Loving You is Everything.

You are my sun, you are my moon, you are all the stars that blanket the heavens.

The day begins with you and the day ends with you and the time in between seems to stand still.

Seeing you is like seeing the sunrise over the mountains for the first time and saying goodnight to you is like catching a sunset and then watching darkness approach.

Butterflies take flight when I see you; even twenty plus years later.

You’re love is like the smell of rain after a summer storm. No matter how many times I’ve seen the rain it’s still new, sweet and warm. Playing in the puddles is where I like to be.

You’re laugh makes me feel young when I feel so old. We still play silly games. We moved on from freeze tag and hopscotch but not by much.

Living this life with you is like winning the lottery. Every day is like seeing my last number come up on the red Powerball.

My world wouldn’t be the same without you in it. When I die, I pray that death comes for me a second before you because I don’t want to live a moment without you.

Until next time,

You are more than everything. ❤️

https://youtu.be/fjDojEOiMcE?si=_QGFjgfmfyj4fZPm

The List

I get up and start my day the same way I always do.

I go the bathroom, I brush my teeth, and I brush my hair.

I go out to the bedroom and put on my outfit for the gym.

I hear you whisper under your breath, ‘that looks a little tight on you.’

I ignore you and pull up my pants, put on my bra, t-shirt and my socks and wake up our kids.

I come downstairs to pack lunches and make breakfast.

The cinnamon from the cereal and French toast smells so good, I can almost taste it but you tell me, ‘it will go right to my thighs.’

I skip breakfast.

I go to the gym and work my ass off for forty-five minutes. The sweat and pain in each muscle almost feels not worth it. I see you murmur, ‘is it even working?’

I end my workout, and jump into my car. I crack the window because the cold, winter air feels good on my hot body.

I come home to take a shower and my body is naked and vulnerable. I see you in the mirror roll your eyes at my stomach rolls.

I get into the warm shower and the heat feels good on my muscles. I use a body cream that smells lovely and it makes me feel good about myself.

I towel off and you still scoff at me in the mirror. I look away pretending that you don’t hurt my feelings.

I go back out to the bedroom and turn on the ceiling fan because just taking a shower makes me sweat. I lay there thinking about what I have to do to get through the day.

I sit up and get my self dressed again to start the rest of my day.

I come downstairs and drink some water because I can’t eat yet. You chuckle at me. ‘Like that is going to make a difference?’

I take a nap because depression is exhausting. I cuddle up with my dog and we sleep together for an hour.

The thought of moving once I awake is too much. Most days I just stare at the ceiling until someone is about to come home.

Finally I start to do something that makes it look like I was busy all day. I do the dishes or run the vacuum. Work on photography or start dinner.

I am proud of myself for at least getting up but I hear you scream, ‘this is all you did today? You are so lazy!’

I go into the bathroom to get away from you. I look up and I see you, staring right back at me.

It’s time to start talking back to the reflection. I go through my goals that I have accomplished.

You stare back at me listening to each bullet point. You listen to each segment of my life that I survived. I make a list:

1) I woke up today.

2) I got the kids ready for school.

3) I went to the gym.

4) I’ve officially lost twenty pounds.

5) I went from a 2X to an XL.

6) I went from a size 22/24 in dresses to a size 18.

7) I zipped up a pair of knee high boots and they fit my leg when they used to not even fit over my calf.

8) I wanted to go out to eat but instead I made lunch to follow my diet.

9) My jeans are too big.

10) I drank water instead of the soda I wanted.

11) I went to therapy and it was hard today.

12) I did the dishes.

13) I made dinner.

14) I was an uber driver to my kids to get them to and from their activities.

15) I tucked my kids into bed.

16) I kissed their sweet faces.

17) I was a good mom.

18) I was a good wife.

19) I cuddled with my husband.

20) I survived another day when I didn’t know how I was going to make it through.

And that is enough.

Until next time,

Sometimes you have to dig yourself out of the hellish depths of depression and make a fucking list.

Burning Flame

Sometimes I feel like a bonfire that has been carefully built. My flames shoot high into the dark, velvety night sky.

My fire is so hot and bright that you can hear me speak to you with every pop and crackle. It’s like I am whispering, ‘I love you.’

