Month: February 2017

Why Can’t You Play Like Normal Children?

Yesterday, my kids and I were driving home from dinner when they stopped arguing and actually started playing with each other in the car.

It was great to hear them make each other laugh…

Except they were pretending that they owned a store that only sold penises and the penis was their only item for sale and then they sold out of penises. Luckily, the store was restocked before it had a fire and burned all the penises. 

Thankfully, hearing them talk, I realized they know how to dial 9-1-1 in case of an emergency like burning penises for example.

Wow, a whole blog dedicated to the penis. Cool.

Until next time,

Keep away from an open flame

While I Was Sleeping…

This morning’s conversation:

‘Hey Joe… did you run the dishwasher?’ -me

‘Yes, I did… at 2am.’ -Joe

‘…’ -me

‘Why at 2am do you ask? Well, it was because someone told our daughter that if she got dressed for school, she could have a cup of juice.’ -Joe

‘…’ -me

‘Yeah, Emily woke me up because she wanted to wear a dress and couldn’t reach it and when I told her it was the middle of the night, she started crying because you told her if she got ready for school, you would give her juice.’ -Joe

‘…whoops.’ -me

So apparently that sleeping medication is working really, really well.

Until next time,

Would you like a cookie with your juice?

Explaining the Word, ‘Fuck.’

So this was like my worst, yet hilarious nightmare… when my kids started saying ‘fuck.’ And this is where the saga begins…

‘Haha, I have my middle finger up!’ -Vincent

‘Well, that’s not a nice thing so let’s not do that, it means a bad word.’ -me

‘Well, my ball is on top of my finger so it doesn’t count.’ -Vincent

‘Mommy, what does it mean?’ -Nicholas 

‘Bad things.’ -me

‘Like that word I said when I was in preschool and you and daddy yelled at me at Friendly’s?’ -Vincent

‘Yeah, that one.’ -me

‘What is it?’ -Nicholas

‘It’s…’ -Vincent

‘Vincent!’ -me

‘It’s faaa-uh-k’ -Vincent 

‘What’s fuck?’ -Nicholas

‘It’s a bad word. The baddest of the bad. We say fudge instead.’ -me

‘Well, fuck isn’t a bad word mom.’ -Nicholas 

‘Yeah, we say fudge… like oh chocolate fuck… whoops! I mean fudge!’ -Vincent

Great. What the fuck am I going to do now?

Until next time,

I never say fuck… well, not around the kids but this was fucking hilarious.

The Rabbit Hole

My breath is shallow and my mind is lost. I try to focus but at what cost? I can’t hear and I can’t see, I just see a black tunnel and at the end is a silhouette of me. I stand there still, unable to move. It’s like I’m watching a movie and my life becomes the story. 

I can’t tell you my secrets because you will judge me and I know the reason is because I already judge myself. 

In this hole, in this tunnel there is nothing but darkness. They say there is a light attached at the end of the tunnel but that’s a lie. The truth is at the end you just die. But when will death come? When will death come for some? When will death come for me because I don’t want to sit here waiting on this bended knee. 

I sit here and wait in this tunnel so dark, it’s as dark as the corners of my mind- a place I don’t invite you because I am too kind. 

You will never know what it’s like to be in here. My brain shouts to be free. I bang on the walls of my brain but the neurons fire so fast I know that I can’t last this way. The neurons fire and the desire is great, I need to get out before I collapse to my feet. 

I lay here wondering who will be toeing this line…following me down this rabbit hole- don’t worry I’m fine? 

I don’t want you there, I want to be alone. I don’t invite you because you aren’t as strong. I think you would be scared, I think you would run and I would still be here, my silhouette outlined in the darkness. 

Run I say. Run like you do because I won’t chase you. I can’t make you stay, I can let you run. Run as fast , you can and don’t look back. You can’t save me; let my world turn black. 
Until next time,

Just let me write

Umm, Those Are Mine

I was getting ready for work when Emily tried to touch my boob. I looked at her and said,

‘Those are mine and you can’t touch my breasts.’ -me

‘Mom…’ -Emily

‘Emily these are mommy’s and you can’t touch them… you can touch your own.’ -me

‘I don’t have any.’ -Emily

‘Well, one day you will.’ -me

‘Yeah, mommy… did you know that when you get big, your nickels turn into breasts?’ -Emily

‘…’ -me

Great, she thinks her nipples are nickels. I wonder if she spends a dime on each if that’s like breast implants…

Until next time,

Mine are like a dollar each…

Watching the Clouds

I sit here and watch the clouds pass me by and wonder what it would be like to fly?

