Special Moments with Joe

I have had some really hard moments over the last couple of days.

This morning Joe and I were just waking up and he was holding me and he asked me how I was doing. I spilled my guts and told him how hard things were and how depressed I was. And he was so supportive and just listened to me talk.

Then I turned to my loving husband and said ‘what are you thinking about?’ And he was looking far off into the morning light and said ‘I am actually singing the theme song to Caillou in my head…’

Yup ladies… he’s all mine.

Until next time,

I’m all-la-sin… that’s me!

Jesus… Open that One with the Big, Red Bow.

What. The. Hell?

Congratulations Jesus. You were born and we made poo dough to honor you’re birth!

Thank God there wasn’t a fourth Wiseman because maybe he would have considered the poo dough… I guess we will never know.

Until next time,

This would be a great stocking stuffer for someone you hate.

Oh God, it’s the Holidays.

And here we go… another start to the holiday season.

I am not a big fan of the holidays. Most people love the holidays because it means a holly, jolly time with family. My family, although lovely, quirky and a pain in the ass in their own way, are not exactly picturesque.

I come from a home of divorce, like I am sure, many of you- my parents separated when I was in 5th grade, then got back together and then permanently got divorced when I was nineteen. Lots of ups and downs, like a roller coaster that you just keep puking on.

Divorce sucks because no matter how old you are it affects you in some way. I am thirty-six and I still am affected. Am I affected by one parent or another? Absolutely not; I am affected by both and so much more. Hence why part of my retirement fund is going to therapy.

I actually have a great colleague that gets excited about the holidays and overly excited about turkey. She randomly comes into my classroom, high kicks the air, and screams ‘turkey!’ It’s really sweet because you can tell how much she loves the holidays and being with her family. It’s awesome because she just ‘is.’ And it’s an amazing concept to me.

So my family is quirky. Yes, we fight and have our differences and debate about everything both important and stupid. For fun, my brother and I have dead leg competitions… a dead leg is where you nail the other person with your knee right into the thigh muscle. Yeah, whoever falls down first is the loser. It sounds painful but secretly it’s my favorite part of getting together with him.

So I can honestly say that I envy the people that can have their families together without awkwardness and people that can just enjoy the holidays. The only thing that gets me through the holiday season is my amazing husband and my kids and I also enjoy the holidays for the drinks and the dead legs.

So here is what I have to tell you; whether you are high kicking about turkey or wishing you could drink:

1. Enjoy the family you have- no matter what your issues are.
2. Appreciate what you have- don’t wish for anything else.
3. Be mindful of the moment and less worried about what you don’t have.
4. Stop blaming people for your current situation- look around and see how to fix it.
5. Be thankful for your family and friends even if you live apart.
6. Drink.
7. Enjoy the little things like dead legs.
8. If you can’t talk to people because your family is crazy, watch football and bond over how the Eagles can’t get a touchdown.
9. If family is really pissing you off, you can put them to sleep… just feed them extra turkey.
10. If all else fails, drink more.

I will be honest. I will enjoy #6, #9 and #10. Therapy is helping me with  numbers one through five, plus I like to support the local therapists by giving them money.

So have a great holiday season and I will keep you updated on my holiday extravaganzas.

Until next time,

I will be cooking and drinking and I will probably burn the stovetop but I am appreciative of what I have even if it’s not perfect all the time.

 

 

 

 

Super Jesus v.s Wonder Virgin Mary

You know you are a good parent when Nicholas brings out  Jesus and a statue of the Virgin Mary and explains the connection of who these two people are to Emily.

Then it gets super sweet when he sings the ‘Hail Mary’ to her. Such a proud moment!

Then you know you fail when Emily picks up the two statues and says let’s play and starts making them fly like action figures.

Yeah… we almost had grasped the concept of religion.

Until next time,

Where is the Virgin’s cape?!

Turkeys and Teachers… it’s all the same.

Let me give you a glimpse of what being a  high school teacher is like the day before the holidays…

Have you ever seen a turkey after its lost its head? Just running around like crazy with blood probbably shooting out?

Yeah, that’s what teachers are like before a holiday. There is a lot of shouts for joy and screaming about how many hours, not days… until we have school again.

Our heads explode with excitement as we figure how many projects and issues we can stop thinking about… here is a list for your enjoyment.

1)Component V… because Components I – IV isn’t enough.

2) Walkthroughs… I love when people walk though to catch a five minute glimpse of what I am teaching. It’s like a rush.

3) Essential Questions… all my questions are essential… it’s school.

4) DOK 4 (since that is impossible to obtain… it’s like a pipe dream)

5) Grading… you only have to grade if the kids hand stuff in… so…

6) Lesson planning. My lessons are in my head. I plan in the shower.

