Happy Anniversary 

To my husband:

We have known each other for fifteen years and have been married for ten of those years today.

You are my soul mate, my best friend and the one I lean on; no words I have to say.

We have had a wonderful relationship; our boat will sometimes rock but we won’t let it tip.

There have been calm waters and we have been through storms but no matter what you have been my anchor.

You keep me here and you keep me grounded. Without you I am lost and unfounded.

You know how to make me happy and when I see you, I still get the butterflies just like I did all those years before. No matter what life throws at us, you will never show me the door.

You have stuck by me on my good days and bad. You have held me tight and kept me close when I was sad.

No matter how hard I push, you push right back. You won’t leave me and you won’t give me slack.

You believe in me like nobody else would. You fight for me, you love me just like a husband should.

I will never want anyone else because you are the only one for me. You’re kind, handsome and smart and I knew that from the start.

The first time I looked into your green eyes I knew you were the one for me. I knew you would eventually fall to one knee.

That time has come and gone and ten plus years we have been married and strong. 

I can’t wait to see what the next years bring. I hope it’s more then ten, I hope it’s one-hundred and three.

I love how you love me day and night. I love how you hold me when I don’t feel right. I love how you won’t let me go. I love how you are my best friend. I love how you love me and you accept me for me. You love me like no one else ever did or could. Happy fifteen and ten years, we are making it just like you said we would.

Until next year, 

Allison xo

Advertisements

Here is a List of Things that Piss Me Off…

Pay attention people. This is a list of things that piss me off. So don’t do them because then I will basically label you as an asshole.

1. Not saying thank you.

-What the hell is wrong with you. It’s two little words ass wipe.

2. People that bring their dogs to outdoor restaurants.

-I love dogs but I don’t like their hair blowing in the wind and then their hair floating in my food. The only thing that should float in the air are dandelion seeds… your dog is not a dandelion.

3. People that work in customer service but aren’t polite.

-If you are going to be an asshole, then work in a cubicle. In the basement. Away from people. In the dark.

4. People who drive in the left lane.

-Get the hell out of the left lane. I am late and you are driving slower than an Amish buggy after Sunday service.

5. People that smoke and vape.

-I don’t care that you do it. Congrats. What I do care about is that when you do it, I am emerging from a cloud of smoke. The only people that should emerge from smoke like that are magicians after they make their annoying sidekicks disappear. Go find somewhere else to vape- I don’t care if it smells like coconut and lemongrass.

6. Tattle-talers

-Listen, unless you are bleeding or dying, I don’t want to hear about it.

7. Cleaning with children

-First, I don’t think it’s necessary because they mess it up anyway. And if they eat dirt, well, that’s less that I have to cook.

8. Liars

-People hate that I’m blunt… I hate that you lie. Just tell people how it is. Why sugar coat things? I keep a tally of how many people I can make cry. If you are in my tally, sorry, I’m not sorry. Get a tissue.

9. People that don’t understand sarcasm.

-Are you that incapable of laughing? It’s not hard… just get your head out of your ass and maybe you will get it. People that are sarcastic are funny. The reason we are sarcastic is because we are trying our best not to punch you in the face. But no worries, we are daydreaming about it.

10. People who don’t believe in daily survival techniques.

-I’m not talking about making a small fire out of rocks. I’m talking about drinking when things get tough. Dear God, day drinking is normal. We should all be allowed to drink no matter what time it is. ‘Five o’clock somewhere?’ I say is it ‘o’clock?’ Have a beer.

Until next time,

Stop being an ass and follow these general rules when you are around me.

To: ‘My Friend.’

An open letter to you:

I don’t think you will ever know how much I hurt. How many days and nights I think about what I must have done to have you hate me so much. What I did to make you turn on me and emotionally abuse me the way you did. Do you know how many days I go without thinking about you? None. I think about you everyday. The hurtful memories are still very much on the surface and I relive them on a daily basis. Over and over again my mind it turns. I don’t even respect myself enough to walk away from a bad friendship and I don’t respect myself enough to even walk away from a bad memory. Each day you still emotionally have a hold on me. I try to shake it but I cry instead. You told me that you wouldn’t leave but you fucking lied to me. Left me and watched me die piece by piece from afar.

I still think of the fun times when we would make each other laugh or we would make fun of people together on the dance floor or the creepy guy in the corner. I still think of those times too and wonder what I did so wrong to you. Those memories are starting to fade and I wonder if they are fading for you too?

Eventually you will forget me but I can’t forget. You were such a big part of my life for two years. Being my mentor and friend… I thought my best friend.

I have so many attachment issues and I know you know me in and out. You know how to make me hurt and you knew how much I trusted you. You know how much I loved you and you used my feelings against me. Why? I will never get answers for this, it’s just ‘rhetorical  and I can never make sense out of nonsense’ as you once said to me.

Yeah, I know you still read my blog. It was pretty obvious that day in June and it will be obvious when I see you in August. I guess it makes sense that you would use my feelings against me because you have been doing it all along anyway.

