They Will See Me Rollin’

Apparently, May is Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month.

So happy month to me and all my friends I have met along the way that are struggling with the same disorder.

Being Borderline is not exactly awesome. It’s kind of like being on a roller coaster. You enjoy the high points but then when you are screaming down that giant track without a seatbelt on, it can be extremely terrifying. The low points are the scariest because you are so low, that you don’t know if you want to get back up and try to climb aboard that roller coaster again. Sometimes you just want to lay down in the middle of those tracks and hope that the next car will run you over because it would feel better than trying to get back up and starting again.

I wish I could take you into my mind and show you around but I guarantee that none of you will make it. My mind, like that roller coaster track, has twists, turns, drops, broken tracks and dead ends. This roller coaster that I am constantly on, leads to nowhere; it’s on a continuous loop where no one is at the controls. No one is pressing the stop button and no one is letting me off. I can feel my mind start to race in a single instant, in a single thought, in a single memory, and in that instant, my car starts to shake and then pieces start to break off. I scream but it’s pointless because the only person at this amusement park is me. I’m alone and no one can hear me.

I try to cover up a lot of my pain. I try to fix my roller coaster ride by myself. Walking the tracks, picking up the pieces and taking them back to fix it again; and again; and again. Splintered wood and broken wheels. A screw loose here (no pun intended); the seat belt is torn and tattered, mostly because of how tight I hold on. My grasp is too much and it starts to rip out again. The shattered and splintered pieces of wood represent my insides and the broken wheel is my brokenness.

Here I am. Splintered, broken and holding on through a hell of a ride. I am the only one that can stop the ride. The only one that can fix the tracks; change their direction and get out of this park. I am the only person that I can depend on because I have to learn to fight on my own. People offer to help and to fix my track but I don’t let them inside long enough. They have their own amusement park to go to; their own life. I know people want to help but it’s not fair to allow them on this ride. The ride is too expensive and the cost is your time and patience; no one can give that to me because I won’t let them.

Right now, my park is under renovation until further notice. The only way to fix my ride is through working with my amazing therapist, Colleen, and hopefully, one day I can open up my doors to my friends and family once more.

Until next time,

Allison

This is dedicated to all those suffering from depression. Let’s rebuild our tracks and go in a different direction.