Red Tape

You ask me how I am doing and I say I am doing fine. You keep asking me because you know that it isn’t true. You ask me how I am doing- I give you more information, ‘not good’, I say; ‘it’s been a tough week.’

Again you ask because you truly want to help me, I tell you that I think about hurting myself and you get nervous. For you, this is new, something you didn’t know about me but for me, it’s every day life. Every second the thought passes through my mind like a rapid fire rifle.

You start to get uncomfortable and start to show me all the gifts I have in my life and how I would be leaving my family. I hear you but my mind is racing- perhaps I have shared too much? You are on high alert like the United States on a holiday.

I start to shut down. I start to shut down. I can’t talk to you about this because it’s not normal and you have every right to feel the way you do. You have every right to show me what I have and what I would be ‘giving up.’ However, I already know this information.

I start to shut down. My engine is out of gas. The gas light has come on but I have no desire to find a gas station. I have no desire to pump more gas. I can’t make you feel better and keep myself from rolling off the nearest cliff.

You care about me so much and I, you, but we shouldn’t talk about this anymore. You are trying so hard to ‘help’ and I am trying so hard not to shut down but it’s impossible.

From now on, I need to conform with the rules of society. I need to feel what is right even if it’s a lie. Bound my hands and mouth with red tape. I need to conform to societal norms.

And even if I am trying to conform to society, I am cheating myself because I am not validating myself; ‘it’s not me,’ I say, ‘it’s society.’ There is such a stigma on people like myself. We live in a world where we are not accepted and our thoughts and feelings are strange. We are dangerous to the normal society because our thoughts shake up what is considered normal.

I shake up society; much like an earthquake in southern California. The buildings around me our strong but my building is crumbling. No one knows why but my building is not as strong as yours. When an earthquake comes, I hurt people. Bound me in red tape; bound me in yellow caution tape. ‘Do Not Cross,’ it says. Yellow tape is everywhere. You can’t cross because you will see the mess I have become; the mess that I am.

I will rebuild. I will get stronger. I will cut the tape but I need to cut the tape alone. You can’t be there because you don’t have scissors.

Until next time,

Learn to use scissors.


Liar, Liar, Pants on… Oh Wait, Your Pants Just Exploded.

As a society we are a bunch of liars. Yeah, you can sit there and pretend like you aren’t but you are. We all are. We pretend to care when we don’t and pretend to be something we aren’t all because of the norms of society but when is enough, enough?

I will tell you what I think; it’s never enough. We are a bunch of liars that are just trying to make it in this crazy ass world. This is our life… or is it?

What we need to do is start caring about each other and loving each other but not caring what people think about us. I am not saying give a big ‘fuck you’ to society… oh wait, I am. Give a big fuck you to society because there has to be a time in your life when you are just incapable of caring and you just have to be who you are destined to be.

I think we all have this point in our lives and what we do with it, that is what matters. We don’t always have to be happy. We don’t always have to be perfect. We don’t always have to be…. fill in the goddamn blank. Here is the blank –> ________________. Fill it in with whatever you want. But there is one rule about what you fill it in with:

  1. you fill it with whatever you are struggling with in your life.

My blank… I have a shit ton of things I want to put in the blank… mostly the ‘always being happy and always being perfect.’

Life is a beautiful and horrible struggle and for anyone who is really struggling it can be down right hell. So how do we change this? How do we change society? I will tell you what… you can’t, but you can change yourself.

So what would you change? I think the first thing is to list all the goddamn things we lie about… it should be honest and candid. You are only lying to yourself if you aren’t honest and open. I will go first. Yeah, I will tell you all the things I lie about in a public forum; maybe it will give you courage to admit some things you want to change in your life. And I can’t stop the sarcasm so let’s give it a whirl…

  1. When I ask how your weekend was… I don’t really care; it’s just a formality but I still like you.
  2. When you ask me ‘how it’s going?’ Listen… please just wave…  it’s barely going anywhere.
  3. Being happy. Clams are happy… pigs are happy in shit. I am not always happy.
  4. Being perfect… I am a fucking hot mess. Like molten lava mess.
  5. When you ask me if I am ok… yeah, no, I am not.
  6. What size my pants are. I keep telling myself that they are 14’s but they aren’t… more like a 16.
  7. My weight. I tell everyone that I am 220 lbs but I am not. I am 221 lbs. Shocking.
  8. When you ask me if I am going to be safe tonight. God, I want to be but I am afraid to be alone by myself.
  9. When you ask me if I am busy. I am always busy but it doesn’t matter because I like when you come talk to me.
  10. Enjoying every moment with my kids. I enjoy a lot of moments but not every moment… I wish I did but sometimes I count down the moments till bedtime.
  11. When Joe isn’t home, I don’t cook dinner. My kids eat cereal.
  12. How much water I actually drink. This may seem odd but I just carry  around the water bottle. It’s a 40 oz bottle but I think I have drank like 3 oz in the last few days. Bad? Yes, but maybe this lie will help me actually drink water since, you know, water is important.
  13. Loving holiday time. Nope, nope… NOOOOO! I love it with my husband and children but being a daughter of divorce, it’s stressful and sucks.
  14. How much sleep I actually need vs. how much I actually get… I get like five or six hours and I tell myself that it’s enough but I actually need ten hours to function.
  15. Exercise. I tell myself I will do it tomorrow but guess what? Nevermind… I will just exercise tomorrow.
  16. Orgasms. Yup. I said it. My husband is a hot stud but when you are on a million anti-anxiety and anti-depressants, sometimes you are just tired. Don’t get me wrong… sex is fun but sometimes you just have to admit defeat. Maybe tomorrow?
  17. Loving my job. I LOVE my students- that actually isn’t a lie but some of them make me want to drink.
  18. Wanting to find a new job. I don’t know if I could ever find a new job because I do love my students but I would be lying if I said that I didn’t wake up depressed because it can be stressful.
  19. Pretending that I don’t dissociate when I get angry… sometimes I am just not present and the phrase, ‘the lights are on but no one is home,’ is actually me when I get angry.
  20. Anger. I am an extremely angry person… like the molten lava mess in number 4 but more explosive and yet, still sluggish when I hit the ground ‘running.’
  21. Not caring what other people think. I do care. I have to learn not to care because no one matters except for me and my immediate family. I still love the rest of you but I have to take care of me and my family first.
  22. Alcohol. I love it. I would love to have a drink everyday… or three. Just being honest.
  23. Everyone doesn’t understand therapy. I literally would rather be there then anywhere else.
  24. My safe place is in the therapy office and I cry when I have to leave. I have never felt like that before. I literally cried for an hour yesterday and sat in the lobby because I didn’t want to go home.
  25. Who I am. I lie. I am a liar. I know who I want to be but who I want to be and who I pretend to be are two different people. I have to keep trudging along to get the ‘two Allison’s’ to meet and to love each other.

So what are your lies? What are you so afraid of and what does society make you do vs. what you need to do? The key word is need. It’s time to puke and rally. Stay in the game. Be a team player for yourself. Love yourself. Protect yourself. Accept yourself. Be who you are meant to be because you are important and so am I.

Until next time,

A liar no more.