Attention Pet Owners…

Ok, so I went on a photo shoot on Tuesday and then I went to a restaurant at the marina. It was a beautiful sunset and as I am enjoying mother nature, here comes two women with their dogs. One dog was walking and one was in a baby carriage. A fucking baby carriage. And then they proceeded to come up to where I was sitting and the lady put her dog into a front carrier attached to her body. Let’s analyze this…

1) a fucking baby carriage. You actually bought that? They have four legs… two more than humans… they are supposed to walk.

2) a fucking front carrier? Do you also breastfeed?

3) I love dogs but they don’t belong in a restaurant unless it’s a service dog. I don’t want the wind to blow a certain way and to have dog hair on my ahi tuna wrap… you twit.

4) dogs are supposed to walk and smell the roses. They are supposed to take a shit on said roses… You just deprived your dogs from taking a shit.

5) I’m sure you think it’s adorable to do this to your dogs. It’s borderline psychotic. Find a baby to walk in a carriage. Is empty nest syndrome this bad because I am celebrating in thirteen years!

6) you look like a tool. There. I said it.

7) do not. I repeat… do not put the dog up to the table. You know why? Because the dog is going to lick it and people eat there. Your dog just licked his balls and is now licking the table that you and others will be dining on.

8) I hear you yelling at your dog not to eat your food. It’s a dog. The dogs whole life is to eat, sleep and poop. You already took two things away from him.

9) what are all the other dogs going to think of him? He probably gets made fun of at the dog park… if he is even allowed to go. Poor dog.

10) please worry about what other people think. Normally I am so against this but in this case, I just wrote a blog about how idiotic it is thst you treat your dogs this way. Do me a favor and stop.

Until next time,

I’m buying a dog so it can bully your dog.

My Kids Are Wearing Me Down

Being a stay at home mom is the toughest job ever. I just looked at myself in the mirror. I am fat, disheveled and I ate chocolate chips for lunch. 

My kids are driving me nuts and I love them but there are a few reasons that they are getting on my nerves…

1) Vincent had appendicitis a couple weeks ago. He had it on the day we were leaving for the beach. After surgery he wasn’t allowed in the ocean or pool. He turned to me on vacation and said, ‘you guys owe me a four day vacation because I had surgery.’

-listen kid. You just cost me like three giant medical bills. You owe me a vacation.

2) The constant whining. I don’t feel good today and I offered them to have a snack for lunch and they are whining about it. 

-Eat chips… they are made from potatoes and I am pretty sure those chocolate chips you are eating are made with dairy. Plus chocolate has a cancer fighting mechanism… you’re welcome.

3) Barbies. I am constantly playing Barbies but I am usually Barbies dog who doesn’t know how to talk.

-Ok… can I have a speaking role? I think I am ready.

4) The insults. My kids call each other stupid head. ALL. DAY. LONG.

-Step it up a notch. Try stupid mother fucker and see how much more effective that is.

5) Constant eating. Where is it going? Sometimes we just run out of food. My tiny people need to learn how to ration.

-Godforbid we are in some kind of zombie apocalypse situation. They are not allowed in my bunker because they will eat our supply in a few hours.

6) Screen time. I am sick of regulating it. Just watch it so I can have some peace.

-Honestly, I think they learn more from screen than me. The boys just gave me the definition of immune. Thank you Lion Gaurd and Disney Junior!

7) I am tired of being a human couch. My three kids just have to sit on me. It is so bad that we have to rotate every five minutes.

-I finally wised up and put in a fourth five minute interval for mommy time. I am living it up for five minutes in every twenty minute rotation.

8) Pooping. I can’t wait to go back to work so I can poop alone. Right now they find me. I don’t know how and I don’t know why but they know my every move.

-They come to tell me the following: their hopes, their dreams, the best part of their day! They share with me what they are eating and drinking. How hungry they are and if I want to play with them. All this while I am wiping my ass.

9) Three square meals a day. They don’t want three… it’s more like we never leave the kitchen. I put this in twice, not because I am running out of material but because people need to prepare if they have children.

-Prepare. Prepare to spend money on food and still share everything that is on your plate.

