Are You on Fire?

Tonight I was making six pounds of ribs on the grill. Everything was fine and then six minutes into grilling, my son is like, the grill is smoking. And I was was like, yeah, it’s supposed to. And then he is like, it is smoking a lot. So I got up and nonchalantly announced that our grill was definitely on fire.

Not only was the grill on fire but underneath the grill was on fire. The whole thing was a giant fire ball. So in my panic and after watching a lot of Good Morning America, I realized that I shouldn’t touch it and I should just call 911.

This is what I learned today:

1) I just got a new phone and I couldn’t figure out how to dial 911.

2) Just because you turn off the grill doesn’t mean the fire goes out.

3) Good Morning America has indeed saved my life and my house. My husband can’t make fun of me anymore for taping it.

4) The first thing to do is to get away from it. I shouldn’t bring out my children to access the situation.

5) In the future, I should never ask the 911 operator, ‘should I turn off the propane?’ Because he just started yelling at me.

6) Just because we migrated to the side of the yard doesn’t mean we were far enough away… we probably should move faster to the front yard in case of an explosion.

7) When I am on the phone with 911 it was important to request that the fire department keep their sirens off. There is no need for attention.

8) It takes approximately six minutes for the fire department to roll up to my house. Good to know while developing a fire safety plan.

9) The directions say low and slow on the grill for six pounds of ribs, however, it is possible for them to be flame broiled in eight minutes.

10) Despite what I see in movies, there wasn’t a hot muscular guy to save me from the burning grill and although that was disappointing, I was not disappointed by the abundance of hotties in uniforms carrying axes.

Until next time,

Are we still going to eat that?

To the Teachers

Some things to remember in the 2019-2020 school year… just be brave.

1) Be brave as you turn the corner to your school and find out it did not burn to the ground overnight.

2) Be brave and listen to what the students are telling you; even though you know what they are telling you is full of lies.

3) Be brave and know that after that third cup of coffee a bathroom break is in your future and thus a break from the kids.

4) Be brave and knowledgeable in your subject. I know you planned the lesson in the shower this morning.

5) Be brave as you approach that copier machine. For it smells fear.

6) Be brave when admin stands before you and presents you with data that no one cares about. Don’t lose your shit.

7) Be brave when the school hands you five pencils, three expo markers and one pack of post-its and tells you this will get you through the year.

8) Be brave when you look at your bank account because you had to go buy more pencils, expo markers and post-it notes.

9) Be brave when you ask the mandatory question of, ‘how was your summer,’ because you know the answer is, ‘it was too short.’ Try to not punch your colleague in the throat.

10) Be brave during team building. It is ok to ditch the team building and grab a beer with your ‘new’ friends.

11) Be brave when the district talks about sexual harassment and find that new teacher you can hit on.

12) Be brave when you have to do your school cheer. For it is lame and people will stare at you regardless.

13) Be brave when that one admin decides to sing and dance the new acronym for the year.

14) Be brave and eat all your desk chocolate that you have hidden when things get rough.

15) Be brave when the kids enter your classroom and half of them aren’t wearing deodorant.

16) Be brave when the front office has free food. You will get trampled.

17) Be brave when you get home from work and one glass of wine turns into one bottle.

18) Be brave and know that winter break is only three miserable months away.

19) Be brave and ask the kids to stay seated till the bell rings. They may retaliate. Stay strong.

20) Be brave during admin walkthroughs. They don’t know what they are looking at anyway.

Until next time,

Have a great, safe and brave school year!

A Compliment?

I love getting compliments from my children; unfortunately, they seem to be few and far between.

Tonight was no exception. I was cuddling my seven year old daughter and she looked up at me with tears in her eyes and said, ‘one day, I am going to look like you…’

And then she started crying. Not realizing if this was a good or bad cry, I asked her if it was a good or bad thing.

Then she proceeded to cry and said, ‘bad. I don’t want to get fat.’

And the compliments keep on rollin.’

