I Can’t Believe I Just Said That.

My son just started as a freshman in high school and this is the first year that he needs to get dressed in the locker room in front of the other kids.

‘I don’t want to do it. I don’t want people to see my underwear. I don’t want people to see me naked.’ -my son

‘First of all, you aren’t getting naked. Just take off your shirt, put on your gym shirt, take off your pants and put on your gym shorts. You will be in your underwear for like two seconds.’ -me

‘But what if I get made fun of?’ -my son

‘Why would you get made fun of? You have been working out all summer so you have little muscles and you have a six pack. Everyone is gonna be like… ‘oooh, look at how jacked this kid is…”

‘What if they see my penis?’ -my son

‘They won’t. You’re not taking off your underwear.’ -me

‘What if my penis is too small.’ -my son

And then, in that moment. I had diarrhea of the mouth…

‘Listen! You’re fine. No one is going to be looking at you anyway. You’re not getting naked. You have big muscles and…

Then without thinking, I just yelled out and ‘you have a huge penis!’

Then we both paused.

I was just commenting and saying the opposite of what he was saying and I just got on a roll and just blurted out that he has a huge penis. I don’t even see his penis but I didn’t want him to be self conscious so I was just saying all the opposites.

It just all happened so fast. And then the kid just started cracking up. Thank God he was laughing because I was mortified.

Until next time,

That’s how I am going to die. From diarrhea of the mouth.

It’s Time to Say Goodbye.

So if you haven’t been reading about my life, I have to update you. My eleven year old daughter, Emily decided that she wanted to pack up her room and put all of her Barbies into storage.

My whole life with her has been one spirited game after another of Barbies. Barbie would have sleepovers and go to Disney World. Barbie would go swimming and camping. She was a doctor, a fashion expert, a Disney Princess… Barbie was everything. She is a large chunk of my daughter’s childhood.

I thought I would be ok with her moving on and getting older. I thought I would be ok with her wanting to pack up parts of her childhood to make way for the pre-teen years. Today proved to me that I was anything but ready for this day.

Here is a list of the things I did while packing up her Barbies:

1) I picked up the first Barbie and put her in a bag and broke down in tears.

2) I lied to Emily when she asked if I was ok. I told her I was fine while tears are actively rolling down my cheeks.

3) I said goodbye to each individual Barbie. They all had their own names: goodbye Barbie. Goodbye Jessica. Goodbye Leah. Goodbye Ken. Goodbye Christopher. You could barely hear me over the sobs.

4) I had a fleeting thought of, can these Barbies breathe in that bag?

5) When Emily looked at me and asked me what I was doing, I casually told her I was saying goodbye to her Barbies… individually.

6) I sniffed Strawberry Shortcake like I was taking a line of cocaine.

7) I had the song from Toy Story 2 on repeat in my head, I believe it is called, When Somebody Loves You. It’s basically where Jessie’s owner drops her off on the side of the road because she was growing up.

8) I hugged her Elsa and Anna dolls from Frozen. Emily used to pretend that she was Elsa and I was Anna. She would take me to the snowy mountain everyday and there was a time she stopped calling me mommy and would only call me Anna.

9) I hugged Emily so tight and smelled her little head. She has grown so much.

10) I reminisced about all the times we played Barbies together. I reminisced about all the times I complained about playing Barbies and I thought about, if I’m lucky, I’ll get to play Barbies with her children.

Until next time,

Someone pass me Strawberry Shortcake. I need to take a hit.

Our Family Trip to California: Day 7, Departure Day

Today is our departure day:

‘This is the worst day ever. There’s no Starbucks and they don’t have fruit.’ -Emily 🍓

I was waiting in line for coffee when Joe told me it was time to board. Sad news, no coffee. Buuuut we got the two foot Stitch in the overhead compartment so things are looking up! ☕️

Joe was kind enough to let me sit in an aisle seat in a row far, far away from the kids so I could get a little vacation from our trip. Absolutely nice, however, the captain came on and said that for the next 1.5 hours the flight will be choppy from the incoming hurricane. So I need to know if it is socially acceptable to hold the kids hand next to me. He’s probably twelve but he looks nice. I hope he doesn’t mind an old lady death gripping his thigh. 😬