10) Pretending to be active. We go on walks and bike rides that last at least an hour.

-We are actually only going around a long block but there is so much whining and crying that it takes extra long. Then we have to collect rocks and leaves and sticks to throw in the creek. Someone is always falling off their bike or having a near miss with a car no matter how many times I tell them to stay next to the curb.

Just to prove that I have one more left…

11) Fighting about clothes. My kids just can’t get their shit together. They wear shorts for two weeks at a time, Vincent prefers to wear his shirts inside out and sometime backwards… He claims he is waiting for snow since that is what we do before a big snowfall. I don’t even know when my kids last changed their underwear.

-I guess I am leaving their laundry up to mutual good faith. I know that we taught them all the right rules about changing their clothes and I am certain that they are not doing it. I guess that shower once a week will help with the smell.

Until next time,

Pass me the chocolate chips

You Look Tired…

So I went to get my eyebrows waxed yesterday because face it, my eyebrows had their own zip code and they were starting to receive their own mail. It was time to go to the salon. I walk into a brand new salon recommended by a friend, (thanks Wendy) and after a twenty minute wait, I was taken back to ‘the room.’

I call it ‘the room’ because that is where they painstakingly take out each eyebrow hair and where they get comfortable giving you all type of comments. The door wasn’t even shut and I got the, ‘You look tired’ comment.

Yes, lady… I am tired and let me give you a list of reasons of why I am tired:

  1. For starters, I have three children; eight, six and five. I am tired. I haven’t slept in eight years… maybe that’s why I am tired. Someone is always coming to my room to tell me that they had a nightmare or they can’t sleep or can they play with my phone at 6am. Yes, I am tired. When was the last time someone handed you a booger while you were sleeping?
  2. I just went to a professional development conference. Yes, I worked in the middle of my summer vacation. Of course I am tired. My body is used to sleeping in until 8am with disruptions here and there about nightmares, screen time and boogers.
  3. I’m fat. Yes, I ‘diet.’ Which means I think about dieting and that is tiring. I am tired thinking about dieting. It’s exhausting. What will I eat today? Bread and water? Oh no, tacos. Yes, I am exhausted.
  4. I have three kids right? Well they are sitting on me at all times. ALL TIMES. If I go to take a crap someone is still asking to sit on my lap. If I lock the door, they pull on it until I give up. All times. All. Times.
  5. My kids are on a swim team. I go to practice, I go to meets, I live at the pool. I am getting sun. Do you know what that does to a teacher? First off, when school is in session we are getting up at the same time farmers do… and there is no sun at that time. We are getting out of school at the same time strippers are getting ready to go to work…. no sun. So yes, I am sitting in the sun, baking and the sun takes energy and hydration from you. That’s why I drink.
  6. Yesterday, I left cherries on my counter to dry overnight. Smart right? Except we have a tiny ant problem. They were all over the cherries by the time I got home from work. My husband almost ate an ant farm. When he asked me why I left out the cherries, my response was…’well, I leave out the bananas no problem.’ I got a disapproving look. Either way, I am tired from battling an army of ants. An army of ants on a BLACK countertop.
  7. I am tired because my kids are scared at night to go to bed. Yup, they go to bed when the sun is still up, they have Christmas lights on upstairs and the laundry room light but they are still scared and they tell us constantly. All. Evening. Long. “I’m scared. I’m scared. I’m scared. It’s too dark” For the love of God. When you close your eyes it will be dark anyway so just shut up and go to sleep.
  8. I am so tired because I am already having back to school dreams. Seriously. It’s July. Lesson plans, fire drills, my darkroom flooding… yeah. I wake up in a cold sweat almost every night so yea, I am tired.
  9. I am sick of dishes. Like I want to vomit. Every time I do the dishes, there are more dishes. Like I just want to tell the kids to eat off of napkins and drink from the milk jug. I don’t care because that is how many dishes I have. Live it up… eat from a paper plate… eat off the floor… oh wait, ants. Nevermind.
  10. I am tired of being asked if I am tired. Ok, so maybe I haven’t worn makeup all summer long. So just because I went to a professional development day and put it on for the first time in a month and a half doesn’t mean you have to point out that I did a shitty job covering up my dark circles. If you read the above reasons as to why I am tired then you should be proud that I don’t have dark hula hoops under my eyes that kids are trying to play in.

