It’s a Wonderful Life

I went to an old movie theater with my mom to watch, It’s a Wonderful Life. 

If you hate spoilers and plan to watch the old classic, stop reading. 

If you already know the plot, then you know the main character, George, thinks everyone around him would be better off if he was never born.

It got me thinking because every year I watch this movie with my mom and every year I feel like George. I have been on the brink of rage only seeing that suicide is my only option. Praying to God that I was never born. Wishing that he would take me in the night.

Every year I watch this movie, I also notice a change within me. Last year, I wanted to self harm after the movie and this year I wanted to celebrate that the thoughts of self harm and suicide are not as frequent because of dialectical behavior therapy and my amazing therapist.

Although I can’t self validate yet, I thought it would be nice just to tell people what they mean to you now. Why wait till death? Enjoy this holiday season and tell people how thankful you are that they were born into your life.

Until next time,

Thanks Clarence

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Watching the Clouds

I sit here and watch the clouds pass me by and wonder what it would be like to fly?

I wonder how clouds would feel in my hand. 

Would they brush through my fingertips the same way the cool ocean water slips through my fingers on a warm summer day or would the clouds feel soft like my favorite blanket that I wrap myself in by the fire while it snows?

If I try to hold them tight, would they disappear like the warm sun drifts off into the cool night?

If I hold them carefully, would they stay like a fragile piece of glass intact in my fingertips?

If I smell the clouds and inhale deeply, does it smell like clean cotton on laundry day?

And if I took a bite, a bite right out of the cloud, would it taste like cotton candy after a day at my hometown carnival?

I just don’t know but I hope one day to find out but it can’t be today.

Until next time,

Allison