Trip Diary Part 4

Dear Diary,

Today we took the kids to Williamsburg, Virgina to learn a little history. I love history. My kids on the other hand do not and I found that out when they were bored in the visitor’s center.

In the visitor’s center, Emily (10 yo) kept telling me she didn’t understand what was going on and I kept explaining that this was just the visitor’s center and we have to buy the tickets here. She told me this not once but three separate times.

Nicholas (11 yo) ran into Vincent’s (13 yo) elbow and Nicholas cried because he had a dead arm from the hit… that he initiated.

All in all, the visitor’s center was filled with lots of information and cool things to read, none of which I could partake in because my kids couldn’t understand why we were even there.

I did however get to do the Great Bathroom Tour of 2022 when I had to take Emily to the bathroom. Considering that is most of what I saw, I would give the bathrooms an 8/10.

I threw out my back last week and had to ice my back after the Great Bathroom tour of 2022. The ice felt great but then I got stuck on the floor. I was rolling back and forth trying to get up, like a turtle on their back.

After rolling around unattractively, we were headed to the pool, instead the boys found a pool table and started playing pool. It was going great until Vincent accidentally hit the chalk into the pocket and Nicholas went to retrieve it. It was nice he was willing to help but then Nicholas got his arm stuck in the hole. There was a moment of panic in his eyes but then Nicholas maneuvered his arm and was happy when he achieved freedom.

Then we went to historic Williamsburg for dinner and a ghost tour. Dinner was good but I had to trade with Vincent because he didn’t like his. Ok, that was fine.

Then we went for ice cream and Emily ordered a milkshake. Turns out she didn’t like it. So I sacrificed because that is what moms do. Her milkshake tasted like cherry medicine so I felt like I got ice cream as well as taking care of my strep throat that I don’t have. When I say it tasted like medicine, I am not exaggerating.

Then the great Ghost Tour of 2022. Good times were had by all. As we were leaving the shuttle bus, I grabbed my husband’s hand. Turns out it wasn’t Joe at all but some random stranger. Awkward.

Until next time,

I could learn about American History or get my hand stuck in a pool table pocket. I’m gonna opt for getting stuck and battling for freedom. Instead of learning about freedom, I will suffer and live through long enough to tell my tale!

Trip Diary Part 3

*This Diary was written last week while on ‘vacation.’*

Dear Diary,

Today was a better day until my son rubbed my mustache and asked me if I was going to grow out my beard. Then he told me how jealous he was that I was growing facial hair and he was not.

Then we took the kids to Water Country USA in Virgina. Good times were had by only the other park goers as on numerous occasions I flashed other people with my white ass. Not once, but several times I got off a ride with my thong on. Newsflash, I don’t have a thong. It was just a wedgie from hell.

Our kids complained basically the whole time about the wait of the line or what their brother/sister was doing to them. It was absolute mayhem and at one point the middle child asked to go back to the hotel. At. A. Water. Park.

I can’t stress this disappointment enough. We try to take them places and they just don’t appreciate anything. I don’t know if it is the generation or that’s just how my kids are but they complain about waiting and they literally have no patience for anything or for one another.

My favorite part was at 5pm when the park closed.

My other favorite part was at dinner when I ordered a huge Rum Runner. Alcohol is the only thing keeping me going today, or any day.

Until next time,

Is that the moon? No, it is just my giant ass.

Trip Diary Part 1

*This diary was written while on our trip. We just got back yesterday.*

Dear Diary,

This week we are in Virgina Beach. We have been here for six hours and this is what has happened:

So far, on our half first day of vaca, we drove four hours without technology… the kids about lost their shit and so did Joe and I.

Then, I forgot my purse at the awful restaurant we ate at but I didn’t realize that until after we walked back to the hotel.

Joe didn’t divorce me.

Then we drove back to the restaurant to get my purse and Joe ran over a median and almost popped a tire.

I didn’t divorce Joe.

Then the kids just wanted to go back to the hotel to play on their tablets and cried because Joe and I wanted to get ice cream (we are such awful parents).

Now I just want to get drunk and I’m pretty sure Joe feels the same way.

I have to remember, this is a trip, not a vacation. The difference is the people you’re with, aka: your kids. When you are on a vacation you are loving life. When you have kids you are just suffering in a different city and struggling to be a parent. But a parent that apparently tortures their kids by getting ice cream.

I can’t wait to see what fresh hell tomorrow brings.

Until then,

Yo bitches, do you want a cone or a dish?

Trip Diary Part 2

Dear Diary,

Today was much better than yesterday.

Joe and I woke up and snuck out to the balcony to watch the sunrise. We waited for forty-five minutes and didn’t see anything because there were too many clouds. So par for the course after yesterday, right?

This morning we went to a presentation by the Hilton to purchase future vacations. This is how we travel apparently… we agree to go to these presentations and get a free three night stay at a beach front hotel. Unfortunately, we know that we will not purchase this stuff; we are just cheap and know how to get free stuff. We didn’t want to waste the gentleman’s time so we politely declined. Man, I will tell you it was like meeting Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. That dude was pissed. Unfortunately, because of his quick hostility, he lost my business all together. His boss tried to sell us, his co-worker tried to sell us and we still declined… because he was an asshole.

Then we went to the beach which is five steps away from the hotel we are staying at for free because we are cheap bastards. While we were there, a family of three sat in front of us. Directly in front of us when there is a whole beach. And they were smoking and nothing pisses me off more than smoking. I don’t want to smell you, I want to smell the polluted water and the sand.

Later we went for pizza and I ordered way more than was necessary so guess what breakfast will be tomorrow… pizza.

Then Emily (10 yo) took me for a bathroom tour of Virgina Beach and while we were in the bathroom, she told me we were bonding and I guess we bonded a lot. She went on to tell me how big her ‘turds’ were today. And then she told me her ‘turd’ goal for tomorrow which was slightly bigger than today’s ‘turds.’

Then to cap off our rager of a night, we watched Frozen because there is nothing like traveling four hours to watch something we can watch at home. The soundtrack is also playing in the car because we are bad ass. I am considering glow sticks for the car because nothing screams rager like Frozen and glow sticks.

And before bed, Emily just showed me her stretch and said, ‘everytime I do this, I fart.’ Cool.

Until next time,

Traveling with kids is fun apparently.

Picture of the sunrise failure is below.