Month: June 2016

Happy Anniversary 

To my husband:

We have known each other for fifteen years and have been married for ten of those years today.

You are my soul mate, my best friend and the one I lean on; no words I have to say.

We have had a wonderful relationship; our boat will sometimes rock but we won’t let it tip.

There have been calm waters and we have been through storms but no matter what you have been my anchor.

You keep me here and you keep me grounded. Without you I am lost and unfounded.

You know how to make me happy and when I see you, I still get the butterflies just like I did all those years before. No matter what life throws at us, you will never show me the door.

You have stuck by me on my good days and bad. You have held me tight and kept me close when I was sad.

No matter how hard I push, you push right back. You won’t leave me and you won’t give me slack.

You believe in me like nobody else would. You fight for me, you love me just like a husband should.

I will never want anyone else because you are the only one for me. You’re kind, handsome and smart and I knew that from the start.

The first time I looked into your green eyes I knew you were the one for me. I knew you would eventually fall to one knee.

That time has come and gone and ten plus years we have been married and strong. 

I can’t wait to see what the next years bring. I hope it’s more then ten, I hope it’s one-hundred and three.

I love how you love me day and night. I love how you hold me when I don’t feel right. I love how you won’t let me go. I love how you are my best friend. I love how you love me and you accept me for me. You love me like no one else ever did or could. Happy fifteen and ten years, we are making it just like you said we would.

Until next year, 

Allison xo

Here is a List of Things that Piss Me Off…

Pay attention people. This is a list of things that piss me off. So don’t do them because then I will basically label you as an asshole.

1. Not saying thank you.

-What the hell is wrong with you. It’s two little words ass wipe.

2. People that bring their dogs to outdoor restaurants.

-I love dogs but I don’t like their hair blowing in the wind and then their hair floating in my food. The only thing that should float in the air are dandelion seeds… your dog is not a dandelion.

3. People that work in customer service but aren’t polite.

-If you are going to be an asshole, then work in a cubicle. In the basement. Away from people. In the dark.

4. People who drive in the left lane.

-Get the hell out of the left lane. I am late and you are driving slower than an Amish buggy after Sunday service.

5. People that smoke and vape.

-I don’t care that you do it. Congrats. What I do care about is that when you do it, I am emerging from a cloud of smoke. The only people that should emerge from smoke like that are magicians after they make their annoying sidekicks disappear. Go find somewhere else to vape- I don’t care if it smells like coconut and lemongrass.

6. Tattle-talers

-Listen, unless you are bleeding or dying, I don’t want to hear about it.

7. Cleaning with children

-First, I don’t think it’s necessary because they mess it up anyway. And if they eat dirt, well, that’s less that I have to cook.

8. Liars

-People hate that I’m blunt… I hate that you lie. Just tell people how it is. Why sugar coat things? I keep a tally of how many people I can make cry. If you are in my tally, sorry, I’m not sorry. Get a tissue.

9. People that don’t understand sarcasm.

-Are you that incapable of laughing? It’s not hard… just get your head out of your ass and maybe you will get it. People that are sarcastic are funny. The reason we are sarcastic is because we are trying our best not to punch you in the face. But no worries, we are daydreaming about it.

10. People who don’t believe in daily survival techniques.

-I’m not talking about making a small fire out of rocks. I’m talking about drinking when things get tough. Dear God, day drinking is normal. We should all be allowed to drink no matter what time it is. ‘Five o’clock somewhere?’ I say is it ‘o’clock?’ Have a beer.

Until next time,

Stop being an ass and follow these general rules when you are around me.

To: ‘My Friend.’

An open letter to you:

I don’t think you will ever know how much I hurt. How many days and nights I think about what I must have done to have you hate me so much. What I did to make you turn on me and emotionally abuse me the way you did. Do you know how many days I go without thinking about you? None. I think about you everyday. The hurtful memories are still very much on the surface and I relive them on a daily basis. Over and over again my mind it turns. I don’t even respect myself enough to walk away from a bad friendship and I don’t respect myself enough to even walk away from a bad memory. Each day you still emotionally have a hold on me. I try to shake it but I cry instead. You told me that you wouldn’t leave but you fucking lied to me. Left me and watched me die piece by piece from afar.

I still think of the fun times when we would make each other laugh or we would make fun of people together on the dance floor or the creepy guy in the corner. I still think of those times too and wonder what I did so wrong to you. Those memories are starting to fade and I wonder if they are fading for you too?

Eventually you will forget me but I can’t forget. You were such a big part of my life for two years. Being my mentor and friend… I thought my best friend.

