I am having a hard week and I know I am slipping into a depression. I have no desire to see anyone or do anything. I think there are several things causing this slip but I feel so out of control with each one.
The main one is being a mom. I know there are moms out there that feel the same way. I am a stay at home mom and work on my own business at home while serial killer documentaries play on Netflix in the background. So I am your basic stay at home mom. Lol. I cook and clean and work on editing photographs pretty much every day. Then my kids come home.
Sometimes the seven hours that they are at school just isn’t enough and that is the part that is bothering me the most. I am getting all of this alone time and then when it is time for family time, I sometimes can’t take it.
My kids fight or whine or fight AND whine at the same time and the noise destroys my brain. I can’t stand the constant fighting and it is about stupid, little things and I just want to tell them to shut the hell up. I am torn between, ‘I love you and want to spend time with you,’ and ‘I love you and I am going to go lock myself in the bathroom now.’
And that is the constant struggle in my brain and I can’t find a balance. Being a mom is difficult. Sometimes you love them and sometimes you are counting the years until they leave the house.
I can’t be alone in this. I have to find my people that are also struggling because most days, I feel like a bad mom.
Not only do I feel like a bad mom but when these things happen, my first instinct is to escape… and I don’t mean on vacation. I feel bad because this thought of hurting myself pops up often when things are just so overbearing. Sometimes I just don’t know what to do.
I look for ways to escape. Sometimes I think about how many pills I could take and then other times I am praying another car will hit me while I’m driving. It’s an awful thought, I know, but it’s a worse feeling.
And please don’t tell me I have so much to live for- I’m not an idiot. I know. But can you imagine a pain so deep that it hurts to breathe? Or your mind turning on you and telling you that you will never be enough? Or looking for an escape that just seems impossible to find? No amount of time away makes things easier; it just makes me more upset that I can never get a break that feels like a real break.
I just got back from a Women’s Retreat and I met some great women. But while I was there, I was still taking care of my family from six hours away. The kids missed me and called me or texted me or emailed me multiple times a day. While it is great to be missed, it was hard to feel like I was away. To take that break in and breathe.
Then last night, I had a huge battle with my twelve year old over homework. That should be a whole separate blog but it’s a perfect example of the struggle. It’s the constant wanting the best for my kids and not being able to give it to them because they need to want it. It’s watching them grow up and wondering if you did a good enough job. It’s wondering if they will be a good person. It’s wondering if they are going to be ok.
Bottom line is I won’t know till we get there and getting there is a struggle. Not always. Sometimes it is a wonderful struggle and other times I want a car to hit me. I know I say that so matter of fact but I am also honest.
If you feel like me and you are struggling, you can always reach out. I have to remember that each day is different and if I miss out on today, I could be missing out on a great day tomorrow.
Until next time
Allison
If you are struggling from thoughts of suicide, you are not alone. Text 988 to talk to someone. ❤️
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