When Death is on Your Doorstep

I am sick- I feel like i look like a cartoon character that is so sick that it changed to that weird green color. I feel like death but did you ever notice that no one cares if you are sick unless you have a high fever or you are puking?

All I want is silence and blankets and to sit next to the fire until it melts off my face.

But alas, now that I have been a parent there is no time to be sick. I still have to parent and on days like today I have to pretend to care. Like caring about Emily’s imaginary horse that she so lovingly and loudly brought to Friendly’s. It only happened several times while the waitress came over to check on us. Emily was literally talking to the air while the waitress was coming over to ask us about ice cream.

Meanwhile, Nicholas is affectionately calling me ‘his cooch.’ (Read the blog ‘Nicknames’) Not just silently but loudly, in public as we are eating lunch. I think I am going to start calling him ‘my schlong.’ But I am going to affectionately call him this till he’s eighteen. High school is going to be fun… whenever he plays sports, I’m going to be like ‘that’s my schlong!’

Now, I am finally back from lunch with Nicholas and Emily. I am laying under the blankets, hoping for silence but it doesn’t come. So far Emily has given me fake juice, a pretend sponge bath on the couch and a flashlight. I am not sure what the light is for but whatever.

I am going to sign off because I am close to death. I love all you schlongs out there… thanks for reading.

Until next time,

Your green, sick cooch.

Clothes are Unnecessary.

 

So yesterday was extremely interesting. It started off with my regular 5 am swim, but this time, instead of forgetting a towel, I forgot underwear. Not a big deal… guys can ‘free ball’ it so I figured I can ‘free ovary’ it. Everything went well but going outside afterwards was a wake up to my lady parts. I didn’t realize what type of protection underwear gives you- Thank you ‘Hanes Her Way!’

I rushed home to get Vincent and a pair of underwear and when I get inside Emily is talking to me about nothing. She is almost four and she started talking in a language that I didn’t understand. She was just rambling about princesses, ponies and doing her hair and nails. But it wasn’t in any kind of order so I just nodded my head like I knew what the hell she was talking about. Trying to get out of the house for work is difficult when your three your old is hanging on to you still talking about princesses.

Then Vincent and I are on our way to school. I ask him the usual mom questions: ‘are you excited about the school day? Are you excited to see you friends? Blah, blah, blah.’

And then he began answering me but I wasn’t understanding his answers and then I realized, my son is talking to me in tv and movie quotes. At this point, I am slowly giving up with conversation but I figured I would try one more time. However, conversation doesn’t work well if the other person has his coat over his head, trying to sleep. Yeah, he is six and already putting his coat over his head. Am I boring you that much? I’m sorry, you make me watch ‘Caliou’ and ‘PJ Masks’ on loop. You don’t see me putting a blanket over my head to sleep while you are watching tv. I sleep right out in the open because I have respect. God, be respectful and just tell me that I am boring.

Then I went to work. I stole souls and crushed some dreams. Then I left.

I picked up Vincent and then the younger two and as I am coming out the to car with Nicholas and Emily, Vincent is screaming ‘I have to go to the bathroom.’ So the kid hops out of the car and I don’t know what to do so I let him pee in the snow. As I am letting him pee, here comes one of Emily’s teachers who parked right next to us, trying to get into her car. Yeah, that might have been embarrassing, until Vincent starts screaming, ‘I peed my pants!’ And this poor woman is still trying to leave for the day. So here is Vincent crying that he is wet. I have to strip him down… there was pee everywhere… even in his shoes. Can some guy explain to me how you pee in your shoes? So I literally take off everything and tell him to ride home naked. I turn around and there is Nicholas… he has taken off all of his clothes because, well, why the hell not? So I am taking home two naked boys and one little girl who is thankfully, still dressed for a small blizzard. Thank God I didn’t get pulled over because that would be hard to explain.

When we get home, Joe is already home. I get out of the car and I tell him, ‘I can’t make this shit up.’ And as the doors of my minivan slowly open, two little naked boys come out of the damn car butt naked in the middle of winter.

There are no words. I just can’t make this stuff up.