I have so many attachment issues and I know you know me in and out. You know how to make me hurt and you knew how much I trusted you. You know how much I loved you and you used my feelings against me. Why? I will never get answers for this, it’s just ‘rhetorical  and I can never make sense out of nonsense’ as you once said to me.

Yeah, I know you still read my blog. It was pretty obvious that day in June and it will be obvious when I see you in August. I guess it makes sense that you would use my feelings against me because you have been doing it all along anyway.

I know you will show ‘your world’ this blog. You will probably make fun of it; laughing at my pain and laughing at my attachment and my abandonment issues. You can laugh, that’s OK. But I’m not laughing. I’m still crying, pretty much every day. I don’t even want to live most days. The not knowing is the hardest. And when I don’t know, I internalize everything and then I believe I did something wrong. However, I know I didn’t. I wish you did.

Keep up with me. When I am the most depressed and the most hopeless, I write about you because you are the one that caused my hopelessness. I was hopeless before but you just did what you said you wouldn’t. You told me that you would stay and you didn’t. You were so mean to me and I tried to just help and tried to take care of myself.

I think when you called me stupid and threatened my family and my life, I had to get out. And you know what is super fucked up? Sometimes I still miss you. And that is fucked up.

Until next time,

Let me just go.

Men are Idiots

So yesterday, Vincent told Nicholas that he was going to kick him in the nuts. I busted out laughing because I have been waiting for this day. Thank you public school! So I calmly, through the bouts of laughter, told Vincent that he should use the word testicles.

Fast forward through the day until last night when Nicholas started laughing and told us that he just slapped Joe in the ‘technicals.’ Haha.

And then there is this morning. This post is dedicated to all the women out there who know an idiotic male…

I got my period this morning. You may say eww… but I say… yay, I’m not pregnant. Either way, I asked Joe to leave me the whole bottle of ibuprofen because I think I am dying. And he doesn’t get it. So I told him I was going to punch him in the ‘technicals’ for five to seven days so he would understand the pains of being a woman.

So here is a list of things you should not say to a woman on her period or near her period or ever. Assholes… I mean, guys, pay attention.

1. Well, you didn’t have cramps when you were laying down.

-No shit. I was sleeping.

2. Oh no, you got your period?

-No. I just like to hold tampons.

3. In the Amazon, they send the women out of the village when they have their period.

-I would welcome that. It would mean a week away every month. Bleeding or not, it would be a vacation from the stupid things you are saying to me at this moment.

4. Why do you need all that ibuprofen?

-Listen asshole. I need it because it feels like 1,000 knives are repeatedly hitting me in the ovaries.

5. When you leave your box of tampons in the downstairs bathroom it makes me feel uncomfortable because people can see them.

-Listen. I am not running up and down the stairs to get a tampon. If people get uncomfortable looking at a box, then they have bigger issues.

6. You seem angry. Is it almost ‘that time?’

-Hold up. Did you just ask me if it’s almost ‘that time?’ First of all, it happens every month- it’s not a secret and when it’s ‘that time,’ I will rip you to shreds with my words and my actions. Are you still intact? Ok… then shut up.

7. Whoa. You are actually doing laundry?

-Yes. Mostly to spare you. Laundry is not in my marriage contract but I am doing it out of the kindness of my heart so you don’t pass out.

8. Are you almost done?

-Is this a pickup line to get in my pants because it’s not working. At this point I will be bleeding… like forever.

9. Ok. I went to the BJ’s but I couldn’t get your period stuff because the store was closing.

-Really? Really. Yet you spent over a $100 before the store closed. And it’s called tampons. Say the word… taaaaampoooons. It’s not called period stuff. However, good thing we have mini bagels and frozen chicken… that will really help my period issues.

10. Are you going to eat that?

-What. Did. You. Just. Say?

Guys, stop being idiots because I have no problems stabbing you in the ‘technicals’ this week.

Until next time,

Pass me a box of period stuff… asshole.

When Your Children Go to the Darkside

“I don’t like Caillou.” -me

“Yeah. Me either.” -Emily

“He is too whiny.” -me

“Yeah…” -Emily

“You like the mom though right?” -Emily

“No. I like the cat. He seems like the only sensible character on the show. You know what I mean?” -me

“Yeah.” -Emily

And that’s when it happened… Caillou did something stupid and Emily laughed. It’s time to re-adjust my will.

Until next time,

I need a good lawyer because if my kids like Caillou, they aren’t getting a single penny. That’s all I have. Like one penny.

Great, now Emily is literally talking to Caillou. This keeps getting worse… 

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Oh Balls!