My embers are like dancing fireflies. Each one carries with the wind above the flame to meet the stars in the heavens.

The fire you built is high in the hopes it will never burn out. The logs are tended to so meticulously that each one catches a flame and one log does not snuff out another.

My job is to burn brightly for you as you sit around the bonfire. The dancing blue and orange flame keeps you warm and protected.

I trust you to keep my fire burning magnificenly against the night sky. You are all I have and I am all you have.

You play around me; laughing and telling stories of days past. I can cook for you to keep your stomach happy and full. I can show you the way in the darkness with just a single flame from my burning body.

As the night carries on, you begin to poke me with sticks, hoping to keep the flame bright. But really all you do is poke holes in my already fragile body of wood.

I start to break apart; crumble.

You look for extra wood to keep me going but you didn’t prepare your campsite and now it’s too dark to gather more wood for me.

My fire is burning low and there is more light from the moon than there is from me.

You get angry and poke me again. Hoping and wishing I would return to my original, tall, orange and blue flame but I don’t and I never will.

As you stand there with your stick, my flame is dying out. My flame is just barely glowing and there is hardly any heat radiating from my body of fire.

And as you stare, my embers fly towards the night sky and you wonder how we got to this point.

I tried to tell you to be prepared; to build me up and never let me die but you mocked me. You cursed at me. You assaluted me.

It was a pain I never felt before and I never want to feel again.

In a very real way, I’m happy I am dying out. I will miss the laughter, I will miss the stories, I will miss keeping you warm but I will not miss who you have become.

What did I do to you except show you your way in the darkness, keep you warm in the cold and whisper that I love you?

And in an instant, there is darkness for both of us.

Until next time,

Allison

*If you or someone you know is suffering from suicidal thoughts, text the Suicide Hotline at 988.*

My Seeds Have Taken to the Wind

You planted me. You gave me life. I’m a seedling.

You planted me. You gave me life. You dug a hole and put me in the ground.

You planted me. You gave me life. I am surround by rocks and pebbles and I start to sprout.

You planted me. You gave me life. My roots have sprouted but they can’t go deeper than a few inches because you put me in soil that is unfit for a flower.

You planted me. You gave me life. Despite my surroundings, I begin to grow. I grow through the sharp and jaded rock. It cuts my stem and damages my leaves.

You planted me. You gave me life. I peak out from the rocks and gravel and I see the sun; I feel the rain but I can’t grow anymore. I am small. I am stuck this way.

You planted me. You gave me life. I look around at all the other flowers. So pretty. So vibrant. So big.

You planted me. You gave me life. I am ugly. I am dull. I am small.

You planted me. You gave me life. I watch you walk past me. I watch you walk to the other flowers. To a garden where the grass is greener on the other side.

You planted me. You gave me life. I see you beaming with pride over the beautiful flowers you have but I have never seen you full of pride when you pass me.

You planted me. You gave me life. Days pass by and I struggle to breathe; I reach for the sky and try to plant my roots deeper but you step on me because you don’t notice my struggle.

You planted me. You gave me life. My flower is broken. My stem is cracked. My leaves are wilted. A petal falls.

You planted me. You gave me life. I see you picking flowers and wonder if you will pick me but you pass by yet again. You have a beautiful bouquet of flowers but that bouquet doesn’t include me.

You planted me. You gave me life. I start to die. All that remains are the white seeds of my flower. I have lost all hope.

You planted me. You gave me life. And in the moment, a child notices me. They pick me amongst all of the other beautiful, vibrant flowers in the garden. Me. They blow my seeds with so much excitement and I fly away.

You planted me. You gave me life. Maybe the wind will carry me to a better place where I can grow and finally be seen.

Until next time,

Allison

If you or someone you know is suffering from suicidal thoughts, please contact the Suicide Hotline by texting 988. ❤️

Taylor Swift is Coming!

So, Emily (eleven years old) wants to go see Taylor Swift… again. I took her back in the summer and she really enjoyed the concert, so much so, that Taylor Swift is all she watches on YouTube or TikTok now.

She found out that Taylor Swift is coming back to the United States in October and she would like to go to the concert. We looked up tickets and they are about $1300 each for the nose bleed section. We looked into the concert in New Orleans which means we need flights, hotel, a car and food. I love me some New Orleans food! But I digress.