Until next time,

You’re a real charmer

Disney World Was Definitely a Trip

So we were in Disney World for a week and are on our way home. To say this was a trip would be a grave understatement. It was more like the trip from hell. We had some good moments but ultimately it was a lot of mayhem and tears. Disney is supposed to be the happiest place on earth but those are lies they tell you. Here is the top twelve things that happened while on vacation… err, our trip.

1) The plane ride to Orlando was the highlight of our trip because everyone was happy and excited. This tells you something about how the rest of the trip went.

2) Our luggage did not have the correct tags on it to get to our hotel. So we never picked it up at baggage claim. Instead, Disney was nice enough to retrieve it and figure out how to get it to us in six hours… so 11 PM.

3) Our kids cried because it was hot… in Florida… surprise, tears everywhere.

4) Our kids cried because it rained… in Florida where it rains like everyday. So here we are crying while we are already wet.

5) Joe wanted to pack an umbrella and ponchos but I nixed that idea. Yeah, not smart considering it monsooned on several occasions.

6) Our kids cried because they had to wait in line for rides. Hello, Disney is the ultimate line. You have to wait in line for rides, bathrooms, food, permission to breathe. Everything has a line.

7) The middle child decided he doesn’t want his picture taken so on this trip he is basically non-existent because we have very little photographic evidence that he was even there.

8) Our kids love bbq so we thought, a great place to eat would be a bbq place. The only problem was they decided they didn’t like bbq that day. So we had pre-ordered two racks of ribs, two chicken breasts and legs, a half a pound of pulled pork and three sides of baked beans. So my husband and I did what any parent would do, we ate that crap and got the kids an all American cheeseburger because God forbid we order something they like to eat.

9) We went to a seafood restaurant except the kids didn’t want seafood. Luckily for Joe and I, they had chickent nuggets but the oldest decided he didn’t like chicken nuggets. I was surprised because he liked chicken nuggets when we were in Delaware. Florida is hot and causes a dislike of chicken apparently.

10) We walked ten miles everyday. At home, I literally walk zero miles. This was a total and awful shock to my fluffy and blubbery body.

11) My feet are sore and I feel parts of myself that I have never felt in all of my forty years.

12) Joe and I had alcoholic beverages with every meal. It wasn’t enough to soothe the pain from all the crying and complaining, line standing, rain, meat sweats and dripping sweat. When you get your disney tickets, they should really give parents IV’s filled with drugs and alcohol. And it should be the type of drugs that you shouldn’t mix with alcohol because in order to survive Disney, you need to be obliterated.

Until next time,

🎶 M-I-C-K-E-Y… why? Because we lie to you about how fun it is…M-O-U-S-E… 🎶

The Cup

I spent my night at the doctors office because Emily has been sick.

The doctor asked her for a urine sample and she is only seven. So I am in there holding the cup and she can’t pee so I make her chug some water. I put the cup back down and she still can’t pee. We did this for about ten minutes. Then finally on the last go around I am bent down with the cup, and she is right at eye level and she puts her nose to mine and says, ‘look, we’re bonding.’

And I thought that was funny enough but she goes on. ‘Hey mommy, when you have to do this, who holds your cup?’

She was floored when I told her that I hold my own cup. What I didn’t tell her is that I usually have pee up to my elbow trying to get a sample.

Until next time,

I don’t just bond with anyone

What’s Your Talent?

So Emily has been watching a lot of America’s Got Talent. However, today I realized how much she has been watching on her kids youtube.

We were playing Barbies and she always makes me be Ken. Being lazy, I try to make Ken stand up so I can do my Ken impression from a laying-down-on-the-floor position.

So here we are playing Barbies and I wedge Ken in an elevator standing of course. His head can be perfectly wedged against the ceiling.

‘Hi Barbie. What are you doing?’ -Ken

‘Hi Ken. I am practicing for America’s Got Talent.’ -Barbie (currently in a backbend position)

‘Oh, that’s cool. What’s your talent?’ -Ken

‘Oh, it’s contortion.’ -Barbie

‘…’ -Ken and me together, me on the floor and Ken with his head wedged in the elevator.

Until next time,

I can bend my body in ways you only dream of… -Contortionist Barbie