Month: March 2016

I Don’t Want You to Take the Wheel

Now that Easter has passed, I wanted to write a post on religion. It’s not what you think… I just have a lot of questions and observations.

1) since family drives us crazy, at least mine does… is it a coincidence that we celebrate Easter on Easter Sunday? I mean, Jesus didn’t even stick around to celebrate with his family. He was out and up right away.

2) Jesus walked on water right? Well, have you ever been to the beach when you are walking out to the waves and you are basically walking on water and then you hit a sand cliff and fall off and suddenly you’re drowning? Maybe Jesus was just on a water cliff.

3) Jesus turned water into wine but maybe what happened was Jesus just stole from his mom’s liquor cabinet. And then she couldn’t find her liquor and Jesus and his boys had to put all the stolen liquor back in the giant jugs. The party is over Jesus.

4) Lazarus dies right? Then Jesus raises him from the dead. So basically,  Lazarus is a zombie. The bible was the first version of the Walking Dead.

5) the Last Supper was bread and stolen wine from the Virgin Mary. Why? I would have had lobster and chocolate cake. Wouldn’t it be great to eat that every Sunday? I’m catholic so I would still believe that chocolate cake was the body of Christ but it would taste better.

6) Jesus helped his disciples fish when they couldn’t figure out how to do it themselves. Then they got lots of fish because Jesus told them to toss their nets. Maybe Jesus planted those nets with the fish already in it? Not impossible right- there was nothing else to do so I could see Jesus doing this. He was bored.

7) What if Jesus was the best and most successful con-artist ever. I mean I believe in Jesus but I’m just saying… think about it. Wouldn’t that be amazing…

8) Jesus had his feet washed with a woman’s tears and then dried with her hair at the last supper. First, that is sweetly gross. Second, wouldn’t we call that a bad drunk? Maybe she drank too much of the stolen wine? Just a thought. If I started doing this, Joe would pick me up and take me home to sleep it off.

9) the song Jesus Take the Wheel… touching song but do we really want Jesus to drive? I mean, does he even have a license? I heard people were shorter back then… would he even be able to reach the pedals? We have to think people before we ask Jesus to drive us home.

10) Jesus fed 5,000 people. I hate feeding twenty people at a birthday party.

So in conclusion, I love Jesus and his silly antics, stolen wine and his ability to host large amounts of people. I’m a believer who just likes to joke around. Here is a prayer for me… pray that Jesus doesn’t kill me for this blog post. But if I do die today… you know who did it. Share my story.

Until next time,

I’m going to see if wine will come out of my faucet.

Top Ten Things I Have Missed About Teaching

So since my car accident, (read: I Need to Climb), I have decided to make a top ten list of things I have missed about teaching. I mean, when you miss a month of school to rest up from a major concussion, you miss so many wonderful things.

1)Adulting. I miss being an adult with responsibilities.

2)Work Clothes: I miss being uncomfortable in pants that don’t fit and school appropriate shirts that hide my cleavage. Unfortunately, turtle necks don’t even hide my cleavage soooo… yeah.

3) 5:07 am: the first time my alarm goes off and then the game I play after that is called ‘Alarm Clock Roulette.’ Did I turn off the alarm or did I hit snooze? Only my body will shock me awake in a sheer panic.

4) 10:40 am: yes, to you it doesn’t mean anything. To me, it means eating lunch while the sun is still barely up. Yes, I would love to have my left over pulled pork from the night before on a bun. It’s OK that I won’t eat dinner for another eight hours… I will survive.

5)Hall Duty: the five minutes between classes that I watch the hall and try to fight for the bathroom… If I don’t get the bathroom, I can hold it for another 1.5 hours. Teachers have kidneys of steel.

6) Grading: I miss grading. But thank God I have been out for a straight month, I will have so much to grade! You get an ‘A,’ you get an ‘A,’ you all get an ‘A’! Except you, I don’t like you so… you get an ‘F’. Hours and hours of grading fun.

7) Taking Attendance: I have really missed keeping tabs on my high school students… UAB, EAB, UTY, ACT, ISS, OSS, WTFC?!

