So it has been a while since I have talked about my three young children, ages nine, seven and five, at church. Church is still a hassle because I spend more time disciplining than listening. So here is today’s adventure.
1) The kids cried from the parking lot to the church that they didn’t want to go to mass. Most kids say they don’t want to go because it’s boring. My kids cried because it was too cold outside and this was the justification of why they didn’t want to go. Yeah, makes total sense.
2) In the middle of mass, Vincent pulled a rock out of his jacket. It wasn’t a rock, it was a boulder. And not just any boulder, but one that had his name on it. Written in old world viking language. Wtf?
3) Vincent made Nicholas laugh so hard that the kid snorted. And he snorted out a giant pile of snot. And he was sitting on my lap and I didn’t have tissues. So naturally, I used my hands and then Joe, my husband, looked at me and held out his hand. Not knowing what had happened with Nicholas, I just gently passed off a handful of snot and then we both rubbed it in like lotion. I guess this explains why no one shook our hand at the Peace Be With You part of mass.
4) Nicholas and Vincent finally settled down during the consecration of the Eucharist. When the priest sang, ‘the Mystery of Faith,’ both boys sang with him but changed it to their version which is ‘Mystery of Face.’
5) Then the priest raises Jesus to the heavens and starts to chant, except his chant is in stereo because both boys are singing with him… ‘in the unity of the Holy Spirit, one God forever and ever.’ They did so well, I am considering asking the priest if he needs backup singers on the alter every Sunday.
6) I guess Nicholas got bored with chanting and he leans over to the other pew and is playing with what I can only assume is a fuzzy. No, it wasn’t. It was a nail. A human nail. And no, it wasn’t ours.
7) I told him to put it down because that was beyond disgusting and instead he named it. ‘Mommy, this nail is pum-pum.’ So gross but I tried to keep my cool.
8) Then he reached over and found another nail and looked up and me and said, ‘this is pum-pum. And this one is pum-pum junior.’ Well, that was when I busted out laughing.
9) So clearly he isn’t listening as I am telling him that these human nails could be cased with disease. I look over and he has one nail on each hand and he is whispering to himself. ‘Hello pum-pum. Hello pum-pum junior. I now baptize you. Yaaaay.’ Seriously, what is happening.
10) As we are leaving, I finally get a chance to wipe off Nicholas and he starts to cry about me killing pum-pum. So I broke of my nail and gave it to him and he said, ‘this isn’t pum-pum. It doesn’t look anything like him.’
Until next time,
Throw your nails in the trash like a decent human or train your kids about human waste.
BlackWhiteAndCrazy 