So the little kid next to me only speaks Spanish. He had to go to the bathroom and communicated this with the flight attendant. I had to move to let him and his sister out to the bathroom but when he came back, I had left my sweatshirt in his seat. He sat on it, grabbed it begrudgingly and handed it to me. I tried to apologize profusely in English but I don’t know if he understood me. I feel stupid for leaving my sweatshirt there and I have accepted that because of this mistake, there is no way he will hold hands with me now. 🫠

So the kids next to me have gone to the bathroom three times. Which is fine. What’s not fine? The flight attendant came over with two big brownies and cold milk. Excuse me sir, but I love brownies and I’m right here… I feel so left out with this brownie party. 🍩

So this kid next to me is taking up all the room. I’m squished and I’m starting to fall into the aisle. If I get hit by one more person or drink cart, I will cry and start a riot. I must assert dominance with this little twelve year old. BRB. 😜

Until next time,

It’s been one hell of a trip. Not a vacation, just a trip because a trip is with kids. And this was a triiiiiiip.

Our Family Trip to California: Day 5

This morning is Day five. We started with a crappy breakfast- Nicholas didn’t want to go to breakfast because he had a headache. When I suggested Advil, I told him he couldn’t take it on an empty stomach because it will make him nauseous. He insisted that I was lying to him to get him to eat breakfast. Like I have some elaborate plan to get him to eat eggs. 🍳

Because I created Nipdar (nipple radar: read Our Family Trip to California Day 4 if you are confused), my kids thought it would be ok to try to hit me in the nipple and yell out, ‘Nipdar!’ They got aggressive with the game while I was trying to lay down and nap before we went to the parks. I told them it was inappropriate to try to Nipdar me but they thought it was funny. As I was drifting off to sleep, they started screaming, ‘Nipdar’ and came right at me. Apparently, in my sleepy state, I screamed out, ‘you can’t hit my nipples! My nips are religious!’ Yeah, I don’t remember that at all! 🤣

I don’t know how many times I have to tell my boys not to use the word dick. It feels like a million because it is constant but they think it sounds better than penis. As we were going on a ride, Vincent wants to always be in the front of the line because, he, and I quote, has the power. Well, I pulled him aside and said, ‘wouldn’t it be nice to let someone else go first?’ And he said, ‘no.’ And I said, ‘I know you have the power, but maybe let someone else have the power sometimes?’ ‘Why, God doesn’t share the power.’ ‘Well, I made you and that’s pretty powerful.’ ‘ The only power that is is a dick going in to your hole.’ Maaaaan, I whirled around so damn fast. Wtf, kid? Wtf? 🍆

‘Hey mom, what is ironing?’ Where am I? How old have I become that my kid doesn’t know what ironing is? 🤔

Emily put on sunglasses and became Patricia long enough to tell me that my kids are grimy and needed showers. 💧

Until next time,

I need an elaborate plan for my kids to eat eggs and take showers. If Patricia can smell them, everyone can smell them.

Our Family Trip to California: Day 4

Today is now Wednesday, our ‘rest’ day. Nicholas, Emily and I were people watching at Disney. There was a giant Mickey statue for the 100th anniversary and a sign said, ‘Please Don’t Climb on the Statue.’ We are watching people not only climb on the statue but are allowing their kids to hang off of it like a jungle gym. We couldn’t believe how many staff members and security staff walked passed the families. Then one kid passes by the statue, probably about twelve years old, and screams… ‘oh my God! They are on the statue. The sign says ‘Do Not Climb.’ Security!!!’ The kid was dead serious and we all just cracked up- it was the best part of our day. 🤣

Emily was in the store buying her souvenir. The boys decided they had enough and asked to walk back to the hotel. Oh yeah, I’ll let you walk a mile back to the hotel in California all alone. Wtf? Yeah. No, you can’t do that. The boys decided they were leaving anyway and proceeded to leave the area until I couldn’t see them anymore. As I’m getting ready to go get them and ream them out, a lady next to me strikes up a conversation. ‘Are you from out of town?’ ‘Yes, we are from Delaware but I’m pretty sure the boys aren’t going to make it back because I’ll probably beat them first.’ And it was in that moment that I realized the woman was a Jehovah’s Witness. So I told some religious person that I was going to beat my kids. Maybe I do need to find Jesus. 🤬

