Attention Pet Owners…

Ok, so I went on a photo shoot on Tuesday and then I went to a restaurant at the marina. It was a beautiful sunset and as I am enjoying mother nature, here comes two women with their dogs. One dog was walking and one was in a baby carriage. A fucking baby carriage. And then they proceeded to come up to where I was sitting and the lady put her dog into a front carrier attached to her body. Let’s analyze this…

1) a fucking baby carriage. You actually bought that? They have four legs… two more than humans… they are supposed to walk.

2) a fucking front carrier? Do you also breastfeed?

3) I love dogs but they don’t belong in a restaurant unless it’s a service dog. I don’t want the wind to blow a certain way and to have dog hair on my ahi tuna wrap… you twit.

4) dogs are supposed to walk and smell the roses. They are supposed to take a shit on said roses… You just deprived your dogs from taking a shit.

5) I’m sure you think it’s adorable to do this to your dogs. It’s borderline psychotic. Find a baby to walk in a carriage. Is empty nest syndrome this bad because I am celebrating in thirteen years!

6) you look like a tool. There. I said it.

7) do not. I repeat… do not put the dog up to the table. You know why? Because the dog is going to lick it and people eat there. Your dog just licked his balls and is now licking the table that you and others will be dining on.

8) I hear you yelling at your dog not to eat your food. It’s a dog. The dogs whole life is to eat, sleep and poop. You already took two things away from him.

9) what are all the other dogs going to think of him? He probably gets made fun of at the dog park… if he is even allowed to go. Poor dog.

10) please worry about what other people think. Normally I am so against this but in this case, I just wrote a blog about how idiotic it is thst you treat your dogs this way. Do me a favor and stop.

Until next time,

I’m buying a dog so it can bully your dog.

My Kids Are Wearing Me Down

Being a stay at home mom is the toughest job ever. I just looked at myself in the mirror. I am fat, disheveled and I ate chocolate chips for lunch. 

My kids are driving me nuts and I love them but there are a few reasons that they are getting on my nerves…

1) Vincent had appendicitis a couple weeks ago. He had it on the day we were leaving for the beach. After surgery he wasn’t allowed in the ocean or pool. He turned to me on vacation and said, ‘you guys owe me a four day vacation because I had surgery.’

-listen kid. You just cost me like three giant medical bills. You owe me a vacation.

2) The constant whining. I don’t feel good today and I offered them to have a snack for lunch and they are whining about it. 

-Eat chips… they are made from potatoes and I am pretty sure those chocolate chips you are eating are made with dairy. Plus chocolate has a cancer fighting mechanism… you’re welcome.

3) Barbies. I am constantly playing Barbies but I am usually Barbies dog who doesn’t know how to talk.

-Ok… can I have a speaking role? I think I am ready.

4) The insults. My kids call each other stupid head. ALL. DAY. LONG.

-Step it up a notch. Try stupid mother fucker and see how much more effective that is.

5) Constant eating. Where is it going? Sometimes we just run out of food. My tiny people need to learn how to ration.

-Godforbid we are in some kind of zombie apocalypse situation. They are not allowed in my bunker because they will eat our supply in a few hours.

6) Screen time. I am sick of regulating it. Just watch it so I can have some peace.

-Honestly, I think they learn more from screen than me. The boys just gave me the definition of immune. Thank you Lion Gaurd and Disney Junior!

7) I am tired of being a human couch. My three kids just have to sit on me. It is so bad that we have to rotate every five minutes.

-I finally wised up and put in a fourth five minute interval for mommy time. I am living it up for five minutes in every twenty minute rotation.

8) Pooping. I can’t wait to go back to work so I can poop alone. Right now they find me. I don’t know how and I don’t know why but they know my every move.

-They come to tell me the following: their hopes, their dreams, the best part of their day! They share with me what they are eating and drinking. How hungry they are and if I want to play with them. All this while I am wiping my ass.

9) Three square meals a day. They don’t want three… it’s more like we never leave the kitchen. I put this in twice, not because I am running out of material but because people need to prepare if they have children.

-Prepare. Prepare to spend money on food and still share everything that is on your plate.