I wonder how clouds would feel in my hand. 

Would they brush through my fingertips the same way the cool ocean water slips through my fingers on a warm summer day or would the clouds feel soft like my favorite blanket that I wrap myself in by the fire while it snows?

If I try to hold them tight, would they disappear like the warm sun drifts off into the cool night?

If I hold them carefully, would they stay like a fragile piece of glass intact in my fingertips?

If I smell the clouds and inhale deeply, does it smell like clean cotton on laundry day?

And if I took a bite, a bite right out of the cloud, would it taste like cotton candy after a day at my hometown carnival?

I just don’t know but I hope one day to find out but it can’t be today.

Until next time,

Allison

A Valentine’s Day Guide to Everyone so You Can Stop Being an Asshole.

A guide from me:

Valentine’s Day is like the most stressful day for your significant other and it’s also a stressful day for single people. First, let me address you on behalf of your significant other… here is a guide to help you get your head out of your ass on this Valentine’s Day (Single people, your guide is below):

  1. If she says, ‘Valentine’s Day is just another day to me,’ she is lying to you. You better figure something out before you go home tonight.
  2. If you have been dating for a while and you give her a little box, she is going to assume it’s a ring. If she opens it and it’s not a ring, you’re dead. Do yourself a favor and put that necklace or earrings in a refrigerator box.
  3. If she pulls out this jewelry and says, ‘it’s pretty.’ Run. Run for your life… she was thinking an engagement ring. Run.
  4. If she says, ‘we can just sit home and watch the tv tonight’… that really means that you better plan to watch tv somewhere else, like the movies or the theater. It does not mean the local sports bar.
  5. If she says, ‘let’s not exchange gifts,’ she is lying. Get a gift or die trying to run away. She may look small but she will become like a cheetah on this day.
  6. Don’t get her any other color rose except for red. If you get another color she will know the significance of that color and will pick apart your relationship… bit by bit. ‘Oh, you got me a yellow rose so I guess we are just friends now? Who is she?’
  7. If you say, ‘let’s cook a quiet meal at home’, that does not work. The only way it will work is if you don’t have kids. Go out people with kids.
  8. Go somewhere you don’t normally go… no, you cannot meet your buddies for a few. It’s just you and her alllllll night.
  9. If you say to her, ‘here is some sexy lingerie… why don’t you put it on?’ What she will say is, ‘you ungrateful bastard… aren’t my pink Hanes Her Way enough for you?
  10. If you love her today and everyday, your life will be special… but don’t forget that diamond ring you idiots. Now run!

To all my single friends, here is a list about why the single life can be awesome:

  1. Don’t let today get you down. You are single. Live the single life or deal with the list above.
  2. You can go out and party.
  3. You can drink whatever you want and you answer to no one.
  4. You want to get crazy? Eat some Chinese food naked.
  5. You don’t have to deal with talking out your problems… or you could just talk to yourself if you are in real crisis.
  6. Find a cat or dog and cuddle the shit out of it because they don’t talk back.
  7. Babies come from relationships and babies have a  lot of bodily functions and you can’t sleep in anymore because they won’t let you.
  8. You can’t sleep in because your significant other is constantly wanting to do things to the house or to run errands with you.
  9. When you are single you can do whatever you want because everyday is special.
  10. When you are single you can make fun of all of us annoying people that spend way too much or trying to impress the other person. And I want to personally apologize for the over abundance of love on this day. It sickens me and I am married.

People in love can be annoying. Yes, it’s cute when you are actually in the relationship but just remember to not be obnoxious about it. And if you aren’t in a relationship, it just means that you won’t settle for anything less than what you deserve.

So what, it’s Valentine’s Day? You can love each other the other 364 days of the year too. Be kind to your significant other and be kind to yourself on this day because everyday should be treated like Valentine’s Day.

Until next time,

My husband got me flowers so his well-being is safe.

Thanks for Setting Woman Back by 100 Years…

“Mommy when I become president, everyone has to have the same opinion as the person they marry.’ -Nicholas

‘Oh cool. So daddy has to listen to me?’ -me

‘No. You have to listen to daddy.’ -Nicholas

‘Umm, no. Who are you? You are setting us back by 100 years?’ -me

‘Yeah. When I grow up, I want to be like Donald Trump.’ -Nicholas 

Oh… hell no! This kid needs some education and fast- where the hell is he hearing this? I must strap him to a chair and fix his opinions. 

Until next time,

God, Nicholas… no.