8)Meetings: God, I have missed meetings. Just sitting there staring off at the speaker pretending to be paying attention. I try not to blink. It burns your eyes but it shows how much you are interested in the meeting that doesn’t really affect you.

9) Data: Jesus, no one has kept me abreast (haha, ‘a breast’) on how we are doing in SAT’s, ACT’s, PSAT’s, DCAS, and Smarter Balance!

God! How are we doing Nation wide? District wide? School wide? Individual wide?

Please someone breakdown our results based on gender, nationality, race, religion, sexual orientation, and favorite colors. How have I been in the dark for so long?!

10) Stress: I have missed having heart palpatations, mystery boob sweat, a twitching eye and a feeling of impending doom.

I can’t wait for school tomorrow! In all honesty,  I have missed my students… most of them.

Until next time,

I am so glad not to wear my pajamas all day, everyday. Man, that was lame… I’m excited for work clothes and responsibility.

Winning Big

Big accomplishments:

“Hey mommy! I didn’t suck my thumb at school today!” – Emily

“That’s awesome baby;
congratulations!” -me

“Hey mommy! I did pick my nose today at school but I didn’t pick my ear, so that’s good.” -Nicholas

We all have things to be proud of…

Until next time,

I didn’t pick my nose today either… oh wait, nevermind.

St. Patrick’s Day Explained to You by a Three Year Old

Ever wonder about leprechauns? Ever wonder what they do the night of St. Patrick’s Day?

Well, now it is very clear that they don’t just hide gold and drink beer.

Enjoy this informational video and always keep an eye out for these little guys…. they’re creepin’ and creepin’ and creepin.’

Happy St. Patrick’s Day.

image

Until next time,

Can someone bring me some green beer?

Silence

I am sitting in silence. The buzzing in my ears is all too familiar but the quiet envelops me. It wraps my body like a warm blanket.

My mood is neither here nor there.

My silent suffering comes whether I invite it or not. It hides under my bed like the monsters I used to run from when I was young.

In the mid-day sun or the shadows of night is where my depression lives. It sits and it waits much like a lion about to pounce on its prey. It is always there just beyond my reach but it’s a part of me that is hard to shake.

Sometimes I wonder who am I? I sit here and listen to the buzzing in my ears and ‘wonder who am I?’ I don’t know who I am because I never had a chance to just be. How do you discover who you are at thirty-six? I have to learn to trust. Even the word makes me nauseous. Perhaps, in time?

I watch the flames dancing in the fireplace now. They move freely; one yellow-orange flicker after another. What would it be like to dance and be free- to follow that smoke up into the sky and move with the breeze? Only God knows and I’m not ready yet.

Until next time,

Allison

Saturday Drives

As we are all in the car, Emily said she needed to find ‘E’ words to help her recognize the beginning letter of her name. Then Vincent wanted to look for ‘V’ words and Nicholas was looking for ‘N’ words. Such a lovely Saturday drive.

Then Vincent started reading store signs. He’s a good reader for a seven year old but I am still so impressed when he reads words that I don’t think he should know.

Then we pass by a T-Mobile store and Vincent shouts out

‘and there is T-Mobile.’ -Vincent

Joe and I look at each other and Joe said ‘wow buddy… how did you know that? That was good reading!’

‘I learned it from tv… annnnnd, they have data!’ -Vincent

Bahaha! Oh my God, this was so hilarious! Love that kid.

Until next time,

Maybe I should switch my carrier to T-Mobile so I can have data.

Parental Fails

Well, we had another exciting dinner last night. Part of it was like watching a reality show and the other part was like watching the strong man competition but with a woman. Several things happened in a span of twenty minutes:

1) I asked Emily for a hug and she told me no. Sad right? But then I found out that she said no because she smelled dinner. Totally my child- food wins over everyone and everything.

So as she is sitting there, I say to her… ‘did you say your prayers?’ Well, this kid busts out the loudest prayer except it wasn’t a prayer, it was the Pledge of Allegiance. Parental, Catholic Fail.