10) Pretending to be active. We go on walks and bike rides that last at least an hour.

-We are actually only going around a long block but there is so much whining and crying that it takes extra long. Then we have to collect rocks and leaves and sticks to throw in the creek. Someone is always falling off their bike or having a near miss with a car no matter how many times I tell them to stay next to the curb.

Just to prove that I have one more left…

11) Fighting about clothes. My kids just can’t get their shit together. They wear shorts for two weeks at a time, Vincent prefers to wear his shirts inside out and sometime backwards… He claims he is waiting for snow since that is what we do before a big snowfall. I don’t even know when my kids last changed their underwear.

-I guess I am leaving their laundry up to mutual good faith. I know that we taught them all the right rules about changing their clothes and I am certain that they are not doing it. I guess that shower once a week will help with the smell.

Until next time,

Pass me the chocolate chips

Yup. Those are Mine.

I went to get my oil changed yesterday with all three of my cherubs. After an hour’s wait the Honda man sprung me from the kids waiting area to tell me that my car was ready. Sweet baby Jesus, I was able to go home but first, i had to pay.

I approach reception and the Honda guy is explaining what they did to my car. All I hear is blah, blah, blah, oil, tires, blah. As he is talking my kids have already gone into the maintenance area, stepped outside and banged on the vending machine to see if they were lucky enough to get a free Pepsi.

That’s when the receptionist lady turns to me and says,

‘Are all these children yours?’ -lady

Now I’m looking around for a high number of children and I see only my three…

‘Yes… They are all mine.’ -me

‘Oh! I thought you ran a daycare or something!’ -lady

…yes lady, this is my life. They are alllll mine… all three of them.

Until next time,

Let’s paint my mini van yellow with a black stripe on the side 

What are You Doing?

‘What are you doing?’ -me

‘Picking my nose.’ -my son

‘Are you rolling your booger and flicking it? -me

‘Yes.’ -my son

‘Eww.’ -me

‘Aww, man. I don’t have anymore. Well, I have to wait till tomorrow.’ -my son

‘Wait for tomorrow for what?’ -me

‘For more boogers. I’ll grow more tomorrow.’ -my son

Great. Well, at least he has a plan.

Until next time, 

Always plan ahead and use a tissue

Monopoly and Strip Clubs

Playing Monopoly as a child was the longest game ever and it was never one I really understood anyway.

Now being a parent, I totally get how hellish this game really is; it should be banned from the shelves.

Here are the top ten reasons why Monopoly Jr. is frustrating:

1. We lost the directions. So the whole time, I was listening to the wise eight year old to tell me what to do.

2. We are playing the Finding Nemo version… so no top hat. Wtf?

3. I had to keep borrowing money from the bank because I kept running low on cash- I ran out of money on the first go around. 

4. Vincent had to roll the dice by throwing it high in the air. I was dodging dice like I was dodging bullets.

5. Nicholas was the commentator and added the ooohs and ahhhs to the whole damn game.

6. In the middle of the game, Vincent became distracted and I had to keep reminding him to play.

7. The Monopoly Jr. game only has $1 bills. I felt like we should have gone to the strip club instead.

8. I was competitive with an eight year old.

9. At one point I demanded that Nicholas give me a dollar. A real dollar… I think because his commentating sucked.

10. The redemption of playing this game was that I won. I beat the eight year old. 

Until next time,

I’m taking my winnings to a strip club. Yes, I’m going to make it rain.

Donating Toys with Kids

Donating toys with kids is an impossible task but every once and a while, you get one special child of yours that wants to donate toys. Imagine my excitement when Emily said she wanted to donate some of her toys that she didn’t play with amymore.

As I was taking a shower, she knocked on the shower door and told me her plan. Then she ran from me skipping and elated by her new found toy generosity. I, of course, mindfully took my shower, while glowing in my stellar parenting.

Emily came back with two animal toys from a Noah’s Ark set, that she set up outside of the shower door so I could find them. So thoughtful! 

Sadly, the Noah’s Ark is not hers but her cousins. Yes, my child is donating her cousin’s toys. 

Good effort Emily. Good effort.

Until next time,

Lauren, tell Noah to pick up these animals two by two.