The Double Standard

So the flu came to our house and it came right in time for Christmas. It was kind of like the family that you don’t want to see but they invite themselves over anyway and basically annoy everyone.

First our sons had the flu and then my husband received the precious gift of sickness. When I talk about him being sick, I mean the flu basically knocked him on his ass for a full twenty-four hours.

I made sure that the kids didn’t bother Joe and I personally checked on him to make sure he was still living.

Then I got sick. The first thing I did to acknowledge and celebrate my illness last night was to clean the bathtub. Then today, I slept for four straight hours just to bolt upright, a little wobbly from dizziness, to acknowledge my ‘laziness,’ and pull my dying body out of bed to help with the kids.

So why do we, as women, do this to ourselves? Why is it so important for us to take care of everyone else and never stop and think that, ‘I should be taking care of myself.’? It’s guilt. Plain and simple. We have grown up in a society where it is the woman’s ‘responsibility’ to take care of everyone else and to put herself last.

Tonight I was helping my daughter make bracelets for all of her little friends at school and quietly asked myself, ‘what the hell am I doing?’ I am putting everyone else’s needs ahead of my own and at this moment, I am putting other people’s kids ahead of my own sickness.

‘Oh, what colors did Brooke want? Dark Pink, light pink and medium pink… ok! <eyeroll>’

The result of this, at least for me, is to get angry and rage and that is exactly what happened. Imagine how wonderful and pleasant we would be as women if we just cared for ourselves the same way we care for the world.

So, as usual, I made a list:

1. It is ok to get sick and to take the time to get better.
2. It is ok to need a break, leave the world behind and get a massage.
3. It’s ok to not get it all done today but it is not ok to feel guilty about it.
4. It’s ok to make a frozen pizza for dinner.
5. It’s ok for the kids to have dinner in a bag if it means a little more sanity for yourself.
6. It’s ok to open a bottle of wine and it’s ok if the bottle is open before noon.
7. It’s ok to use paper plates as your fine china.
8. It is ok if the laundry doesn’t get washed. Just smell your kids before they leave the house.
9. It’s ok to turn up that rap music in your minivan and pretend like you are in high school again. Yeah, go ahead and get those hydraulics.
10. It is ok to talk to yourself like you are your best friend. It sounds extremely cheesy but my therapist tells me that all the time and she is right. If we are own best friend, we would be happier and I personally would rather be the happy one instead of making sure the world was happier first.

People will survive if you are not there but will you survive if you are not there for yourself?

Until next time,

It’s ok- pass the wine while listening to rap music in a massage session with some man that has rippling biceps.

The Silence

I sit and listen to the silence. The only thing I hear is the ringing in my ears. I know I am alone in my thoughts- this is when I become the most dangerous.

I sit and wonder why I am here; I sit and wait for answers but they don’t come.

I wish there was someone who would notice my pain; someone who would notice my struggle but the only person that knows the truth about my struggle is me. My response to your question is, ‘I’m fine.’

Just as I beg God to send me someone or to end my being, I pick my head up and see the only person who is capable of helping me. She looks at me with sadness and compassion in her eyes. We stare at each other; holding our gaze just a little too long.

I reach my hand out to touch her and to make sure she is real. She reaches back to me. I finally feel like someone has seen me.

Her eyes are sad for me and her touch is cold. All she wants is for me to feel the love that she is struggling to show. There is a barrier between us and I can sense her discomfort.

She stares at me; unable to break free of the two dimensional prison that she is in. Then I realize that I am looking in a mirror. The girl is me.

I whisper a message of love to my reflection. Love yourself. I hear the words but my thoughts tell me I am not good enough. Here I stand hoping to hang on for one more day.

Until next time,

Allison

If you are struggling with thoughts of self harm or suicide, text the National Crisis Hotline at 741741

The 12 Issues at Christmas

So Christmas can be tough for some people. People that are lonely and people that don’t celebrate Christmas. I couldn’t imagine being Jewish- Christians would get on my nerves with their tinsel and Christmas songs.

So my 12 Issues with Christmas this year are as follows:

1) My oldest son was diagnosed with strep throat on Christmas Eve.

2) Bonus, he was also diagnosed with the Flu. We call that a Christmas miracle.

3) My oldest son, Vincent (9 years old) keeps questioning me about Santa. I didn’t tell him the truth but I can’t lie because my nostrils flare when I am lying. Yes, this is a thing.

4) My husband actually uses the grid on the back of the wrapping paper for measuring. I use it to cut straight. He actually counts the squares to make the gift actually fit. What kind of witch craft is this?

5) We gave the walking infection some medicine at breakfast. He threw up Tylenol, Amoxicillin and Tamiflu. Do you know how much money you just threw up at the breakfast table?

6) I searched for a certain toy for our son, Vincent, and we found it in Maryland. We traveled to Maryland and our son is like, this is cool… but it’s not the same thing. Don’t get me wrong, he was thankful but it wasn’t right so I was disappointed. At least in that trip Joe and I stopped by a shady restaurant for all you can eat pasta.

7) We bought Nicholas (7 years old) a drum set. It is for ages 3 and up. He barely fits and bonus, my head is thump, thump, thumping.

8) My daughter Emily (6 years old) wanted Hatchimals. If you dont know what that is, it is an egg that you hatch by giving it love and then you crack the egg and some hybrid animal pops out. There is currently tiny pieces of egg everywhere and a lot of weird animals.

9) I made bacon for the family. As that was warming, I went to make pancakes. It was not the usual brand that I buy so here I am trying to make pancakes that calls for eggs. We don’t have eggs. We improvised but still.

10) My husband bought some abstract cookies for Santa. I tried the cookies because that is my wifely duty and they were disgusting. What happened to plain chocolate chip cookies? I needed to get the taste out of my mouth and for a moment, I just thought it would be better to light my tongue on fire.

11) I ran out of wine last night after a half a glass. Clearly alcohol prepping did not happen this year.

12) My favorite day of the year is Thanksgiving night because we bring our elf out and start Elf on the Shelf. Joe hates doing it but I think it’s fun. Last night he goes to put the elf away. He raises the elf up to the heavens, puts the elf, Chippy Super Popcorn, on his shoulders and parades around the family room. Thanks… I’m so glad we have so much in common. 🙄

Until next time,

Have a happy holiday season and a wonderful new year! May you never know illness, may you never have pancakes that require eggs and may your wine never run out after a half a glass.