Until next time,

My minivan is the equivalent of a naked clown car.

 

 

 

 

 

Snowpocalypse Day 4

Well, it’s day four. The oldest stayed home and the younger two went to school.

I took a nap. I took a freaking nap!

I worked on my photography website. Wth? I was able to work?!

I picked up the younger two at 3pm and then mayhem insued. I literally was looking for bridges to jump off of on the way home. The kids just started touching and hitting and screaming. We live like three minutes from daycare but it was three minutes of hell.

We finally got home and it was like the WWE but with more tears. Well, come on kids, if you are letting your older brother swing you around by the collar of your shirt, what do you think will happen? You will get hurt. So don’t tell me he hurt your pinky. Are you rough housing? Ok… next time be smart, get on the top of the ropes and give him the chair. It’s not hard.

‘Thomas the Train: the Magic Railroad’ is enough for someone to really break and commit suicide. One of the Baldwin’s is in it and I just wonder ‘were you really that desperate for money?’ I would have paid him not to do that movie. And the trains talk but none of the trains are moving their mouths but they have no trouble making facial expressions. There was lots of rainbows and magic gold dust and weird plot lines. And then it hit me. The producer was on acid when he made this movie.

Then the kids were sitting on the love seat  with me. Why? The house is big enough for all of us. Why are you sitting on my lap while I’m working and for the millionth time… the computer is not a damn touch screen. Stop touching it!

Right now, I had to give myself a mommy timeout and do some therapy skills. So I meditated and then I realized that the meditation is not long enough because I have to go back and referee the kids. Meanwhile, I keep thinking if it’s too early for them to go to bed. I just need silence and alone time. Alone time. All alone. Alone. I can’t get it anywhere in this house- even the bathroom. It’s like they have a GPS on my ass.

I’m going now. If you don’t hear from me in the next couple days, I found the bridge.

Until next time,

A mom on the edge

Snowpocalypse Day 3

Dear diary,

I am so sorry that I passed out last night from pure exhaustion before I had time to click the ‘publish’ button. To all of my fantastic readers, I am sorry I left you on the edge of your seat just wondering what happened in day 3.

So yesterday was like Day 2 and Day 2.5; time stands still and sometimes you are convinced that the clock is going backwards.

It started off with making eggs- enough for two kids. It’s funny how you ask ‘who wants eggs?’ and two kids say yes and one says no. Then you make the damn eggs and the other kid wants eggs but there are no damn eggs left. Now you have to cook more eggs because the kid that is still hungry won’t stop growing.

After that, it was cleanup time. God forbid I ask them to clean up their toys- mayhem ensues. All of a sudden all three kids are dying.

I called Joe for reinforcement but he could only give me twenty minutes at lunch time- yes it was something but I needed a little more… like an entire afternoon of help. When I say reinforcement, I need guns blazing and I need to hunker down in a bunker because the kids are crazy.

I needed to let the kids go outside. Yup, forty minutes getting ready and twenty minutes of play time. Yup, all the same issues. They are wet and cold. Maybe this is why you shouldn’t let your brother and sister bury you in the snow. I don’t know; just a thought. It’s not like July and you are covering yourself in sand- it’s snow. Let me tell you about snow- it’s wet and it’s cold and our family does not own snow pants or boots. You are going out there with two pairs of pants and my socks and your sneakers. That’s how I was raised- you will survive… UNLESS you let your siblings bury you in the cold, wet SNOW.

Lunch time… still not much food so chicken nuggets for the third day in a row is good. I made it more healthy by adding organic applesauce. That seems like a balanced diet.

Quiet time… was not so quiet but it was two hours to do important things like watch ‘The Night at the Museum.’ Never saw it- good movie. Ben Stiller was really believable as a night security guard who took care of all the exhibits that became alive. To be honest, T-rex scared me because I have seen ‘Jurassic Park’- dinosaurs eat people.