2) As the rest of us sat down for dinner, Emily started meowing. Then she started purring and rubbing her dirty, BBQ face on my clothes like a cat would show affection to their owner. As if that didn’t get the point across, she started licking her bread like a bowl full of milk. Joe and I caught eyes and let her keep eating her dinner. At least she was eating. So apparently, teaching her manners for three years has not worked. Parental Fail for manners and we don’t even have a cat.

3) Nicholas decided in the middle of dinner that he had to use the bathroom. We can’t get them to go when we need them to go but man, as soon as they’re at the dinner table it’s like a bathroom tour around the damn house. So he kindly excused himself and as he was leaving, he told us his butt was on fire.

Nice visual right? Except the next visual was him in the dining room watching us eat. Creepy. When I told him to come back to the table, he stepped away from the wall he was peeking behind and was butt naked and then he told Joe that he was wiping his butt in the dining room. Really? Really? You have been potty trained for three years. What. Is. The. Obsession. With. Your. Poop? Wth. Parental Fail on cleanliness.

4) After the butt incident, Emily wanted me to feel her muscles. I told her how strong she was and asked her how she got those big muscles and she told me it was because she has been sleeping. Really? When? And then it happened, Emily runs into the toy room and she comes back and has her stroller over her head running through the kitchen in what I can only describe as some kind of roid rage. Parental Fail- we need to teach them to ‘just say no.’

So yes, in twenty minutes we had four Parental Fails… that’s one for every five minutes- right? I am not exactly stellar in the math department.

Until next time,

This TV program airs every night from 6:30 -7:30 pm. Check your local listings…

The Downside of Cereal

The downside of cereal explained to you by a three year old:

‘Emily, what do you want for breakfast?’ -me

‘Honey Nut Cheerios.’ -Emily

‘Are you sure you don’t want Froot Loops?’ -me

‘Nah… I don’t want Froot Loops because I don’t want my poop to be different colors.’ -Emily

This public announcement was brought to you by Emily.

You’re welcome.

Until next time,

I guess different colored poop isn’t the ‘in’ thing these days…

Tell Me a Bedtime Story…

Every night at bedtime, Nicholas and Emily want me to tell them a story. The first story has to be about them being in my belly and the second one has to be about them being a little boy or girl.

Well, we have been doing this for months and I started running out of individual stories so I started telling them the same exact story as I go room to room.

I can just see it now… twenty years down the road, we are sitting at Christmas dinner and they will play ‘remember the time I did…’ and then they will argue that I told them that story was about them. Luckily for me, I know the true meaning of the holiday is Jesus and spiked eggnog. So I will just sit back and watch them argue while I cheers to Jesus’ birth. Way to be born Jesus!

So last night was the same. I told Nicholas and Emily that when they were babies, they used to try to suck on Joe’s and my nose and then we would know they were hungry.

Of course, Emily laughed and I was able to leave the room. Nicholas, I wasn’t so lucky. He started asking questions and I’m a big advocate of telling them the truth.

Here is our conversation:

‘So mommy, I used to suck on your nose and then you would know I was hungry?’ -Nicholas

‘Yup.’ -me

‘So… did I only eat from a bottle? Do all babies eat from a bottle?’ -Nicholas

‘Well, no. Some babies eat from their mom’s breast because when the moms have babies, they have milk in their breast.’ -me

‘Well, did I do that?’ -Nicholas

‘Yup.’ -me

Then it became an awkward conversation…

‘Well, can I see the milk?’ -Nicholas

‘No, because it goes away when the baby grows up. -me

‘I wish I was still a baby.’ -Nicholas

‘No you don’t because then you couldn’t do big boy things.’ -me

Then it became worse… he literally pokes my boob and says…

‘So is that why your breast is so squishy because it had milk in it and now it doesn’t?’

So in conclusion, I need to discuss with Nicholas what is OK to say to women and what will promote women to grab pitch forks and torches and chase his ass down the street. I guess Sesame Street doesn’t discuss this…

Until next time,

Squishy boob signing off.