Emily was shopping for her souvenir and wanted a two foot Stitch plushie. I said ‘no’ because how are we getting that on the plane? Naturally, Joe took her into the store to look for something else and sure enough, Emily bought a two foot Stitch plushie. That’s fine. Everything is fine. We just have to carry it a mile back to the hotel, one plane ride to Indianapolis, one tight connection to our next gate and one plane ride to Philadelphia and then one car ride to Delaware. Yeah, this is fine. 🧐

As we were walking back to the hotel, Nicholas was in such a crappy mood that I created Nipdar. It’s basically nipple radar. Before you get all bent out of shape, Nipdar was an accident. I accidentally hit Nicholas in the nipple and when he yelled that I hit his nipple, I just yelled out, ‘I have Nipdar!’ 🤣

We went to the Packing House for dinner. It’s basically a glorified food court. Nicholas ate dinner and turned into an asshole who just wanted to leave. He couldn’t understand why we couldn’t leave at the exact moment he wanted to. Um, maybe it’s because two people are still eating? 🤨

As we are walking through the grounds of the Packing House, Emily starts screaming- ‘eww, those people are kissing! Ewwww.’ OK, is it possible to use your inside voice outside? 🧐

When the Uber dropped us off at the hotel, I thought long and hard about leaving my kids in the third row of the car. They are driving me to drink every second. I actually took an, ‘Are You an Alcholic?’ survey online because my need to soothe with alcohol is so great. Luckily, I passed the survey but after this trip, I am not so sure. 🍸

Until next time,

Does our hotel do keg stands in the lobby?

Our Family Trip to California: Day 6

Today was Joe’s turn to go get a rental car. He specifically said he needed an SUV to accommodate our family. They initially gave him a pickup truck. Now, I’m all for a pickup truck if I can drive 75mph with my kids barely holding on in the back… the open road hitting them directly in their faces. I love them but they’re getting on my nerves. Luckily for the kids, the car rental gave us a minivan instead. Thank God for that third row seat. ❤️

‘You hear this song? (Money for Nothing) This was the first song debuted on MTV.’ -Me. ‘What’s MTV?’ -Emily. ‘Oh God. How old am I?’ 😳

We took the kids to Hollywood and saw the sign and the Hollywood Walk of Fame. We get out to the street where the stars are and Nicholas screams out, ‘is this it? Seriously?’ ⭐️

Joe took me to a 3.5 star hotel. As Vincent was taking a shower, Nicholas turned off the light in the main room. At the same time, Vincent started screaming, ‘someone shut off the lights!’ Sooooo…. are the lights connected? Coincidence? Probably not. It’s a 3.5 star hotel. ⭐️⭐️⭐️

Update: the light is a motion detector. But why put that in the bathroom? Well, at least this hotel has a toliet lid. Sidenote: I went to one hotel in NY that had a toliet with no lid. Eww. Gross. Shout out to my bffs, Andrea and Drew. 🤢

‘If aliens come down to earth, are we going to have a new form of racism? If aliens do come… do you think I can have an alien as a pet?’ -Emily. ‘Ummmm….’ -me 👽

‘God, what is wrong with Nicholas? He’s so cranky.’ -me. ‘Oh. He’s on his man period. It’s that time of the month.’ -Emily 🤣

Until next time,

The man period is real. I wonder if aliens have periods.

Our Family Trip to California: Day 3

Vincent is registered in Disney’s DAS program. It is basically for kids with disabilities that are unable to physically wait in a line. So our family gets in a virtual queue to get on a ride. Everytime we enter a ride, Vincent will just yell, ‘I have the power!’ 🤣

I felt like an all star today. First I got my kids pictures with Spiderman and then restricted access to the laser show. After the Disney employee opened the gate, I followed his directions to where we were supposed to stand. Once I got there, I turned around to face my family and the looks on their faces was priceless. ‘How did you do that?’ …my reply, ‘I’m just that good.’ Lmao. 🤣

So we went from being VIP to being not VIP. After the laser show, we took our dinner and ate on the ground. Nothing says Disney like eating Turkey legs on a sidewalk. 🤷‍♀️

Emily grabbed my sunglasses to let me know Patrica, her alter ego, was disappointed in our sidewalk Turkey leg. 🙄

Apparently Nicholas also didn’t like our impromptu picnic. He said he felt poor. Well, kid, be thankful we don’t eat sidewalk turkey legs often. Although, I wouldn’t mind eating turkey legs from Disneyland… even if I had to sit on the sidewalk. 🍗