Finally it was 3:30pm… so happy about this because I was able to go to therapy! Woo! I was so excited to get out of the house. I would rather go to therapy then take one more minute of ‘Thomas the Train Engine’ or ‘Wally Kazam.’ I would even rather go to the GYN. Now that’s saying something. First off, at the gyn, their equipment is cold and when they say ‘you will feel two fingers checking your ovaries,’ that’s bullshit because it feels like an entire fist is up there. Like a family of fists. Yeah, I would have rather done that but thankfully it was therapy and I like my therapist.

I finally got home and the kids were hugging me and kissing  me. It was great to be home and then three, tiny people started asking me for three different things. I don’t even think that I had my shoes off yet. When can you get your own milk?

I forgot to go to Bj’s (haha, bj’s) today and we are still cleaning out the pantry for dinner and because of that… what did the kids have for dinner? More eggs! Woo! I hope their cholesterol is ok.

Now, the kids are in bed and I can pour myself a cold one. Tomorrow is another day of Snowpocolypse Day 4. Stay tuned.

Until next time,

I need a friend to drink with. ‘Wilson?! Wilson!’

Snowpocalypse Day 2.5

Dear diary,

It’s been like five hours since I wrote to you last. The kids are finally asleep but it was a struggle.

I left off at quiet time. Nothing happened… they were actually quiet. I don’t know what happened but I was so scared.

Joe and I took naps. Watching ‘Game of Thrones’ bores Joe and watching ‘Little Chamers’ on Nickelodeon bores me. We all have our weaknesses.

Meanwhile, the kids wanted to fight over who gets to play with the phone. Except they are watching YouTube. Wth? We have a flat screen tv. Why do we need to watch things on my phone? And all I hear is ‘I can’t see it! Wahhh!’ Well no crap, the screen is like three inches but our tv is like 36 inches. Think kids. Think.

Joe and I had nachos again for dinner. But these nachos were special because they were left over nachos from last night.

The kids had the luxury of oatmeal. Thank God it can be made with water- milk is scarce and we need it for hot chocolate parties.

Vincent played with Legos and I was impressed by his imagination. He asked me if I wanted a Lego lesson. He actually called it a lesson. Then at the end when I followed his verbal directions he told me that he ‘was proud of me for listening to his step by step directions’ and then he called me a ‘master builder.’ See… it’s not that hard to listen to directions kids. Why can’t you follow my step by step directions… for example, go to the bathroom? Not hard.

Although I am now a master builder, I still prefer to burn all the legos.

Next up… more phone time. Vincent watched ‘Sofia the First’ but it was in a high pitch, chipmunk like fashion. I was frightened. Meanwhile, it was supposed to be movie night so while that was playing Joe and I realized that we were the only ones watching ‘The Little Mermaid.’

However, hearing ‘Under the Sea’ and ‘Sofia the First’ on chipmunk mode is just too much for any person. We should use this for torture while sprinkling Legos all over the floor and making people walk across bare foot.

Joe finally had a good idea to call the Chinese food place. They were open and we had Wonton Soup for dinner part 2. Screw you left over nachos… screw you.

So now, I’m drinking. No school tomorrow- I’ll be trapped for Snowpocalypse Day 3. I think I would enjoy it more if all the Legos were destroyed and YouTube didn’t exist on a three inch screen.

Yours truly,

Just trying to get by.

This post is dedicated to all the Chinese food places working tonight so I don’t have to eat more nachos.

Snowpocolypse Day 2

Dear diary,

It’s been like 30 hours of being stuck in the house with three, tiny people.

Last night I ate nachos for dinner. It wasn’t on my diet plan so I stopped eating nachos and drank instead. I figured it was a better way to use my calories.

This morning I was woken up by Vincent literally hitting me on the head. When I finally figured out that this wasn’t my dream but indeed my reality, I looked at him and he told me his stomach hurt. Really? Go try to poop.

Joe made eggs for breakfast. Thank God we have eggs and enough bread to make a sandwich. I sat down to eat my eggs and Emily wanted some. Why? It’s the same thing and I am trying to survive this snowpocolypse.

After drying clothes from yesterday, we spent forty minutes to get our children dressed. I asked Vincent to go to the bathroom and he said he didn’t have to go. I had to convince him. So naturally I asked him how he would feel if he had to pee after he was outside and how his penis would feel if he had to touch it while his hands were snowy. He went to the bathroom. Mommy- 1, Vincent- 0.

