So I decided to take Vincent (nine), Nicholas (seven) and Emily (six) year old on a mile walk. It was a mile to our destination and a mile home so it was actually two miles.
Our oldest boy hates nature so I lure him outside with Pokemon Go. I am sure you know by now that this is a virtual game where you catch Pokemon. So here we are on this hike and it’s so nice out and we are at the crossroads where this beautiful walk can become just that, a beautiful walk or a two mile walk of torture.
After much debate, the kids decide to march on catching pokemon blissfully as they walked, sharing my phone ever so wonderfully. I am telling you the air felt crisper, the birds felt chirpy-er… it was magical. And then we got to the furthest point away from home and my little girl looked me and said, ‘I have to go to the bathroom.’ And then it all went downhill.
Here are the next torturous moments of my life:
1) After we got to the Pokemon Gym (whatever the hell that is), which was our goal, we fed other people’s pokemon and had to leave one of ours behind. Wtf. I thought we came here to battle? But apparently we missed an egg hatching and I didn’t know what was going on and the boys are feeding strangers pokemon like it was normal and then proceeded to casually start to walk back the one mile home.
2) Immediately Emily asked me to pick her up. Are you out of your mind? I am fat and pretty lazy and I just walked a mile- you pick me up.
3) Emily was literally pissed that we weren’t battling imaginary pokemon, so much so that she was screaming on the corner how stupid this game and it was still morning… people may still be sleeping… like normal people.
4) On the way back, Emily just started melting. The temperature has not changed but all of a sudden she is sweating and cannot handle the one mile walk back from home and she feels the need to inform me of this every second we are out.
5) I try to distract her by telling her we will shade jump. Shade jumping is just running from one shaded tree to the other. That worked twice.
6) Then she stated asking if she could take off her shirt and get naked. Then she started freaking out because she wasn’t a boy as Nicholas stripped his shirt off and strutted off into the sunshine letting the cool breeze caress his skin.
7) I tried to bring back the 1980’s by pulling the bottom of her shirt through the top of her shirt like we did when we were kids but it barely hid the poor kids nips. It may have been one of her great disappointments in life.
8) As I tried to show her the one of the shady trees was slowly approaching, she freaked out and demanded loudly that she indeed wanted a penis. What this has to do with being hot and sweaty, I have no idea but she was pretty adamant about acquiring this new piece of equipment.
9) And then it finally happened. Three blocks from home, Emily sat on the ground and refused to leave. Leaving no child behind, I picked her up and put her on my shoulders like only a good mother does, however, no good deed goes unpunished because just then, I heard the words that every mother dreads from my boys, ‘can I have a turn after Emily?’ Yes, yes you can. I would love to put 50+ pounds on my neck on this summer day while we hunt pokemon!
10) As we finally make it home, we are stopped by a police officer. Thinking I must have been walking too slow and nothing would end this walk better than a ticket, he actually hands us free slurpees at 7-11. It was so thoughtful, however, if I really think about it, 7-11 is where people go if they want a tetanus shot. So later that evening, we all go to get our slurpees and we fill it with what we assume is blue raspberry even though it is labeled Captain Crunch. No, it is not just blue raspberry, it is literally Captain fucking Crunch and it tastes exactly like the cereal or how my kids so lovingly put it, ‘this tastes like blue raspberry till you get to the end and then it tastes like throw up.’ Needless to say, everyone cried about their awful slurpees. A great ending to a torturous but beautiful summer day.
Until next time,
Is that pikachu using his electric attack, oh wait, no, it’s just my daughter who is currently angry because she really wants a penis and she is pissed about it.