seriously, like you all couldn’t roll down the window to get a meal for this man? My five year old is better than you.

Once we got to McDonalds, my son saw his wife asking for the same help and when I asked her what she wanted, she just wanted a drink because she had just eaten and didn’t want the food to go to waste. She wanted a drink. So as you are all in line for you number 1’s and number 5’s, you couldn’t get her a sweet tea? I gave her my coat because I had nothing else to give this woman and that made me sad because she doesn’t have the basic needs that we all must have to feel human.

It makes me so angry that we can just go through life with these pretend blinders on; we all see these people but we choose to automatically be judgmental. I just don’t understand how we can sit there and be douche bags and judge our fellow man. The people we should be judging is ourselves. We should be pointing the finger at our self because we can just so easily pass each other by on the streets.

What ever happened to saying hello to one another on the street or having an actual conversation without being hooked to our phone at the same time? I know we are all guilty of this from time to time; so am I but it’s time that we stop judging each other and stop being giant douches.

If you see someone down on their luck, help them out and buy them a coffee or a sandwich or give them a dollar. What they do with that money isn’t up to you; it’s up to the big man upstairs. I don’t want to be the one who has to answer the question, ‘why didn’t you help your fellow man?’

Take a chance. Take a gamble. Make someone’s day better if only for a moment. And for the love of God, start seeing people with your heart and stop judging them with your mind.

Until next time,

Let’s stop being douches and help each other

Do You Need a Beverage?

So we have been having some behavior issues with our son in school. New year- more problems.

I have been talked to by his aftercare teacher everyday except for one. It’s been two weeks of school people…

Let’s recap the week…

So my son asked on Tuesday if we could go to McDonald’s for breakfast and I told him we could go but he had to do well in before and after care for a week.

So he did well on Tuesday- the only day, mind you.

So Wednesday comes and Joe has to pick up the kids. He talks to the daycare teacher and she says “your son hasn’t been listening and I told him that he was trying to earn McDonald’s and he said to me, ‘well, my dad is picking me up- not my mom, and he doesn’t know about McDonald’s.'”

Oh my dear sweet son- mommy will find out.

So now it’s Thursday morning and it’s still dark out because teachers get up with the rest of the farmers. Joe and I are running around the kitchen packing lunches and our sweet son strolls into the kitchen… and this is how the morning went down…

First, to set the right mood, I turned off the main kitchen lights and only had on the one light dangling over the kitchen table…

“Hey buddy. Why don’t you come sit down for a minute.” -me

…and as he sat down, I pushed that lamp over the kitchen table so it gently rocked back and forth barely breaking the dark morning and lighting his face with every other swing…

“Uhh, mommy, what are you doing?” -Sweet son

“So, I heard what you said to your daycare teacher. About not needing to do a good job because daddy didn’t know about McDonald’s.” -me

…his little brown eyes were quickly filling with bullshit. They quickly darted to joe who was gently swaying back and forth in his boxers…

“No! I didn’t say that!” -Sweet, innocent son

“Oh really? I am pretty sure you aren’t telling me the truth. It looks like you are sweating…” -me

“What?” -Sweet child

“It looks like you are sweating. Do you need a beverage?” -me

“What’s a beverage?” -sweaty child

…the light started to slow down so I gave it another push…

Then the good cop steps in… still in his boxers…

“Listen, this is what she told me and she said  that you said, that mommy wouldn’t find out…” -Good cop and boxer wearing, Joe

“I would rather you tell me the truth…” -me

“Ok. I said that!” -guilty child

And that is how I get a confession out in my house; plus, we saved on our electric bill.

Until next time,

I’m the bad cop

Playland at McDonald’s 

Ok, so here I am at the Playland at McDonald’s. A place where the kids can play and they are basically contained outside in a giant play cage, equipped with netting. I personally think it should be equipped with bars and an electric fence for parents that just need a break but that might just be my opinion.

So here I am writing this blog and my kids are getting on my nerves from afar. 