After our romantic sidewalk dinner, it was time to head out and back to the hotel. Emily and Nicholas wanted to do one more ride but Vincent wasn’t having it. And since he has the power, we would have had to wait in the regular line like a peasant. Joe and I tried to explain to the kids that the park closed in fifteen minutes and the line would be much longer than that. Ultimately, our two kids could not wrap their minds around the concept of time and just basically melted down with the thought of going home. 🫠

And to reiterate the above… Nicholas wanted to go home at 6pm. And then Nicholas was mad when we asked to go home at 10pm. So, that makes sense. 🙄

Until next time,

Kids don’t make a bit of sense but the turkey legs were good!

Our Family Trip to California: Day 2

Today, Monday, was our first day at Disneyland. After the first ride our middle child, Nicholas, decided he didn’t want to do this- all of this. Disney and everything. So… that’s like 4K down the drain. 🤑

We went to the Sword in the Stone. It is basically a sword in a stone like the movie, The Sword in the Stone. Lol. Anyway, Vincent is convinced he can take the sword out of the stone and we had to try several times while a line was forming behind him. He is convinced he has super powers and I don’t have the heart to be like, no, you’re just average. 😘

Emily kept asking me about rides. Well, what is this ride like or is it scary? Listen sweet thing… I have NEVER been here before. If I had to tell her this one more time, I was going to leave her with Mickey and friends. 🫠

I told Nicholas that I was just at Disneyland for the snacks. The kid deadpan looked me in the eyes and said, that’s because you are on your period.’ Excuse me? First of all, how do you know that? 🧐

Emily has an alter ego, who comes out when she wears sunglasses. Her name is Patricia. Patricia put on her sunglasses and told me that she was unimpressed with our trip to California. Only peasants come here. Then she told me her boyfriend takes her to Europe every weekend. 🤣

Vincent and Nicholas had decided that they had enough for the day so we made the long trek back to the hotel. Both boys kept pulling me along because I am so slow. Finally, in the middle of the intersection, I just told them to leave me there because I knew it would have felt better to be run over by a car than being dragged through the streets of downtown Anaheim. 🙄

Until next time,

Please stop asking me questions about each ride.

Our Family Trip to California: the Chronicals- Part 1.

Our vacation started with going to the Admirals club, which is a club for American Airlines passengers. Joe knows I get nervous when I fly and so he got us reservations. So we were drinking mimosas and eating pita chips and hummus. My kids are having a great time, however, Emily put on my sunglasses and turned into her alter ego, Patricia. Patricia is sassy and snobby and she wanted to let me know that the airport Admirals club was a step up from my gnome house. Both in size and perks. 🤣

Emily, puts on a neck pillow as we are getting ready for the plane to take off, ‘if I die, I am gonna die comfy.’ 🧐

Emily went to the bathroom on the plane. When she came back she said it was a good time because of the turbulence. In her words, ‘it was so fun. I was just sitting there and wooo, back and forth just living my best life while I peed.’ 🤣

Emily lost a tooth mid flight. It was like her dream at 30,000 feet. It was not so much my dream because I don’t like teeth. But of course I had to deal with it because I was sitting right next to her. 🤓

A Lyft picked us up from the airport. We needed one for five people and what showed up? A man in a Tesla. Apparently, Tesla’s have a third row… large enough for a fetus but not a full grown person, not even a child. Nicholas was so squished he couldn’t even find his seatbelt. I didn’t like that he didn’t have his seatbelt but the driver was like, it’s fine and then proceeded to drive like a maniac. 😡

We needed a rental car once we got to the hotel and the Enterprise was about a mile away. Joe said he was going to take the kids to the gym and asked me to walk to get the car. Worried about human trafficking because I watch Dateline, I cried at the thought of walking all alone in a town I didn’t know. I finally pulled myself together, put on my best face and took that brave first step on the mile long journey. As I left the hotel entrance, I found that there was a Budget car rental, Right. Next. To. Our. Hotel. Yup, so Enterprise is just a mile, you say? Just out this door, make a right, follow my GPS on foot, turn right, then left and then I should be there? Oh ok. 🤔

It wouldn’t be a trip without a trip to urgent care. A door slammed on Emily’s hand. Poor kid but where are the reflexes? What? Too soon? 😬