Kids were outside for 20 minutes. Awesome. They automatically wanted hot chocolate. I’m sorry- I have to go shovel like 20 inches of snow. Would you like to shovel?

Lunchtime… kids are complaining about chicken nuggets. Funny. They cry when we don’t have chicken nuggets. Meanwhile,  I had a pear with a cup of cottage cheese. I will never poop again.

Vincent drank everyone’s hot chocolate at lunch and then got sick. But I was lucky because he invited me into the bathroom to look at his poop.

Right now the kids are having quiet time. I know they are not sleeping but they are quiet. I’m frightened.

Until next time,

I hope I survive.

Snowpocalypse with Kids

I love the snow. Mostly for the unexpected school days off but there is something different about having it with children. Something that is annoying… sure, they are adorable the first time they step in it but then… mayhem.

1) it takes 40 minutes to get ready and they complain about how hot they are. You’re hot? I’m the one running around trying to find clothes for you. I’m sweating.

2) why does everyone only have one glove?

2) everytime I shoveled part of the driveway, they through a snowball at me which led to more snow in my cleanly shoveled place.

3) with like fourteen inches of snow, Emily kept getting stuck and couldn’t get out. I was constantly running back and forth between a partially clean driveway and the middle of our yard to rescue her.

4) they want to make a snowman right now. No. I’m shoveling so we can get the cars out. The snow will be here tomorrow.

5) everyone got cold in ten minutes and wanted to go inside because they were wet. Yes- being wet is something that happens when it snows. You clearly made your snow angel too early.

6) Joe and I were finally getting somewhere with the shoveling and then Vincent comes running to the door. ‘Hey mommy. It’s 1230. Can you make us lunch?’ Umm, no. When do you come of age that you can shovel?

7)after lunch they want to go out again. Really? Because all your stuff is still wet and I am not spending another forty minutes of my life for you to play for ten.

8) after we shoveled and came inside, no one made us hot chocolate with alcohol in it. Shouldn’t this be a rule? You don’t shovel, then you become mommy’s bartender.

9) they always want to eat which is a problem. We didn’t go to the store because we thought it was unnecessary. However, we did have enough liquor to get through the snowpocolypse but food is scarce. We cleaned out our pantry on trying to make dinner. Joe is having nachos.

10) I’m on a diet so I am eating brussel sprouts. Screw this. Is the Chinese place open and will they deliver in a state of emergency? I need an eggroll.

Until next time,

Do you want to build a snowman? No.

This Sucks.

So at snack time tonight Nicholas swallowed a whole, hard candy. Yup, right down his throat and then this conversation followed:

“Nicholas, next time, give me the stuff to suck. You’re not good at sucking” -Vincent

“I know. I can’t suck so next time I will give it to you to suck.” -Nicholas

“Yeah. You give me all the suck balls and I will give you something else.” -Vincent

“I will give you all the hot stuff. Like the hot balls.” – Nicholas

“Yeah, I can suck the hot balls.” -Vincent

“I don’t like hot balls.” -Nicholas

Yup.

Until next time,

I can’t make this stuff up.

Learning to Read and Forcing Mommy to Drink

So we have three small children; six, five and three. They are lovely but trying to do homework with all of them at the same time, while making dinner is like entering into the portal of hell.

So yes, they all have homework… Vincent has reading and math and needs my help to keep him focused, otherwise he is talking to himself while using his pencil as a sword.

Nicholas needs to learn how to read and keeps bringing home these paper books with sounds of letters and then a few pages of sentences he has to read. He needs help because he has this habit of reading me the word without looking at the book. I know I have gorgeous, brown eyes but he needs to understand that you can’t read the word if you aren’t looking at the book. Look. At. The. Book.

Emily is also learning how to do sounds with these paper books and she is only learning sounds. Like ‘E’ says, whatever the hell ‘E’ says for eee, eee, eee, elephant.

