Every year Joe and I take the kids to the local pumpkin patch. This year we added extra fun by picking ten pounds of apples. It was great except I don’t know what the hell I am going to do with ten pounds of apples… I’m not freaking Martha Stewart.
Either way, our pumpkin patch experience became more awkward after we picked the apples.
1) After the makeshift hayride back to the parking lot, Vincent said he had to use the bathroom. Well, with no porta potty in site, we told him to pee in a tree. As my son is literally sending his pee flying like a sprinkler with the force of a fire hose, I realized he is peeing on apple trees.
Why is this a big deal? Because the orchard workers told us to try an apple off the tree and see how it tastes. So naturally my thought is how many kids have peed on the apple tree that I just ate off of?
2) As Vincent is peeing, Joe and I are trying to keep it discrete. It would have worked great if Nicholas and Emily weren’t climbing out of the car screaming, ‘I want to see Vincent pee!’ Cool… let’s scream that in the parking lot. That’s fine… now everyone is looking.
3) As Nicholas made his way out of the car, he caught a glimpse of himself in the reflection of the car. And then… then I see him out of the corner of my eye shaking his butt and singing his favorite tune… ‘I’m shaking my hinny crack. Shaking my hinny crack!’
So yes. My son is singing and watching himself in the reflection of the car while dressed as spiderman. Then he starts this weird pole dancing maneuver which would have been advanced for an experienced stripper. So one son is peeing on fruit, one kid is pole dancing and your girl is asking to see her brothers junk.
4)Emily now realizes that Nicholas is dancing and says that the police are going to come and put him in jail for shaking his butt. As she is screaming people are still staring because Nicholas is still pole dancing as spiderman on the side of my car.
5) finally we get out of the car and the kids go into the pumpkin patch. Up ahead, there is a giant slide that resembles a giant penis from the outside. But when you get to the tip of the giant penis slide it could also be mistaken for a giant vagina. So all these kids are coming down feet first and they all look like they are breach. My kids get worried about their siblings and start poking their head inside of the giant vagina and it looks like their birthing each other.
So yes. This was an awkward, successful trip, filled with peeing on apples, pole dancing and seeing the miracle of life.
Until next time,
Golden Delicious (that was a reference to the apples not my stripper name. I only use that name on the weekends.)