Is it too Early to Have ‘The Talk?’

So Nicholas came home with a written paragraph about what he likes to do at school. His teacher said, ‘that sounds like fun!’

Excuse me. Are you condoning this behavior?

Until next time,

It’s never too early to learn about the birds and the bees.

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You Get a Demerit! You Get a Demerit! You All Get Demerits!

I got a phone call today that Vincent received his first demerit for screaming in the bathroom.

Oh geez, I still remember what I was doing and what I was wearing when I heard the news.

I am actually surprised it took this long; I mean, he has already been in the principal’s office twice. Tomorrow morning it will be his third trip. Vincent and the principal should be on a first name basis after tomorrow.

God, it’s only September.

I came up with a list of possible reasons for why he would need to scream in the bathroom:

1) he had a man-sized poop.

2) while washing his hands, he burned himself because kids don’t realize the cold water is on the right.

3) he saw Bloody Mary.

4) he was constipated.

5) he tried to beat himself up to get out of class like Jim Carey in Liar, Liar.

6) he couldn’t stand the smell of his own farts.

7) he slipped and fell and was begging for help. Always wear your Life Alert.

8) he gave himself a swirly.

9) sometimes you are so frustrated that you have to yell.

10) he ran out of toliet paper after his man-sized poop.

Until next time,

How many more demerits can we get in the first month of school?

The Principal’s Office: Part 2

So yeah, it’s week four and my boys were back in the principal’s office. For fighting on the bus. For fighting on the bus with each other. Wtf? Like seriously, fight someone else.

Although this time, it was a fight over something serious. A pair of sunglasses. Yup, Vincent told Nicholas that he was taking Nicholas’ sunglasses and putting them in his room. <Gasp!> I know what you are thinking… dear God, how horrible.

So Nicholas started punching Vincent and Vincent scratched Nicholas. Needless to say both of them were bleeding by the end. It’s a fucking bus ride and they weren’t even sitting in the same seat. I don’t understand how this happens.

So this was on Monday and Tuesday morning they were called into the principal’s office. The second time in a week! The principal told them how they needed to act on the bus and if they didn’t act right and follow the rules, they weren’t allowed to sit together.

Newsflash principal… they weren’t sitting together.

Either way, I am glad the information sunk in to their dense heads because as they were leaving the principal’s office, Vincent put Nicholas into a headlock and gave him a noogie. As they were LEAVING the principal’s office. SERIOUSLY?! What. The. Fuck?

Until next time,

Stay tuned for mommy’s tough love lecture that went too far because she values education. Not in my house. Now come over here so I can put you in a headlock.

It’s Week Three

So yesterday I received a call from my kids principal, regarding an incident on the bus.

Like any mother, my natural instinct was ‘ what the fuck did they do now and I will kill them if they are not already dead.’

You know, the nurturing mother instinct. 

Anyway, I called the principal and he answered the phone and I said, 

‘Hi my name is Allison… what did they do?’ -me

‘Oh, well there was an incident on the bus and your boys were trying to bite each other.’ -Principal

I’m sorry. They were biting each other?’ -me

‘Yes, the boys were trying to bite each other and I called all three of your kids to my office because the boys walk your daughter to her class… and you know, that’s really sweet.’ -Principal

‘Yeah, it’s adorable.’ -me

‘Yeah… so when they got in there, the first thing Emily said was, ‘it wasn’t me and I wasn’t involved.’ -Principal

… I have taught my daughter to look out for herself and that you should always protect yourself. But man, way to throw your brothers under the bus. Good for you!…

‘Yeah, so, I just want to let you know that we had a talk with them and if you could have a talk about bus safety, that would be great.’ -Principal

So there you have it. It’s the third week of school and my kids are the ones biting each other. I guess it could have been worse… They could have bitten the bus driver.

Until next time,

Always feed your children

What I Learned on the First Day of School.

So I had a request to explain what I learned on the first day of school. I know what you are thinking, I learned my a, b, c’s but no… I learned about data, sexual harassment and eating at the Green Turtle.

Here is my list:

1) I learned how to corral goats and cows. All I need is rope, motivation and to be in shape.

2) I learned that my colleagues can’t rap. I mean I can’t either but I would never dress up in a hoodie and tape it.

3) I learned that a flash mob can use  educational information and sing it to the tune of Hairspray. It was well done. If I did it, I would have tripped over my feet and landed ten feet down in the pit area of the stage.

4) I learned that quid pro quo can get awkward when the presenter uses himself in the example.

5) I learned that saving your sick time is important… especially if you want to use short term disability or as it was so lovingly put, your STD.