I am concerned that she didn’t bat an eye when we tallied up all of the costs and it came to $3800. 🤯 I am struggling because she has already been to the concert and secondly everything would be close to 4K. Like, I can’t afford that, who can?

I can’t tell if I am raising an entitled kid or if I am raising someone so excited about a pop star that she would do anything to see her again. Maybe it’s a bit of both?

I hate the fact that she feels like she should be able to go because I can’t justify spending all that money on a weekend. She is absolutely devastated because my husband and I can’t fathom spending that money.

However, deep down, I feel guilty that I can’t give her everything she wants. I feel bad that I can’t pack her up and say, let’s jump on a plane and head to see Tay Tay. I wish I could do that.

So we made a deal. She has to come up with almost half of the money in order to go. The worst part is that raising $1500 by September is just impossible for an eleven year old. She wants to do stuff like a hot chocolate stand and I’m like, go babysit. Either way, I feel like I am setting her up for failure. I keep telling her not to get her hopes up.

So I guess the point of this blog is to:

1) Try to figure out if I am raising an entitled kid or if I am raising someone who just loves Taylor so much that she would do anything to get back to the concert.

2) Try to understand why I feel so guilty as a parent because I can’t give her what she wants.

I just don’t know. I don’t know what to do because I want to teach her the importance of money and working hard and saving and the other part of me wishes I was a millionaire and could give her everything.

Maybe that is a sign that we are good parents. Wanting to give your child everything but wanting them to understand the value of hard work and earning things on your own.

And if Taylor Swift reads this, we love you! I was indifferent and then I saw you in concert and you changed my mind entirely. Oh and Emily loves you, like, I think she loves you more than me. Lol

Until next time,

Die hard Swifties over here.

Worst Sleepover Ever.

So my son, Nicholas, who is twelve asked if two of his friends could sleepover last night. Joe and I hate sleepovers because Nicholas is always so cranky the next day but we decided to let his friends spend the night.

At 9 pm, Nicholas and his friends, we will call one Kid 1 and the other Kid 2, come into the living room and beg us to take them to SkyZone, a local trampoline park. Joe wasn’t feeling well so I decided I would take them. Worst. Idea. Ever. And here is why:

1) the SkyZone theme was glow in the dark jumping from 9-11pm. We got there around 9:15 pm and pulled in to the parking lot to four cop cars in front of the place. This did wonders for my PTSD.

2) By 9:30 pm, we were checked in and all the kids (my three: Vincent 14 yo, Nicholas 12 yo, Emily 11 yo and then Kid 1 13 yo and Kid 2 12 yo) , started jumping.

3) At approximately 9:32 pm, Emily came to the table and informed me that the cops were there because some kids started fighting each other. Excuse me? We just got here and you already know what happened? How?

4) Now it is 9:47 pm. We have been here like for fifteen minutes; Emily comes over to me and says, ‘I have nothing to do.’ Umm… it’s a place filled with trampolines… how about you jump for starters?

5) Kid 2 comes over five minutes later and tells me he lost a tooth. I’m panicking because I take these kids out once and the kid lost a tooth. So I am practically screaming, ‘which one? Which one?’ And he feels his tooth with his tongue and says, ‘oh nevermind. I forgot I lost it earlier today eating gushers.’

I’m sorry, what?

6) Kid 2 came back after the tooth incident to grab a slushie. I am sitting by the counter, scrolling facebook and I just hear someone yelling. I look up and it’s Kid 2 yelling at the workers for a slushie. I informed Kid 2 that he shouldn’t yell at the workers because they would undoubtedly spit into your drink.

Hopefully he wasn’t yelling at them but maybe he was just excited about the slushie. I know how I get around frozen beverages.

7) at approximately 10:15pm, all five of the kids decided that they were done jumping and wanted to play arcade games instead. I just paid $135 on my credit card and you all decided you want to play arcade games?

Vincent came over multiple times wanting two dollars. I explained to him that I only had a large bill on me to which he replied, ‘so you have two dollars?’ Umm, no.

Kid 2 asked me if I could give him four cents on Apple Pay. Being old, I went to pull out four pennies but was informed it had to be on Apple Pay. I kindly explained to him twice that I don’t have Apple Pay but he didn’t understand.