So with all of them together it’s like when your tv is on the loudest level but all that’s coming out is static and confusion and sadness. Meanwhile, they all want snacks and I am not talking little snacks; they basically want first dinner. And while they want snacks they are all screaming letters and sounds and math and hanging on my legs while not taking off their shoes or coats, while crying about how hungry they are and oh, I need to make dinner.

Once I get the kids settled with snacks, it’s time for homework. Vincent first: reading and math that I can’t do without counting on my fingers. It’s a freaking nightmare. Nicholas and Emily: sounds and reading. So here is the mental image for you; Vincent is playing swords, Nicholas has a hard time with r’s and l’s and I spend a lot of time saying… ‘say errrrr, like a pirate.’ And then Emily is just legit confused. Let’s dive deeper into my evenings…

Emily is doing the vowel sounds- it’s only a, e, i, o and u… not even ‘sometimes y.’

Here we go… her sounds from her book are like this…

‘I’ says, whatever the hell it says, like iiii, iiii, inchworm. ‘O’ like whatever the hell ‘O’ makes, oooo, oooo, ostrich. Get it?

“Mommy, what is this letter?” -Emily

“It’s an ‘A.'” -me

“Oh yeah! ‘A’ like aaa, aaa, apple!” -Emily

“Wonderful… let’s do it one more time.” -me

“What letter is this again?” -Emily

“A.” -me

“Oh yea, aaa, aaa, aaa, apple!” -Emily

“Ok what letter is this?” -me

“M?” -Emily

“No, try again sweetheart.” -me

“R?” -Emily

“Nooooo, try again.” -me

“Oh! I don’t know.” -Emily

“Emily what is the first letter in the alphabet?” -me

“Uhh…” -Emily

“Sing the alphabet.” -me

“A, B, C, D, E-” -Emily

“Ok, stop. So what was the first letter you said? What is this letter?” -me

“A, B, C, D, E?” -Emily

“Let’s try one more time. This is an A. What. Sound. Does. A. Make? What is this a picture of?” -me

“Oh, A says bbb, bbb, bbb, Bapple!” -Emily

Oh. Dear. God.

Until next time,

This post is brought to you by the letter ‘H’!

As in I’m in Hell.

New Year; New Me My Ass

So like the rest of the world, my new resolution is to lose weight. Counting calories and exercising. I liked my old way of exercising… the tv changer is heavy and takes a lot of lifting and clicking.

Either way, they say if you do something for a month it becomes a healthy habit. A month? Really? If I do it twice in a row I call that a success.

So here I am, counting calories and swimming at 5am before school starts. First off, there isn’t enough coffee in the world to help me get through and the rest of society should fear me.

But let me explain to you day three of swimming at 5am…

Day 3. Up at 5am. Get my fat ass in a bathing suit and go to the gym. I think to myself… ‘yeah! You can DO this!’ Three days of exercise is a fat girls equivilant of a month of exercise while burning in hell.

So I get out my flip flops and goggles and realize I didn’t pack a towel. So I figured, screw it. I’m already up, I should get into the damn pool. Well, here’s problem… I finish in the pool and I’m wet. I thankfully have a shammy that I had from my diving days. It’s only like sixteen years old and falling apart and is probably filled with weird germs, but it helps to dry me off a bit and then it hits me. I have an enormous body and enormous body mass. I mean my body is everywhere and I have to take a shower to get ready for work.

So here I am in the shower. Naked. I don’t have a towel to cover me up on my walk back to my locker so I am literally drying off with my shammy and trying to put on my clothes in the shower.

Have you ever tried to put on a bra while wet in a small space? First of all, I’m a big girl and I have to clasp that bra in the front and twist it to the back and then secure the ladies. When I tried to put on this bra while I was still wet from the shower, it looked like I was a bad belly dancer having a seizure.

And to all you skinny girls that can put your bra on in the front and clasp it in the back without moving… screw you. You’re  like a contortionist. Knock it off and eat something.

So in conclusion, I have been swimming for five days in total and I have been counting my calories. I am doing well… still look like a large mammal but I’ve lost eleven pounds so far. This may be why I am so cold now… I have lost my blubber.

Until next time,

Pass the chocolate cake and someone help me to secure the ladies.