6) I learned that I can’t follow a cheer, even with the guidance of cheerleaders. And I learned that not all cheerleaders can tumble. I totally would have shown off my tumbling and then I would have landed on my head just to get a STD.

7) I learned that there is always that one person who has to ask an obvious question to make the staff meeting that much longer. Seriously, shut the fuck up.

8) I learned the first words you ever utter to your principal should not be ‘Jesus Christ!’

9) I learned that eating at the Green Turtle is a good way to recruit new teachers. Is this how we are interviewing these days? If so, I will hang out at the bar and find a ton of people that can teach you something five drinks in…

10) I learned 4th and 7th grade are the best grades if you want to do well on testing and that my school did great on SAT’s last year. Zzz… boring. I don’t care about numbers just spring me from this auditorium so I can sit in a cluster fuck of traffic and get to lunch.

Until next time,

Always a life long learner.

This blog was dedicated to my inspiration, Sara Bentz. 💜

Vincent Goes to School 

So this morning, Vincent explained to us that he is once again in debt with the school cafeteria. Surprise, surprise.

The kid is in debt every week and this morning, he finally confessed that he gets a milk everyday. Let me clarify, he told us that the milk in the cafeteria refrigerator is ‘free.’ Yes, my friends, my son is apparently stealing chocolate milk and thinking it is free.

After picking Vincent up from school, I found out that he did indeed drink his ‘free’ milk and then he cut art class to be with his girlfriend in gym class.

He is in second grade. Second grade and he is apparently stealing the hard stuff and cutting class.

Until next time,

It’s not stealing if it’s chocolate milk

And Another Year Begins.

To all my teacher friends, have a great year. May it be swift and ridiculously fast and dear God, let it be summer again.

Here is my list of what I am excited about in the 2016-2017 school year…

1) The title of this blog is ‘Another Year Begins.’ And this is how it is for teachers. We hate when you say ‘see you next year’ in January because we have to pause and remember that the rest of the world starts a new year in January but honestly, we just think you are idiots. The new year starts in August.

2) I am excited to go to the copy room and find that there is no paper left. What a thrill. It’s like extreme sports but extreme ‘oh shit, I need to copy sixty copies of my seven-page syllabi.’ Nothing is more exhilarating.

3) I am excited to give my bladder a workout. During the school year, I pee at 6am and then don’t pee again until like noon. My bladder is excited to get a turn to workout because my liver has been working out all summer.

4) I am excited to go to work in the cover of darkness, only to return home in the cover of darkness. Teachers are like freaking Batman.

5) I am excited to learn every new student’s name. I like when they correct me for pronunciation because they all get Iannone right on the first try.

6) I am excited to implement all the new lessons I have been working on all summer. Haha… just kidding… I didn’t plan.

7) I am excited for the sexual harassment speech. This is my 15th year of teaching… I think it will finally sink in this year that I can’t ask my colleagues for sex in exchange for a red pen.

8) I am excited to find out all the new theories we adopted over the summer for teaching. It’s invigorating to hear a new theory every year. All the teachers know it’s the same theory with a different name… but yeah, I will redo my lesson plans… again.

9) I can’t wait to see all the new teachers. You can figure out who they are because the smell like freshly sharpened pencils and they look hopeful.

10) I can’t wait to see the seasoned teachers again. They smell like a mixture of tears, and despair.

11) I love hearing about the new referendums. It’s like a ten year plan and I am not even able to vote because I don’t live in the district. It’s a ten year plan right? I’m lucky if I will live after the second day of waking up at 5am. 10 years my ass.

12) My favorite word that is on all of my back to school lists… Data. I could care less where we placed in the SAT’s or DCAS or whatever. Am I getting a raise? Oh, haha, nevermind. Teachers do not get raises.

13) I love ice breakers with my colleagues. Actually, I don’t. I would love an ice breaker that involved pizza, a beer and then sharing how we all got to this point in our lives.

14) I can’t wait for my favorite question, ‘how was your summer?’ Listen. Don’t ask me this fucking question, you know everyone’s answer is the same, ‘it was too short.’ Mostly because we are all miserable that the summer is over, so stop bringing it up. What the hell is wrong with you? I’m going to punch you straight in the throat if you even try to have this conversation.

15) Honestly, I am excited to see all your faces, share our successes, our failures, make fun of stupid things we did in class, our lunches and our Friday ‘book club.’ I’m excited to be with you all this year and I am even excited to meet my new students… but only slightly. I will be jaded again in the first hour or so; don’t worry.

Until next year,

Enjoy your year, stay safe and start buying wine in bulk.