A Two Mile Walk of Torture

So I decided to take Vincent (nine), Nicholas (seven) and Emily (six) year old on a mile walk. It was a mile to our destination and a mile home so it was actually two miles.

Our oldest boy hates nature so I lure him outside with Pokemon Go. I am sure you know by now that this is a virtual game where you catch Pokemon. So here we are on this hike and it’s so nice out and we are at the crossroads where this beautiful walk can become just that, a beautiful walk or a two mile walk of torture.

After much debate, the kids decide to march on catching pokemon blissfully as they walked, sharing my phone ever so wonderfully. I am telling you the air felt crisper, the birds felt chirpy-er… it was magical. And then we got to the furthest point away from home and my little girl looked me and said, ‘I have to go to the bathroom.’ And then it all went downhill.

Here are the next torturous moments of my life:

1) After we got to the Pokemon Gym (whatever the hell that is), which was our goal, we fed other people’s pokemon and had to leave one of ours behind. Wtf. I thought we came here to battle? But apparently we missed an egg hatching and I didn’t know what was going on and the boys are feeding strangers pokemon like it was normal and then proceeded to casually start to walk back the one mile home.

2) Immediately Emily asked me to pick her up. Are you out of your mind? I am fat and pretty lazy and I just walked a mile- you pick me up.

3) Emily was literally pissed that we weren’t battling imaginary pokemon, so much so that she was screaming on the corner how stupid this game and it was still morning… people may still be sleeping… like normal people.

4) On the way back, Emily just started melting. The temperature has not changed but all of a sudden she is sweating and cannot handle the one mile walk back from home and she feels the need to inform me of this every second we are out.

5) I try to distract her by telling her we will shade jump. Shade jumping is just running from one shaded tree to the other. That worked twice.

6) Then she stated asking if she could take off her shirt and get naked. Then she started freaking out because she wasn’t a boy as Nicholas stripped his shirt off and strutted off into the sunshine letting the cool breeze caress his skin.

7) I tried to bring back the 1980’s by pulling the bottom of her shirt through the top of her shirt like we did when we were kids but it barely hid the poor kids nips. It may have been one of her great disappointments in life.

8) As I tried to show her the one of the shady trees was slowly approaching, she freaked out and demanded loudly that she indeed wanted a penis. What this has to do with being hot and sweaty, I have no idea but she was pretty adamant about acquiring this new piece of equipment.

9) And then it finally happened. Three blocks from home, Emily sat on the ground and refused to leave. Leaving no child behind, I picked her up and put her on my shoulders like only a good mother does, however, no good deed goes unpunished because just then, I heard the words that every mother dreads from my boys, ‘can I have a turn after Emily?’ Yes, yes you can. I would love to put 50+ pounds on my neck on this summer day while we hunt pokemon!

10) As we finally make it home, we are stopped by a police officer. Thinking I must have been walking too slow and nothing would end this walk better than a ticket, he actually hands us free slurpees at 7-11. It was so thoughtful, however, if I really think about it, 7-11 is where people go if they want a tetanus shot. So later that evening, we all go to get our slurpees and we fill it with what we assume is blue raspberry even though it is labeled Captain Crunch. No, it is not just blue raspberry, it is literally Captain fucking Crunch and it tastes exactly like the cereal or how my kids so lovingly put it, ‘this tastes like blue raspberry till you get to the end and then it tastes like throw up.’ Needless to say, everyone cried about their awful slurpees. A great ending to a torturous but beautiful summer day.

Until next time,

Is that pikachu using his electric attack, oh wait, no, it’s just my daughter who is currently angry because she really wants a penis and she is pissed about it.

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Pikachu, I Choose You!

So Vincent will be making his First Reconciliation and First Holy Communion this year. He has to do some intense reading and some activities in his workbook.

Best Parts About This:

  1. Seeing the curiosity on Vincent’s face when he learns about Jesus.
  2. Watching him draw a picture of God’s Grace in his workbook.
  3. Finding out that Jesus indeed had a Poke’ball.

All those times I wasn’t sure if God knew what Poke’mon was but it is evident in this picture that Jesus not only gave His life but also gave us Pikachu.

Until next time,

I believe in both Jesus and the power of the Holy Poke’ball.

Let’s at Least Try to Worship Jesus.

So it’s Sunday and that can only mean one thing for this family. This day is our attempt at being Catholic.

