Why Can’t You Play Like Normal Children?

Yesterday, my kids and I were driving home from dinner when they stopped arguing and actually started playing with each other in the car.

It was great to hear them make each other laugh…

Except they were pretending that they owned a store that only sold penises and the penis was their only item for sale and then they sold out of penises. Luckily, the store was restocked before it had a fire and burned all the penises. 

Thankfully, hearing them talk, I realized they know how to dial 9-1-1 in case of an emergency like burning penises for example.

Wow, a whole blog dedicated to the penis. Cool.

Until next time,

Keep away from an open flame

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While I Was Sleeping…

This morning’s conversation:

‘Hey Joe… did you run the dishwasher?’ -me

‘Yes, I did… at 2am.’ -Joe

‘…’ -me

‘Why at 2am do you ask? Well, it was because someone told our daughter that if she got dressed for school, she could have a cup of juice.’ -Joe

‘…’ -me

‘Yeah, Emily woke me up because she wanted to wear a dress and couldn’t reach it and when I told her it was the middle of the night, she started crying because you told her if she got ready for school, you would give her juice.’ -Joe

‘…whoops.’ -me

So apparently that sleeping medication is working really, really well.

Until next time,

Would you like a cookie with your juice?

Explaining the Word, ‘Fuck.’

So this was like my worst, yet hilarious nightmare… when my kids started saying ‘fuck.’ And this is where the saga begins…

‘Haha, I have my middle finger up!’ -Vincent

‘Well, that’s not a nice thing so let’s not do that, it means a bad word.’ -me

‘Well, my ball is on top of my finger so it doesn’t count.’ -Vincent

‘Mommy, what does it mean?’ -Nicholas 

‘Bad things.’ -me

‘Like that word I said when I was in preschool and you and daddy yelled at me at Friendly’s?’ -Vincent

‘Yeah, that one.’ -me

‘What is it?’ -Nicholas

‘It’s…’ -Vincent

‘Vincent!’ -me

‘It’s faaa-uh-k’ -Vincent 

‘What’s fuck?’ -Nicholas

‘It’s a bad word. The baddest of the bad. We say fudge instead.’ -me

‘Well, fuck isn’t a bad word mom.’ -Nicholas 

‘Yeah, we say fudge… like oh chocolate fuck… whoops! I mean fudge!’ -Vincent

Great. What the fuck am I going to do now?

Until next time,

I never say fuck… well, not around the kids but this was fucking hilarious.

The Rabbit Hole

My breath is shallow and my mind is lost. I try to focus but at what cost? I can’t hear and I can’t see, I just see a black tunnel and at the end is a silhouette of me. I stand there still, unable to move. It’s like I’m watching a movie and my life becomes the story. 

I can’t tell you my secrets because you will judge me and I know the reason is because I already judge myself. 

In this hole, in this tunnel there is nothing but darkness. They say there is a light attached at the end of the tunnel but that’s a lie. The truth is at the end you just die. But when will death come? When will death come for some? When will death come for me because I don’t want to sit here waiting on this bended knee. 

I sit here and wait in this tunnel so dark, it’s as dark as the corners of my mind- a place I don’t invite you because I am too kind. 

You will never know what it’s like to be in here. My brain shouts to be free. I bang on the walls of my brain but the neurons fire so fast I know that I can’t last this way. The neurons fire and the desire is great, I need to get out before I collapse to my feet. 

I lay here wondering who will be toeing this line…following me down this rabbit hole- don’t worry I’m fine? 

I don’t want you there, I want to be alone. I don’t invite you because you aren’t as strong. I think you would be scared, I think you would run and I would still be here, my silhouette outlined in the darkness. 

Run I say. Run like you do because I won’t chase you. I can’t make you stay, I can let you run. Run as fast , you can and don’t look back. You can’t save me; let my world turn black. 
Until next time,

Just let me write

Umm, Those Are Mine

I was getting ready for work when Emily tried to touch my boob. I looked at her and said,

‘Those are mine and you can’t touch my breasts.’ -me

‘Mom…’ -Emily

‘Emily these are mommy’s and you can’t touch them… you can touch your own.’ -me

‘I don’t have any.’ -Emily

‘Well, one day you will.’ -me

‘Yeah, mommy… did you know that when you get big, your nickels turn into breasts?’ -Emily

‘…’ -me

Great, she thinks her nipples are nickels. I wonder if she spends a dime on each if that’s like breast implants…

Until next time,

Mine are like a dollar each…