The Return From Spring Break.

So today was the return from spring break and you know what it was filled with? Let me tell you…

1) Questions. You are obligated to ask, ‘how was your spring break?’ Shut your pie hole… I am sure it was good but too short. I didn’t really want an answer.

2) Bladder infections. I peed once at 6am and then again at 3pm. Teachers have bladders of steel and high insurance rates on their bladders.

3) Vegetables. Yup, celery and guacamole. When I was on break, I was eating normal food. Today, it was whatever I could grab out of the fridge.

4) Coffee. Yes, I had coffee on break but at school, coffee is your fucking life because you are listening to kids talk about their lives and sometimes you have to appear to be interested.

5) Phone calls. I never answer my cell phone… ever. But at school you have to answer your office phone everytime it rings. My favorite is when someone calls me with a message for a kid. Then I give the message, sit across the room and the same damn phone rings from the same damn person with the same damn message for another student. Please, for the love of God and all that is holy, get organized before you dial my extension.

6) Bells. Listen, I do stuff when I want to do stuff but now my life revolves around a bell. Everytime I hear a bell, I am counting down until the end of the day. Only 93 minutes to go!

7) Silent Judgment. I am constantly on the lookout for kids being idiots and now that break is over, I am silently judging their life choices. Why don’t you eat a tide pod or inhale a condom because that is basically what I need you to do so I can laugh while I am silently judging you. Just kidding, don’t do that, you idiots.

8) Constantly asking you to clean-up. Oh wait, I do that at home too with my own kids. But seriously, clean up your own mess you heathens… you’re in high school.

9) Thinking. All spring break, I could literally just stare at the wall if I wanted to. Now I have kids asking me for things like pencils and erasers. You are in art class. Pencils and erasers is the basis of our existence.

10) Crying. Yup, I cried on Sunday because I had to roll up to this place but what completes my first day back is when I make a kid cry in my first period of my day.

Hey. If you are going to be an asshole, I am going to let you know. Think about your life choices and don’t disappoint me because all i am really going to do is steal your soul, make you cry and silently judge you the rest of class.

Until next time,

The countdown is on till summer.

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Goodbye Summer… Hello Reality.

So it’s the start of reality for me and some of my fellow teachers and I am going to be brutally honest in this blog. I can’t decide if I want to write what I will miss about summer or sarcastically write what I am looking forward to with the start of school… so I am writing both. You’re welcome.

I am going to miss so much about summer…

1) Freedom. Freedom to do what I want when I want. Currently, I get to eat on my schedule. I get to eat when I am hungry… like most humans.

2) Peeing. I get to pee when I want to pee. Currently, I don’t have to pee in a specific five minute window. I can pee whenever I want and I can do it with my children unsupervised and if they kill each, well that’s too bad.

3) Pooping. Again on someone else’s goddamn schedule. Now I have to poop only during 4th period. Do you know what time that is… It’s like 1pm. Jesus, I am going to die. Cause of death: full of shit.

4) Two ply toliet paper. Yeah, our district is too cheap to get the good stuff so I will be sand papering my ass but only during 4th period.

5) Working out. I really enjoyed laying around the house until forty-five minutes before my husband would come home. Then, I would race around the house to clean and make it look like I was busy all day. It really got my heart rate going. So much for working out now that school is starting.

6) Sleeping. I have been sleeping till 930am. Do you know what that time means to me now? An hour before lunch. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I will be eating meatloaf at 1045 am like a barbarian.

7) Makeup. I haven’t worn makeup since I left school. I’m going to have to put it on to look human. I’m out of practice so excuse me if I look like a scary ass clown today.

8) No Showers. It’s true. I will miss skipping a shower here and there because of pure laziness. Now I have to be a productive member of society and get clean and shit.

9) Messy Hair. I never fix my hair in the summer. You know that annoying saying that girls write on Facebook? ‘Messy hair, don’t care,’ that was me but now I have to care in order to look presentable.

10) Sofia the First. I love this cartoon but it is socially unacceptable to binge watch Disney Junior on Netflix when you are thirty-eight years old.

What am I sarcastically looking forward to… let me tell you.

1) Fucking Data. I love when they put that slide up on the first, opening day. Like I give a shit about last year’s scores. 

2) Sexual Harrassement. So for ten years it has been my favorite part of opening day however, I understand that I shouldn’t ask for sexual favors or be asked. But I will be honest, if someone has a cup of coffee on that opening day, I will do what is necessary to survive. I’m bringing knee pads.