It started with Vincent barking loudly and deeply at a bird. Except it was next to this poor couple that practically peed their pants while trying to open up their cheeseburgers. These poor people jumped out of their seats and awkwardly stared at my child… I awkwardly stared at him. So yeah, then I had to publicly claim him as my own.

Then it went to my kids screaming through the the microphone thing at another kid. The poor kid was saying ‘hi’ and then waiting for a response. As the little boy was putting his ear up to the microphone, my kids were screaming at a high pitched sound that the dead could still hear and probably busted this kid’s eardrum. In my kids defense, the little boy did this several times and my kids lined up to scream in his ear. Fool him once shame on him, fool him two more times, because I have two more kids… well, you have to learn child.

Now, Vincent is screaming ‘mom’ and it’s really annoying. But the reason it’s so annoying is because I keep saying ‘what’ only to find out that my kids are playing baby and the ‘mom’ is currently Emily.

Yes, my kids can be annoying at a play yard…even outside. Take stock in metal. Between me and Trump’s plans to build a ‘huge wall,’ you will probably make millions. Also, take stock in electric fence stuff… or tazers… I might add that to my stock pile.

Until next time,

I will also invest in earplugs. I am feeling generous so I might give some to the little boy who probably broke his eardrum.

Entitlement and the Next Generation

I am a big advocate for helping people on the side of the road. The ones that hold up the signs that say they are hungry and need help and I am not one to brag that I do it, but today comes with a reason of why I bring this up.

My kids and I were coming home from the library… and no, we weren’t checking out books but were watching a free movie and eating popcorn. Don’t get your hopes too high, we didn’t go to the library to read or anything.

Either way, we are coming home and I see this young woman on the side of the road begging for help. She wasn’t on our side of the street so I asked my kids if they wanted to get her something to eat. Two of my children said yes, and one said no. I am not going to tell you who it was and no, you don’t have to guess. But I realized what the hell is wrong with you, my own child, that you don’t want to help this person? I understand they are little and don’t grasp the concept so I tried to throw in a bible verse of ‘whatever you do for the least of my brothers, you also do for me.’ -Jesus… yeah, I don’t know the exact bible verse or gospel but he said it ok?

Anyway, we go to McDonald’s and I get as much food as I can and a large drink for the woman. I also gave her some money to help with whatever she needed. The woman was so grateful that she kept saying, ‘are you serious? This is all for me? Oh my God. Thank you!’ She hugged my arm and couldn’t wait to eat. She didn’t know what to eat first but just tore into the box and kept thanking me. I said to my kids, ‘do you see how hungry she was? And we just helped her and that’s what life is about… helping others.’

And as I am driving home, I am hoping and praying that I am not raising entitled children. Yeah, they are young now but what about the students I teach thinking that life is just going to hand them anything they want because they are rich, or poor, or white, or black or because they feel that they are fucking entitled?!

Listen, life comes at you no matter your age, gender, sexual preference or race. Life comes at you and you need to be ready for it; otherwise it is going to kick you in the fucking ass. I am sick of having people feel entitled because of their past or their future or who they know in the community. Entitlement is for pricks- plain and simple.

If you want something- go get it. Help each other. Help each other to get there and I mean really help each other. Trying to explain a simple necessity, like this woman is hungry to my kids and one of my children not giving two shits, made me want to write this blog. I will be damned if I raise a kid that thinks they are entitled because we are in a comfortable position to afford a life where our kids don’t need to worry about the next meal or where they are sleeping at night.

Life is not about who you know. Life is about how you live. Love is necessary. Compassion is a must and entitlement in this country needs to stop. My kid is never getting a fucking IPhone. My kids are going to have two tin cans and a fucking piece of string. You aren’t entitled to those things- you earn them.

So what I am saying is help out your fellow human being. Be compassionate and stop being so fucking judgmental. The judgement is not for you to decide- toss it up and leave it up to whatever higher power you believe in. But I know that woman was starving and I could see the happiness and gratitude in her eyes.

So stop letting our kids be entitled for something that they think they deserve and start making them see that they need to earn it instead.

Until next time,

Let’s stop raising entitled pricks. I will start in my household first. An IPhone my ass.