The Ultimate Question

So I was taking my kids to see Frozen II and as I am parking my ten year old son says, ‘he mom, what does ho mean?’ Well, I chuckled because my humor is that of a high schooler and said, ‘where did you hear that?’ And he shows me a kids book.

Whew… dodged that bullet.

Then as I let out a sigh of relief, he says, ‘hey mom, what does s-e-x spell?’ Well, at that point I almost hit the car behind me as I was backing in to the parking spot.

Naturally I did the stuttering that every parent does when asked that question and I said, ‘ok where did you hear that?’ And again he points to this same kid book. Wtf is he reading?

So I said well, it is complicated but I will tell you about sex after the movie. The poor kid starts freaking out because I actually said sex and he thinks it is a curse word. I try to tell him to relax as we are getting out of the car.

Just as we are entering the movie theater my eight year old son screams ‘SEX!’ In the middle of the parking lot and my seven year old daughter is on repeat, ‘sex, sex, sex.’

We get into line at the theater and my daughter whispers into my ear, ‘why can’t we say SEX?!’ I think for the word ‘sex,’ she pulled out her megaphone because she sure as hell didn’t whisper that.

So we get into the movie without much incident and then I feel a tug on my shirt. ‘Hey mom?’ …at this point I can’t take another thing… ‘hey mom, so what does s-e-x-y mean?’

<Sweet Jesus, are you there? No, ok.>

I took a deep breath and said, ‘well that means someone is pretty or hot. Was this in the book too?’

Yup. Apparently Big Nate is not kid friendly.

So we watch the movie and the whole time we are watching I am charting, powerpointing, and drawing diagrams about how I am going to explain sex to my son when we get home.

We roll up in the garage and the two little ones want to play outside so I get the oldest inside and lock the door and say, ‘so do you want to have the conversation about sex?’ He looks at me and says, ‘no, I don’t want to talk about it because it will get in my head and I won’t be able to get it out. Plus I will probably forget about it by tomorrow anyway.

Trust me son, if I tell you about mommy and daddy you will never unsee that. Ever. I’m scarred just thinking about having to tell him.

Anyway, I couldn’t believe after two hours of plotting, charting, scheming and powerpointing that he didnt want to know about it.

Until next time,

This conversation is like having blue balls. Are we a go or nah?

My 2am Thoughts

These are actual thoughts I had when I couldn’t sleep last night. (I wrote this at 2:30 am and these were my thoughts)

1) If you eat pork lo mein with chopsticks like they do in every police drama, will you be able to solve murders?

2) I wonder if I can still ride a bike.

3) I’m pretty sure the pain I feel in my chest is a heart attack. I must check webMD… Yes I’m dying.

4) If I go to sleep at this exact moment I will get six hours of sleep… and go.

5) It is almost December so that means it is almost June. Oh God, my kids get out of school in seven months… what am I going to do with them all summer?

6) Who was the first person to see a lobster and was like, ‘yeah, that tail looks amazing. I’m going to boil that thing and dip it in some butter.’

7) I miss teaching photography. I was a good teacher.

8) How does a corn husker shuck the corn?

9) I wonder if my kids get jealous of me and my husband because we get to have a sleepover every night?

10) I watch enough crime shows… would I be able to pull off the perfect murder? A murder that chopsticks and lo mein couldn’t solve?

Until next time,

Insomnia and anxiety people unite! Maybe tonight is our night to sleep!