3) School Role Call. We all have to do a cheer to signal that we are present. Really? Is this necessary? I could give a shit that you have a cute rhyme or cheer. Just say present so we can all go the fuck home faster.

4) Fucking New Teachers. They come in to the education field all doey eyed and full of promise. It is my mission to break you and have you understand the consequences of your actions in becoming a teacher. Welcome to your sentence… 30 years to life if you want full pension with benefits.

5) New Teaching Strategies. What is this year’s new thing? I am excited to jump through new hoops… I need the exercise.

6) Getting Asked the Question. Don’t fucking ask me how my summer was. You don’t care anyway so why are you asking? And honestly, I tuned out after you said, ‘mine was good.’

7) Lunch. When they tell you lunch is on your own. Really? I just got back from three months off and you want me to remember my lunch? You couldn’t buy me a goddamn piece of pizza?

8) Team Building. I don’t want to build a team doing a lame scavenger hunt or walking on blocks as a group. Buy me a beer. You want people to team build? Get us sloshed. 

9) Checklists. I am so looking forward to a checklist to keep me on task. Like I don’t know that I should check out my keys and photocopy a syllabus for my classes? 

10) Getting a Speech. If one more person tells me to make it a great year, I will have to use force. Every teacher in this auditorium is counting down the days till summer 2018. The only people trying to make it a great year are the new teachers that don’t know any better with their sharpened pencils and their motivational posters.

So that’s it. Another summer in the books and another year is about to begin. For me, it’s in a new school with new people. For those who have been my colleague through those ten years, I will fucking miss you. And for those new colleagues, I am fucking phenomenal and I look forward to working with you.

Until next time,

Survival is key… and so is alcohol. 

It Hasn’t Even Been a Month

I have gone from a working mom to a stay at home mom because I am a school teacher. It hasn’t even been a month and I think I am dying. Here is a list of what my life has been like:

1. I have been sitting on the couch but not alone. Oh no, my kids need to all be touching me. It’s so bad that I have to do five minute intervals of ‘who gets to sit on mommy.’

2. I have gone on one bike ride and lost a child.

3. Vincent asked me to go to McDonald’s and I told him we could go maybe once a month. He just informed me that we went last week which was June and this week was July.

4. The kids are on a swim team. Vincent is the only one that is ready to be in the meets. His freestyle consists of doing the dead man’s float down the lane and hoping for first place… he really is clutch on the relay team.

5. I am constantly in the kitchen… my kids don’t stop eating. I ran out of food.

6. Nicholas won’t stop kissing my feet and he does this weird stripper dance that I find hilarious…. neither thing is connected.

7. Beer has been my summer fling in order to get by.

8. I have watched more Pokemon then I care to ever watch in my lifetime. I finally made up my own Pokemon to piss my son off. His name is Dorito and he has spicy powers.

9. I have taught my kids the following words while frustrated: damn, shit and fuck. 

10. My kids want to know about original sin but only when we are in the car. They have also asked google to show them pictures of Jesus, the Virgin Mary, Adam and Eve and God himself. Thank you Google for having documentation and pictures of the Lord.

Summer is Basically Over…

As Summer 2016 comes to a close, I have created this list about what I will not miss… like ever:

1) McDonald’s. Not really but my kids always want to go here and it’s fast and easy and doesn’t require cooking… or thinking.

2) My kids thinking that if they go to the pool they have now had a bath. Joe told them that was an acceptable means of showering. My kids stink.

3) Everyday… fucking Disney Junior shows.

4) Cailou. He gets his own spot because he is the worst and we should probably burn him at the stake or something… he would probably whine less.

5) My kids not doing their summer reading. I blame myself.

6) Summer reading… just all together; mine, theirs. I used to be excited about it but not this year.

7) Knowing that you should have been doing something educational with your kids all summer because Nicholas just asked me how to spell his name.

8) Being in a swimsuit.

9) Being a constant entertainer for my kids, although, I will miss their faces… I will not miss the juggling.

10) The way my kids constantly have to be in the kitchen and eat. They are so demanding: breakfast, lunch, dinner… over and over… every damn day.

Things I will miss:

1) my bed.

2) my kids laughing at my stupid jokes.

3) day drinking by the river with great friends.

Until next time,

Work will never take my freedom. Oh wait.

Ps- this post is dedicated to my great friends on the river. 

And another PS- check back on Monday morning for the annual post about why I am excited to go back to work. Apparently it’s a classic among teachers. 

This is for my river friends. Thanks for always being there and making me laugh. Xo