The Difference is that I Kill Plants

Gardening. It sounds like a bad word. Dirt and weeding and watering and caring. I just can’t do it when I get a plant. I always feel bad when people give me potted plants because I know deep down that they will be dead in a few days.

So naturally, I am happy that we have raised kids this long. I’m glad I grew them in my enormous stomach and now I am responsible for watering, feeding and caring for this tiny person. I am so proud that our children are happy and healthy and then yesterday,  I figured out why…

The whole family was late getting home from school and work and dinner was later than normal. At one point, Emily started crying that she was staaarving and laid on the floor crying. Then she started freaking out saying that she couldn’t see and that it was so dark and we still had not eaten yet. The kid was throwing a fit. Just then, Joe bent down and said ‘Emily, you have on sunglasses.’

So crisis diverted till dinner is finished. But two minutes later, she is crying again that she is staaarving. Then it got silent. A few seconds later, she came into the kitchen with a giant apple which she washed herself in the bathroom sink.

So although I am proud that I have kept my kids alive, I am not so sure that yesterday was the best evidence for this. Thank God they can get their own food… I finally realized that all my potted plants starve to death.

Until next time,

Anti-gardener

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I Would Love Another Shot of Barium

Yesterday I had a CT scan with contrast for my kidney and I would like to give you the  top 10 reasons why CT scans suck:

1) CT scans suck because of the words ‘you must drink this barium.’ Enough said.

2)CT scans suck because the barium directions say rectally or orally but after tasting it you wonder ‘should I have taken it rectally?’

3) When you get into the into the room and they tell you that you need an IV yet you haven’t drank water all day or all week.

4) when you get to the CT scan room and they ask if your stomach hurts. Shouldn’t it hurt because I just drank 4 gallons of barium?

5) when they tell you that you will feel a burning sensation when they put the IV contrast in. What is this an STD?

6) when they tell you to stop the test if you do have the burning sensation in your IV. Are they out of their freaking mind? I am NOT stopping this for anything… I just drank four gallons of barium.

7)when the lady asked to take out your IV that’s good right? Except when five minutes later she asks you if she’s already taken out the IV. WTF.

8) when your stomach starts to rumble and you have to fart but you’re not sure if that’s what’s going to come out.

9) when they finally let you off the table and you have now crop dusted the entire nursing department at the CT scan.

10) When you get into your car and Dutch oven yourself all the way up the highway. Now that I think about it… I guess I should have rolled down the window. Genius.

CT scans suck but having a negative growth on your kidney was worth it.

Until next time,

Don’t bother me I have to use the facilities

F*ck you.

Life is full of precious moments when you have offspring. You never know how happy your kids make you until you start to realize that you are running out of all those ‘firsts’ with your children.

Yesterday Vincent got into the car and said ‘hey mommy, I have something I want to show you.’

As my mind started to wander to all of those special connections between a mom and her first little boy, I turned around and looked fondly at Vincent. And then it happened… my kid was giving me the finger.

‘Uhh… yeah that’s not nice.’ -me
‘Yeah I know. It just means I don’t want to be your friend anymore.’ -Vincent
‘No… that means something really bad.’ -me
‘Yeah… I know… I don’t want to play with you.’ -Vincent
‘Put your finger down son.’ -me

Yeah… this is that teachable moment when you should tell your son that he is smaller for his age and if he keeps flipping people off then he is going to get beat up.

Thank God for public school and their educational time on the playground.

F*uck off,

Short, round mom of three

Going to the Pumpkin Patch is Awkward

Every year Joe and I take the kids to the local pumpkin patch. This year we added extra fun by picking ten pounds of apples. It was great except I don’t know what the hell I am going to do with ten pounds of apples… I’m not freaking Martha Stewart.

Either way, our pumpkin patch experience became more awkward after we picked the apples.

1) After the makeshift hayride back to the parking lot, Vincent said he had to use the bathroom. Well, with no porta potty in site, we told him to pee in a tree. As my son is literally sending his pee flying like a sprinkler with the force of a fire hose, I realized he is peeing on apple trees.

Why is this a big deal? Because the orchard workers told us to try an apple off the tree and see how it tastes. So naturally my thought is how many kids have peed on the apple tree that I just ate off of?

2) As Vincent is peeing, Joe and I are trying to keep it discrete. It would have worked great if Nicholas and Emily weren’t climbing out of the car screaming, ‘I want to see Vincent pee!’ Cool… let’s scream that in the parking lot. That’s fine… now everyone is looking.

3) As Nicholas made his way out of the car, he caught a glimpse of himself in the reflection of the car. And then… then I see him out of the corner of my eye shaking his butt and singing his favorite tune… ‘I’m shaking my hinny crack. Shaking my hinny crack!’

