Now that Easter has passed, I wanted to write a post on religion. It’s not what you think… I just have a lot of questions and observations.
1) since family drives us crazy, at least mine does… is it a coincidence that we celebrate Easter on Easter Sunday? I mean, Jesus didn’t even stick around to celebrate with his family. He was out and up right away.
2) Jesus walked on water right? Well, have you ever been to the beach when you are walking out to the waves and you are basically walking on water and then you hit a sand cliff and fall off and suddenly you’re drowning? Maybe Jesus was just on a water cliff.
3) Jesus turned water into wine but maybe what happened was Jesus just stole from his mom’s liquor cabinet. And then she couldn’t find her liquor and Jesus and his boys had to put all the stolen liquor back in the giant jugs. The party is over Jesus.
4) Lazarus dies right? Then Jesus raises him from the dead. So basically, Lazarus is a zombie. The bible was the first version of the Walking Dead.
5) the Last Supper was bread and stolen wine from the Virgin Mary. Why? I would have had lobster and chocolate cake. Wouldn’t it be great to eat that every Sunday? I’m catholic so I would still believe that chocolate cake was the body of Christ but it would taste better.
6) Jesus helped his disciples fish when they couldn’t figure out how to do it themselves. Then they got lots of fish because Jesus told them to toss their nets. Maybe Jesus planted those nets with the fish already in it? Not impossible right- there was nothing else to do so I could see Jesus doing this. He was bored.
7) What if Jesus was the best and most successful con-artist ever. I mean I believe in Jesus but I’m just saying… think about it. Wouldn’t that be amazing…
8) Jesus had his feet washed with a woman’s tears and then dried with her hair at the last supper. First, that is sweetly gross. Second, wouldn’t we call that a bad drunk? Maybe she drank too much of the stolen wine? Just a thought. If I started doing this, Joe would pick me up and take me home to sleep it off.
9) the song Jesus Take the Wheel… touching song but do we really want Jesus to drive? I mean, does he even have a license? I heard people were shorter back then… would he even be able to reach the pedals? We have to think people before we ask Jesus to drive us home.
10) Jesus fed 5,000 people. I hate feeding twenty people at a birthday party.
So in conclusion, I love Jesus and his silly antics, stolen wine and his ability to host large amounts of people. I’m a believer who just likes to joke around. Here is a prayer for me… pray that Jesus doesn’t kill me for this blog post. But if I do die today… you know who did it. Share my story.
Until next time,
I’m going to see if wine will come out of my faucet.