So my son, Nicholas, who is twelve asked if two of his friends could sleepover last night. Joe and I hate sleepovers because Nicholas is always so cranky the next day but we decided to let his friends spend the night.
At 9 pm, Nicholas and his friends, we will call one Kid 1 and the other Kid 2, come into the living room and beg us to take them to SkyZone, a local trampoline park. Joe wasn’t feeling well so I decided I would take them. Worst. Idea. Ever. And here is why:
1) the SkyZone theme was glow in the dark jumping from 9-11pm. We got there around 9:15 pm and pulled in to the parking lot to four cop cars in front of the place. This did wonders for my PTSD.
2) By 9:30 pm, we were checked in and all the kids (my three: Vincent 14 yo, Nicholas 12 yo, Emily 11 yo and then Kid 1 13 yo and Kid 2 12 yo) , started jumping.
3) At approximately 9:32 pm, Emily came to the table and informed me that the cops were there because some kids started fighting each other. Excuse me? We just got here and you already know what happened? How?
4) Now it is 9:47 pm. We have been here like for fifteen minutes; Emily comes over to me and says, ‘I have nothing to do.’ Umm… it’s a place filled with trampolines… how about you jump for starters?
5) Kid 2 comes over five minutes later and tells me he lost a tooth. I’m panicking because I take these kids out once and the kid lost a tooth. So I am practically screaming, ‘which one? Which one?’ And he feels his tooth with his tongue and says, ‘oh nevermind. I forgot I lost it earlier today eating gushers.’
I’m sorry, what?
6) Kid 2 came back after the tooth incident to grab a slushie. I am sitting by the counter, scrolling facebook and I just hear someone yelling. I look up and it’s Kid 2 yelling at the workers for a slushie. I informed Kid 2 that he shouldn’t yell at the workers because they would undoubtedly spit into your drink.
Hopefully he wasn’t yelling at them but maybe he was just excited about the slushie. I know how I get around frozen beverages.
7) at approximately 10:15pm, all five of the kids decided that they were done jumping and wanted to play arcade games instead. I just paid $135 on my credit card and you all decided you want to play arcade games?
Vincent came over multiple times wanting two dollars. I explained to him that I only had a large bill on me to which he replied, ‘so you have two dollars?’ Umm, no.
Kid 2 asked me if I could give him four cents on Apple Pay. Being old, I went to pull out four pennies but was informed it had to be on Apple Pay. I kindly explained to him twice that I don’t have Apple Pay but he didn’t understand.
8) At 10:35 pm, the kids went back to jumping. Except Vincent, he just wandered around hoping for two dollars. Then two seconds later, Kid 1 comes hobbling down the steps screaming, ‘my balls, my balls! I got kicked in the balls!’
9) At 10:37 pm, Emily came back to the table to inform me she had nothing to do and was bored. So she came back to the table like three times to tell me the same, damn thing.
10) At approximately 10:39 pm, Vincent came to the table to tell me he landed on his neck and he was extremely concerned that he was paralyzed.
11) Finally, God answered my prayers at 11pm when all the lights came on! Trying to be a nice parent, I told the kids I would take them to Wawa (a local convenience store) for slushies. We buckle our seat belts and we are off! And then Vincent turns to me and asks me if we were going to Wawa. Why? Just why?
12) We get to Wawa and I tell the kids they can get one thing. Every single kid came up to me and asked if they could get two things and I told them no. So disappointment all around.
13) I hear random screams and I look over and Kid 2 is screaming and doing some kind of dance or twerking in the aisles of Wawa. I was losing control.
14) We are finally checking out after I lost my shit on all the kids because everyone wanted more than one thing and as we are checking out, Kid 2 has a Monster. I asked Kid 2,
‘does your mom let you have this?’ -me
‘Yes, all the time and they have it at school.’ -Kid 2
So not wanting to challenge another parenting style, I let Kid 2 get the Monster… yes, it is close to midnight.
15) We finally all get back into the car and we are off! We get to the street and Kid 1 said his seat belt is locked and won’t work, so I pull off and turn on my flashers.
16) Then Kid 1 starts fixing the seat belt and realizes he can’t find his phone. So here we are on the side of the street. He is checking his pockets, his book bag, the car… it goes on. Finally he steps out of the car, tosses his back pack, his sweatshirt and God knows what else onto the curb. Gets back in the car, puts back on his seat belt and shuts the door. I’m just staring at him. ‘Umm, do you want to grab your stuff that you LEFT ON THE CURB?!’ His response, ‘oh yeah!’ 🤦♀️
17) So Kid 1 still can’t find his phone so we go back to Wawa. Kid 1 gets out of the car, then gradually Nicholas gets out, Kid 2 gets out and Vincent gets out. I’m looking through the car and Emily is casually licking a lollipop while I’m freaking out.
18) I look up and see four boys running amuck in Wawa. I walked in with Emily and just screamed out, ‘it’s like herding chickens!’ One kid is at the slushie machine, one kid is at the counter, one kid is wandering aimlessly around the aisles and I beeline to the counter. I stare at the Wawa associate and said,
‘I need help. I stupidly told my kid he could have a sleepover. Now I have all these kids, Kid 1 lost his phone. His mom is gonna kill me… why don’t you guys sell alcohol?’ The Wawa associate just looks at me and says,
‘ma’am, just write your name and number down and we will call you if we find a phone.’
19) I write to everyone’s mom. I’m this close to going through the trash can and having a mental breakdown. I tell Kid 1’s mom about the phone and I tell Kid 2’s mom about the Monster.
20) Kid 2, came out immediately and apologized for the Monster because he WASN’T allowed to have it. Then he asked if he could return it and I am panicking about the phone and say, sure. Well, he couldn’t return it because I used self checkout.
21) Kid 1’s mom starts pinging Kid 1’s phone and we finally find it… in the car, balancing on the passenger seat head rest. Finally, we were about to leave.
22) Kid 2 goes to get in the car. Looks me dead in the eye and says, ‘can I try to sell my Monster?’
I look Kid 2 dead in his eyes and tell him, ‘we aren’t selling things in the parking lot of Wawa close to midnight! We sound like drug dealers! Get in the car.’
23) I tell all the kids to put on their seat belts and they were fooling around. I must have looked like a serial killer because I turned around and Kid 1 looked at me and almost crapped his pants and just started screaming, ‘just put on your seat belts… just put on your seat belt!’
24) We finally get home and Kid 2 is thirsty because he didn’t have anything to drink. I did feel bad but I had to stay strong. He wanted soda but he got apple juice.
25) I told Joe everything that happened and and hearing him belly laugh and watch as the tears streamed down his face at my expense was totally worth the shitty night I had.
Whew, and that was my night. Consider this your PSA to not let your kids have sleep overs and don’t let them coerce you to take them to a trampoline park when you know damn well you should be in your pajamas. Lol.
Until next time,
Even today I need a Xanax.