7) Learning Maps. What is this a treasure hunt?

8) DOK 4… yup still thinking about it.

9) Data… no. I don’t want to collect data. Ever.

10) Warm-ups… am I teaching jazzercise?

11) Exit tickets… you don’t need a ticket to get out of my classroom… just go.

12) Staying in your seat till the bell… why is this hard? Who wants to stand?

13) Cleaning up after yourself. Does it look like your mom works here? Clean your area. If you don’t then I just put the trash in your bin anyway. How do you like me now?

14)Curriculum… uh, I wrote mine. All of it. I like it and I fear change.

15)Letters of Recommendation. I had like fifteen. I just can’t do anymore. You are all wonderful and you all have my recommendation to go to college. Can I just write that?

16)Checklists… ugh. There are just too many and the 9 pt font hurts my eyes.

17)Schology. I don’t even remember my password and I don’t get it. I can barely say it.

18)Rewriting my exams. I should do that soon. Exams are coming, much like the apocalypse. And I have to add my DOK’s because it’s on my 9 pt font checklist.

19)HOT questions. All my questions are HOT. Mostly because I am hot and undoubtedly gorgeous.

20) Writing my agenda on the board and keeping it updated. My agenda will read like this… you will be working. It’s school. It will be like this for the entire semester… dated August – January.

So fellow teachers, put these items out of your head. And much like turkeys exploding blood out of their tiny necks, let your head explode with thoughts of turkey and mixed drinks.

Be thankful for your friends and family and for your students. My students make my job worthwhile… all the other stuff will fall into place… but in like 600 hours.

Yours truly,

One HOT turkey

Losing a Friend.

I started this blog and I just erased the whole thing because nothing can express how much I am hurting.

I wish I had something great to tell you or something super funny that has happened in my household. The funniest thing is that Nicholas just farted on me while I was typing and it smells like potato chips. Gross, I know.

The truth is, that I have ‘broken up’ with a friend and life sucks right now. I am not trying to be funny or witty; I am really hurting. I am sure I drove this person CRAZY but she also treated me badly. She expected me to go places and make her laugh on command. And though, I am damn funny, I can’t perform on command and it was hard; especially when I am not happy all the time and I don’t have my own microphone.

You know the Indy 500? Cars going like 200 mph and always doing left hand turns? That’s my brain. I am not always on point because I am constantly thinking. My brain never shuts down and it thinks about horrible instances like the impending doom of my family when I drop them off at school, or how I will get shot when I go to teach for the day, or if I am a good enough mom and wife. My brain doesn’t shut up but through therapy and finally having an excellent therapist, I am starting to be mindful of my own thoughts and how to deal with them.

I will be honest, even though this friend made me feel like crap a lot of the time, I still miss her. She made me feel special in a lot of ways and I enjoyed our time out together but I have also realized through my therapy sessions that this person was also my biggest trigger. Everything I did wasn’t good enough and she only thought about herself. She never acknowledged my feelings and usually my feelings were ‘all about me.’ Funny. I thought that’s what feeling were?

Either way, that is why I have been so quiet. I am really down and I want to reach out to this person so badly but I know that she isn’t good for me- much like I am not good for her. I have to learn and accept that this is the best decision for me mentally. However, physically and emotionally, I am devastated and I feel like barfing all over my shoes. It is taking a lot of will power not to contact her even though she has contacted me in-not- so nice ways. I wish I could tell her and I wish that she would ‘get it’ but I know that we just can’t ‘get’ each other. I wish we could because I do miss her.

Hurt is hurt. Pain is pain. And loss is loss. And it sucks.

To leave you with something, anything, this is it: be true to yourself even though it hurts. Be strong because in the end, you are all you have.

Until next time,

I feel broken but I will mend. I just need some glue and some alcohol. And some ice cream… and chocolate.

 

 

 

 

 

How Do You Play?

“What did everyone do in school today?” -me
“Oh, Rogue and I played ‘Frozen Mom.'” -Nicholas
“How do you play that?” -Vincent
“Oh well, I was Olaf but my first name was Olaf, my middle name was Kristoph, and my last name was Sven.” -Nicholas
“And who was Rogue?” -Vincent
“Oh she was Elsa’s mom.” -Nicholas
“Oh so she bossed you around because she was the mom?” -Vincent
“Uhh…” -Nicholas
“Yeah Nicholas. She had to boss you because that’s what mom’s do… they boss people.” -Vincent

So today I learned that I am bossy.

Until next time,

Read this post and share my blog because I said so.