8) At 10:35 pm, the kids went back to jumping. Except Vincent, he just wandered around hoping for two dollars. Then two seconds later, Kid 1 comes hobbling down the steps screaming, ‘my balls, my balls! I got kicked in the balls!’

9) At 10:37 pm, Emily came back to the table to inform me she had nothing to do and was bored. So she came back to the table like three times to tell me the same, damn thing.

10) At approximately 10:39 pm, Vincent came to the table to tell me he landed on his neck and he was extremely concerned that he was paralyzed.

11) Finally, God answered my prayers at 11pm when all the lights came on! Trying to be a nice parent, I told the kids I would take them to Wawa (a local convenience store) for slushies. We buckle our seat belts and we are off! And then Vincent turns to me and asks me if we were going to Wawa. Why? Just why?

12) We get to Wawa and I tell the kids they can get one thing. Every single kid came up to me and asked if they could get two things and I told them no. So disappointment all around.

13) I hear random screams and I look over and Kid 2 is screaming and doing some kind of dance or twerking in the aisles of Wawa. I was losing control.

14) We are finally checking out after I lost my shit on all the kids because everyone wanted more than one thing and as we are checking out, Kid 2 has a Monster. I asked Kid 2,

‘does your mom let you have this?’ -me

‘Yes, all the time and they have it at school.’ -Kid 2

So not wanting to challenge another parenting style, I let Kid 2 get the Monster… yes, it is close to midnight.

15) We finally all get back into the car and we are off! We get to the street and Kid 1 said his seat belt is locked and won’t work, so I pull off and turn on my flashers.

16) Then Kid 1 starts fixing the seat belt and realizes he can’t find his phone. So here we are on the side of the street. He is checking his pockets, his book bag, the car… it goes on. Finally he steps out of the car, tosses his back pack, his sweatshirt and God knows what else onto the curb. Gets back in the car, puts back on his seat belt and shuts the door. I’m just staring at him. ‘Umm, do you want to grab your stuff that you LEFT ON THE CURB?!’ His response, ‘oh yeah!’ 🤦‍♀️

17) So Kid 1 still can’t find his phone so we go back to Wawa. Kid 1 gets out of the car, then gradually Nicholas gets out, Kid 2 gets out and Vincent gets out. I’m looking through the car and Emily is casually licking a lollipop while I’m freaking out.

18) I look up and see four boys running amuck in Wawa. I walked in with Emily and just screamed out, ‘it’s like herding chickens!’ One kid is at the slushie machine, one kid is at the counter, one kid is wandering aimlessly around the aisles and I beeline to the counter. I stare at the Wawa associate and said,

‘I need help. I stupidly told my kid he could have a sleepover. Now I have all these kids, Kid 1 lost his phone. His mom is gonna kill me… why don’t you guys sell alcohol?’ The Wawa associate just looks at me and says,

‘ma’am, just write your name and number down and we will call you if we find a phone.’

19) I write to everyone’s mom. I’m this close to going through the trash can and having a mental breakdown. I tell Kid 1’s mom about the phone and I tell Kid 2’s mom about the Monster.

20) Kid 2, came out immediately and apologized for the Monster because he WASN’T allowed to have it. Then he asked if he could return it and I am panicking about the phone and say, sure. Well, he couldn’t return it because I used self checkout.

21) Kid 1’s mom starts pinging Kid 1’s phone and we finally find it… in the car, balancing on the passenger seat head rest. Finally, we were about to leave.

22) Kid 2 goes to get in the car. Looks me dead in the eye and says, ‘can I try to sell my Monster?’

I look Kid 2 dead in his eyes and tell him, ‘we aren’t selling things in the parking lot of Wawa close to midnight! We sound like drug dealers! Get in the car.’

23) I tell all the kids to put on their seat belts and they were fooling around. I must have looked like a serial killer because I turned around and Kid 1 looked at me and almost crapped his pants and just started screaming, ‘just put on your seat belts… just put on your seat belt!’

24) We finally get home and Kid 2 is thirsty because he didn’t have anything to drink. I did feel bad but I had to stay strong. He wanted soda but he got apple juice.

25) I told Joe everything that happened and and hearing him belly laugh and watch as the tears streamed down his face at my expense was totally worth the shitty night I had.