It started off with dropping all three children off at Sunday school. I have been waiting for Sunday all week because, let’s face it, no kids in the house meant crazy sex. But alas, I have been waiting all week only to be blue-ovaried by the head of Sunday school asking for our paperwork so Vincent could make his First Holy Communion.

No wonder people stop being catholic- it’s too much paperwork. Anyway, Joe and I don’t have our shit together so we had to go to Staples to print out paperwork and photocopy a baptismal record. Staples didn’t open till 10am and Joe literally waited at the door to photocopy shit.

Now it’s off to church. We had to pick the kids up from Sunday school at 10:15 am and church is in the same parking lot. Explain to me that we were still late for mass? Yup, it should be called the 10:35 am service. 

As we are in mass, we had to do the normal bathroom routine. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Then we are going up to communion and Vincent is screaming, loudly, if he can eat Jesus. Then onto the blood of Christ and he is asking for a sip. We get back to the pew and I said, ‘this is the time to say a prayer and talk to Jesus.’

The kid asked Jesus for a rollercoaster and thanked him for each Pokemon individually. ‘Thank you Jesus for charmander, piccachu, salmander… and I would really like a rollercoaster.’

I lean over and tell him that Jesus is ‘not a genie.’ 

Although, if he was a genie, I would ask for endless alcoholic milkshakes and to make my kids silent at church.

Until next time,

You have two wishes left

Pokémon… Dear God, Why?

So my boys are really into Pokémon and I don’t know why. Vincent all of a sudden lives and breathes the shows and the cards and I am slowly dying inside. Here are the top ten reasons why I hate Pokémon…

  1. Math… the whole game is revolved around math and how much power and how much health you have. Why can’t it just say, ‘hey, you are sick?’ Whenever they bring up the number of health that a certain Pokémon has, I start to twitch.
  2. Every time we go out, Vincent pretends he is the main character, Ash. Yes, he pretends he is Ash and he tries to catch them all. Gotta catch all the Pokémon, even if it means knocking over an old woman in the store.
  3. I can’t pronounce the names. I understand it’s Anime but once and a while, I would like a Pokémon to be called Bob.
  4. On the tv shows, Pickachu can only say his own name. No wonder Pickachu can’t evolve or fight; it’s because he is still saying his own name… how is he supposed to fight?
  5. My kids are having Pokémon wars with pillows and pretending they are powers. There has literally been blood and a lost tooth because of this game. But hey, gotta catch them all even if that means busting each other up.
  6. There is an actual card game and every time Vincent wants to battle, he wants to battle his little brother and Nicholas just cries that he has the least amount of health on his Pokémon. I feel bad for Nicholas and then, my husband, chooses to battle Nicholas who is already crying. Seriously?
  7. I feel like in the cartoon, all they do is scream at each other. Their eyes are as big as their mouths and it’s disproportionate and it’s frightening.
  8. God forbid, I tell them there is an app for that.
  9. We have literally binge watched 58 episodes of Pokémon and I can’t take it. Pichachu isn’t cute, he is disturbing and lives in a ball… conveniently called a Pokeball.
  10. Did I mention all the things I hate? Math, blood and teeth. It’s Pokémon for God’s sake. I don’t even understand the concept but it has caused blood shed amongst brothers.

Until next time,

Excuse me while I gotta catch ’em all.

A Snow Day with My Kids

Emily was up last night with a cough and cold so I was up all night long with her. Then, today, I was so thankful that there was a snow day because I was extremely exhausted. This is how my day has been so far…

1) I fell asleep on the couch and my kids collectively ate eight Rice Krispie treats. It was 9 am.

2) I have watched the movie Trolls twice. Little does my husband know that I rented a movie for $3.99. He is a movie renter hater.

3) I watched a ton of Pokémon. They tell me to catch them all but I don’t want to.

4) Emily wiped her runny nose on me… twice.

5) My kids had to make Valentine’s for each of their peers. That was 72 Valentine’s Day cards. Watching them write was giving me ocd. 

6) They wanted hot chocolate and we don’t have that so I just warmed up chocolate milk and called it a day.

7) They complained about the chicken nuggets I made for lunch. Listen, in my day it was peanut butter and jelly so shut your traps because you just ate like 2.3 Rice Krispie treats.  

8) My kids didn’t want to play outside. It’s snowing. Be a kid.

9) We had an argument about who won the superbowl. Yes, I was in an argument with my seven year old.

10) Coffee usually helps me to deal with life but I need like a pot of coffee, a fire and maybe some Bailey’s. Who wants a join me?

Until next time,

I need a nap but first, let me eat this Rice Krispie treat.