So yes. My son is singing and watching himself in the reflection of the car while dressed as spiderman. Then he starts this weird pole dancing maneuver which would have been advanced for an experienced stripper. So one son is peeing on fruit, one kid is pole dancing and your girl is asking to see her brothers junk.

4)Emily now realizes that Nicholas is dancing and says that the police are going to come and put him in jail for shaking his butt. As she is screaming people are still staring because Nicholas is still pole dancing as spiderman on the side of my car.

5) finally we get out of the car and the kids go into the pumpkin patch. Up ahead, there is a giant slide that resembles a giant penis from the outside. But when you get to the tip of the giant penis slide it could also be mistaken for a giant vagina. So all these kids are coming down feet first and they all look like they are breach. My kids get worried about their siblings and start poking their head inside of the giant vagina and it looks like their birthing each other.

So yes. This was an awkward, successful trip, filled with peeing on apples, pole dancing and seeing the miracle of life.

Until next time,

Golden Delicious  (that was a reference to the apples not my stripper name. I only use that name on the weekends.)

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A Little at a Time

Isn’t it amazing how we watch the seasons every year? We watch the trees change their color- each leaf different from the next. Then we watch as the leaves die and fall off the trees and just when we can’t take the emptiness and the cold, new green buds start to appear. Summer is filled with large green leaves that protect us from the hot, scorching sun and then the cycle starts again.

I wish life was as simple as the life cycle of a tree. Yes, we are born, we live and then we die but we never get the same opportunities to start again every season… or do we?

Personally, I wish life was different. I wish I grew up different- I wish I was stronger, smarter and I wish I trusted differently.

I think looking back, I would like to be like the cycle of a tree. People sometimes don’t care about you and you can’t trust everyone and that is how I react. I bud, I blossom and then I start to get more fragile, I change and then I die. Trust is important and I just don’t have it in people.

I need to stop looking at my depression as something that will always be with me. I need to stop feeling that I am in the fragile cycle and then ultimately feeling like I want to die.

My husband and my kids are what keep me going. And as I’m writing this, Nicholas came over and told me he ‘wanted to cuddle with me because he loves me.’ And hearing that makes my life cycle bloom and blossom; and even for a little bit, I can shield myself from the scorching feeling of depression.

Just like the tree, we change and grow a little at a time. Life is just lived moment to moment. I just need a moment.

Until next time,

Weeping willow

And if you are having a crappy moment… talk to someone so you can start to blossom in the world around you. 🙂

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Psst… Can You Pass this Note to the Kid in Front of You?

Remember giving your friends a carefully folded note in between classes or in the middle of class during high school? There was such a thrill to get little folded notes with your name on it and little doodled hearts all over the front. Then, you would see your friend in the hallway and do the sly note pass.

Or you would get a note from a boy or girl and it was like ‘do you like me? Check yes or no?’

Well, I never got those notes because my hair was taking up most of the hallway and the boys didn’t have enough time to get through my hair before their curfew. It was either that or that they didn’t have enough money to pay for me and my hair. It couldn’t have just been because of my giant hair… but I digress.

Wow, how times have changed. Now with technology and texting and snap chatting and God knows what else, kids barely communicate. I am lucky if I get a glance in the morning when I say hello. And when they don’t say hello, I awkwardly get in their space until they greet me. Or I just make my hello’s so awkwardly over the top they have to say hello so I shut the hell up.

But now a days, there is no more creative note passing. It’s all texting and social media in high school. I don’t even know if my students know how to do the cool paper fold… maybe this should be a lesson plan that I could write with Higher Order Thinking Skills? I should probably give a pre and post test first and then I will collect the data because I LOVE data. I might even put it in an excel document to show my student’s progress, That would be super fun.

Today, during class, was a perfect example of how life has changed. In the middle of one of my classes, a male student started to play a song (attached below) for a female student and he got on his knee and asked her to hang out with him.

Now first off, I have to give the male student some props. Do they still use the word ‘props?’ Either way, he got down on his knee in front of the whole class. He got on his knee in front of my desk. This kid made a ring out of paper clips! It was seriously the sweetest and boldest jester that I have witnessed in high school.

The female student was very flattered and turned him down with grace. She told him that she didn’t know him well enough yet. Either way, I thought it was adorable and a sign that sometimes these kids can still be sweet and personable even with today’s technology. So congratulations male student! I thought it was sweet and bold and showed a lot of character and I was proud of you for not writing this on snap chat or twitter or anything else while including a horrible selfie.

Yours truly,

The teacher just taking in the scene… does popcorn come with this show?