Whew, and that was my night. Consider this your PSA to not let your kids have sleep overs and don’t let them coerce you to take them to a trampoline park when you know damn well you should be in your pajamas. Lol.

Until next time,

Even today I need a Xanax.

Merry Christmas, You Slackers.

So every year, on Thanksgiving, our elf comes to our house. And every year, on Thanksgiving, my husband, Joe, hates his life for a full month because the month is full of moving the elf from location to location. Ooooor forgetting to move the elf from location to location and waking up to an, ‘oh shit’ moment in the middle of the night because we forgot.

Our youngest, Emily, still believes in the elf and Santa and she is eleven. Some people might not agree with the fact that we still let her believe but that’s ok. I want her to be a kid as long as the world will let her be. I want her to believe in the magic of Christmas and I want to enjoy it as long as I can.

Well, back to our elf… he always goes for adventures. And his adventures are lame. Going to sit in a cup, hanging from the chandelier, watching you shower. Yeah, sometimes our elf is a creeper. Lol. We hid him in the bathroom and Emily wouldn’t shower because he was watching her. Lmao. Anyway, we aren’t creative when it comes to the elf and that’s the bottom line.

Well, last night we went to my brother’s house, about two hours away and we needed someone to move the elf so it looked like he moved around while we were overnight at my brother’s. We asked my bff, Andrea and her daughter, to move the elf for us. I told them to put the elf in the bathroom, in the candle, on the sink. But then they texted and asked if they could do something different and leave a note. Not caring, of course I said, sure.

Then. Then. Theeeeeen… we come home to the below picture. My first thought, and I’m pretty sure the thought of the whole family was, ‘what the actual fuck?’

They had our elf levitate spaghetti. I’m sorry, I asked for them to put the elf in a bathroom candle. Not turn water into wine… but there our elf is, levitating fucking spaghetti. Lmao.

It was seriously the best. I had to physically shut my mouth from all the, what the fuckery. Haha.

Anyway, I hope you and your family have a wonderful and safe holiday season.

Until next time,

We suck. Merry Christmas.

Go One More Day

I am having a hard week and I know I am slipping into a depression. I have no desire to see anyone or do anything. I think there are several things causing this slip but I feel so out of control with each one.

The main one is being a mom. I know there are moms out there that feel the same way. I am a stay at home mom and work on my own business at home while serial killer documentaries play on Netflix in the background. So I am your basic stay at home mom. Lol. I cook and clean and work on editing photographs pretty much every day. Then my kids come home.

Sometimes the seven hours that they are at school just isn’t enough and that is the part that is bothering me the most. I am getting all of this alone time and then when it is time for family time, I sometimes can’t take it.

My kids fight or whine or fight AND whine at the same time and the noise destroys my brain. I can’t stand the constant fighting and it is about stupid, little things and I just want to tell them to shut the hell up. I am torn between, ‘I love you and want to spend time with you,’ and ‘I love you and I am going to go lock myself in the bathroom now.’

And that is the constant struggle in my brain and I can’t find a balance. Being a mom is difficult. Sometimes you love them and sometimes you are counting the years until they leave the house.

I can’t be alone in this. I have to find my people that are also struggling because most days, I feel like a bad mom.

Not only do I feel like a bad mom but when these things happen, my first instinct is to escape… and I don’t mean on vacation. I feel bad because this thought of hurting myself pops up often when things are just so overbearing. Sometimes I just don’t know what to do.

I look for ways to escape. Sometimes I think about how many pills I could take and then other times I am praying another car will hit me while I’m driving. It’s an awful thought, I know, but it’s a worse feeling.

And please don’t tell me I have so much to live for- I’m not an idiot. I know. But can you imagine a pain so deep that it hurts to breathe? Or your mind turning on you and telling you that you will never be enough? Or looking for an escape that just seems impossible to find? No amount of time away makes things easier; it just makes me more upset that I can never get a break that feels like a real break.

I just got back from a Women’s Retreat and I met some great women. But while I was there, I was still taking care of my family from six hours away. The kids missed me and called me or texted me or emailed me multiple times a day. While it is great to be missed, it was hard to feel like I was away. To take that break in and breathe.