After our trip to urgent care, my husband told me that he and the boys were at In N Out, a fast food restaurant on the west coast. Joe said it was only a half a mile so Emily and I started the treck in the hot California sun to the restaurant, only to discover it was over a mile away. Nothing like a sweltering hike in a place you don’t know with a kid who can’t understand that walking is also a form of transportation. 🙄

All of a sudden a man pulls up about a half a block in front of us and rolls his window down. We’ll, I was so worried about human trafficking and that this guy wanted my daughter… again, I’ve seen Dateline. I was well prepared to kick the guys ass and I was ready for a fight. Upon further inspection, I realized it was my husband and I didn’t recognize the car because it was a rental. 🤦‍♀️

We went to Medieval Times for dinner, a restaurant that features eating with your hands and a show filled with horse tricks, josting and fighting to the ‘death.’ Afterwards, the kids wanted to go to the gift shop. Vincent wandered off and again, worried about him being kidnapped, I panicked a little when I couldn’t find him. Finally, I located him and Joe having a heated discussion at the counter. I walked over to find that Vincent wanted a three foot sword. Sooooo, is that going to be a carry on in the flight back to Philly? I’m sure TSA would not be ok with a three foot, freaking sword. They aren’t ok with nail clippers. 🤦‍♀️

After dinner, we planned to see the sunset at Harrington Beach. The time was 7:07pm when we left dinner. I checked the sunset time and it was 7:41pm. I tried to explain to Joe that we wouldn’t make it by sunset but he kept assuring me that ‘the sun can’t go down exactly at 7:41pm.’ Sir, I can assure you that it can and it will and well, it did. 🙄

Until next time,

My hands are still sticky from eating with my hands but hey! I got this super cool paper crown.

Caught.

So last night we had really bad storms on the East coast and it knocked our power out for about six hours. Of course no power means no electricity, no internet, no air conditioning and eventually the little people we made start a mutiny.

When my kids (14, 12 and 11 yo) don’t have phones or TV to play with, they get extra cranky and constantly fight with each other and last night was no different.

By the time it was bedtime, I had had enough. The house was dark, noisy and smelled of flowers, rootbeer and apples because of the amount of candles we had burning. As my head was about to explode from the kids yelling and the mix of scents, I just wanted a drink and to relax. However, my husband, Joe, had other plans.

So we pretended we were Amish and went to bed at like 9:30pm because we had nothing else to do. I suggested talking to each other but apparently Joe just wanted to give up on the day and wanted to go upstairs so I conceded.

Naturally, when I go to bed, I automatically think, ‘yay, let’s have sex!’ But the kids were up so there I was… celibate for another day.

So naturally between the house not having air conditioning, the aroma of a dumpster fire of smells and my crippling anxiety because that’s fun, I woke up at 3 am. Naturally I grabbed my phone and talked to my bff who is currently living it up on vacation in Hawaii. As we are texting back and forth, Joe wakes up and asks what I’m doing. No surprise to him, I’m talking to my bff because I miss her so much.

Well, then one thing leads to another and since we are celibate every night because the kids are always awake, we decided to have a roll in the hay. So here we are, preparing the hay and having a good time doing it when we hear the creak of our bedroom door and in pops Nicholas (12 yo).

‘What are you doing? Wait. Are you guys having sex?!’

Of course the logical answer was no as we were undoubtedly naked from head to toe. So needless to say, we were celibate at 3 am. Blue ovaries one more time… you know because I can’t have blue balls.

Fast forward to this morning and Joe wakes me up with this elaborate plan for when I am confronted with the sex question from Nicholas. Joe just keeps yelling at me to ‘have a poker face! Put on your poker face- for the love of God!’

Joe goes to work and I am making breakfast and here comes Nicholas. His ass didn’t even make contact with the couch…

‘Hey mom. Were you and dad having sex last night?’ -Nicholas

‘No… we were sleeping naked because we were hot and the air conditioning wasn’t working.’ -me

‘Are you sure?’ -Nicholas

‘Yes, but if our door is closed, you have to knock. Do you really want to see your parents junk? Do you want to be in therapy forever?’ -me

And I did it. I kept a poker face… a celibate person just poker facing my way through getting caught trying to take a roll in the hay.

Until next time,

Maybe I can play in the hay today? Doubtful but I’m always hopeful.