I know you will show ‘your world’ this blog. You will probably make fun of it; laughing at my pain and laughing at my attachment and my abandonment issues. You can laugh, that’s OK. But I’m not laughing. I’m still crying, pretty much every day. I don’t even want to live most days. The not knowing is the hardest. And when I don’t know, I internalize everything and then I believe I did something wrong. However, I know I didn’t. I wish you did.

Keep up with me. When I am the most depressed and the most hopeless, I write about you because you are the one that caused my hopelessness. I was hopeless before but you just did what you said you wouldn’t. You told me that you would stay and you didn’t. You were so mean to me and I tried to just help and tried to take care of myself.

I think when you called me stupid and threatened my family and my life, I had to get out. And you know what is super fucked up? Sometimes I still miss you. And that is fucked up.

Until next time,

Let me just go.

Men are Idiots

So yesterday, Vincent told Nicholas that he was going to kick him in the nuts. I busted out laughing because I have been waiting for this day. Thank you public school! So I calmly, through the bouts of laughter, told Vincent that he should use the word testicles.

Fast forward through the day until last night when Nicholas started laughing and told us that he just slapped Joe in the ‘technicals.’ Haha.

And then there is this morning. This post is dedicated to all the women out there who know an idiotic male…

I got my period this morning. You may say eww… but I say… yay, I’m not pregnant. Either way, I asked Joe to leave me the whole bottle of ibuprofen because I think I am dying. And he doesn’t get it. So I told him I was going to punch him in the ‘technicals’ for five to seven days so he would understand the pains of being a woman.

So here is a list of things you should not say to a woman on her period or near her period or ever. Assholes… I mean, guys, pay attention.

1. Well, you didn’t have cramps when you were laying down.

-No shit. I was sleeping.

2. Oh no, you got your period?

-No. I just like to hold tampons.

3. In the Amazon, they send the women out of the village when they have their period.

-I would welcome that. It would mean a week away every month. Bleeding or not, it would be a vacation from the stupid things you are saying to me at this moment.

4. Why do you need all that ibuprofen?

-Listen asshole. I need it because it feels like 1,000 knives are repeatedly hitting me in the ovaries.

5. When you leave your box of tampons in the downstairs bathroom it makes me feel uncomfortable because people can see them.

-Listen. I am not running up and down the stairs to get a tampon. If people get uncomfortable looking at a box, then they have bigger issues.

6. You seem angry. Is it almost ‘that time?’

-Hold up. Did you just ask me if it’s almost ‘that time?’ First of all, it happens every month- it’s not a secret and when it’s ‘that time,’ I will rip you to shreds with my words and my actions. Are you still intact? Ok… then shut up.

7. Whoa. You are actually doing laundry?

-Yes. Mostly to spare you. Laundry is not in my marriage contract but I am doing it out of the kindness of my heart so you don’t pass out.

8. Are you almost done?

-Is this a pickup line to get in my pants because it’s not working. At this point I will be bleeding… like forever.

9. Ok. I went to the BJ’s but I couldn’t get your period stuff because the store was closing.

-Really? Really. Yet you spent over a $100 before the store closed. And it’s called tampons. Say the word… taaaaampoooons. It’s not called period stuff. However, good thing we have mini bagels and frozen chicken… that will really help my period issues.

10. Are you going to eat that?

-What. Did. You. Just. Say?

Guys, stop being idiots because I have no problems stabbing you in the ‘technicals’ this week.

Until next time,

Pass me a box of period stuff… asshole.

When Your Children Go to the Darkside

“I don’t like Caillou.” -me

“Yeah. Me either.” -Emily

“He is too whiny.” -me

“Yeah…” -Emily

“You like the mom though right?” -Emily

“No. I like the cat. He seems like the only sensible character on the show. You know what I mean?” -me

“Yeah.” -Emily

And that’s when it happened… Caillou did something stupid and Emily laughed. It’s time to re-adjust my will.

Until next time,

I need a good lawyer because if my kids like Caillou, they aren’t getting a single penny. That’s all I have. Like one penny.

Great, now Emily is literally talking to Caillou. This keeps getting worse… 

image

Oh Balls!

We went out to lunch and Emily won a ball from the claw game… just to preface the loud conversation in the restaurant surrounded by tons of other people:

“I want my ball!” -Emily

“OK, you can have it when we get home.” -me

“I wish I had a ball…” -Nicholas

“Why can’t Nicholas have a ball?” -Emily

…well, I forgot who I was with so I accidentally slipped and said…

“Nicholas already has two balls.” -me

Then I proceeded to laugh and Joe just rolled his eyes…

“Well, I want to see his two balls!” -Emily

“I don’t have two balls! I don’t have any balls.” -Nicholas

“Where are Nicholas’ balls?” -Emily

“His balls are at home” -Joe

“My balls are not at home. I don’t know where they are!” -Nicholas

Bahaha… I laughed till I cried and then laughed till I peed. Hilarious.

Until next time,

Has anyone seen my ovaries?