Then last night, I had a huge battle with my twelve year old over homework. That should be a whole separate blog but it’s a perfect example of the struggle. It’s the constant wanting the best for my kids and not being able to give it to them because they need to want it. It’s watching them grow up and wondering if you did a good enough job. It’s wondering if they will be a good person. It’s wondering if they are going to be ok.

Bottom line is I won’t know till we get there and getting there is a struggle. Not always. Sometimes it is a wonderful struggle and other times I want a car to hit me. I know I say that so matter of fact but I am also honest.

If you feel like me and you are struggling, you can always reach out. I have to remember that each day is different and if I miss out on today, I could be missing out on a great day tomorrow.

Until next time

Allison

If you are struggling from thoughts of suicide, you are not alone. Text 988 to talk to someone. ❤️

I Can’t Believe I Just Said That.

My son just started as a freshman in high school and this is the first year that he needs to get dressed in the locker room in front of the other kids.

‘I don’t want to do it. I don’t want people to see my underwear. I don’t want people to see me naked.’ -my son

‘First of all, you aren’t getting naked. Just take off your shirt, put on your gym shirt, take off your pants and put on your gym shorts. You will be in your underwear for like two seconds.’ -me

‘But what if I get made fun of?’ -my son

‘Why would you get made fun of? You have been working out all summer so you have little muscles and you have a six pack. Everyone is gonna be like… ‘oooh, look at how jacked this kid is…”

‘What if they see my penis?’ -my son

‘They won’t. You’re not taking off your underwear.’ -me

‘What if my penis is too small.’ -my son

And then, in that moment. I had diarrhea of the mouth…

‘Listen! You’re fine. No one is going to be looking at you anyway. You’re not getting naked. You have big muscles and…

Then without thinking, I just yelled out and ‘you have a huge penis!’

Then we both paused.

I was just commenting and saying the opposite of what he was saying and I just got on a roll and just blurted out that he has a huge penis. I don’t even see his penis but I didn’t want him to be self conscious so I was just saying all the opposites.

It just all happened so fast. And then the kid just started cracking up. Thank God he was laughing because I was mortified.

Until next time,

That’s how I am going to die. From diarrhea of the mouth.

It’s Time to Say Goodbye.

So if you haven’t been reading about my life, I have to update you. My eleven year old daughter, Emily decided that she wanted to pack up her room and put all of her Barbies into storage.

My whole life with her has been one spirited game after another of Barbies. Barbie would have sleepovers and go to Disney World. Barbie would go swimming and camping. She was a doctor, a fashion expert, a Disney Princess… Barbie was everything. She is a large chunk of my daughter’s childhood.

I thought I would be ok with her moving on and getting older. I thought I would be ok with her wanting to pack up parts of her childhood to make way for the pre-teen years. Today proved to me that I was anything but ready for this day.

Here is a list of the things I did while packing up her Barbies:

1) I picked up the first Barbie and put her in a bag and broke down in tears.

2) I lied to Emily when she asked if I was ok. I told her I was fine while tears are actively rolling down my cheeks.

3) I said goodbye to each individual Barbie. They all had their own names: goodbye Barbie. Goodbye Jessica. Goodbye Leah. Goodbye Ken. Goodbye Christopher. You could barely hear me over the sobs.

4) I had a fleeting thought of, can these Barbies breathe in that bag?

5) When Emily looked at me and asked me what I was doing, I casually told her I was saying goodbye to her Barbies… individually.

6) I sniffed Strawberry Shortcake like I was taking a line of cocaine.

7) I had the song from Toy Story 2 on repeat in my head, I believe it is called, When Somebody Loves You. It’s basically where Jessie’s owner drops her off on the side of the road because she was growing up.

8) I hugged her Elsa and Anna dolls from Frozen. Emily used to pretend that she was Elsa and I was Anna. She would take me to the snowy mountain everyday and there was a time she stopped calling me mommy and would only call me Anna.

9) I hugged Emily so tight and smelled her little head. She has grown so much.

10) I reminisced about all the times we played Barbies together. I reminisced about all the times I complained about playing Barbies and I thought about, if I’m lucky, I’ll get to play Barbies with her children.

Until next time,

Someone pass me Strawberry Shortcake. I need to take a hit.