We went out to lunch and Emily won a ball from the claw game… just to preface the loud conversation in the restaurant surrounded by tons of other people:

“I want my ball!” -Emily

“OK, you can have it when we get home.” -me

“I wish I had a ball…” -Nicholas

“Why can’t Nicholas have a ball?” -Emily

…well, I forgot who I was with so I accidentally slipped and said…

“Nicholas already has two balls.” -me

Then I proceeded to laugh and Joe just rolled his eyes…

“Well, I want to see his two balls!” -Emily

“I don’t have two balls! I don’t have any balls.” -Nicholas

“Where are Nicholas’ balls?” -Emily

“His balls are at home” -Joe

“My balls are not at home. I don’t know where they are!” -Nicholas

Bahaha… I laughed till I cried and then laughed till I peed. Hilarious.

Until next time,

Has anyone seen my ovaries?

Twenty-Four Hours of Stay-at-Home-Momming

It has been approximately twenty-four hours of being a full time mom; the first day of summer with all three, little kids. It was also the first day I wanted to walk around the house with a fifth of alcohol and a straw.

Going from a full time teacher to a full time mom is a ridiculous transition. It’s extremely difficult and I have a hard time getting into a groove with three, young children.

Just to paint you a picture, I teach high school. They are capable of getting their own drinks and wiping their own ass. High school students even take naps… Sometimes while you are still talking to them. And then there are my children…

They are still learning how to get their own drinks, it’s touch and go for wiping their own asses and they never take naps. I wish they were like my high school students and found me boring enough to fall asleep while I was talking. I actually went upstairs last night at 5pm and passed out- face first, horizontally on my bed from sheer exhaustion. Let me give you some highlights of my first twenty-four hours being a stay-at-home-momming.

1. I woke up to the kids screaming at each other. Vincent ‘accidentally’ watched the wrong show and wouldn’t let Emily watch something so naturally that causes for high pitched shrieking at 7am. It was loud enough to wake up the dead.

2. Both boys had timeouts before Joe left for work at 8am.

3. I cried before 8am.

4. I cried after 8am.

5. Swim practice yesterday at 10am and before we got out of the parking lot, Emily face planted and started screaming.

6. Emily just whined from 10 – 11 am. There was a point I was considering tossing her into the pool and see how she did swimming without a floatie.

7. Nicholas and Vincent were out of the water every five seconds to tell me they were cold. Shut your traps and swim around. Mommy does not exist at swim practice.

8. Nicholas came out of the pool on one of his adventures because he had to use the bathroom. I hate public restrooms, especially at this pool so that was gross.

9. Emily waited till I got back to tell me she had to go the bathroom. Wtf?

10. When we got into the stall, her first comment was to talk about all the blood that is in the little trash cans. Loud enough for the general public to hear. I guess I tell them too much.

11. We made an agenda for each day of the week so the kids would know what time TV was and lunch and crap like that. I destroyed the agenda on the first day and they watched TV for like four straight hours.

12. I didn’t have coffee. I could have died.

13. Nicholas kept smelling Vincent’s butt. Things in our house get awkward.

14. Dinnertime yesterday… nobody would eat my dinner. So much for an hour worth of cooking. I think I am going to make the kids eat bread and water from now on.

15. Emily made me be her horse in the evening. She combed my hair, my scalp was bleeding, she fed me pretend carrots and water… it was the best part of the day. Until…

16. Emily invited me into the bathroom while she pooped. Luckily for me, she also sang me a song.

17. Bedtime happens and suddenly everyone has an ailment. Boo boos hurt, the kids are coughing and legs need to be amputated.

18. Swim practice this morning and the kids are waiting to get their team picture taken. The boys are waiting in line and they are surrounded by other kids and there are parents everywhere and Vincent screams at me through the fence… ‘mommy! Nicholas just stuck his finger in my butt again!’

Cool… I didn’t want to fit in or anything.

19. My kids were in and out of the pool… kind of like salmon swimming up stream, gracefully jumping in and out of the water. Except my kids aren’t graceful, weren’t jumping and we’re just out of the water to give me updates on how cold they were.

20. Swim practice starts for today and Vincent and Nicholas are literally doing laps! Back and forth! Holy hell- oh wait. They were hanging on the backs of the coaches. No swimming was actually completed.

So yes. Twenty-four hours of being a stay at home mom. To all the stay at home moms out there. You deserve a medal, a vacation, endless umbrella drinks that include a cabana boy, therapy, uninterrupted sleep, uninterrupted time to pee, a maid, a cook and more to drink.