Until next time,

Leave me alone and let me sleep while you wax my eyebrows and suggest that I need to wax my stache’ as well. Thanks for that compliment by the way… that really topped off our appointment.

This blog is dedicated to Lorraine. Lorraine, thank you for coming up to me and asking me if I was the one who wrote this blog. You made me feel special and famous and it was cool to meet one of my blog readers that is outside of my circle of friends. Hopefully we can see each other again!

Yup. Those are Mine.

I went to get my oil changed yesterday with all three of my cherubs. After an hour’s wait the Honda man sprung me from the kids waiting area to tell me that my car was ready. Sweet baby Jesus, I was able to go home but first, i had to pay.

I approach reception and the Honda guy is explaining what they did to my car. All I hear is blah, blah, blah, oil, tires, blah. As he is talking my kids have already gone into the maintenance area, stepped outside and banged on the vending machine to see if they were lucky enough to get a free Pepsi.

That’s when the receptionist lady turns to me and says,

‘Are all these children yours?’ -lady

Now I’m looking around for a high number of children and I see only my three…

‘Yes… They are all mine.’ -me

‘Oh! I thought you ran a daycare or something!’ -lady

…yes lady, this is my life. They are alllll mine… all three of them.

Until next time,

Let’s paint my mini van yellow with a black stripe on the side 

It Hasn’t Even Been a Month

I have gone from a working mom to a stay at home mom because I am a school teacher. It hasn’t even been a month and I think I am dying. Here is a list of what my life has been like:

1. I have been sitting on the couch but not alone. Oh no, my kids need to all be touching me. It’s so bad that I have to do five minute intervals of ‘who gets to sit on mommy.’

2. I have gone on one bike ride and lost a child.

3. Vincent asked me to go to McDonald’s and I told him we could go maybe once a month. He just informed me that we went last week which was June and this week was July.

4. The kids are on a swim team. Vincent is the only one that is ready to be in the meets. His freestyle consists of doing the dead man’s float down the lane and hoping for first place… he really is clutch on the relay team.

5. I am constantly in the kitchen… my kids don’t stop eating. I ran out of food.

6. Nicholas won’t stop kissing my feet and he does this weird stripper dance that I find hilarious…. neither thing is connected.

7. Beer has been my summer fling in order to get by.

8. I have watched more Pokemon then I care to ever watch in my lifetime. I finally made up my own Pokemon to piss my son off. His name is Dorito and he has spicy powers.

9. I have taught my kids the following words while frustrated: damn, shit and fuck. 

10. My kids want to know about original sin but only when we are in the car. They have also asked google to show them pictures of Jesus, the Virgin Mary, Adam and Eve and God himself. Thank you Google for having documentation and pictures of the Lord.

Why Did Jesus Die?

“Mommy, why did Jesus die?” -Nicholas

“Because of original sin and so we could get to heaven.” -me

“What’s original sin?” -Nicholas

“Adam and Eve were living in the Garden of Eden and God told them not to eat from the apple tree but the devil came in the shape of a snake and told Eve to do it and she did and fed the apple to Adam and then they were banished and realized they were naked and then they were ashamed and that was all about original sin.” -me

“Ok. Can you tell the story about Adam and Steve again?” -Vincent

“It’s Eve. Not Steve.” -me

“And why were they naked?” -Nicholas

“And why did Adam eat the apple?” -Emily

“Yeah, when I become president, I am going to make a law that you can’t eat apples.” -Vincent

“Yeah, Donald Trumpet should make that law.” -Nicholas

“Mommy, were they green apples?” -Vincent

“No. I think they were Pink Ladies.” –me

“Is the devil in me?” Emily

“Why was the devil a snake?” -Vincent

“Did Adam and Steve get married?” -Nicholas

“Eve. It’s Eve.” -me

Until next time,

That was a cozy bedtime story…