Is That a Stripper?

So we went down to the shore today and like the rest of the world we were looking tirelessly for a parking space. When we finally found a space because of one of Joe’s famous illegal U-turns, we started unloading our children.

I look over and Vincent is dancing. Not a big deal right? Except that he was dancing on the parking meter. Yes, our son was pole dancing.

“Vincent! Stop pole dancing!” -me

“Allison!” -Joe

“What? He is pole dancing.” -me

“Yeah, I know but I didn’t say anything…” -Joe

“Hey everyone! I’m pole dancing! Hey guy… do you want to watch me pole dance?” -Vincent

After we were coming back to the car, I forgot all about my son’s new career, however, he did not.

The first pole we came to, Vincent was on there like it was a typical Saturday night.

“Hey mommy, I’m pole dancing!” -Vincent

And then the old people we passed just couldn’t control themselves and were cracking up. As we rounded the corner to our car the parking meters were endless. Each child grabbed a pole and just started charging by the hour. They are currently coming up with stage names…

Until next time,

We are open twenty-four hours and Tuesday’s are taco nights.

It’s Early and I’m Bra-less.

I started writing this blog at 4:30 am because, like the world, I am trying to lose weight and I’m going swimming.

I have decided 4:30 am is way too early for anyone. The only thing that should be awake at that time are birds and even that is questionable.

So here I am at the pool, wondering why people do this? They say it takes thirty days to make a change… I say, ‘go f**k yourself.’ So here I am making a change… a change of no sleep. I hate the people that talk about how they love to exercise because it releases endorphins and who wouldn’t be happy about that?!

Listen. If the good Lord wanted you to be happy all the time, He would give endorphins automatically, like air. There is no need to go and stir the biological stew and make some chemical to make you happy. It’s called anti-depressants. Use them. Like the rest of us. Besides, anti-depressants don’t make you smell, sweat or wake you up at freaking 4:30 am. It’s a facade people… working out is a facade. I think people that work out are really nuts. You could be sleeping or doing something fun like an all-you-can-eat buffet. If you want real happiness, go find all you can eat lo mein or crab rangoon. Eat an eggroll for Godsakes.

And if you are one of those lucky people that needs to ‘eat because you are too skinny…’ I would personally like to punch you. Right in your mouth so it’s impossible for you to eat. And do you know why? Because you are eating because you are too skinny. I am eating because I am happy or sad or mad or glad or PMSing or because the sky is blue or black or lovely shades of orange.

So, do you know what really pissed me off about swimming at 4:30 am? The fact that I forgot a bra. When you go to a buffet, you bring yourself and they provide all the utensils and plates- a clean plate every time, might I add. But the YMCA isn’t providing me with a bra. So there I was, at what is now, 6 am walking out of the Y bra-less. I felt like people were looking at me and then I was like, ‘you know what? I am getting some extra exercise. Guy on the treadmill… I am literally playing soccer.’ Left foot and I kick my left boob… right foot… other boob and voila… I got some extra cardio. As I am walking across the parking lot, I may have shouted, ‘GOOOOOAL!’ Yeah… extra cardio for an extra early, bra-less morning.

So screw you skinny people with your skinny jeans that don’t look good no matter how small you are… and your bright, pink sweat bands, your new kicks and your sweaty, old gym bag and your gym membership that doesn’t include free bras.

Until next time,

Can someone pass me the crab rangoon and hook my bra… there’s like ten clips because my boobs are huge. They’re called ‘pectoral muscles’ bitch.

This blog is dedicated to my friend Andrea and her love for Jazzercise, crab rangoon and long walks on the beach.

Teacher Summer Countdown

Let’s get real. My teacher friends and I have been counting down the days till summer 2016 since August. At one point, 181 days was labeled on my window as a countdown but then slowly was neglected at the shear fact that we still had 181 working days till summer. Depressing especially when it was only September and we start at 188 working days…

But now here we are in mid-May and fast approaching summer so let me tell you what teachers are actually thinking in these last few teacher days…

1) my dearest students, you better hurry because your deadlines are fast approaching and the odds are not in your favor.

2) kids, we all know you checked out in March or had a bad case of senioritis while being a sophomore but we have been waiting for summer since the last summer. We have it worse than you- and do you know why? Because most of us are serving twenty years to life in this school environment.

3) oh, you hate the fact that I put you in assigned seats for the last eight days in a high school class? Oh me too… well, not really, I think it’s hilarious.

4) my GAF’s are gone… they might possibly return in late August but it’s highly doubtful.

5) are you seriously asking me for a pencil? It’s May.

6) I love when you ask me if we can watch a movie. When you ask me, it’s like I am watching a real life comedy right in front of me. I just laugh and laugh… it’s school not a Saturday night. I expect you to work until the last possible day. But haha, you’re funny.

7) No. You can’t text your mom during class. Tell her you are phone free till 2:25pm. Otherwise I’m going to crush your phone into tiny bits, burn it and make smores with the burning flames.

8) Yeah, I did give you an extra project because you weren’t doing your regular ones. I know it’s tedious and probably mind numbing but if you did your work the first time, you wouldn’t have extra work to ‘keep you busy.’ And I’m not going to say I enjoyed the look on your faces when you said ‘how much you hated the project’ and I told you ‘I didn’t know if I was even going to grade it.’ Haha… priceless. Of course, I’m grading it- what kind of question is that? But yeah. That was funny.

9) Yes. You have a final exam.

10) No, I didn’t get my eyebrows done. That was me picking out my eyebrows hair by hair because it feels better than when you ask me if you have a final exam in this class.

Until next time,

Just a teacher living on the edge, waiting to break free in twenty years with good behavior.