Cheers to all of the stay at home parents out there! I need to leave for an emergency therapy appointment.

Until next time,

I might put myself in my own straight jacket with a padded cell.

Happy Father’s Day

Happy Father’s day to all of the dad’s out there.

Today is a special day for all the dads out there. Today is the day where all the moms want you to spend the whole day with the kids.

Your itinerary for the day is:

1. You will get to sleep in but will be woken up by one of the children slapping your nuts. Goooood Morning!

2. Pooping with an audience.

3. Cuddling will consist of all the kids sitting on you at the same time. The requirement is to have at least one kid literally sitting on your head, like a hat.

4. For the full 24 hour period, you shall continuously hear the word ‘dad.’ At the end of the 24 hours, you will consider a name change and entering into the witness protection program.

5. You will be the milk and juice bitch today.

6. You will not go anywhere alone, as one of your children has attached a GPS to your ass.

7. You will wear black and white stripes today and you will referee the children.

8. Your ‘ride’ will be the mini-van.

9. TV will be a continuous loop of sports… just kidding.

10. And the whole day will be worth it because of all the hugs, kisses, I love yous and even the I hate yous.

Happy Father’s Day to all the dads out there. And even if you don’t have children of your own, remember that you are a mentor to many.

A special Happy Father’s Day to my husband, Joe. You are an amazing and loving dad to our three mofos and I wouldn’t want to do this with anyone else.  Xo

Until next time,

Moms… take a much needed break today. 😉

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Can You Feel That?

The other day I had a splinter in my finger from taking a little field trip to new abandoned, burned out house to take photographs. I must have touched the door frame and got this splinter. I thought I was covered with poison ivy from head to toe but by the grace of God, I dodged that.

And that was when I realized that you don’t ever really feel a body part until it hurts. Like my baby toe. I don’t feel it unless I step on something… Probably on a freaking lego. I never really thought about my finger until I had a tiny, little piece of wood. And that small piece of wood hurt so bad! Not to mention the X-acto knife I had to use to cut it out.

And that’s what my life is like right now. Having BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)is like finally feeling part of your body that you have been trying so hard to ignore. And that little, piece of wood is like all of the bullshit that we all deal in everyday life but mine is exacerbated like a million times more. It’s like a million splinters from that burned out house.

Having BPD is a roller coaster of fears and emotions. I fear a lot of things I cannot control, like the future and the past. I still obsess over being left by people whom I thought I could trust and I worry about what the future holds. I play the what if and should have game, especially when people leave me. Like I’m not good enough or I wasn’t worth being loved. People don’t realize how little, insignificant comments or gestures could break a person. Break their livelihood and break their self-worth. This recently happened to me and it’s hard to let go and realize it’s not me, it’s them.

I am starting to learn through therapy that my journey is going to be long and hard. I currently believe that I am worthless, I still believe that life would be better if I didn’t exist; however, I know that is not true and something I have conditioned myself to feel.

Many people in life are going to hurt you, damage you, bring you down and then crap on you when you are already rolling around on the floor. I feel like literally, I have been tossed aside by people who swore they would be with me and never abandon me but their talk was all lies. They never cared about me. I was only worth something when it was convient for them and when I was worth their time.

So I am damaged. I am broken but I know I will get better. But when?

Before I got my splinter, I couldn’t feel my useless finger. But then, when I touched that door frame and got that splinter, it was like the worst thing that ever happened to this little finger. And because of that stupid splinter, I had to cut it out to feel better. That splinter is like the bullshit that I deal with- the memories; the sadness; the abandonment; the perception that I am not good enough.

And what did I do? I took a knife to that mofo and cut into my skin for a good forty-five minutes until I popped it out. The cutting was painful, hard and long and that is just like my therapy. The forty-five minutes of cutting, healing and getting out that splinter was worth it and so will the three years of therapy.

The only way to get rid of the hurt is to cut it out and let it go. I will never forget that damn splinter because the ramifications still hurt but one day I will heal like this stupid finger.

Moral of the story- watch out for burned out abandoned door frames.

Splinters are impossible to avoid but know that you have to cut it out to heal.

Cut that bad boy out and move the hell on, no matter how impossible it feels, how much it hurts or how long it takes.

Until next time,

Cut out the splinter before it destroys your finger and you die.

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You can check out and purchase my photographs here. I hope you take a look… especially the abandoned places portfolio because I love it so much!

Or you can like and find me on Facebook, Instagram and wedding.com. I am creatively under Allison Iannone Photography.

Spread the love and avoid the splinters.