Oh Good! Another Demerit!

Well, it took me a while before I was calm enough to write an update on my children.

On Monday, yes, Monday, Vincent received another demerit. Let’s recap… It’s Monday. Like it was Monday morning.

I know what is on your mind… what was it for? And no worries, he was just climbing the walls of the bathroom. No… literally, climbing the walls. How hard is it to take a crap and leave? Is it really too much to handle?

Now this kid has been diagnosed with ADHD; I think when the children start climbing walls is when you should start medicating. I mean, he is climbing the walls like he is Peter Parker but no one is impressed. Shit, I would have been impressed if

I got an email from the principal, a call from her and a call from his teacher. I am going to be invited over for Tupperware and Lula-roe Parties at this point because they are starting to know me on a first name basis.

After I talked to his teacher, I told her to go get drunk and that I would pay for her first drink. Like, my kid is that kid that is driving teachers to become alcoholics. I mean, he was climbing walls. If he gets another demerit, he gets a detention.

I really hope they put all the kids together that get detentions. That way he can be with seniors and maybe that will scare him. Vincent would probably look at the senior and be like, ‘whatcha in for?’ The the senior can turn to him and be like, ‘murder.’ And then Vincent can be like, ‘yeah, I don’t know how to take a crap without climbing on the fucking walls.

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Is it too Early to Have ‘The Talk?’

So Nicholas came home with a written paragraph about what he likes to do at school. His teacher said, ‘that sounds like fun!’

Excuse me. Are you condoning this behavior?

Until next time,

It’s never too early to learn about the birds and the bees.

It’s Sunday. That Means We go to Church.

So today is Sunday and we go to church and try to pay attention.

Being a Catholic, means that the whole foundation of my Catholic existence is that Jesus died, rose on the third day and will be coming again soon. Hopefully sooner than normal because Trump is playing president. We NEED to be saved.

Either way, the whole basis of my religion is that Jesus is coming. We were singing in mass today, and God forgive me (Catholic guilt right there), forgive me but I can’t remember the song. Either way, it was a song about how Jesus died and will come again.

In the silent pause of the song, Vincent screams out, ‘Jesus isn’t coming! Jesus is dead!’ Yup, clearly he needs to give up charter school and go to Catholic school… only nine more demerits to go.

Until next time,

My kid needs a dose of Catholisim

You Get a Demerit! You Get a Demerit! You All Get Demerits!

I got a phone call today that Vincent received his first demerit for screaming in the bathroom.

Oh geez, I still remember what I was doing and what I was wearing when I heard the news.

I am actually surprised it took this long; I mean, he has already been in the principal’s office twice. Tomorrow morning it will be his third trip. Vincent and the principal should be on a first name basis after tomorrow.

God, it’s only September.

I came up with a list of possible reasons for why he would need to scream in the bathroom:

1) he had a man-sized poop.

2) while washing his hands, he burned himself because kids don’t realize the cold water is on the right.

3) he saw Bloody Mary.

4) he was constipated.

5) he tried to beat himself up to get out of class like Jim Carey in Liar, Liar.

6) he couldn’t stand the smell of his own farts.

7) he slipped and fell and was begging for help. Always wear your Life Alert.

8) he gave himself a swirly.

9) sometimes you are so frustrated that you have to yell.

10) he ran out of toliet paper after his man-sized poop.

Until next time,

How many more demerits can we get in the first month of school?

The Principal’s Office: Part 2

So yeah, it’s week four and my boys were back in the principal’s office. For fighting on the bus. For fighting on the bus with each other. Wtf? Like seriously, fight someone else.

Although this time, it was a fight over something serious. A pair of sunglasses. Yup, Vincent told Nicholas that he was taking Nicholas’ sunglasses and putting them in his room. <Gasp!> I know what you are thinking… dear God, how horrible.

So Nicholas started punching Vincent and Vincent scratched Nicholas. Needless to say both of them were bleeding by the end. It’s a fucking bus ride and they weren’t even sitting in the same seat. I don’t understand how this happens.

So this was on Monday and Tuesday morning they were called into the principal’s office. The second time in a week! The principal told them how they needed to act on the bus and if they didn’t act right and follow the rules, they weren’t allowed to sit together.

Newsflash principal… they weren’t sitting together.

Either way, I am glad the information sunk in to their dense heads because as they were leaving the principal’s office, Vincent put Nicholas into a headlock and gave him a noogie. As they were LEAVING the principal’s office. SERIOUSLY?! What. The. Fuck?

Until next time,

Stay tuned for mommy’s tough love lecture that went too far because she values education. Not in my house. Now come over here so I can put you in a headlock.

I Can’t See You

I need an escape. I clawl my way from the bottom, trying to get to the top and I can’t seem to get a grip. I slide down the sides of these walls because there is no solid ground. It’s like an avalanche all around me and the bottom is filling quickly. Soon I will run out of air but I don’t even know if that will bother me.

I see you above me; holding a rope. You are screaming at me to hold on. Your words fall on deaf ears. I see you and I understand what you are saying but I am not worth it. There are so many other people you can give your rope to; help them.

At the last moment I lunge for the rope. Too scared to go under. The rope feels good in my hands as you try to pull me out. I’m too heavy; too much borderline. The rope is slipping through my hands causing dust and dirt to fly through the air. Just as the dirt and dust go all around me, so do my thoughts. ‘How did I get to this point?,’ I think.

And just as quickly as the rope leaves my hands, I see you disappearing from my view. Everything is black.

Until next time,

Allison

Let’s at Least Try to Worship Jesus.

So it’s Sunday and that can only mean one thing for this family. This day is our attempt at being Catholic.

It started off with dropping all three children off at Sunday school. I have been waiting for Sunday all week because, let’s face it, no kids in the house meant crazy sex. But alas, I have been waiting all week only to be blue-ovaried by the head of Sunday school asking for our paperwork so Vincent could make his First Holy Communion.

No wonder people stop being catholic- it’s too much paperwork. Anyway, Joe and I don’t have our shit together so we had to go to Staples to print out paperwork and photocopy a baptismal record. Staples didn’t open till 10am and Joe literally waited at the door to photocopy shit.

Now it’s off to church. We had to pick the kids up from Sunday school at 10:15 am and church is in the same parking lot. Explain to me that we were still late for mass? Yup, it should be called the 10:35 am service. 

As we are in mass, we had to do the normal bathroom routine. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Then we are going up to communion and Vincent is screaming, loudly, if he can eat Jesus. Then onto the blood of Christ and he is asking for a sip. We get back to the pew and I said, ‘this is the time to say a prayer and talk to Jesus.’

The kid asked Jesus for a rollercoaster and thanked him for each Pokemon individually. ‘Thank you Jesus for charmander, piccachu, salmander… and I would really like a rollercoaster.’

I lean over and tell him that Jesus is ‘not a genie.’ 

Although, if he was a genie, I would ask for endless alcoholic milkshakes and to make my kids silent at church.

Until next time,

You have two wishes left