#teacherproblems #summer2016 #examtime #imhairlessbecauseofyou #happyhourshouldbeeveryhour

You Can Marry Anyone You Want.

Emily was watching me post a photograph that I took of two young women kissing.

“Why are they kissing?” -Emily

“Because they love each other and maybe they will get married.” -me

“Well, when I grow up, I’m going to marry a girl.” -Emily

“Ok, you can marry whoever you want.” -me

“Yeah, well I might marry a boy. Or a girl. Or something else…” -Emily

“Yeah, well, you kind of have to pick because you are running out of options after the first two…” -me

Until next time,

Love a woman or a man but I would probably stop after those two options.

#loveislove #sosweet #beautiful
#allisoniannonephotography

Let’s Have a Girl Day!

So today was a reality check on how much time I need to spend with each individual child. I clearly don’t spend enough time with just one kid.

Today, we thought Emily had a UTI… lots of information, I know. She kept complaining that her bagina hurt… she is so cute because she can’t say vagina and it makes me laugh. So I told Emily to get dressed we were going to the doctors.

“Hey! Hey brothers! My bagina hurts so I’m going to the doctors with mommy. Hey daddy, mommy and I are having just a girl day; no boys.” -Emily

And then I realized I need to adjust this girl day into something more then just broken baginas. It was a lovely day filled with me sitting on the bathroom floor of the doctors, holding a cup, praying to catch Emily’s pee. Making Emily drink water and then her creatively making her own song about pee.

Then we went to Friendly’s. Thank God the day ended in ice cream and just just topical cream.

And when it was that awkward time to apply the cream, Emily asked me if the doctor gave her more medicine.

“Mommy, do I have two medicines?” -Emily

“No, just this cream.” -me

“But I have allergies.” -Emily

“Yeah, well, your vagina doesn’t have allergies. It’s not like your vagina is sneezing…”

“Oh yeah, right.” -Emily

And that was the moment I thought, wouldn’t it be hilarious if vaginas sneezed. Haha.

Until next time,

Gesundheit

Can I Have…?

As a mom, I always want to give my children everything they want. I always want to give them a better childhood then I had. I think it’s natural.

Yesterday,  Emily had a request…

“Hey, mommy?” -Emily

“Yeah, baby?” -me

“When daddy dies, can I have a doggy?” -Emily

And that was it everyone. It was the moment I had to tell my daughter ‘no’ and it was also the moment that I was laughing too hard to tell her what was wrong with that statement.

It was a sad moment but I think I will keep my husband. Have you seen him? He is super hot and smart and is better than a dog. Plus, he is potty trained.

Until next time,

Maybe we should trade in her brothers for a couple of monkeys because it’s basically the same thing.

Weathering the Storm

The clouds are dark; the storm is near.
There was nothing left to fear.

All week I was strong; all week I felt stable but now I feel like a cable

Frayed and electrified, I try to hide, the tears that are slowly escaping my eyes

I look around and they are at my feet- Filling the pavement; filling the street.

They look like shards of glass and they hurt just as much; they are pieces of me that no one is allowed to touch.

I know I’m surrounded with love and light but not right now, not tonight

So let me go and let me be
Let me stay here on bended knee

The sun will rise and the sun will fall but this won’t kill me, no this won’t kill me at all.

Until next time,

Allison

Precious Moments with Emily

Yesterday was Emily’s 4th birthday. She is our last ‘baby’ so everything we do with her is like the last time, if that makes sense.

So last night, I was tucking her into bed and I wanted to tell her how special she was…

“Emily, do you know that four years ago today, you came out of mommy’s belly and you made our family complete? You are so special to mommy and daddy and we love you so much. I’m so glad that God gave you to us.” -me

“Meow…meow…meow…meow. meeeeoww. Meow.” -Emily

“Ok… Goodnight peanut.” -me

“Mommy… do you know what I said to you in cat language? I said that I was happy to come out of your belly because your belly was filled with blood and it was yucky annnnnd bloody.” -Emily

“………..” -me

Such a special mommy and daughter moment.

Until next time,

‘Meow’… in cat language, that means ‘wtf.’

For Better or for…

So men, in general can watch gore on tv, maybe hunt but for God sakes a woman gets her period… then all bets are off.

Last week on the shopping list, I asked Joe to pick me up some feminine products… he came back and told me he couldn’t get them ‘because the store closed too soon.’ Umm, really? Doubtful.

So I just got a text, ‘if you stop to get pads, could you also pick up mini-cupcakes for Emily’s school?’

Totally not a problem. So I go to BJ’s (haha, BJ’s) and pick up some feminine products and mini-cupcakes. Yeah, BJ’s is a ‘buy in bulk store…’ So I was the woman buying ninety-six tampons, eighty pads and twenty-four mini cupcakes. I looked like a crazy woman with PMS trying to prepare for the period to end all periods.

And the icing on the cupcakes you may ask? Totally pun intended- the cashier was one of my past students… yeah, you didn’t know your photography teacher had such a problem, did you?

Until next time,

Please change the marriage vows to, ‘for better or worse or until she bleeds.’

Can You Point Me to the Beach?

The evenings are hectic and when Joe’s not home, all I think about is what I need to do to survive the next two hours.

1) I think about what I want for dinner. Then I remember that drinking is not a socially acceptable protein for a Tuesday night.

Well, the chaos tonight was probably one of the worst. Here is one example of my night…

“Hey mommy! Mommy! I can’t hear the ocean in my seashell!” -Emily

“Oh baby, you need to put the seashell up to your ear… not your butt.” -me

“Ooooooh!” -Emily

Yeah… I don’t know if we are going to aim for an ivy league school at this point in time.

Until next time,

Let me pull a cabana boy, a drink with a pink umbrella and the white sands of an exotic location out of my ass.