Bigfoots Sighting in Delaware

Vincent and I were coming home from school and this is our legit conversation:

“Mommy? Do we live in a city or town?” -Vincent
“We live in the city.” -me

Then the kid breaks down into sobs. Like real tears and I am at a stop lighting thinking what the hell? Our city isn’t that bad. Meanwhile, I am trying to see why he is crying but he sits right behind me so I have to contort my body in ways that are only familiar to a lady of the night.

“Oh my God! They’re coming to get me! They’re coming to the city!” -Vincent

He’s Italian so I am thinking it’s the Godfather shit or something like that.

“Vincent. Calm down. Who is coming to get you?!” -me
“The vampires. They are supposed to come on January 8, 2013.” -Vincent

What. The. Hell. Is. Happening?

“OK buddy. That date was two years ago. Vampires aren’t comimg. They would already be here.” -me
“Oh God!” -Vincent
“Vincent vampires aren’t real.” -me
“But Gabe in my class said they were!” -Vincent
“Ok. Well he is six and I’m thirty-six so…?” -me
“Well, he knows. You need to call his house! You need to talk to his mom! You need to talk to Gabe!” -Vincent
“Okay, well first off, I’m not calling because I don’t think they would appreciate a thirty-six year old calling a six-year old to tell him that vampires are not real. And I would probably go to jail so…” -me
“Well, what about chupacabras; are they real?”
“God no Vincent.” -me
“What about bigfoots? They’re real because Gabe said he saw bigfoots and a chupacabra.” -Vincent
“First of all, it’s Bigfoot. And no.” -me
“Well, when there is more than one it’s bigfoots.” -Vincent

Yup… I didn’t have an answer for that justification but I did have a crazy ass contortion at each red light and a muscle spasm.

Knowledge is power and I am super thankful that Vincent’s school library had a book on momsters. And that he is learning grammar.

Until next time,

Mummy

You’re on Time? I’ll Fix That.

Remember yesterday when you were getting ready for work and your daughter decided to put Minnie Mouse stamps all over her face?

Cool. I didn’t need to be on time for work or anything.

Love,

I’ll be at least fifteen minutes late

Counting Down

I have written openly about my depression randomly in some of my blogs. I have had many people reaching out to me in personal messages or when I am out thanking me for my honesty because they are struggling too. So I decided that once a week, I will be open and honest about my week- maybe it can help someone; maybe it can help you? But I’m not going to lie, sometimes I will still be a sarcastic smart ass.

So this week started out rough and I want to explain what it’s like to be in my head. Usually, life just comes and goes. I usually feel like I am in a movie watching myself making decisions and living life. I am always going through the motions but never really ‘feeling.’ I think the only thing I do feel is extreme happiness and extreme anger. There is never anything in between.

Let me explain my anger. I am like a dormant volcano- I look calm from the outside but inside I feel like I am constantly bubbling under the surface. One little thing can set me off to a number ten on the scale and I can’t seem to get down again to a normal level.

Sometimes I feel like I am on this carousel and I am riding one of those damn, colorful horses. I am spinning around and around and the same crap is happening. I can see it coming… whizzing past me in blurs of color. It is just all the same… my brain and my negative tape never shuts off. I am getting sick from the ride and I am waiting for the lanky teenager to get me off the damn horse but instead of a teenager running the ride, I just see myself. With each pass, I just keep waiting for me to stop my own ride but it seems impossible.

So I decided a couple years ago that I would try to make the ride stop… spinning in circles makes me physically sick anyway and thus began my weekly therapy sessions. And I am going to be honest… weekly isn’t enough. Sometimes I still need to reach out to my therapist during the week and I am lucky enough to have a therapist that always makes herself available.

So being angry in a world where people are usually calm blows. People always tell you to ‘just decide to be happy’ and I want to tell them ‘to just decide not to be an idiot.’

And then there is my extreme happiness. I have a loving husband and three beautiful, crazy kids. And even though my kids drive me to drink on some days, sometimes they say things that just hit me.

Last night, Vincent came into our room crying. When I woke up to see what was wrong, he started to cry harder and said ‘mommy, I don’t want to grow up. I want to stay little and be with you forever.’ Well, let’s just say I pulled that little six year old into our bed and cuddled him until he fell asleep and I was able to steal back my pillow.

Then I realized that I have a lot of times, like most parents I’m sure, where I wish away time. Counting down the moments till bedtime, counting down the time till I can be alone, counting down life. Everyone says you shouldn’t waste your days away and they are right but sometimes that is unrealistic.

I never want to be unrealistic and live in a world of extreme happiness but I also don’t want to be that angry dormant volcano either. So where should I fall?

I will fall wherever on a day to day basis. I will never wake up and just ‘decide’ to be happy. I will work my ass off to try to be happy and I will try not to count down the minutes.

And I never want my kids to grow up… they are cute the way they are and they give me good writing material.

Until next time,

A mom who is struggling