Let’s Have Sex.

Remember that time I wanted to have sex with my husband? No, well, let me tell you a story…

I looked forward to a nooner… hop into bed and stare lovingly at my husband and look over to see a glow worm with an eye mask on.

Yup, we cracked up and then got out of bed. 

Until next time,

At least we gave it a good try… all before lunch.

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Having Children: Fantasy vs. Reality

For most people, having children is a wonderful dream; one filled with wonder and love and the agony of defeat. For those who choose not to have children, well, good for you. You have freedom and probably nine cats.

So what did I think children would be like versus what it actually is… let me show you.

1) Fantasy: I will have kids and they will love me unconditionally no matter what. 

Reality: I said ‘no’ and was told that I was stupid and I am pretty sure someone spit on me and I better sleep with one eye open.

2) Fantasy: I am going to the bathroom to take a crap that I have been holding in all day. It will be the greatest crap in the history of craps.

Reality: I just pulled down my pants. The kids are killing each other outside the door and one child is begging to come in because their life depends on it. Now they are in the bathroom, sitting on the stool sharing their life story.

3) Fantasy: I will make healthy meals for my children which will include all the food groups. I will also grow my own garden and till the land.

Reality: I found some outdated mac n’ cheese. It smelled weird but they will be ok.

4) Fantasy: I will rock my children to sleep every night and we will lock eyes until they peacefully fall asleep.

Reality: Screaming at them to get in their beds while I drink a beer to keep my sanity.

5) Fantasy: I am going to give up my wild life style so my family and I can have game night.

Reality: Get me out. I just want to drink and listen to a band and throw my bra on stage.

6) Fantasy: I will love playing wonderful games with my children and I will pray that this time will never end.

Reality: Dear God when will I stop being the dog during Barbies? My only line is woof.

7) Fantasy: My house will be so clean and organized.

Reality: I can’t see the floor and I haven’t seen one of my kids for a few days…

8) Fantasy: I will lose all of that baby weight and get in shape after this beautiful bundle of joy enters the world.

Reality: umm, yeah, five years later… still fat.

9) Fantasy: After the kids are here me and my husband will still have a beautiful and romantic sex life.

Reality: <roll over> So… you wanna do it?

10) Freedom: Kids will not change my life. I will always have this great freedom forever.

Reality: I have no freedom and even when I try to take a break, my kids find me. It doesn’t matter if they didn’t need me for hours, they need me now. They are sitting on me, laying on me, hanging out with me in the bathroom, always want my food, won’t let me sleep and are constantly sitting on my head like a hat.

So there it is… they can be cute and there are sweet moments but your life changes and you are forced to be the dog when you play Barbies… you used to be the Barbie but not anymore… not anymore.

Until next time,

Let me have a beer and think about my choices.

Do You Have a Sexdar?

Trying to have sex while having three children is damn near impossible. Today, I woke my husband up at 4:50 am and who got up? All three kids. Not one but all three. It’s like they know you are trying to have a good time and they block that right away. I was blue ovaried… get it? Because I don’t have balls. God, I’m hilarious.

Here are some things that my children have said while we have been occupied…

1) I just want to sleep with you in your bed. -Listen, this bed is made for two people right now. I don’t care if there is a spot in the middle where you can fit.

2) I want cereal. -me too. Or maybe some eggs and bacon. Get crackin’.

3) Where’s your phone. -I don’t know… I lost it in the shuffle. 

4) I just want to come up to cuddle.  -As cute as you are, I can’t cuddle you right now… give me five minutes. 

5) I had a bad dream. -this is a bad dream.

6) I just got up to use the bathroom. -then use the bathroom but don’t tell me about it. You don’t need special permission. 

7) What are you doing? -stuff.

8) I need juice. -ok, and get me a coffee.

9) Can I please come in your room?  -If I wanted you in my room, the door would be unlocked and there would be a neon sign, saying, ‘open.’

10) Just open the door so we can talk. -No. I know you want something. You never just want to talk…

And that is what it’s like with kids. Their sexdar is up and ready, sleeping or not and it destroys lives.

Until next time,

Blue ovary signing off.